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To want for my son to go nc with ex partner.

(23 Posts)
roseannefan Wed 23-May-18 01:40:29

Hi all,
Have name changed for this as it is outing and don't want my other posts being read.

There's a bit of back story, ex dp as always liked a good drink, could be very emotionally abusive use to make me think I did do the stuff he said and maybe I was crazy, things like that, smashing up house sometimes hitting me.
He used to sod of every weekend cause a row on a Thursday not come home Friday from work stumble in Sunday straight to bed, spent all he's wages etc back to work all week then same old, drinking every night of the week some excuse or another football, bad day at work, good day at work. Anyway one Thursday he was drunk and really laid into me and that was it when he left Friday morning I got the locks changed packed he's stuff left it in the porch and stayed with my mum for a few weeks, we had a lot of trouble from him and I ended up getting a restraining order.
After two years he made contact to see he's son and said he'd changed all was fine for a year and a half then he met a different girlfriend he'd had a few before I never met them but my son said they were nice enough but this one seemed to take an instant dislike to my ds, when my ex was out of the room she would ignore him, he said when he stayed there him and her daughter were sent to bed early while they drunk "Stella" and they was not allowed to leave the rooms even if the music was really loud. I spoke to ex p on phone one day and she was screaming in the background at me no idea why we wasn't arguing he'd just called to see what day was convenient to see ds. Anyway it all come to logger heads when they went away for the weekend on holiday, baring in mind she's known my son 4 months by this stage she sat him down when he's dad was out and told him detailed information about intercourse and periods he had just turned 8! When my son come home he said the whole weekend had been about him taking her little girl to the park or arcades why they stayed at the caravan drinking, I said to ex p no more overnights he doesn't enjoy them just days, then the next time he had him he drove him home after drinking! That was it I went no contact my sons welfare is my only concern. It's been a year and a half and I received an email from him, (he doesn't have our new address or my number) and he wants to see him again, I spoke to ds only for the reason I don't want him growing up and being told I was the one who stopped contact. He said he would like to see him for a few hours if he can promise not to drink and he doesn't want he's partner there, he does miss him but doesn't want any of that stuff happening like before, so I emailed this back and he asked to meet us and discuss it. I would normally say no but I thought no I will go be stern with what has been said and show him I'm no longer scared of him. We met at a restaurant where friends were conveniently eating (just so I felt safer). I could of sworn he'd already had a couple of drinks but thought nope don't say anything, then he ordered a Stella, then he started to ask ds why he doesn't want to be around he's partner or stay over son explained then he went on to ask him again and again and I stepped in, to which he told me to let him talk for himself I said he did but you keep asking him the same question, he said I've made him think that way and then went on to say to ds well we are going on holiday this year you can't come to that then, and theme parks you can't come to them etc, I asked my ds if he could go fill my drink up at he refill machine and said to him you can't do that you can not try to blackmail him or make him feel bad like that he went to shout at me to which I said let me stop you right there I have changed I will not take that at all to which he replied so had he changed, I said we'll be a decent parent then, if he can't come to these things don't bring them up to him and make him feel bad. Ds come back and we spoke for a few more minutes and he said he'll give it a month but then he has to see he's partner as she's the driver now he's lost he's license and he will have to stay over, anyway I gave him and ds some time to catch up and spoke to friends and when we got home ds said he felt like when I left it was like he'd spotted a ufo and was talking to the news with all the questions he's dad asked him about it all, then said it's fine mum I will just do what he says so I can see him. This has made me so furious AIBU to step in and say you know what actually no, no contact would be better? If so how do I explain this to ds? If not what other options do I have? I know there lifestyle if still the same 6 months ago I received a Facebook message from the father of the little girl of ex partners girlfriends, asking me for advice as he had been getting loads of bother from them and he's little girl said they were drinking all the time and ex partner was screaming in her face, did he have form for this? I replied saying I wish I could be more help but we don't have contact at the moment but yet he does I'm afraid he's always been a drinker and not always a very nice one either, to which he said so was he's ex p so it seems a match made in heaven

roseannefan Wed 23-May-18 01:41:05

Sorry for the long post I just didn't wanna drop feed.

Puffycat Wed 23-May-18 01:56:28

Bloody hell OP! I’m now going for a lie down with a cold flannel over my face. What a load of Jeremy Kyle!
You can’t make your son go NC but you can be a strong mum.
Point out the fact that ExP is perhaps (coff) drinking a little too much,
And that whatever you feel, you will always be there.
Don’t diss your big pile of shitty useless ex to your DS, that will make him resent you.
Tbh I lost a bit of your post cos it’s late and I’m weak but I think it’s safe to say you are well rid such a dingle berry.

loopylass13 Wed 23-May-18 01:57:37

I don't have any advice but I wanted to say you are not being unreasonable to want your child to have no contact with this seemingly dipstick of a dad.

I don't know what I would do.

Maybe contact should only be under your supervision. Personally I'd be tempted to just block all contact for now especially as he is abusive and seems to overly value drink. I'd keep everything in writing as evidence. Easy for me to say

Gagastwin Wed 23-May-18 01:58:00

I would stop contact and tell your son it is for the best, and that when his father takes you to court for contact that then he can be supervised in a contact centre and be subject to drug testing.
He lost his licence, most likely from drink driving.
They are both drinkers and you have evidence that your ex dp, new gf, ex is having the same issues with his daughter.

Carcass and social services need to be involved.

And this is without mentioning the emotional abuse, which your ex did to your child in front of you in a public place by emotionally blackmailing him.

I would explain to your son you are afraid he hasn't changed, I would tell him his "stepmothers" ex contacted you and show him that message. Be honest, not nasty.

loopylass13 Wed 23-May-18 02:05:54

I think if you can get anyway with no contact with the dad then I'd do it because no contact with an idiot is better than contact with an idiot. Your child is eight and he can not possibly understand the long term damage a selfish abuse drunk dad can have on him. Law might see you as equals but you have the right to protect him from his father. What is in your child's best interest? From what you describe, I'd vote no contact indeed.

roseannefan Wed 23-May-18 02:06:59

Thank you guys, I always refrain from being nasty about he's father to him it would only hurt him in the end that's how I see it. He's only 10 I don't want him to have to go through the rest of he's life witness all that stuff but then again I don't want him to resent me for stopping him seeing him. I think honesty is the best policy that's how I've tried to approach it so far and I think that's why he said to me he's dad was questioning him loads. I just feel so sorry for him he's dad really is missing out on such a lovely funny boy. I don't want him to take that away from him.

Life is so peaceful without this man on the scene it really is.

And yes he did loose it through drink driving I heard that through the grapevine.
One more thing to mention he actually said to me the reason I stop child support, ( he pays very little and very very sporadically) is because I can control you that way, I just said I've never relied on it anyway so it's neither here nor there.

loopylass13 Wed 23-May-18 02:09:19

Is he eight, thought I read that?

roseannefan Wed 23-May-18 02:14:42

He was 8 on the last contact when it all came to a loggerhead now it's been a year and a half he's now 10. What upset me was him saying he'd just do whatever he's dad said so he can see him, it shouldn't be like that as a parent you make sacrifices for your children not the other way around, I really don't think a few hours each fortnight is hard to refrain from drinking and just having some one on one time with your son.

Gagastwin Wed 23-May-18 02:25:58

I think you should sit ds down and show him all the evidence you have. Tell him you love him too much to risk his life with a drunk driver and that it wasn't fair his dad was speaking to him that way.
Don't tell him about anything ex said to you, just keep the topic to their relationship.
Honesty is the best policy. I was in a similar situation and the court listened to my 7 yr old and ordered no contact when dad couldn't prove himself.
It isn't worth the risk. Let ex take it to court if he cares so much and dig up as much as you can on him online for evidence.
I would also contact the gfs ex for a recent update, enquire how they have been etc to his DD as they've contacted you. You never know, he might even be willing to speak to cafcass or social services or tell you he reported them to social services.

Gagastwin Wed 23-May-18 02:27:20

Your son also said he wanted to see dad if he wasn't drinking, he drank in front if your son. He couldn't even go that short amount of time without a drink

nursy1 Wed 23-May-18 02:48:14

I would be tempted to go nc. God knows what might happen. The situation he would be in is not safe.
I agree with sitting him down for a chat but only be as honest as you can reasonably be with a 10yr old. I wouldn’t show him txts, it’s like showing him “ everyone thinks your Dad is a bad person”
My dc gf was an alcoholic. ( let’s not beat about the Bush, this is your ex) After one fairly horrific visit I explained about addiction and how the drinking made him say and do such stupid things. “He is a good person but he is ill” there is an organisation for the children of alcoholics who might offer help with explanations.

nursy1 Wed 23-May-18 02:49:49

Btw op. It sounds like you are a brilliant parent.

Graphista Wed 23-May-18 04:00:31

Child of an alcoholic here.

Sounds like your ex is too, and his gf which means they probably make each other worse. I wouldn't trust her driving him either.

I would stop contact and explain that due to his fathers behaviour, likely caused by an addiction you don't feel he would be safe with him without someone sensible supervising.

The LEAST is your son is emotionally damaged insofar as tiptoeing round your ex and constantly trying to please him. The WORST could well be outright abuse up to and including physical abuse, especially as he heads into moody teen territory. Plus possibly endangering him by putting him in a car with the drunk gf.

IF he really wants to see your son he can sober up and take you to court. I think that highly unlikely.

Battleax Wed 23-May-18 04:51:11

I’d reframe it as a move to postal contact until your son will be safe in his care (when he addresses his alcohol problem).

T1M2N3T4 Wed 23-May-18 05:13:11

If your son wishes to have contact then you could try a contact centre.
My dad (the resident parent) would drop us off, 10 minutes later my mother would arrive and have an hours supervised contact in a place she couldn't do drugs, then she would leave and 10 minutes later my dad would come back.
The 10 minutes either side was to prevent them bumping into each other.

If your son doesn't want contact then definitely go nc.

At 10 years old my brother was deemed to have enough capacity to choose for himself if he wished to have contact with our mother. If I remember correctly this was done through social services ( I could be wrong though and this was 20 years ago)

TheOriginalEmu Wed 23-May-18 05:23:18

HIS father. The word is HIS, not he’s.
I think your son has a right to know his father.

Whatshallidonowpeople Wed 23-May-18 07:12:12

Why do you keep using "he's" instead of "his"?

roseannefan Wed 23-May-18 08:55:51

Thank you everyone for your advice. I think I will sit him down and talk to him about his dads drinking problem and say what you have said nursy1. A contact centre is something I could look into I didn’t know you could use them unless referred from an authority and we have never had any involvement with social and he’s never taken me to court I think it’s highly unlikely he would.
Sorry about the typo’s it was very late last night and I couldn’t sleep worried about it all so was trying to get it all of my chest.
Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read my post and reply flowers

SavageBeauty73 Wed 23-May-18 09:12:05

No need to apologise for the typo. Stay strong for your son. Sounds like unsupervised contact is a bad idea.

mydogmymate Wed 23-May-18 09:31:12

I've been through exactly the same with my dc's dad. He would sneakily drink when my son was there unsupervised, then he would bully him emotionally. He's an abusive alcoholic who's currently on his 7th drink drive conviction ( he's been in prison too). I could use loads if examples of what he's done, but suffice to say that it never ends well with an alcoholic.
One thing I've learned is to keep your child safe, don't listen to the promises ( it's all bullshit) and tell your son that it's not ok for him to be around him when he's drinking. Your son will try and normalise the drinking because he wants a dad, it's heartbreaking to see, but nothing will ever change. I decided six months ago to go no contact, what did it for me was seeing my son ( he's 11) shake with fear when his dad phoned him and gave him a bollocking about an Xbox payment that went out of his account. I was furious that he'd done this to my child so we both blocked him on every device.

If you can, please go to an al anon meeting. This clarification you get that you're not the only one going through this was a lightbulb moment for me. Unfortunately there is no solution, supervised contact will be hijacked because he will want his partner there and he will drink in front of him again.

I don't have the answers, but if going nc will protect your son then you have to do it.
Good luck thanks

Gagastwin Wed 23-May-18 09:59:58

You can apply to court too, and I would. This will get other services involved and they will speak to your son and ask him what he has seen. They will do a full background check too so any other incidents or visits to the local police station will be logged and made known. They can also monitor him and as ex is the one causing this situation, make him pay for the contact centre.

nursy1 Wed 23-May-18 10:28:52

Good luck rose. Your Ds is lucky to have you sorting this out for him x

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