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To be upset over no inheritance

(63 Posts)
rainrainrainrain Tue 22-May-18 19:06:22

I know talking about inheritance is a really uncomfortable subject, which is why I'm asking for opinions on here rather than voicing it to my family. I don't plan on making a big fuss but I'd like a bit of perspective.

I have three sisters and I'm the oldest. Since childhood I've had a bad relationship with my father, though this has improved in the last few years after I moved out. As a child/teen he would go out of his way to embarrass me and give me a hard time. As a teen I suffered from terrible anxiety (still do) and depression, and he didn't help with some of the things he did to humiliate me. I had a really bad stage where I stopped going to school because of the anxiety.

My dad also has mental health problems, and he would say I was the cause (the stress with my anxiety). After his parents died he spoke with his aunt every day on the phone, slagging me off and twisting things so she would feel sorry for him for having such a 'difficult' daughter. I couldn't do anything right. Even years later, I went to university, for a job and tried to make something of myself, I'm still painted as the devil.

My dad's aunt (my great aunt) has no children or family, so became closer to my dad after her husband died. She also started showing an interest in my sisters, and invited them all to stay with her separately (she lives up north and we are in the south). She has never invited me. I asked why and my sister said it's because she thinks I would cause problems after what my dad has told her. She last saw me when I was 14 or so.

My dad and his aunt have many conversations about her will, which I have overheard while he's been on the phone with her when I'm there. I've been told by my sister (who is the second executor on my great aunt's will) that she is leaving most of her estate to my dad, and £20K each to my sisters. She's leaving me nothing, and my sister said it's 'because of my behaviour and stressing dad'.

I know people can do what they like with their money, and tbh it's not even the money I'm upset about. It's the fact I'm singled out. I don't even think I'm a bad person - yes, it must have been hard for my parents to have a child with the anxiety problems I had/have, but they have problems too. It's the fact my dad has spent years bad mouthing me and twisting things, and I just don't know why he would do that to his daughter. Sorry this was a bit long, obviously it's her choice re. Her money but I feel like an outcast in the family.

whatamistake Tue 22-May-18 19:09:44

I think your dad has been a total arse. Poisonous man.

Go nc if I were you.

And no, yanbu

Bunbunbunny Tue 22-May-18 19:10:29

What did you dad or sisters say? By keeping the money they’re basically agreeing that your dad was right.

He sounds really toxic and if he hasn’t tried to amend for his lies you are better off without him or your sisters.

Calvinlookingforhobbs Tue 22-May-18 19:11:08

These two deserve each other. What a pair of horrible horrible people. I am so sorry, OP. If I were one of your sisters, I would share my inheritance with you. Be careful and look out for yourself. Your family sound pretty disgusting.

Bunbunbunny Tue 22-May-18 19:11:56

Also I’d rather be the outcast in that type of family then one of them

Xenia Tue 22-May-18 19:12:29

There is nothing to stop your sisters sharing their £20k each with you although no legal obligation that they do. Could you try to suck up to the aun now? Send he rpresents, do lots of visits, tell her how wonderful she is, visit her with your father etc etc.

Usernameunknown2 Tue 22-May-18 19:13:10

Im not surprised you are upset. Your aunt sounds like a shitty person herself for ignoring you most of your life. She has judged you for your fathers lies and not thought to find the truth.

And what of your sisters? Do they stand up to your dad? Are they honest to your aunt?

It sounds like you are the scapegoat of your family, i think Stately homes may help you. Honestly i would go nc with your dad and ignore your aunt.

Butterymuffin Tue 22-May-18 19:13:27

She's a fool. You deserve better than any of these toxic family members.

YoYotheclown Tue 22-May-18 19:16:36

If I were you. I wouldn’t even be wanting to be part of whatever that is. They sound absolutely horrible people. Just leave them to it. Good luck op.

Elspeth12345 Tue 22-May-18 19:17:20

Wow, I agree that your Dad sounds completely toxic. No wonder you feel upset!

Your sisters are agreeing with your Dad by planning to keep the money rather than to share it. I think you should tell them how upset you are that they are basically rejecting you and allowing your Dad to reject you by not sharing the inheritance money.

Pancakeflipper Tue 22-May-18 19:19:51

I think she's using her money as power.
I think I'd be hurt too, but if you can rise above their game playing. Punishing San adult cos of their difficulties as a child is a crap thing to do.

(and anyway no one will really know what's in the will until her death).

ajandjjmum Tue 22-May-18 19:31:53

If you and your sisters have a strong relationship, and they know the grief that you had from your Dad as you were growing up, I would be surprised if they didn't share the money equally with you.

That is what I would do.

Any decent parent/relative should be even handed with siblings, unless there is a very good reason.

Branleuse Tue 22-May-18 19:32:40

thats awful to be the scapegoat of the family sad

SaltireSaltire Tue 22-May-18 19:42:52

Surely your family will split their share with you?

KERALA1 Tue 22-May-18 19:45:28

And anyway you were a child when you supposedly did "wrong" it's do unreasonable I don't know where to start. Can you bin them all off they sound vile

FASH84 Tue 22-May-18 19:47:38

YANBU to be upset especially with your dad but ultimately it's her money and she can do as she pleases with it

TheyCanGoInTheBucket Tue 22-May-18 19:47:44

Your dad has emotionally abused you for decades and your aunt has colluded in that abuse.

They're both using the will to further this emotional abuse.

You can't do anything to change it. It would be nice if your sisters split the money with you, it would be the decent thing to do. However, it's a lot of money and money does strange things to people.

I'd absolutely cut your dad out if your life. If you're such a stress to him then surely he'll appreciate it. The fact that he won't appreciate you going NC would be further proof of his abuse and manipulationflowers

AnyFucker Tue 22-May-18 19:48:20

That is fucking horrible

I would share the money with you split evenly between the sisters

Rudgie47 Tue 22-May-18 19:48:33

I wouldnt be bothered, I'd rather sleep on the streets than have anything to do with any of them again.
Why are you still having anything to do with them? theres going to be no changes. Cut your losses now and move on forget them and the money.

choli Tue 22-May-18 19:49:42

Pretty obnoxious of your father to discuss the will on the phone in front of you.

YANBU to be upset, your feelings are yours to own. YWBU to make a fuss about it. Her estate is hers to leave as she chooses. Your sister may just be stirring. The woman is not even dead yet.

Tistheseason17 Tue 22-May-18 19:51:03

This isn't about inheritance.
You are quite rightly hurt by your Dad's behaviour.
Leave the inheritance alone. You've not seen Aunt since aged 14yrs so let go.

I bet you'd rather have your Dad saying kind words than this money.

ConfessionsOfTeenageDramaQueen Tue 22-May-18 19:52:26

Hmm crazy old loner woman constantly talking about her will to relatives? If I were your dad and sisters I wouldn't be counting my chickens before they hatch. She could well keep going on about her will to ensure they keep paying attention to her and visit her - and end up leaving it all to a cat shelter.

Having said that, it might make you feel better to reach out to her and perhaps attempt to initiate at least a meeting, if not a relationship?

NotARegularPenguin Tue 22-May-18 19:52:48

What are your sisters saying?

Years ago my brother was cut out my mums will (she hasn’t actually died yet) and I told him I’d split whatever I got 50/50 with him. I’d know he would have done the same for me.

ajandjjmum Tue 22-May-18 19:55:56

That's how a sibling relationship should be Penguin. I know myself and my DB would do the same (although our parents would never have put us in that position). We're very lucky though to have those relationships. smile

JackieReacher Tue 22-May-18 19:55:56

my mother pulls the same crap as your father does and for decades has done her level best to play my brother and I off against each other - calling one to say how terrible the other is. It's done nothing but draw us closer. Her friends believe we are some kind of devil spawn, whereas the reality is that she adores a drama and being the centre of attention and is possibly a good old fashioned narcissist. It has without a doubt poisoned people against my brother and I.
With your aunt, unless you want to approach her to set the record straight (with support from your siblings - why are they letting her believe this toxic crap?), unfortunately you'll have to suck it up. Your sisters should stick up for you but any direct approach now is likely to look like your'e fishing for an inheritance which could simply serve to prove the lies your father has been telling

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