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Are WBU? Financial gifts to nieces / nephews

(101 Posts)
PlumsInTheIcebox Tue 22-May-18 12:00:21

NC for this as some of the details are pretty specific.

DH and I came into some money about five years ago. We took the decision to give some money to our nieces and nephews, and created trusts for BIL’s three daughters and for my sister’s son. The children will be able to access the funds when they are 18. At the time, both families were complete but we have always intended that if either sibling were to have another child, we would do the same for them.

About 12 months later, BIL’s wife left him for the OM after an affair. They have, to their credit, both behaved pretty decently about the divorce and subsequent implications and everything is pretty amicable. They share custody and we still see BIL’s exW a few times a year at family events, usually her children’s birthday celebrations.

BIL’s exW is now expecting a child with her new DP, who will of course be a half sibling to our nieces. At the most recent family event she came over to sit with DH and me and after some small talk asked us about our plans to create a trust for her unborn child. We were both a bit stunned but DH managed to gather himself to explain that it wasn’t our intention to create a trust for her child with her new partner. She accused us of using her unborn child to punish her for cheating on and leaving BIL and stormed off.

DH is absolutely adamant that his loyalty is to his brother, not to his exW and any further children that she may have, and I am inclined to agree with him. Are we BU not to match our previous gifts for this or any other children that she may have?

OfaFrenchmind2 Tue 22-May-18 12:03:15

Nah, this grabby lady should get nothing for her new baby. She is really cheeky!

Sparklingbrook Tue 22-May-18 12:03:20

YANBU. How cheeky of her to even ask.

Enb76 Tue 22-May-18 12:03:35

No - you are not being unreasonable - the new child has no blood-tie to your family.

flowery Tue 22-May-18 12:03:46

YANBU. You have done this for nieces and nephews, which this child is not. This child will have different aunts and uncles who may or may not choose to do similar.

user1457017537 Tue 22-May-18 12:04:16

You and your husband are not being unreasonable and it is perfectly understandable that the new baby is not included in the trust fund. She is being unbelievably cheeky and entitled. Your money your decision

RitaSpanner Tue 22-May-18 12:04:32

WTF?! Of course YANBU! She's a CF.

DramaAlpaca Tue 22-May-18 12:06:22

How cheeky of her. YANBU at all.

BlueJava Tue 22-May-18 12:06:44

I don't want to doubt you OP but that's so unbelievably cheeky it's shocking. If you remain close friends with her after the split and you want to offer fair enough. But to ask you to do something is beyond belief. I think she is being completely unreasonable, I'd avoid her and I certainly wouldn't do anything about starting a fund for the child.

Aprilmightbemynewname Tue 22-May-18 12:08:01

You should have reminded her April Fool's was last month!!

PlumsInTheIcebox Tue 22-May-18 12:08:43

Phew! Unanimous so far! I have been really doubting myself over this - it doesn't seem fair on the new baby not to have the same as his half-sisters but I really don't think it's our responsibility to resolve this.

kaytee87 Tue 22-May-18 12:08:50

Wow how cheeky!
The thing is, if she hadn't done this then you may have bought a lovely new baby gift or something as you've remained friendly. Now she's ruined the relationship by being a CF.

Sparklingbrook Tue 22-May-18 12:09:13

How horrible you have to even see her at family events too.

Talcott2007 Tue 22-May-18 12:10:40

So Ex-SIL expects you to create a trust fund for a child that is not going to be related to you? YANBU! She's a CF for sure! What's next? Does she expect you/BIL to provide childcare for the new one when you have your DN's over!!

PlumsInTheIcebox Tue 22-May-18 12:10:43

It is very out of character for her based on everything I've ever known about her up until now, which was another reason why I was second-guessing myself as she is not a known CF. We haven't told BIL yet...

kaytee87 Tue 22-May-18 12:13:09

I'm not sure id mention it to BIL. It will just cause aggro and if they're happily co parenting just now then I wouldn't rock the boat for the sake of the children.

LunaTrap Tue 22-May-18 12:13:10

If it is very out of character do you think it might be coming from her new DP? Cheeky as fuck of course!

Fabricwitch Tue 22-May-18 12:13:38

It sounds like she was just chancing her luck, catching you off-gaurd so you might say yes in the shock and confusion.

happytobemrsg Tue 22-May-18 12:14:21

You are 100% not being unreasonable. What a cheeky to even ask you

ThroughThickAndThin01 Tue 22-May-18 12:15:33

She has a cheek. Don’t give in.

Glumglowworm Tue 22-May-18 12:15:53


You’re generous to have put money aside for your and DH’s siblings children. The sibling’s ex-wife’s child with her new partner is nothing to do with you (as harsh as that sounds).

Rivera36 Tue 22-May-18 12:16:35

That is actually quite outrageous she would even think to ask.

GrannyGrissle Tue 22-May-18 12:16:38

Fuck that! What a brass necked dyed in the wool Cheeky Fucker she is.

NorthEndGal Tue 22-May-18 12:16:55

That's a whole other level of entitled behaviour!
She left the family , she makes her own way now.

ComtesseDeSpair Tue 22-May-18 12:17:17

Of course you aren't responsible for matching the gift. Whilst part of the same family, this new child is not your neice or nephew. However, I don't think she's necessarily "cheeky", though: you haven't specified what sort of amount of money you gave to each child but if we're talking the sort of sum that will be a mortgage deposit and which ex-W cannot hope to match then there will inevitably be a difficult situation that the new sibling will be at a distinct disadvantage to the siblings they'll have grown up in the same house and resident family with. I can see why that would play on her mind, and make her worry about it impacting on her adult children's relationships with each other - even if she is being entirely unreasonable in expecting your money. There are plenty of threads on here about e.g. Grandparents who treat their biological GC differently to their step-GC in terms of money and gifts and the overwhelming response is always that the GC should treat all the children the same or be threatened with no-contact, even though they may feel that the non-biological children are nothing to do with them.

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