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Partner wants to give livingroom to sd

(204 Posts)
siobhann86 Tue 22-May-18 22:25:34

My partner has just recently got in touch with his dd after 12 years. She is now 15. She has left home and now 'lives with us' we live in a four bedroom house, ds aged 10 as a bedrrom ds 2 aged 2 has a bedroom, we obviously have a bedroom and my partners other dd who stays with us weekends as a bedroom. We also have 2 livingrooms, one big one at the front of the house (which is the heart of our home where we relax each evening) and a very small one at the rear of the house which is rarley used due to its size apart toys, a desk and to walk through to get to the conservatory. My partner wants to turn front living room into ds bedroom and we relocate to the tiny back livingroom. Aibu to say no?! I mean she's been here a week. I suggested that either she has the back living room and we can get a sofa bed in there for her and some drawers for her things but he shot me down with a no, she needs a 'proper bedroom' or i suggested bunk beds in sisters bedroom as there is only 4 years in age and and she only comes weekends anyway so if my partners dd does fully commit to living here she still has her private space most of the week, but apparantly she wants her own room and is pestering my partner daily! She could go home next week for all we know. I did try and keep the peace by saying if she shows commitment we'll do it but i really dont understand why she cant share a bedroom. How can a family of 6 use a tiny livingroom?! And i want to try for another baby next year so that would be 7!

Rocinante1 Tue 22-May-18 22:30:09

He’s being an idiot.

He wants the whole family to suffer so she can have her own massive room? She can have the box room or share - that’s what ever other family does. But if you’re planning another child, maybe you should look for a new house? Where will you put a toddler if he’s so against room sharing and you don’t know if anyone will have moved out by that time.

Rocinante1 Tue 22-May-18 22:31:38

I just saw the bit about her pestering for it. Eh - no. She’s the child, she cannot make the rules and she is not taking your living room away.

Put your foot down - don’t agree to do it if she decides to stay. She can have her own small room, or she can share, but you need to think of the whole family, not just her.

MimiSunshine Tue 22-May-18 22:32:00

Do you use the conservatory? If so she can’t have the small room as a bedroom, she’s have no privacy.

If not then I’d say the small room is fine, but with a proper bed.
It’s ludicrous to turn the main living area into a bedroom, it’s not sustainable long term so if the other room isn’t private then she shares with step sister

AnathemaPulsifer Tue 22-May-18 22:32:32

What is their argument against her having the smaller lounge? Is it much smaller than the bedrooms upstairs? Do people walk through it to access the conservatory? A teen can't have a bedroom that's a thoroughfare. But 6 people can't have a lounge that's smaller than the bedrooms upstairs!

Of course she's welcome but you can't magic up space and a family home needs a functional lounge so she will need to compromise somehow, or someone else will.

Is the other DSD her full sister?

Cheby Tue 22-May-18 22:33:10

YANBU on the bedroom front. It makes most sense for the two girls to share due to the amount they will use the rooms, and the closeness in age. Giving up the family living room makes zero sense.

YA possibly BU planning another child when you’re struggling to fit in the ones you already have. Where would you put the baby? Would they share with the 2yo?

Ohyesiam Tue 22-May-18 22:33:41

Both of your suggestions sound good.
But this does sound like a bit of a changeable arrangement. I wouldn’t be surprised if she moved out again, or some other big change .

Happinesss Tue 22-May-18 22:34:42

I’d personally make her share the bedroom with the other dd.
Why would you give up a room when they can share ?
Why does she get to demand stuff after for whatever reason being no contact for 12 yrs

GunpowderAndLead Tue 22-May-18 22:42:36

If she gets her way on this (which btw is ridiculous) it will be opening the gates for more ridiculous demands. Start as you mean to go on.

Chickychoccyegg Tue 22-May-18 22:43:26

No way would I be giving up the living room, dsd and dh are practically strangers to each other and I wouldn't be surprised if she moved out again after the novelty wares off, she certainly shouldn't be coming along demanding anything, she
should be told to share with her sister!!!
Your dh is being a complete idiot, trying to compensate for 12 years of no contact by giving her everything she wants.

HerMajestysSecret Tue 22-May-18 22:48:13

If your living arrangements are so squeezed, why are you planning another baby? Your partner's 5th child?

siobhann86 Tue 22-May-18 22:49:51

Thanks for the replies smile glad you all think the same as me. My partners two daughters have different mums. My parters dd is still quite new to us all, she's only been in touch for 7 months and up until last week had never been to our house before, then suddenly had a argument with her mum so she's ran away to our house. We've had the police and social services involved after her mum reported her missing. We no longer have them involved as it was a open and closed case. I think she's come here to spite her mum and as soon as dad stops tip toeing around her she'll be back home. If i do get pregnant the baby will share with my youngest. And we do use the smaller living room to get to conservatory but we don't have to. We could use the side door go outside and enter the conservatory that way, bit of a pain but id rather that than lose my livingroom! I think my partner thinks im being selfish and pety angry

NevermindMyMind Tue 22-May-18 22:52:38

Why does she get to demand stuff after for whatever reason being no contact for 12 yrs

Er, because exactly that. It's not as if at 3 it would have been her choice to go NC! You could argue her DS' could share too.

However, I'd say her own (box) room if she shows commitment but share with other DD until then (unless/until one of them is 16).

I feel the rule council's use/d (or did when I last worked in housing) for bedroom entitlement fair on the whole though (2 children per room as long as it has space for 2 single beds - a boy and a girl can share until one of them is 10 OR two boys/two girls until 16 and adult couples have their own room). I know it's different when you're not renting and people have to put up with whatever but I do feel it's usually fair on everyone.

OP, try to look at the emotional reasons as to why she wants to live there and have her own room.

MyOtherProfile Tue 22-May-18 22:53:32

Crazy. But I guess somehow he feels he owes her something. Even if he does it can't come at the expense of a family lounge. She can share with her half sister.

VladmirsPoutine Tue 22-May-18 22:53:33

The backstory here must be very bizarre.

StaplesCorner Tue 22-May-18 22:54:45

Oh oh - my partner thinks im being selfish and pety - I think this is a red flag; do you think he feels some form of guilt (even if it wasn't his fault) they weren't in touch and now wants to go Disney dad on her? I think he only needs to look in the mirror to see selfish and petty!!

Missingstreetlife Tue 22-May-18 22:54:56

Why are you helping this girl defy her mum. Your dp should take her home and encourage them to sort things out. She can visit weekends. Too much power, not good for her.

SaucyJack Tue 22-May-18 22:56:16

YANBU.

There is a room she can have. Madness to give her the main lounge instead.

I certainly wouldn't call your living arrangements stretched by any sense of the imagination btw, so ignore the previous poster.

C0untDucku1a Tue 22-May-18 23:00:30

Ridiculous of him. He is being disney dad after years of being no kind of dad at all. Stuck to your guns and stop ttc for now

pallisers Tue 22-May-18 23:00:41

My partner has just recently got in touch with his dd after 12 years

well he has a way to go to establish himself as a decent parent. He has 2 children by 2 different mothers and was out of contact with his eldest. And is now planning a third child with a third woman. No doubt he is a wonderful father though.

Why not put your two sons in together in one room? Or why not give the conservatory to the daughter who only stays weekends?

none of this will happen though. the 15 year old will feel her worth in your house and will move on so you are probably correct in not making any permanant arrangements.

Eastcoastmost Tue 22-May-18 23:01:12

Well if he’s had no contact for most of her life, I’d say the least he owes her is a bedroom!

Notcontent Tue 22-May-18 23:01:24

Can you afford to support another child in these curcumstances???

pallisers Tue 22-May-18 23:05:08

she certainly shouldn't be coming along demanding anything

Yeah, you'd think after 12 years of her dad not contacting her, she'd know better.

Waiting for OP to come along and explain the amazing circumstances (probably involving crazy mean ex) which meant her husband had no contact for 12 years but NONE of it was his fault.

Feel so sorry for the children in these situations. not just the 15 year old but the 10 year old (yours? His? both of yours? ) trying to make sense of it all.

You have 4 bedrooms and 4 children, only 3 of whom live with you full time. You can figure it out without converting living rooms or conservatories or having drama.

FizzyGreenWater Tue 22-May-18 23:05:14

Err. No.

Ridiculous that the main communal room in a house with a BIG family in it is turned into a bedroom to bribe this girl to stay. Call it what it is.

Tell your partner that as a parent, you can offer this advice. You can see right through what he's trying to do and you sympathise. But if there is one thing which will make his DD want to stay as a permanent part of your family, it won't be bribes and bedrooms.

It will be the parenting she needs and hasn't had. Consistency, boundaries, love and laughter but also rules, firmness. Being guided, being given standards for behaviour and being helped to and expected to aim for them. Feeling that she has a father figure, not a new mate. Being able to feel that she is a child, not someone in a house share.

siobhann86 Tue 22-May-18 23:06:06

We cant talk to her Mum. She wants no contact we dp. She does all the communication through the school teachers hmm her and my dp split up when dsd was 1 they remained on good terms then one day he went to see them and they where gone! House was empty! No word from them til a few months ago when dsd was found on social media. Very bizarre situation. He definitely is going all disney dad. It's driving me mad, but im just keeping quiet and letting it run its course. envy

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