To wish DH would stop pandering to his son?

[OnTheporch]

DSS is 22 years old. Always been very moody, grumpy, goes off in strops and won't tell anyone why, just ghosts people. He's very immature for his age and acts like a child, demanding attention all the time, expecting to be ferried around from a to b, expects everything to be bought for him or provided for him.

Anyway he used to come here every weekend and as he got older, it dwindled down and he'd maybe come once or twice a month. DH was gutted but kept in touch via Facebook.

The last time we saw him was Christmas. I think this is normal at his age personally but DH is upset that "access weekends" have grounded to a halt. Still, as I said he keeps in touch over Facebook.

However, DSS has suddenly decided to stop replying to DH. Maybe he's in a strop about something but we can't think why. The last time DSS replied to a message was February and DH has sent his 16 messages since then.
"How are you?"
"What you upto?"
"Hello? Anyone there?"
"Hi son, how's it going?"

Etc etc ... all of them ignored. It infuriates me to see DH making such an effort and just being blanked like he's a piece of shit not worth bothering with. DSS is getting these messages as it shows them as read so he's deliberately ignoring them.

I don't intend to say or do anything but AIBU to find it frustrating? And wish DH would stop pandering and just leave him to either say what the problem is or crack on?

If he was a child it would be different but this is a grown man treating his dad like crap for no apparent reason and imo DH is encouraging it by pandering!!

[Sirzy]

That doesn’t sound like pandering, that sounds like Is is really struggling with being cut off with no knowledge as to why.

[Wolfiefan]

I agree with Sirzy. He's upset at having no contact with his child, worried about him and wants to know what's happened.

[OnTheporch]

Yes I agree but sending endless messages isn't going to help that, it's just giving DSS the attention he craves.

Even if he just sent him a message saying "you seem to be ignoring me, is there a problem?" Rather than sending endless messages pretending that he hasn't noticed he's being ignored.

[Chickychoccyegg]

Has your dh tried phoning his son? Personally if I hadn't heard from one of my kids since mid Feb I'd be trying to phone them (a lot) orturn up at they're home to see if they're ok, I wouldn't call it pandering to want to check your child's ok, when they've not replied to any of your messages, even when they are an adult!

[HollowTalk]

Would you really have just sent your child one message and left it at that?

Pandering to his son means doing what he wants all the time. This isn't pandering, it's parental concern.

[elephantscanring]

How far away do you live from son? Has your h rung the son? Can he walk to his ex to find out what's going on? Has he visited?

Sounds like he's very worried, not 'pandering' at all.

Aren't you curious about what's happened??

[MrsJayy]

He clearly isn't pandering to his son he hasn't spoken to him since February he wants to speak to him. You don't stop communitating with your kids because they are 22, The son might be upset about something or nothing and he should/could message back his dad is worried.

[OnTheporch]

Btw he's done this before, but not for as long. It usually turns out to be a strop about DH not buying him a car or something silly but he's not actually asked for anything recently so it's very confusing. But DSS does this on purpose, tries to get everyone guessing. He's done it before and I feel for DH who bends over backwards for him then gets cut off after a slight strop

[robotcartrainhat]

er... I actually think that what hes doing is probably best. It would be pandering to acknowledge the behaviour and get riled up by it.
He should just send a message every now and again asking how he is until the boy gets over his strop and replies.
It doesnt sound like he is being manipulated by your step sons strops because he is not sending long messages asking what hes done wrong and what he can do etc.... hes just sending a message asking how he is every now and again..... which is totally fair. This is his son so hes not just going to give up is he?

[kaytee87]

Has he actually picked up the phone to call him?

[OnTheporch]

He doesn't give anyone his phone number and when DH did have the number (old phone) he'd never answer it anyway.

He regularly goes to their house to pick up the younger son and gets told he's "out" or "in bed".

[DaffoDeffo]

he's 22 - this is what happens when they get older

but you can't blame your dh for caring xx

I would focus on setting up something like a meal out for an occasion that he can't ignore. Is there a birthday? Or how about you calling DSS and asking him to come up for a meal for father's day? And then arranging a lovely meal out for everyone....

[itallhappensforareason]

It's a frustrating situation but he has to keep on trying. Can you imagine the guilt knowing you didn't make the effort you should with your child? At least he can say he has done everything he can if he continues to try and communicate. It'll then be the son with the guilty conscience for not reciprocating.

[OnTheporch]

Yes actually I see your point, he probably is doing the right thing keeping the messages short and simple rather than playing up to the drama.

This lad gets his own way constantly, DH puts him before everyone else (including the younger son) so when DSS does eventually get back in touch DH will go all silly and become Disney dad again in order to keep him sweet. I just find it so frustrating.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

I don't think you can blame your DH for caring about his son and trying to get in touch. It must be extremely hurtful for him.

But at the same time, I can see it's frustrating for you.

Unfortunately, I don't really think there's anything you can do about it.

This selfish man child (22 FFS!) is playing up and everyone is letting him. If anything, suggest to DH that he backs off entirely. Attention seekers crave attention (obv) so don't give him any.

[OnTheporch]

He's missed meals, celebrations, family bbqs, cinema trips - he's been invited to everything but as I say, has ignored every message.

[DaffoDeffo]

is he living with his mother still? does he have a job? (the son)

[Happinesss]

I’m surprised your dh was upset that contact has slowed down. His son is 22! An adult. I wouldn’t expect my SD to be having every other weekend access at 22

More of a pop in when she can make time.

[RatherBeRiding]

Does your DH spend any time with the younger son? If so, could he ask in a fairly breezy unconcerned way, if the DSS22 is OK?

If he IS OK then just put it down to moodiness and let him get on with it, but I think your DH is right to keep the door open and let the guy know that he is still there, as it were.

[ADarkandStormyKnight]

Blimey.

If a child of mine cut contact I would be worried, not angry.

He might be going through a selfish patch and not realise he's causing concern.

He might be deliberately cutting contact because he's upset about something your husband has done or not done.

He might be unwell or in a fix and feels unable to respond.

I would suggest to your husband that he tries a different approach.

Ask his son directly to meet up (something specific might work better than a general invitation e.g. to do x on x day), ask the boy's mum if everything is ok, tell him he loves him.

Also - and I hate to say this - but the wording of your post suggest you are not very fond of your stepson. I think you need to look at that.

[OnTheporch]

DH isn't on instagram but I am and can see numerous photos DSS has uploaded of days out with his mum. He still lives with her as only works voluntary but he always seems happy so it's not like he's laid up Ill somewhere. He's asked the mum, she just says "he's tired/ill/busy" but she encourages him to be like this.

It's not that I don't like him, I just find his constant moods and attention seeking tiring. At 22 I would have expected that to have stopped now (or at least got better). I just feel for DH as he bends over backwards for him and gets this in return.

[sockunicorn]

I completely see your point and, as youve had years of his behaviour maybe youre just weary by now. But as a parent I dont think I would ever leave my child to "crack on". I would be extremely worried that the child was depressed/into something he shouldnt be and would be turning up at his mums house to find out what the hell it was. And as his DW im afraid you married them both so should be encouraging him to find out. Once you KNOW hes ok and alive and its just a choice hes made, then I would be encouraging DH to crack on and leave him to it

[ADarkandStormyKnight]

If he's 22 and not working or studying he is unlikely to be happy and fulfilled.

Could your husband talk to his mother to try to work together on this?

[DoJo]

Yes I agree but sending endless messages isn't going to help that, it's just giving DSS the attention he craves.

If my child was craving attention, I would give it to them - why is that such a bad thing?

[Loonoon]

He sounds like a good dad. He's keeping the lines of communication open without escalating a drama or being controlling. He is being the adult here which is exactly as a parent/child relationship should be.