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Secret scan jitters

(37 Posts)
Tyrrel Wed 23-May-18 14:09:55

DP and I are having our first baby together. He already has a son and is desperate for a girl. We decided not to find out the sex, as he's said he would be disappointed if he found out it was another boy at the scan. What a shit position to put me in. I want to know the sex, I don't want him to know I know as he will analyse every single thing I say, it'll become a 'thing' and will take some of the joy away. He has put me in this position, so I'm booked in tomorrow morning for a scan to find out the sex without him knowing. Am I a bad person for doing this? I have one last chance to cancel the scan but don't want to go through the next 20+ weeks feeling like I currently do, worrying about if it's a boy or girl.

Tyrrel Wed 23-May-18 14:12:25

P.s. NC for obvious reasons. I'm a regular poster.

KindergartenKop Wed 23-May-18 14:14:06

But what if it is another boy? What will you do then for another 20 weeks?

Tyrrel Wed 23-May-18 14:15:34

@KindergartenKop I'll have time to get my head around it and come to terms with it as opposed to the 'what ifs' - I genuinely believe that it will reduce my worry significantly and prepare me for DHs reaction.

gruffaloshmuffalo Wed 23-May-18 14:15:50

I'm torn. We found out with both of my children because my husband wanted to. I did for the first, but I wanted a surprise with the second. We ended up doing what he wanted. If I had my time over I'd not find out and remain firm.

What he wants shouldn't trump what you want and the other way around. Will you be able to keep this a secret? Cos it might well end up coming out and causing bigger issues. If it were me, I'd tell him that I wanted to know and was having a scan tomorrow so he can either come or not, you won't tell him if he doesn't want to know, but it's happening. See what he says.

Grandmaswagsbag Wed 23-May-18 14:15:51

It sounds like a really bad idea to do it without him knowing.

justilou1 Wed 23-May-18 14:16:46

I would have done exactly the same thing as you if my DH had been totally against finding out. He originally wanted a surprise, but knew how important it was to me. (We got a surprise anyway when we found out there was one of each...)

Tyrrel Wed 23-May-18 14:18:16

My point is, he won't know either way. He doesn't want to find out. I want to know. I would rather find out without him knowing than find out and him constantly analyse everything I say etc.

NambiBambi Wed 23-May-18 14:19:23

I'm confused - didn't you post this same problem a few days ago?

DragonMummy1418 Wed 23-May-18 14:21:28

You can tell him you have found out and not tell him. No need for the secrets. 🤷‍♀️

DragonMummy1418 Wed 23-May-18 14:22:11

You'll probably find it difficult to not call the baby him or her anyway. I know I would.

Tyrrel Wed 23-May-18 14:23:48

@NambiBambi no I haven't posted about this previously

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Wed 23-May-18 14:24:20

Wow, that poor baby. Imagine if you found out your dad didn’t care about the new person coming into the world, just whether they have a penis or not. And then all the assumptions that go along with that. I guess if she’s a girl she’ll be expected to run around in pink skirts and be ever so gentle and adore her wonderful daddy as she skips through violets and hugs bunnies or some such.

And yes, it is a shit position to put you in and an awful thing to say to you. I would find out if I were you, but I’d go right ahead and tell him. As though it’s not hard enough having a new born baby, if it’s a boy he wants to add on the stress of thinking your partner doesn’t even want the child?

easterholidays Wed 23-May-18 14:25:47

Why would you be "worrying" about whether it's a boy or a girl, if you don't have the scan? Plenty of people don't, regardless of whether or not they want one sex or the other.

And wouldn't worrying about letting the cat out of the bag for the next 20 weeks be more stressful than not knowing the sex of the baby?

If I were you I'd cancel the scan and discuss it with your DP again. Keeping the secret seems like the worst possible option, with the added risk of it all blowing up when you let it slip.

easterholidays Wed 23-May-18 14:26:38

Plenty of people don't have the scan I mean, rather than don't worry - although plenty of people do neither!

Agree he's putting you in a shitty position.

RomeoBunny Wed 23-May-18 14:31:05

@Tyrrel yes you have. I read the post the other day and even commented on it. You were asking what to do.

Find out. You want to know.

I don't care what anyone else says, and don't understand how women in particular can take the viewpoint of the husbands want to 'not know' trumps the women who is pregnant and has to give birth. Fuck that.

Also your partner is a manchild and you should be telling him that. He should just be happy he has a healthy baby.

cheeseandchoc Wed 23-May-18 14:31:29

Will he just be as upset to find out its a boy at the birth??
Think he needs a reality check, you get what you are given, and should be happy with a healthy baby.
Concerning the scan, not sure I'd be able to keep the secret for so long, what if it is a girl, would you be wanting to tell him then?

Dietcokebreak2 Wed 23-May-18 14:37:43

I was in the exact same position. Dh has son from previous relationship and desperately wanted a girl.

From the start I said I was sure baby was a boy and although I also had a preference to a girl I was sure baby was a boy.

Test came through, little boy. My husband said I jinxed it.

It was a bit twatty of him but actually he doesn't love our son any less for it. It was also forgotten pretty quick.

Get the test and if its a girl keep it quiet, if its a boy tell your dh so he can get used to the fact your having a boy.

NambiBambi Wed 23-May-18 14:50:36

Sorry, my mistake then. It must have been another poster with a pretty much identical issue.

Mousefunky Wed 23-May-18 14:54:45

If I’m being totally honest, he shouldn’t be procreating if he has a huge sex preference and would be ‘disappointed’ in a son as there are obviously no guarantees. I feel sorry for both you and your possible DS if it transpires to be a boy.

I don’t think this a good idea. You will likely end up blurting it out at some stage or another. I know most people buy ‘gender neutral’ baby items anyway but the temptation may be too unreal to purchase so-called boy/girl stuff and he may see and realise. I don’t know, sounds like a disaster waiting to happen to me.

Drknittingfrog Wed 23-May-18 14:56:07

Diet Coke so you can check the sex of babies already conceived by just thinking about it? Does you hubby know how babies work? 😂😂😂 Anyway first child I wanted to know and hubby did not so I found out and did not tell him (made sure to buy anything in neutral colours or to hide anything that was not). Second baby... He wanted again a surprised but I explained for the sake of making things ready for our little boy it would be nice to know what was coming (a little brother). 18 months later big brother still tells me he had really wanted a little sister. Tough! 🤣

Dietcokebreak2 Wed 23-May-18 16:38:03


He thinks I'm a witch grin

blackbunny Wed 23-May-18 17:49:25

Every time someone posts about knowing/not knowing, finding out/not finding out, I always think "what if they get it wrong at the scan?" It's possible. It would be a bit shit to go through the pregnancy confident baby is one sex then give birth to the other, wouldn't that mess with your head?

GreatDuckCookery Wed 23-May-18 17:51:22

I'm having deja vu.

BlueJava Wed 23-May-18 17:52:10

blackbunny is right - they can get it wrong. We spent all of my pregnancy expecting twin girls... had twin boys. (We didn't mind either way),

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