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To not want to go to this funeral?

(53 Posts)
FourForYouGlenCoco Wed 23-May-18 11:53:00

Long post, sorry!
So, DH’s nan died a couple of weeks ago. She was a lovely lady, I liked her but we only saw her a couple of times a year. DH is obviously sad but not devastated - she was in her late 80s and had been in hospital for weeks, so it wasn’t a shock.
But the funeral is next Wednesday - half term week. We have a 5.5yo, 22mo and 6w old. I was planning on spending the week with my mum so she can be an extra pair of hands with the kids. The funeral is an hour’s drive from us and children won’t be allowed at the wake, so we’ll just be there for the service. When we were told the original date, we talked about it a lot and ultimately decided 3 kids on a longish journey, then trying to keep them all quiet in church, then having to drive them all back again, wasn’t worth it. Checked with DH’s dad and he said it was fine, don’t worry. Let my mum know we’d be coming up, double checked DH was ok with going on his own. All sorted.
DH has just rung and it turns out everyone’s expecting us to all be there. Uncles looking forward to seeing the kids, etc etc.
I’m exhausted and was so, so looking forward to a whole week with someone else around to help - DH works long hours 6 days a week so I do the vast majority of everything, on my own, all the time. This cuts the week in half, plus my mum is 3 hour’s drive away - I was already dreading the journey and now I’ll have so much less time before I have to do it again. And the funeral itself will be a nightmare - toddler is super busy and into everything, baby is a screamer and breastfed. DH’s family are Irish so the place will be full of old-school old men who I really don’t fancy whipping a boob out in front of (not to mention trying to find something I can wear to a funeral and bf in!). DH is doing a reading so I’ll be wrangling the kids on my own for at least some of the time.
I feel like crying tbh. Would I be a massive dick and a crap wife to tell DH (nicely!) that I don’t want to go, or do I just have to suck it up, give up my half term plans and get on with it?

HouseworkIsASin10 Wed 23-May-18 11:55:47

DH has just rung and it turns out everyone’s expecting us to all be there. Uncles looking forward to seeing the kids, etc etc.

Just say, would be lovely but not on this occasion. Not feasible.

whatifwhatifhwhatif Wed 23-May-18 11:56:02

If you don't want to go, don't go. Your husband sounds like he would understand. You don't owe anyone anything, but you do owe yourself a break.

Oh and don't feel guilty about it either.

Fruitcorner123 Wed 23-May-18 11:57:29

What is the distance from your mum's to the funeral? it's annoying but if my dH's relation died and he wanted me there I think i would go. Have a chat with him and be honest and say you think it's best you don't go and see how he feels. Taking kids to a funeral like that would be a nightmare but I can understand if he wants you there.

FourForYouGlenCoco Wed 23-May-18 12:07:22

Mum’s to funeral is 2.5 hours, so not really feasible for just me and baby to go (had thought of that!). DH was fine with me not going, but feels the pressure of familial expectation, same as me. None of the uncles have kids, so they don’t really understand the effort involved. Any other week and I’d happily have gone and just dealt with it, but we were planning on being gone Saturday - Saturday so this really is smack in the middle. And I have that new-baby hormones, sleep deprivation amplification effect so it feels a bit like the end of the world. But don’t want DH to feel like I’m letting him down. Bah.

Bluelady Wed 23-May-18 12:11:33

If your husband was in agreement before his family got to him, I'd go with that. You can surely say that, out of respect for grandma, you don't want your children disrupting her funeral and feel it would be better not to go. Then arrange a time later in the summer to visit them instead?

SparkyBlue Wed 23-May-18 13:04:43

Let your husband go and you enjoy the time at your mums with the kids as planned. On the day everyone will be busy and will totally understand why you can't be there. I'm Irish so I understand the Irish funeral thing but I ended up going home very early from mils wake as my two were just hyper and I couldn't relax. On the day they will all be catching up with old neighbours and friends etc so in reality they won't really miss you and I mean that in a nice way.

DobbyisFREE Wed 23-May-18 14:03:21

DH has just rung and it turns out everyone’s expecting us to all be there. Uncles looking forward to seeing the kids, etc etc.

Children should be allowed at the wake then. If they want you there then they need to accommodate you rather than only having children in the church. Completely the wrong way round in my opinion, wakes are louder and for chatting and generally involve food so much more appealing to children.

Crunchymum Wed 23-May-18 14:10:09

Since when do young kids and toddlers go to funerals?

Highly inappropriate in my circles (PIL are Irish). Yes kids often attend the wake etc.. not the actual funeral ceremony.

SleepingStandingUp Wed 23-May-18 14:12:21

Don't. You're 6 weeks pp, you need to stop at least hourly to get the babies out their seats, and the kids aren't welcome at the wake which is surely when people would actually have a chance to see them.

Handsfull13 Wed 23-May-18 14:16:27

I wouldn't go. You were in agreement that it didn't work for your family and I'd stick to it. Tell your DH you understand the pressure his feeling but it isn't fair on your children to make them sit through the travel and service. Offer for the family to come visit to see the children at a later date.

FourForYouGlenCoco Wed 23-May-18 14:18:54

DH’s family are all (almost without exception) very heavy drinkers/alcoholics. Wake is being held in an ‘old man’ pub that doesn’t allow children. Nan had 5 sons and of them, only FIL & 1 other left home, had kids etc, so the wake is essentially a piss-up with DH’s uncles’ drinking circle. I strongly suspect ours will be the only children at the funeral at all.
Going to talk to DH when he’s home later and see how he feels about sticking to the original plan. I feel selfish. But equally the thought of an extra 5 days on the cooking, cleaning, washing, childcare grind vs having a chance to actually (sort of!) relax and recover a bit - for the sake of an hour at a funeral - is almost unbearable tbh.

FourForYouGlenCoco Wed 23-May-18 14:20:31

I like the suggestion of setting up an alternative date to see them, though. That seems like a good compromise, will put it to DH later 👍

GreatDuckCookery Wed 23-May-18 14:25:41

Honestly it's fine not to go. A week with your mum helping out will do you good. Send a card and some flowers and think nothing more of it.

EverythingInItsPlace Wed 23-May-18 14:25:59

They think it would be lovely to see the kids. They'll spend 5 minutes chatting to the older child, 5 mins cooing at the baby and 30 seconds looking at the toddler before deciding s/he is going to wreck the place. Unless the uncles are planning on taking full responsibility for your children (which they're obviously not) then don't go. They'll be entertained by the kids for ten minutes max and your week will be ruined and recovery from childbirth compromised (compared to what it would be with a quiet week at your mum's).

Don't go.

I'm Irish btw and I think it's a ridiculous idea, funeral or no funeral.

EverythingInItsPlace Wed 23-May-18 14:29:39

Another thing - they all would love to see the kids? Have they bothered visiting when it's them that has to travel?

Tell them you'd love to see them and they can see the kids. Your house, pick a Sunday in June, make sandwiches and cake. See who bothers to travel to see the kids then!

AmazingPostVoices Wed 23-May-18 14:30:54

Why on earth didn’t your DH just tell the family you wouldn’t be there?

“It would have been lovely but you’ll uunderstand with the new baby being so small that it’s not practical”

I’d be annoyed that he’d made this your isssue rather than man up to his family.

Stick with your agreement.

Whatshallidonowpeople Wed 23-May-18 14:30:57

Why do people need " an extra pair of hands with the kids"? Don't have so many if you can't manage them.

GreatDuckCookery Wed 23-May-18 14:32:37

Unhelpful comment Whatshallidonowpeople, is that your sole contribution?

DontFundHate Wed 23-May-18 14:33:00

Wow @Whatshallidonowpeople that's uncalled for. Op I feel for you. Don't go and don't feel guilty about it, and enjoy all the extra hands, we all need a hand sometimes and that's fine

AmazingPostVoices Wed 23-May-18 14:33:37

Whats confusedhmmshock

I’m actually quite embarrassed on your behalf.

She has a six week old baby. She’s breastfeeding.

Going to visit her Mums for a bit of help during half term so that the older two get spoiled a bit by their Granny isn’t even in the region of unreasonable.

Iloveacurry Wed 23-May-18 14:34:21

Don’t go, it’s got nothing to do with anyone else. Just go to your mums.

Kilo3 Wed 23-May-18 14:38:22

It’s not appropriate to have such small children at a funeral and perhaps you need to make that clear to the family. Say you look forward to seeing them all at a more appropriate time.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Wed 23-May-18 14:39:45

Whatshallidonowpeople is clearly a dick. Even if he/she is a miracle parent who can manage any children in any circumstances with ease.

OP don’t go. I agree with a pp that they want to see your kids for 2 minutes. I have taken my DD aged 1 and then 2 to Family funerals but they were welcome and lots of aunties were happy to hold/entertain.

Bluesmartiesarebest Wed 23-May-18 14:40:44

Could your DH go on his own with the older 2 children while you stay at home with the baby?

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