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Is this rude?

(34 Posts)
rcat Wed 23-May-18 09:37:58

Dsis is getting married in October and has already sent a save the date card out to guests. She has now started sending out invites to the wedding. My eldest cousin and her son still live with her father and dsis has sent the save the date card to their house. Cousin clearly thought she was invited too,then invite has just gone out only inviting the father to the wedding and not my cousin and her son.

She rang me last night about a bbq she’s planning but ended up mentioning this and it was an awkward conversation, I’m quite close to her but I know dsis isn’t as close (but still family!).

AIBU to think this is a bit rude on behalf of dsis? I want to say something but don’t think it’s my place. I know everyone else in our family has been invited and it seems strange to invite one person from the house and not the other two.

VauxhallVectra Wed 23-May-18 09:40:54

Not rude but also nothing to do with you. I'd advise you keep out of it as it could get messy

Hideandgo Wed 23-May-18 09:42:20

I’d say it to my sis. In fact, she would have been discussing this with me before the save the dates went out if she didn’t want to invite the cousin.

If the cousin is fishing with u just say that you didn’t see the guest list so don’t know who is/isn’t invited. What did the STD say? Surely it was addressed to someone like just the uncle or ‘the smiths’ or whatever. So it can’t have been a total surprise.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish Wed 23-May-18 09:46:08

Every guest that is invited costs money, your sister will have a certain amount of money she can afford spend on the wedding, if she isn't close to extended relatives then she shouldn't have to invite them...just because you are close doesn't mean that they get a pass to the wedding...it's your sisters wedding day..anybody who turns up should be because your sister and her husband to be invite them...if someone is not invited then your sister and her husband to be don't want them there for whatever reason...it's their wedding day, it should be how they want it and they shouldn't be pressured to invite anybody

rcat Wed 23-May-18 09:46:25

I don’t think my cousin was fishing with me,she’s a lovely person but probably a bit surprised by the invite.

The save the date was generic, there was no name on any of them which is probably why she assumed she was also invited.

Hideandgo Wed 23-May-18 09:51:10

Was there no name on the envelope?

BlueBug45 Wed 23-May-18 09:51:12

@rcat you just need to tell your sister she has no manners and should have put names on the save the date cards rather than send them to entire households. The reason for that is I bet she has invited some parents but not their children. Then just leave it as she will probably turn into a bridezilla.

rcat Wed 23-May-18 09:54:43

Bluebug I think you are right.I can totally understand people being quite confused and maybe a bit annoyed thinking they had to set aside a day for her wedding when their house received the save the date card.

As far as I know dsis has only only not invited our cousin and little son though.Other children are invited and cousins father is going on his own.

soapboxqueen Wed 23-May-18 09:57:21

If your dsis had sent a generic save the date card to the house, I'm not suprised your cousin assumed she was included. Doesn't mean she has to be or that she deserves an invite either. However it isn't your mess to clear up.

You need to tell your dsis what has happened and she needs to call your cousin and explain that she isn't invited and sorry if she thought she had been because of the unaddressed invite.

CalF123 Wed 23-May-18 09:57:39

I'd be speaking to your sister and getting your cousin invited.

Fabricwitch Wed 23-May-18 10:02:28

I don't think it's rude.
I live with my parents atm and any generic mail that arrives is assumed for them, it is their house after all. It would have been clearer if she'd put the uncle's name on the envelope of the save the date (which you haven't cleared up if she did or not?) but I would not assume any generic invite arriving at my parents house included me, an adult child.
My parents have just been invited to an engagement party that I haven't. It's a neighbor who is closer to them than me, but I have still known them my entire life. This is not rude, I don't automatically get an invite to every event they do just because I live with them.

rcat Wed 23-May-18 10:02:52

I text dsis earlier, she hasn’t messaged back yet.ive asked if she meant to ask cousin & son or whether not on the list.

Can’t understand why she wouldn’t have put a name on the save the date, would have cleared up the confusion.

Bluntness100 Wed 23-May-18 10:03:11

It's your sisters decision on who to invite to the wedding. She will have her reasons behind her decision.

I'd also assume the card was addressed on the envelope to the father only and not simply the occupiers of that address or the "house" . If the card was sent to the father I've no idea why the cousin assumed she was invited.

rcat Wed 23-May-18 10:06:59

I don’t know who the save the date card was addressed to,i wouldn’t remember whose name was on an envelope.I would look at the card inside.

I totally agree it’s her choice who she invites but I think it should have been written on the actual save the date card to avoid confusion.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 23-May-18 10:08:48

So she's inviting aunts and uncles but not cousins. That's fair enough if that's the same across the whole family.

And I agree, keep out. Not your circus, not your monkeys

LavenderDoll Wed 23-May-18 10:09:02

The envelope would have been addressed to the invited person
Sister can invite who she wants

rcat Wed 23-May-18 10:13:51

The rest of the family are invited, including cousins.

Dsis sent me a message.BIL doesn’t like our cousin and he thinks she will feel out of place with lots of couples because she’s on her own.Dsis said she’s not prepared to pay the extra for them too.

Fair enough I suppose I will try to keep my nose out of it.

sockunicorn Wed 23-May-18 10:24:13

@rcat my brother did this at his wedding. picked and chose cousins to invite. didnt give reasons or even contact the cousins saying "look its limited numbers / whatever". it caused world war 3, lots of gossiping and backstabbing bitching and some family members still wont speak to me or my parents because of my brothers choices. he still doesnt see anything wrong with how he dealt with it all (not dealing with it head on).

gerdinenisaf Wed 23-May-18 10:28:53

This is totally insensitive and unacceptable. Dsis should be approached about dealing with it properly. This is not business, this is family. She sounds a bit spoilt. Maybe this will be her wake up call to grow up, can you imagine someone so thoughtless going through life causing grief and pain because they've never heard the word empathy? It's Dsis' problem, she has to explain why she has not invited this person. Weddings are about families, friends come and go. It does seem a very insensitive or downright cruel to send a date reminder to that home then invite everyone there but one person? It's like a 6 year old's mistake.

rcat Wed 23-May-18 10:29:59

@sockunicorn I do feel very awkward about it and I think my cousin is a bit put out.I understand the money situation but it’s a bit off for the invite going out to everyone else.

I also think that when it’s clear from the get go that you’re not invited then it’s easier than when there’s a misunderstanding over things (like with the save the date card) then it’s harder.

I know it’s dsis choices but like you were saying about your brothers wedding you do find that some people get offended by not being invited.Its really hard when you have people living in the same house with some invited and not others.

People say it’s none of my business but I do feel a bit awkward.

Lethaldrizzle Wed 23-May-18 10:33:45

Of course it's rude.

nikkylou Wed 23-May-18 10:34:47

It sounds a bit rude, based on your last post, that all their other cousins are invited and she is not, because she is single...

As to why she 'recieved' a save the date, perhaps your sister didn't realise this cousin was still living at home and the confusion a lack of specifying might cause.

rcat Wed 23-May-18 10:36:15

@gerdinenisaf yes I wouldn’t do this myself, I would be inclined to invite all the people in that house or if budget didn’t allow not at all. If I was hoping to just invite one person from the house a simple message to the others saying sorry we have a tight budget and hope they understand.

The reasons dsis has given me and the more I know of it seems like a bit of a snub,luckily our cousin is a really nice solid girl and probably will just let it go but it isn’t particularly nice on dsis part.

Honeyroar Wed 23-May-18 10:40:36

She's not handled that well at all. It would have been better to not send the Save the Date card and just personally tell your uncle, then say they were very pushed for numbers so it would only be the uncle invited. The way it's been done could have meant your cousin had booked a day off work or something. It was thoughtless.

From your point of view I'd just say you don't know how she decided who to invite but perhaps numbers were tight, and that you wish your cousin was coming. Then let it drop. It's not your mess.

rcat Wed 23-May-18 10:45:29

BIL and dsis have their selfish moments.

When our cousin had her christening she invited everyone.They turned up at the end of the day,after the service and much of the reception and just ate the food at the buffet.They brought a card but I did cringe,again something I really wouldn’t do.

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