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AIBU?

To try to access dd’s phone messages?

183 replies

CosyLulu · 22/05/2018 06:25

Dd is 15.5, currently very depressed and off school (3 months) with severe social anxiety. At a social anxiety group, organised by her CAMHS team she got friendly with a boy who is 18 and hasn’t been in school for nearly 2 years.

As they are both at home all day they literally message non-stop. They don’t stop for mealtimes, movies, family gatherings etc. They message until 3am or later some nights. I have talked to dd about this so many times and all that happens is her getting incredibly upset.

Early on, he announced to her that he was in love with her but she made it clear to him that she didn’t feel the same way and I don’t think she does fancy him - dd is 5,9 and he is 5,3 and v small for his age. This doesn’t appeal to her she says it makes her feel awkward.

However they are v touchy-feely together, makes dh and I v uncomfortable and he has tried to talk to the boy about it. It’s hard to talk to either of them as they are both so depressed and anxious. Dh and I have vowed never to leave them home alone together nor to allow them to use dd’s room together.

I’ve never read dd’s diary or seen her phone messages but a couple of weeks ago I saw her diary - she’d brought it in to the lounge to show me a picture she’d drawn. As I’m generally extremely worried about her, I read it. There was a lot of v troubling stuff about her depression but also that this boy had asked her to give him a “hand job” and she didn’t “know how to do it.” I came clean and told her I’d read it and that it was not right for him to ask her to do it, especially as they are supposedly just friends. She made some v weird excuses about friends helping each other out Confused

Anyway lately the boy is trying to persuade dd to go to hs house where they have to be alone in his room as he says the downstairs is messy and chaotic (big family) and they have 2 cats - dd highly allergic to cats.

I have said no. I feel that dd is too naive and too vulnerable at the moment to find herself in a situation with him that she can’t control. He is very clever and she, well, she’s a space cadet really - she listens to him too because he is older. It is causing a lot of stress that I’ve said no and he is messaging her about it a lot. I have said I will talk to them both in person when he comes over on Wednesday. She is dreading it and begging me not to mention the “hand job” part.

I would really like to read her messages from him. I’m so stressed and worried about her that I don’t know if I’m over-reading into this and should give her more freedom. But if he’s manipulating her in some way then I feel I need to know.

Actually I have no idea how to read messages - her phone is locked and she uses so many different apps I wouldn’t know where to start.

I’m sorry this is such an essay but what would you do?

OP posts:
JustbackfromBangkok · 22/05/2018 06:28

Surely the CAMHS group staff should be dealing with this as it is a safeguarding issue?

blueflorals · 22/05/2018 06:39

Excuse me, no

The OP should be dealing with it

She is the parent

Phone needs to be handed in overnight for starters

adaline · 22/05/2018 06:42

The entire friendship sounds hugely inappropriate to me and I would be doing everything possible not to encourage it.

He's an adult and your DD for legal purposes is still a child. It may only be a three year age gap but given they both have mental health issues it's not a normal relationship. Your DD sounds extremely vulnerable and I think this chap could massively take advantage and hurt her. And his having mental health issues himself doesn't mean he isn't in a position of power/control due to his age.

I would not be happy with the friendship continuing but I'm not sure how you police that with a 15yo! Is she off school on her own all day? I would at the very least be restricting her mobile phone use - that much time messaging one person is not a good thing and she needs to focus on good sleep habits and hobbies or activities that don't involve him.

Why does she have such unlimited mobile usage?

NewYearNewMe18 · 22/05/2018 06:45

The age disparity makes this a safeguarding issue. CAMHs need to be aware the 18yo man is predatory and asking an underage girl for sexual favours. Fair enough they are both vulnerable, but that doesn't stop him being a predator.

Peterrabbitscarrots · 22/05/2018 06:45

I would be trying to read them. If it’s an iPhone, is the Apple ID in your name - think you normally need a credit card for this? I’d start here. I think she should be handing her phone in at night too.

Pengggwn · 22/05/2018 06:46

The lack of boundaries with regards to phone usage is a problem. She shouldn't be able to message him overnight and at the table etc.

She is too young to be seeing an 18 year old even without her MH issues. However, I don't think you can use those issues to limit her contact with people - it has to be what is age-appropriate.

If he is asking her for hand jobs, they're seeing each other.

Pengggwn · 22/05/2018 06:48

Fair enough they are both vulnerable, but that doesn't stop him being a predator.

That really is going a bit far, isn't it? He is 18, not 25. It's not exactly an aberration for an 18 year old boy to be attracted to an 15 year old girl. Yes, there is a legal distinction there (she is underage) but it doesn't make him a "predator" - grip?

NewYearNewMe18 · 22/05/2018 06:51

If hes asking for sexual favours he's a predator whether hes 14, 18 or 25.

Have your grip back love, looks like you might need to hang onto it.

Pengggwn · 22/05/2018 06:54

NewYearNewMe18

I have never heard such rubbish in my life. "Sexual favours" - do people still say that?

SweetCheeks1980 · 22/05/2018 06:55

Yes I agree, just take her phone off her and stand your ground when she strops/kicks off/says her MH issues will get worse etc.

  1. She's underage
  2. She's also encouraging a lad she doesn't fancy
  3. She should be in school
  4. If she's anxious/depressed at her age what's sge going to be like when she actually does have problems
  5. Hanging around with other anxious/depressed people can't be very helpful in moving on
crazydoglady6867 · 22/05/2018 06:55

You can’t access her messages, they are private. I appreciate you are worried about her, you need to talk to her and say how you are worried about her and need to trust her to do what she feels is right. At 15 and a half you are not going to stop her engaging in sexual acts if that is what she wants but you need to give her your support that whatever she decides to do with this boy, she protects herself from harm and pregnancy and disease. You sound like good solid parents she will do the right thing if you trust her. She is vunerable and probably feels that he is her soulmate, it is understandable that she wants to spend time with him. Does she have any friends who are not depressed as when my son was under CHAM’s they told us about radiators and drains and a depressed person should surround themselves with radiators not drains and a fellow depressive is most certainly a drain. I would encourage her to spend more time with some other friends and less with him. This is hard I know, but he won’t help her get better. Your daughter needs support from you but unfortunately at nearly 16 you can’t tell her what she should be doing, she won’t appreciate that at all. (As I am sure you know)

isthismylifenow · 22/05/2018 06:57

OP, having recently dealt with something similar (the other person was older but still the issue is not dissimilar) I urge you to intervene however you can. I know folk will come along and she but she is nearly 16, nearly an adult etc. But, she isn't an adult and currently isn't thinking rationally, being manipulated is a difficult thing to overcome.

If the messages are on whatsapp, there is an option there to email the chats, you just need to put in your email address and it will send the thread, as long has it hasn't been deleted. If it has been deleted, then you can uninstall and backup chats for them to be retrieved.

I cant go into more detail about our situation here, but you are welcome to pm me if I can help you in any way.

This is not a CAHMS issue to sort out. Maybe they need to be aware but this needs to be out in the open at home. There is a line between safety and privacy.

Maelstrop · 22/05/2018 07:02

I think I would be speaking to this 18 year old boy and telling him you know everything. How dare he pressure your dd to do things? He needs to be made aware that if he pressures her into sex, it will be statutory rape. I would absolutely sit him down and tell him you know everything and that he is no longer welcome at your house. Don’t care if he’s depressed, he’s being a fucking shithead and trying to get his end away with your 15 yr old.

Darknessinthevalley · 22/05/2018 07:03

I was in a similar position at her age, but bunked off school and didn't have support groups or anything. Also, sweetcheeks she's entitled to mental health issues. It doesn't mean she doesn't have real problems.
I ended up being manipulated by a guy that I only saw as a friend. We didn't ever have sex, but we did other stuff, and he told me it was the only way for him to feel something. Looking back, it was gross. I don't know what you can do, apart from maybe phone restrictions at night and make sure she can talk to you. I wouldn't address her and the boy together unless you just make it clear that she won't be going to his. I wouldn't go further than that.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/05/2018 07:04

Priority here is getting your DD in an even keel so she makes good choices

I would say part of this (this is just my opinion mind ) is keeping trust open

Even if you read the messages I thivk you have a fairly good inking of what’s going down here . So I think the benefit is offset by the disadvantage of losing her trust .

Can you take her for a long phone free drive the 2 Of you and talk ?

You love her
You want her to get better
Ask how treatment is
Explore
Other options (1:1 therapy , maybe light
Medication)
Explain that some boys can abuse trust and query isnhe really kind ? Does he have her best interest and hand

Share that you are concerned and ask her is she can tone it down / and see what her reaction will be

She is old enough that some
Of this will filter in. Then leave it for a week

I would come consnider mentioning to the leader but again try to do with her knowledge

I think someone’s talking direct to the child can work but you know your DD best Flowers

CosyLulu · 22/05/2018 07:07

I didn't expect so many messages so quickly!

To clarify: CAMHS no longer have any contact with this boy since he turned 18 and so, although I have complained to them that they should have had safeguarding in place in case of this eventuality, they say the responsibility for what happens next is firmly with me.

For everyone saying I should restrict phone use or take the phone away ... I can see how this seems and for most of dd's younger life she never had her phone in her room. But right now she is dangerously depressed - she doesn't 'kick off' if I suggest taking it away, she just gets more depressed. She would probably spend the night awake crying, which she does a lot anyway. I can't confiscate her phone right now, there can't be any tough love, she's almost on suicide watch by us and by professionals. She's taking medication, has a psychiatrist and a clinical psychologist and she's almost been sectioned twice. She probably won't go back to school but we are trying to get her a place in a pupil referral unit for vulnerable young people with mental health issues to try to get a few GCSEs.

crazydoglady thank you for this message - I like the 'radiators' and 'drains' picture. This boy is definitely a drain but at the moment it is all dd has. She has no other friends around and with no school, there is nothing to get up for. So he has pretty much dominance of her whole time.

OP posts:
CosyLulu · 22/05/2018 07:11

stopfuckingshoutingatme thank you too. We do talk and I have told her all of my concerns but it's like he's inside her head all the time. She worries about him being suicidal, feels it will be her fault and she has to make him happy - it's like a mission.

I can't compete with how much communication they have as I work full time. btw dh is retired and at home so she's never home alone.

I will try to take her out more though, do some things together, get in the way of what's happening. And I am concerned too about losing her trust if I were to read her messages.

OP posts:
CosyLulu · 22/05/2018 07:12

Darknessinthevalley that sounds horribly similar to what's happening to dd. She isn't bunking off though, she was declared medically unfit by the school due to weight loss, panic attacks etc. She's in a very bad place right now.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 22/05/2018 07:14

In that case, OP, I would only step in if there was sexual pressure in that relationship. It sounds like you have very few options. Flowers

adaline · 22/05/2018 07:17

I'm sorry OP but the fact that she gets more depressed if she can't contact this chap even overnight rings massive alarm bells for me. I would be concerned that he's put her into a situation where if she doesn't reply, he's angry with her or something.

You need to be the parent. She may have depression but that doesn't mean she can stay up texting until 3am or text at the dinner table. It doesn't preclude her from having basic manners, and with depression the last thing you want is to encourage her to have poor sleep patterns.

My dad used to bang on at me about the importance of sleep, lack of screens and their connection to my mental health - I remember getting upset when I wasn't allowed a TV or computer in my room as a teenager, or being banned from texting at the table or when we were out, but it was for my benefit at the end of the day.

You are the adult here not your DD. You're letting her have power over you because of her mental health issues but it's not going to help in the long run if you allow her to have unlimited 24/7, unmonitored access to this boy.

CosyLulu · 22/05/2018 07:18

That’s what I want to know really, if there is sexual pressure. Dd says no but after what I read in her diary I’m unsure.

OP posts:
adaline · 22/05/2018 07:19

I am sorry for this situation though it sounds really tough Thanks

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blueflorals · 22/05/2018 07:21

Can you not see that staying awake at all hours and accessing who knows what on the internet will make her depression worse?

Oh and sweetcheeks, fuck off.

Darknessinthevalley · 22/05/2018 07:22

cosylulu I really feel for your DD. I can't really post the full story as it's very outing but feel free to pm me :)

CosyLulu · 22/05/2018 07:23

adaline I really get what you are saying but we are so beyond power struggles and into survival mode. It’s v hard to explain because 12 months ago I would have said just what you say if I read my message. But right now it won’t work.

OP posts:
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