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To wish DP could be a bit more supportive of my birth choices?

(151 Posts)
berryboots Wed 23-May-18 20:15:40

I'm 7 months pregnant with DP and I's first child. He's generally been pretty supportive throughout the whole thing, but now that I've slightly started preparing for how I'd like to give birth, I am being met with what feels like a total lack of support.

First of all and most importantly (to me), I want to do it without pain relief. No epidural, no gas and air. He'a always known this was very important to me and that when giving birth I want to be in the mindset that pain relief is not an option. I'm guessing this sounds pretty naive to most of you who've given birth naturally, but this has always been an important factor for me and I hate the thought of feeling numb.

DP keeps saying that I'll never make it through, that I've not had an easy time in this pregnancy to begin with (low iron levels resulting in me fainting quite often + all the usual stuff that comes with pregnancy) and that I can't handle the pain. Not even a tiny bit of encouragement; it's like he's already decided that I am going to fail what I am trying to prepare myself for, and was hoping for his support.

I was hoping to labour in a birthing pool if the pain got intense. He laughs at the idea, says it's not gonna help anything and says he's not gonna sit there and listen to me when I complain about the water being too hot/cold/whatever.

I was hoping to give birth in this nice, nearby maternity ward where the midwives would be there to support me through a natural birth without pain relief. He insists we go to the hospital as we'd be in the correct hands rights to begin with in case things go wrong.

I am just so frustrated. It feels like everything I mention about the way I want to deliver is being mocked and laughed at. It's not just him though, it's my own parents as well. They're all lovely in every other way and couldn't do enough for me, but they make me feel like an absolute idiot when I talk about how I want to give birth. Am I just being totally U and should wisen up a bit or am I right in expecting a bit of support?

moreismore Wed 23-May-18 20:20:06

YANBU. I had exactly the same goals as you and delivered in the water in the MLU with no pain relief. I was lucky in that my DP was incredibly supportive every step of the way. Also I recommend hypnobirthing if you haven’t looked into it!

Is he like this generally or is this out of character? If the latter it may be worth a very frank conversation calling him out and trying to move forward. If the former I would seriously consider banning him from the delivery and having a supportive friend or family member as your birth partner. If he is there in that frame of mind it will 100% interfere with your ability to have the delivery you want.

Good luck! (Also read some Ina May Gaskin)

fuzzywuzzy Wed 23-May-18 20:22:23

I wouldn’t close myself off completely to the possibility of pain relief.

Gas and air doesn’t make you numb and wears off when you stop breathing it.

Water does offer some pain relief.

Maybe try hypnobirthing classes may help you manage pain during labour better.

I think he’s being UR to dismiss your choices, it’s your body. But I wouldn’t close myself off completely to the possibility of any pain relief, you’ll feel really disappointed if you end up with pain relief if you’re insistent on none whatsoever.

I hope you have the birth you envision. Good luck.

specialsubject Wed 23-May-18 20:22:52

your call as long as you have a plan b if things go wrong.

btw are you fina ncially protected without marriage? dependent coming ....

Booboostwo Wed 23-May-18 20:23:16

I suppose from his perspective he is evaluating the risks differently and he is worried about you. It is your body, your birth and your choice but maybe you could talk with him and try to discuss his fears. I suspect he is this worried because he loves you and cares for you, and he hasn't realized his fear is ending up making you feel bad.

KeepServingTheDrinks Wed 23-May-18 20:23:57

It sounds like he's worried about you, though??? Maybe I'm projecting, but that's how I've read it. It's not that he's not supporting you, he's worried about you, particularly because you haven't had an easy pregnancy.

HarryLovesDraco Wed 23-May-18 20:25:08

Maybe he thinks you are being unnecessarily dogmatic and strange about not wanting pain relief, when you have no idea how it will go and seemingly don't even know what the options are! Gas and air doesn't make you numb. Why rule it out?

user1493413286 Wed 23-May-18 20:25:53

I think as ideals what you want is fine and he should support that. I’d say to be careful not to give yourself a hard time if it doesn’t go that way though.
Can you take him to a midwife appointment and discuss it there so the midwife can explain it’s perfectly possible to him

Pebblespony Wed 23-May-18 20:26:08

Maybe he's anxious about it too. The wanting to go to the hospital sounds like he's a bit worried. Have you tried talking to him about the safety etc rather than just saying that this is how you want it. In the end, it's your body but it's easier when you have support. About the pain relief, could you not say that you're planning on none but that you're open to change should the situation call for it. Not be so black and white.

Mum2jenny Wed 23-May-18 20:26:17

Maybe choose a different birth partner.

Ultimately make the choice you want. Not certain you'll get it, but at least you've tried. Sometimes things escalate beyond reasonable control and it's often simpler to go with the flow ie follow the advice given (obviously you can tell them to fuck off, but I'd generally take the advice given).

Barbaro Wed 23-May-18 20:26:49

It's your choice.

In all honesty, I think you're half crazy, half brave. I am a coward, no way would I go through that in pain. I'd want every drug in the hospital and send them out for more. grin

LadyintheRadiator Wed 23-May-18 20:27:08

He sounds like a dick.

It is good to know what you do and don’t want for your birth plan but I’d keep an open mind about things too. Your choices should be supported whatever anyone else thinks - it’s your decision and it matters.

Justanothernameonthepage Wed 23-May-18 20:27:36

I would point out to him that his choice is to be supportive or to not be there. It's better to have someone who will support you and enable choices/changes of mind instead of someone who dismisses you. Talk through with your midwife, look up Doulas. Being in control of your birth plan - while accepting it may need to change, is much better mentally than being told you can't cope.

Ummmmgogo Wed 23-May-18 20:28:53

I had that birth plan too. but the bloody baby pooed inside me so I had to go to a ward and be strapped to a bed. resisted the epidural only for them to have to do one anyway when it ended on emcs. keep an open mind anything can happen while giving birth. I'm sure it will all work out how you want it to; but sometimes having a baby is unpredictable.

Dobbythesockelf Wed 23-May-18 20:30:43

Could it just be that he is worried about you especially as you haven't had an easy pregnancy so far? Obviously it's your choice how you give birth but I would advice been open to pain relief as you have no idea until you are in the situation how you will feel. Gas and air doesn't make you feel numb btw.

Lollipop30 Wed 23-May-18 20:30:52


I could have written your post!
I now have 3 children.
No pain relief needed, do use hypnobirthing though and a good playlist. Birth pool is an amazing pain relief, I went to get out thinking they’d stopped and quickly got back in! It’s amazing how much the water helps.
Good luck you’ll be great. Do tell him how you feel though and if he continues I’d seriously consider getting someone else or doing it alone as you need reassurance not the opposite.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Wed 23-May-18 20:32:24

Yanbu. People laughed when I said I wanted no pain relief for DD1. It was fine. I had a huge bloody fight with the hospital over no epidural for the DTs. That was fine, too.

People experience labour pains very, very differently. People who have a lot of pain can and should access pain relief if they want. But lots don't need it and it is fine to have a good try without, as long as you don't shut down options totally in advance.

You just don't know how it will feel. I personally don't find giving birth hurts - I'd say "intense" rather than "painful" - but obviously lots of people find the pain unbearable so be kind to yourself if that turns out to be the case for you.

Pebblespony Wed 23-May-18 20:32:26

My baby did the poo thing too but it was ok. I'd planned no pain relief either but ended up taking the pethadine.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo Wed 23-May-18 20:34:14

He laughs at the idea, says it's not gonna help anything and says he's not gonna sit there and listen to me when I complain about the water being too hot/cold/whatever.

So tell him he’s welcome to fuck off and leave his labouring wife to deliver alone without his support because he’s a selfish git who can’t put himself through a bit of moaning while you go through childbirth!

He insists we go to the hospital as we'd be in the correct hands rights to begin with in case things go wrong.

He doesn’t get to insist. This is your labour and childbirth. You’re the patient. It’s entirely your decision. He can go to whatever maternity unit he likes when he gives birth.

RemainOptimistic Wed 23-May-18 20:34:27

Water birth is available on nhs because it's clinically proven to provide pain relief. It's not a hippy fad!

I had a water birth with no intervention. I had about 20 mins on gas and air while in the pool which was more for me to have a break from the intensity of the experience than anything else. I didn't want drugs originally but by the time I'd been in full labour for a few hours I was pretty desperate! Gas and air is brilliant because it doesn't stay in your system. So after it was taken away I was able to resume fully aware labour within a minute or two. It was pretty amazing.

Definitely recommend hypnobirthing, I found the breathing exercises incredibly helpful.

Your DP needs to get a grip, you are the one carrying the baby. It's your body, your choice. If I'm being kind I'd say maybe he's afraid of harm coming to you or baby and is displacing that fear into his current crappy attitude. Maybe ask him flat out.

TheOriginalEmu Wed 23-May-18 20:35:12

Setting yourself for a rigid idea of what you want with a different outcome meaning you've 'failed' is a pretty worrying mindset to have going into labour. I can see why hes probably concerned. and i say that as someone who booked and had a homebirth for my first child.
Also, you can't blame him for thinking all women have their babies in ahospital in pain needing drugs. thats how birth is portrayed in lots of instances. you might want to show him some drug free birth videos and show him that it IS possible.

Munchyseeds Wed 23-May-18 20:35:53

Long time since I had my babies but I would say have an idea of how you want things to go but don't be too set on it
Had my first in hospital with a tens machine ( fab bit of kit...put it on early) but I would say the fact I knew I could have more pain relief if I needed it was a good thing for me.....after all no one knows quite what to expect!
The only thing I had really decided was that I wanted to be stitched by a midwife (I was)
2nd was at home, again with tens turned right up!
DH didn't really have any input in decision making
Good luck, hope things go how you want them to

Blondephantom Wed 23-May-18 20:36:17

You aren’t being unreasonable about wanting his support. I wouldn’t want a birth partner with me who was ridiculing my choices like this. Perhaps you need to think of someone who would be supportive to be there on the day. Possibly a doula if you don’t have someone you would feel comfortable with.

It is really important to think about how you would like things to go. I’d think of it more as birth wishes rather than a birth plan. I’m sure the maternity unit is lovely but you may not be able to give birth there if overdue, for example. Or the medical staff may suggest pain relief if you are tired to help you rest.

tealandteal Wed 23-May-18 20:37:10

As long as you are low risk, MLU is fine and I would have liked to use our local one if it had noticed closed. They would not exist if the posed a risk to patients.

Don't get too hung up on a set plan, maybe more of an ideal then a set of "if this happens, then I would like this to happen". So ideally waterbirth but if that not possible, you still wants to be mobile. Ideally no pain relief but you will consider x, y then z.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo Wed 23-May-18 20:37:16

Btw having a plan is good OP, as is having an open mind and being realistic. No-one should be ridiculing you. Giving birth is scary, it helps to feel we have some control over it even if in reality we don’t. Husbands are people we have chosen to support us in life. Not be cruel and sneery when we are vulnerable.

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