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Report this man to the police even though I'm partly responsible

(169 Posts)
WhiteLilys Mon 21-May-18 12:46:36

Ok so I know I'm going to be flamed for the part I played in this situation but hear me out first and try to understand my reasoning (I'm a young lone mum with bad anxiety) but admittedly I am absolutely crap at dealing with these sorts of situations and feel out of my depth. The relationship before my last one was extremely abusive and has left me with fractured self-esteem when it comes to being assertive with men I am still quite nervous around them in general.

About 3 weeks ago as I was walking home somebody tried to talk to me as I was passing their flat. I didn't know them and it was a stereotypical youngish cat callar, they asked for my number to which I replied "no sorry got to dash"

Now them flats are on the very end of my road however my road is a main one and continues for around 2ish miles. As I reached my own place about 10 minutes later I noticed he had followed me down on a bicycle, by this point my pram was in my doorway and there was no hiding the fact I live there. I was spooked, again he asked for my number but I had a really bad vibe this time and he was coming across as pushy and a bit intimidating.

I had my young baby with me and just wanted him away from my flat so reluctantly I gave him my number so he would leave. When he later made contact that evening I rejected the call and I sent a text back saying I did not have given my number as I wasn't interested and felt a little bit intimidated being approached for a second time on my own property and didn't feel comfortable enough to assert myself. He replied with a simple ok and then I blocked his number.

Now on my phone you can tell when blocked numbers have tried to contact you as an alert comes up in the call log. Has been repeatedly calling me the whole time although he's calls are automatically rejected. Last week I received a call from a number I didn't recognise and it was him. He asked who he was talking to to which I replied my name and then it became clear who he was. Before I could hang up he said he had been riding past my flat every day and he had seen my ex-partner leaving my flat with our child and that it had in his words pissed him off. I told my son's father all about what had happened and he said I should call the police because it's strange. I didn't do that because I know I would be ridiculed for giving my number in the first place.

I told him he didn't know me and I found his comments to be unnerving so asked him not to contact me anymore and delete my number. Then hung up the phone and added this new number to my block list.

Fast forward to this morning I am speaking to my ex partner in my porch as he brought our son home from taking him out, this guy rides right up to my house before turning and going down a side street on his bike. He then comes back and as he does he's staring at us and deliberately jingles his heavy bike chain as if to be in a threatening manner. XP said enough is enough if you don't call the police I will as he is not happy for this to be going on with our young son in the house.

I'm feeling very nervous as I'm in here alone the majority of the time. Exp lives half an hour away but works a shift pattern that means unless it is his day off he is asleep for most of the day. Am I even entitled to go to the police about this given how I willingly handed over my number the second time? I feel absolutely ridiculous for having given him it but I was so on edge and just wanted him gone. I feel that whatever I would have done at that point the man would have been a nuisance regardless that's what sort of person follow somebody up the road after they decline to give their number. Had he not came onto my property and therefore known where I lived I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. I felt intimidated as per my anxiety which is sky high at the minute regardless.

I definitely need to make sure I stick to my guns in future regardless and I don't blame you for thinking I'm an idiot but please can somebody advise me whether this is something I can actually go to the police about?

WhiteLilys Mon 21-May-18 12:48:13

Should not have given my number that was supposed to say, excuse any typos I wrote this in a rush

Somerville Mon 21-May-18 12:48:53

Of course you can go to the Police about it. Giving someone your number doesn't mean giving them a free pass to harass and stalk you.

MarthaArthur Mon 21-May-18 12:50:29

Of course you are not in the wrong at all! You were intimidated into giving your number now you are being stalked and harrassed. You need the police to be informed of this op. So sorry you are experiencing this.

Foxssocks Mon 21-May-18 12:51:23

Contact the police.
It's harassment and you have asked him not to contact you.
Stop blaming yourself and phone the police.

Furano Mon 21-May-18 12:52:48

Stop blaming yourself and phone the police.


You did not invite this. You did not deserve this.

Florene Mon 21-May-18 12:53:08

Yes you can. You have told him to stop and he hasn't. It is harassment, though I would be inclined to try to deal with it as stalking initially, due to him hanging around your flat.

And next time just make a number up! Though I would say that in this case, given he had seen you at your house, it wouldn't have stopped him from turning up at your door when he couldn't get hold of you, possibly angry at being duped.

Masonbee Mon 21-May-18 12:53:25

Report him to the police.

This is not your fault and you did not invite this.

The first call he gave you after giving out your number could be considered fair enough but once you explained you didn't want to hear from him, he was wrong to contact you again, let alone repeatedly, from different numbers and watching your house. It's completely unacceptable behaviour and you shouldn't feel you have to put up with it.

byanyothernamerose Mon 21-May-18 12:53:52

Please call the police OP..

CheshireChat Mon 21-May-18 12:54:31

It's absolutely not your fault. Look at it like this, even if you had given him your number because you fancied him, it still doesn't excuse this sort of behaviour.

Good luck!

theycallmebabydriver Mon 21-May-18 12:55:30

You are not in anyway responsible for his actions, partly or otherwise and the police won't think so either. Contact the police asap.

Jammycustard Mon 21-May-18 12:56:27

Tell the police now. It’s not your fault.

Poptart4 Mon 21-May-18 12:56:57

Absolutely report him to the police. You can bet your not the first women he's harassed. This is not normal behaviour op.

WhiteLilys Mon 21-May-18 12:57:01

Thank you. I was worried people would say I have brought this on myself. I'm quite scared if I'm honest as the way he has behaved is indicative of somebody who is not quite right. I could not have given him a false number because he said here ring my number so I have yours so I couldn't have gotten around it any other way.

jaseyraex Mon 21-May-18 12:57:13

Definitely report him. Giving someone your number doesn't give them a free pass to harass you, whether you fancy them or not. You are absolutely not at fault here OP! I hope you're okay. The way he's acting sounds quite scary.

Florene Mon 21-May-18 12:57:22

*For clarity, the making up of a number is not to be used in seriously intimidating situations as above where the other party knows how to reach you. But more for if you are stuck on a railway platform at 1am when the trains have been delayed due to snow, and a well-meaning but very thickskinned stranger has been ignoring the signs of disinterest you have shown, and persists with trying to get to know you better.

Though in these situations, 'no' is also appropriate smile

MagicMojito Mon 21-May-18 12:58:43

Even if you willingly gave your number (thinking he's a nice guy) he STILL wouldn't have a right to keep pestering/harassing you.
Your self esteem seems shot to pieces flowers

Yes definitely go to the police. In our area they are actually really really good and will put extra patrol pcso's on your street just for reassurance (although I'm aware we are lucky and it varies in other areas)

This is not your fault. His behaviour is his own responsibility.

ErrmWTAF Mon 21-May-18 12:59:01


Yes, if you could travel back in time, you wouldn't have caved and given him your number, but that does not make you at fault.

Call the police TODAY!!! Better yet, go down there in person. File a report, do NOT be fobbed off (some police are better than others) and repeat if necessary. (Hope just the one time will do it).

Shutityoutart Mon 21-May-18 12:59:29

Go to the police, he’s intimidating you. Men like this make me so angry. How dare he think this is acceptable behaviour? The police will hopefully read him the riot act. Good luck.

WhiteLilys Mon 21-May-18 12:59:40

I forgot to mention that in the first text I sent him after he called for the first time I did say I was getting back together with my child's father. now this isn't true and I am not but I thought that perhaps if he thought somebody else was on the scene he wouldn't contact me again. It worries me that despite this he has persisted and he obviously isn't intimidated by another man being present

AskMeHow Mon 21-May-18 12:59:44

The police won't blame you, you were intimidated. Just phone them, please.

ColdFeetAndHotCakes Mon 21-May-18 13:01:55

Failing too see how you're responsible for being harassed. He put you in a situation where not handing over your number could have put you and your child in danger. Please ring the police, make sure you keep some screenshots of your call log and any text messages he has sent you (send them to your email or something in case anything happens to your phone) and then your proof is safe should you need it.

CoraPirbright Mon 21-May-18 13:02:34

Good grief this is ABSOLUTELY not your fault!! I am as tough as old boots and to be followed and harassed like that would have made me extremely uncomfortable. I probably would have done what you did (and now be kicking myself as you are!). But I do agree with what you say - whatever you had done, even if you had told him to bog off or given him a fake number, he would still be a nasty, stalking creep. Please please call the police. And do you have any large male friends or family who could occasionally pop round? Poor you - how horrible and unnerving flowers

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune Mon 21-May-18 13:04:01

Yes police OP.

I bet he's banking on younot reporting him as you feel uncomfortable.

Unfortunately these types seem able to sniff out vulnerability and anxiety like a blood hound.

But you did not do anything wrong. Even if you fancied him and gave out your number hanging around your house alone would've been unacceptable.

He does sound quite unstable though becoming obsessed with one person so quickly. Write everything down he has said and done and make the police aware, showing any texts/call logs you still have.

Poor you OP.

WhiteLilys Mon 21-May-18 13:04:37

I'm friendly with one of my neighbours who happens to be a big guy and quite intimidating to look at although he is a big softie really, I wouldn't know that to look at him though and I'm confident that if I have a quiet word he would be happy to step in and Ward him off if he comes around again. Thank you all for being so kind I'm a nervous wreck at the minute and really needed to vent this somewhere

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