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To not support friends funeral attendance

(104 Posts)
Sunflowersforever Wed 23-May-18 23:37:24

Can someone advise if I'm being off on this one.

Friend has two DC with exH. DC are 22 and 26. Friend has been divorced from ex 15 years, not amicably. Ex remarried after 5 years but there was no OW when they parted.

I've supported friend through numerous 'can you believe what my dick of an ex has done' scenarios and usually she has a point.

So, the exH's mother has died (ex-MIL of friend) and the DC are devastated. My friend is now insisting she should attend the funeral to support the DC. ExH has said no way and he doesn't want her there.

I'm struggling to support her position this time as, no matter how much of a pain the ex was, this is his family not hers and the DC are adults.

She keeps pushing for me to agree and encourage her going, and I've made the sort of right noises to be supportive but can tell she wants me to unequivocally back her.

AIBU? Should I just say yes, she's right and should just turn up?

Thehop Wed 23-May-18 23:38:51

No. She’s wrong. It’s not her place and she’ll upset exh at a very difficult event. She’s only thinking of herself and you should be honest with her.

MachineBee Wed 23-May-18 23:40:57

I think is for her DCs to decide. When my exMIL died I went to her funeral to pay my respects. My ExH has died a few months before and I went to his funeral to support my DCs because they wanted me there.

SD1978 Wed 23-May-18 23:41:49

Whilst I understand that she sees it as wanting to support her children in a very difficult time- your friend is being unreasonable. Unless she still had a close relationship with the exMIL and a recent personal connection, she needs to back off and allow the family to grieve and celebrate the exMIL in their way, not the way she believes it should be done. Both boys are adults. She can be there for them before and after, but her exH has lost his mother and doesn’t want her there. Have the boys expressed that they do, and wouldn’t go without her? She is being selfish IMO by trying to demand she goes too. Not sure how you can convey that to a friend and still remain friends. Good luck.

dangermouseisace Wed 23-May-18 23:46:04

No, I think you should be honest. Ex MIL is not her family now. Her ExH and DCs can support each other.

If the Ex has said no, you I don’t want you at my mums funeral his wishes should be respected. Why go to an event you’d be unwelcome at, except if you want to cause trouble?

BackforGood Wed 23-May-18 23:46:55

What SD1978 said.

Sunflowersforever Wed 23-May-18 23:49:28

No ongoing connection with exMIL but they got on fine historically.

She's very protective of the DC and a good mum. I don't know their position on this, but guessing they don't want to get caught in the cross fire as it can get messy.

On the 'ex subject' it is the unwritten rule all round that back up is given. All our other friends are falling into line, but I'm finding it hard to comply.

SuperSuperSuper Wed 23-May-18 23:56:14

I got on well with ex MIL but I wouldn't attend her funeral. It would be unnecessarily hard for my ex husband I think. My kids are at secondary school, so not adults - but not so little that I'd have to be there, either.

Ssssurvey Wed 23-May-18 23:59:36

If she is not likely to be valued by the wider family for being there, then it is intrusive and could be seen as plain nosey. Has she thought about what other people will think of her attending?

nursy1 Thu 24-May-18 00:00:24

My Mums “boyfriend” ( both in their 80s so not a boy) recently died. She is on amicable terms with his family and attended the church service. She didn’t however go to the graveside because he was being buried in his wife’s plot ( she died 30 years ago) and she felt that was for immediate family only. It’s called having a bit of respect.
How are her dc going to feel, on the one hand grieving but also embarrassed by her behaviour. If she wants to support them she can, but not at the service.

eileandonan Thu 24-May-18 00:04:43

So her ex has said your not welcome and she is trying to insist she attends to support her adult DC. She is being a selfish ass. My DM tried that nonsense with me and my sisters when our grandfather died, she hated my father and hadn't seen him or my GF for 25yrs. It wasn't her place to attend our grandfathers funeral. She only wanted to attend so she wasn't missing out on a gathering where her adult kids were going. Not suggesting your friend is doing the same but she has been told she is not welcome and she needs to respect the wishes of the son of the person that has passed.

SusanneLinder Thu 24-May-18 00:06:17

Nope she should not go. Especially as ex doesn't want her there. No need to cause trouble at a time when her ex is grieving.
When my ex MIL passes, I have no intention of going to her funeral, although one of my DD's might want to attend.The other def won't. My Ex MIL stays at other end of country and DD suggested I go with her. I have compromised by stating that if she wants to go, I will go with her, but won't be attending the funeral itself. A can of worms I don't want to open!

Italiangreyhound Thu 24-May-18 00:06:23

@Sunflowersforever you are totally right and your friend is wrong.

She should leave her adult children to go to the funeral of their grandmother and help them grieve when they visit her.

You can a) agree with her, when you don't for the sake of a quiet life (not sure if I would feel comfortable doing this), b) you can remain non-committal and not be drawn in (even saying "I really cannot say one way or the other it is nothing to do with me, broken record) or c) just tell her she is in the wrong.

If you really value her friendship I would go with b - if you don't care so much for her friendship I might be tempted to go for c!

CecilyP Thu 24-May-18 00:06:35

No you're not being off on this one!

Her ex does not want her to go. Her children will be going but they are adults, so do of need her to be there. She did not have an ongoing relationship with her mother in law. Therefore you are quite justified in your opinion tat she should not go and you have a perfect right to express that opinion.

Does she normally expect you to agree with her over everything? Because you really don't have to!

ReanimatedSGB Thu 24-May-18 00:09:10

I also think you should tell her to back off. However mean her XH was to her over a decade ago, this is his mother and therefore his feelings trump hers on this specific occasion. If the DC were under 12, very upset and wanted their mum with them, then maybe she'd have a better case, but as it is, she needs to keep her beak out: her DC are old enough to attend their grandmother's funeral without her holding their hands.

AlonsosLeftPinky Thu 24-May-18 00:10:38

Whilst I fully understand her stance, she needs to adhere to the wishes of the family and stay away.

Dynamics are different in each family. My own parents were divorced when I was very young and my dad attended my grans funeral. Actually, he spoke at her funeral. But they were always very fond of one another and his relationship with my mum has always been very amicable and close.

AmazingPostVoices Thu 24-May-18 00:11:22

Regardless of the fact that he may have been an arse in the past, the man’s Mother has just died.

He doesn’t want her there. End of story.

His entire family will know that he doesn’t want her there, she’s going to cause a huge scene, embarrass and distress her children and be hugely disrespectful to the wider family.

What on Earth is she thinking?

Sunflowersforever Thu 24-May-18 00:20:33

Thanks for the replies. So helpful.

This is about the ongoing tug between her and the ex over the DC. He can be a total arse with them to be fair.

I think what I'm struggling with is standing up to her and usually I would find a way to smooth it over, but it feels different this time as it's so obvious her thinking is off. It feels like a stand off now.

I know the group texts will start again tomorrow and other friends will be saying she's every right to attend. I'll find some sort of neutral statement to let it blow over. Hopefully.

wtf2018 Thu 24-May-18 00:25:46

Was she close to the MIL herself? I just wondered if she can't see it for how it is if she was particularly close to her or had a lot of contact

Italiangreyhound Thu 24-May-18 00:37:29

Just ignore the group texts.

SusanneLinder Thu 24-May-18 01:06:10

Totally agree with the poster that says his feelings trump hers.Both my divorced mum and dad went to each others parents funerals, because there was no animosity and they were asked to go.
My ex wasn't at my parents funerals. Didn't even occur to me to ask him!

Sunflowersforever Thu 24-May-18 01:17:04

I thought a funeral was like a wedding, invitation only, but seemingly not and anyone can go. Don't know why that is? Assuming it's some historical purpose but is certainly opening up a can of worms.

Joboy Thu 24-May-18 01:31:18

Wedding and funeral services are open access to all as they were offen in church. It part of wedding service that anyone can say why the why the wedding can't take place .

Oriunda Thu 24-May-18 01:35:22

My mother did this when my uncle (my father’s brother) died. She gets on fine with my father - something that we children find hard to stomach as their arguments before splitting made our lives hell.

My mother makes everything about her and we made it very clear to her that we were there to support my father and not her. She sat in the car crying at the funeral because we wouldn’t stand by her and we were furious with her for being there.

scaryteacher Thu 24-May-18 01:38:17

My Mum went to her ex mils funeral as Nana still considered Mum to be her dil; they spoke weekly, Mum would have Nana to stay etc. My Dad was dead by that point, but Mum would have gone anyway as she had known Nana since Mum was a little girl, so for the best part of 60 years.

The unwelcome one at the funeral was actually my Dad's widow who turned up with her new man in tow, who looked a lot like my dad. That was awkward, especially as she was expecting to play happy families.

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