I have always had a very difficult relationship with my mother. My parents got divorced when I was 10, I lived with my mother and my abusive father moved out. He used to hit me, and hit my mother. I hate him, and til this day I still do. He was never there for us, and chose drink and drugs over his own children. So when I moved out at 18, I had no contact with him. I’m 28 now, and haven’t seen or spoken to him since I was 28.
My mother on the other hand, she did her best to make sure we had food and roof over our heads. But she never showed us affection, never said “I love you”, never hugged us, never kissed us. She also used to hit us, and hit me a lot, I was the eldest. And if the house was clean enough she would hit me hard, she didn’t expect much from my younger siblings even though there’s only 3/4 years between us, she expected a lot from me. She would wake me up to help her make the packed lunches(I hated her for this, because why the fuck did you decide to have 6 children if you can’t look after them yourself and have to have your eldest help you, I think I’m seething with resentment, because I never got to play like my younger siblings, I always had to help her) she never let me go out with my friends, I always had to stay home at the weekends. I hated it at home, there was 5 other children, so much screaming and shouting. I think that’s why I moved out, to get away from it all.
So I moved out at 18, and when my mother came to see me when I was 23, she hugged me for the first time I couldn’t believe it. My DP was watching us, so I don’t know whether she did it because of him, but it made me happy. Imagine going 23 years without so much of a hug or a kiss from the person who brought you into this world.
I have friends who have amazing relationships with their parents, they go out for lunch or shopping, doing lots of things together. There’s always an “I love you” at the end of their phone call, I feel jealous, upset and angry.
So fast forward to now, I have three children and I always give them lots of cuddles and kisses, always tell them I love them, always make time for them and listen to them. I’m determined to be the best mother I can be for my children, and give them everything I can.
To be honest, if my mother died tomorrow it probably wouldn’t affect me as much, I’d be relieved because then I wouldn’t feel obliged to call her. She always complains about how I don’t call her enough, maybe I would call more often if I felt like I could speak to her about things, but I can’t. She never listens, I have a lot of resentment towards my parents especially my mother, I know that I probably need therapy, but would like to her from people who’ve had similar childhoods.
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Having no relationship with my mother
26 replies
Fullofresentment · 22/05/2018 07:58
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