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To be fed up of being spoken to like this

(142 Posts)
puzzled90 Wed 23-May-18 21:38:04

I have posted a couple of times under various different names but I am so fed up I wanted to put some of the issues all in one place.

Tonight dh has called me a cruel, controlling manipulative b** and if i don't sort my act out he's going. The background to this is:

DC is nearly 2. We both work full time. He works shifts (mixture of days and night including weekends), I work mon-fri in quite a demanding office job. DC goes to daycare 5 days a week.

DC does like to be picked up a lot and generally when they ask I pick them up. Dh does not. For this he says I am ruining DC and there is no need for them to be picked up. It doesn't stop me getting anything done, dinners are still cooked and the house cleaned with DC attached to me somehow. If not being picked up DC will follow me round the house and 'help' with chores. Dh again says this is wrong because DC should be able to entertain themselves instead of not letting me get in with stuff.

I have only left dc overnight once, and that was a couple of weekends ago for our 4th anniversary. We don't have a lot of support (my parents are elderly, DH's not in the best of health) so we have to ask DH's sister to help. This is apparently a sign I don't trust anyone else. We have left dc for days out together (football games, events, random meals out) I also work from home 1 day a week and if dh is not on shift we spend time together then or I take time off work to spend a day with him.

Nursery pick up and drops offs are also an argument. I do the majority of drop offs in the morning tho there are 2 weeks in 5 dh can do them. I ask to pick DC up once a week as dh normally does this but apparently this is also very selfish and I just should just leave pick ups to him.

I didn't want to give up DC's dummy or bottle at night as it helped DC get to sleep at night (was only having water in bottle). After several screaming rows I agreed to take these away. It can now take DC up to an hour to go to sleep as they are not very good at self settling. This is my fault as it what i have done to them. I'm also not allowed to rub DC's back to help comfort them to sleep

If DC wakes in the night I am not allowed to go and see to them. Admittedly I did use to run in as soon as DC murmered (post bagel anxiety) but now I do let dc stir a bit if they are really upset I will go and see them. Again this is wrong and i should just let them cry. I literally have to sit there and wait until dh says I can go and see them.

These are just some of the issues but it's really getting to me now as I don't feel I am doing a terrible job but obviously he does

HollowTalk Wed 23-May-18 21:41:40

He's really awful. It's quite funny that he's calling you 'controlling' when this is what he does to you. Maybe being controlling is refusing to let him control you?

bluemascara Wed 23-May-18 21:42:37

Oh god! He is the one who is cruel and controlling from what you've said.
Is there any other background?

HildaZelda Wed 23-May-18 21:42:48

So he says that if you don't 'sort your act out he's going' is he? I'd be packing the abusive prick's fucking suitcase! angry

Dragongirl10 Wed 23-May-18 21:43:36

Op that is seriously abusive, why are you with him?

TheBlueDot Wed 23-May-18 21:44:09

He’s quite controlling your DH, isn’t he?

I’d let him leave tbh, your life would get easier without him stopping you from picking up your own child and helping him to settle at night.

jaseyraex Wed 23-May-18 21:46:16

He won't let you go and comfort your child until he says so?! Nope. Absolutely not on. Run a mile from him. You are not the controlling one, he is. If he says he wants to go, let him go. Help him bloody pack! He sounds awful.

Scabetty Wed 23-May-18 21:46:17

Your child is still a baby and your partner is very cruel. You sound loving.

GertrudeCB Wed 23-May-18 21:49:17

Your dh is a nasty, controling cunt. Honestly you should take steps to get away from him.

Echobelly Wed 23-May-18 21:50:00

Wow, is he back-seat parenting or what? None of this sounds like a reason for him to talk to you like that.

Clearly getting shouty is not the answer here's some links it might be good to show him because you are doing all the 'emotional labour' here and he feels that anything asked of him is a massive deal or nagging. It doesn't sound from your account like they'll have much effect, but I know how everything always sounds way worse online, so maybe and they have the advantage of not coming 'from you':

www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

He needs to buck up and understand that if you're taking the lion's share of the parenting, you have to do it the way that works for you. Gotta say he doesn't sound like great parenting material right now.

MessyBun247 Wed 23-May-18 21:52:13

He’s controlling and vile. It won’t get any better OP. If I was you I would start planning my new life without him. You don’t need his permission to be a caring parent to your child.

Locotion Wed 23-May-18 21:55:02

Poor child sad

L0UISA Wed 23-May-18 21:56:39

Can you say more about the “ screaming rows “?

bastardkitty Wed 23-May-18 21:59:34

I would be talking to a solicitor about an exit plan, documenting his behaviour and thinking about how to protect your DC post-separation from this nasty cunt.

Ellendegeneres Wed 23-May-18 21:59:37

Fuck. My dc is 2 and still wakes at night. If it’s a murmur and he goes back to sleep, fine. If not, I have to make another bottle and sit in there til he goes back to sleep. Just being in the room is comfort enough.

No man in the fucking world would stop me tending to my dc. In fact, when I did listen to my dp I got so jittery it made me ill and made the whole thing worse, so I told him nicely to back off and let me do it at my own pace. Dc settles easier as a result of me being calmer.

Your h is an abusive prick. I’d be packing his shit and telling him the divorce petition would be following. Absolute gaslighting twunt

puzzled90 Wed 23-May-18 22:00:16

There's some.more background to it and writing it all down is a bit of an eye opener.

DC has quite bad separate anxiety. If I am not around and it is just DC and dh they are fine. If I am at home and walk out of the room they will scream until they can see me. I am trying to work on this but it's easier just to let them follow me.

Dh moans he doesn't get involved in bath and bedtime, however he would rather spend his time on the phone playing games. When I ask him to get DC out of the bath or get a towel his answer is usually 'give me a sec I'm in the middle of a game'

If we go out anywhere and I get DC out of the car and ask him to pick up a bag, he will always mutter comments like 'why do I have to always get the bags or 'guess I'm just the skivvy who picks up behind u.'

If I ask him to tidy up dc' s toys while I'm doing bath and bed and he's staying down to watch football or something he'll moan about how he us always the one who has tidy up!

Puffycat Wed 23-May-18 22:03:28

That is downright abuse. You must get away with your kids. This man is toxic and it really won’t improve.
If he leaves, all the better

SabineUndine Wed 23-May-18 22:04:52

Your little one is 2! A baby still. Your OH sounds jealous and controlling. I’d pack his bags for him.

Travis1 Wed 23-May-18 22:05:20

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He wants to go? Help him pack.

Clandestino Wed 23-May-18 22:06:28

Your DH sounds like a controlling and abusive twat. I suggest you consider your future and your options without him.
And please, whatever you do now, don't get pregnant with him.

Fruitcorner123 Wed 23-May-18 22:07:16

he really sounds dreadful, honeatly you will breathe a sigh of relief when he is gone and you are free to parent the way you like.

SittingAround1 Wed 23-May-18 22:10:11

You are a mother to a very small child. It's normal to pick them up, comfort them and to want to spend as much time as you can with them.

Your DH has issues he needs to sort out.

I really hope he doesn't manage to interfere in your relationship with your child the way he wants to.

Mamabearx4 Wed 23-May-18 22:11:39

he sounds like my fourteen year old .. whinging and moaning

sorry op but really you need to wake up and let him go, your life will be so much easier , my ex was like this. once i plucked up the courage to kick him out i finally felt like i could breath.

Your childs anxiety most likely stems from not being able to see to them at night and nowt wrong with what your doing you sound like a very good mummy

xx

TheBlueDot Wed 23-May-18 22:12:43

He’s engineering things so you can’t win.

Seems the only way he’ll be happy is if you do all the work of raising your child, whilst following is instructions and doing it exactly as he would do it if he could be bothered with the menial work.

SleepFreeZone Wed 23-May-18 22:16:06

Why are you with him? I have a five year old and a two year old and if one of them cries in the night I go to then straight away. The thought of someone telling me I couldn’t is the most alien concept and I actually think I would be so devastated i wouldn’t be able to stay. It would irrevocably destroy our relationship.

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