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Warned away from someone with a bad reputation..

(94 Posts)
Cosyhusky Mon 21-May-18 12:02:06

I've known of this person for many, many years but hadn't spoken to them personally. Got talking a few months ago and get on very well. A lot in common, on the same level etc. He is a single dad to 3 kids. Seems to be a great dad. Makes me laugh, I'm attracted to him, blah blah.

Problem is, he has a very 'big reputation' where we live. I cringe even writing is as it sounds like I'm making him out to be some gangster. He's 10 yrs older than me. So even though we are from the same town, growing up we weren't in the same group of friends.

He suffers from a few different mental disorders. Had a very messed up childhood and from what I'm told has a colourful past involving drugs, selling and taking, violence, etc. No prison or anything.

I'm torn. The side I'm getting to know isn't what I've been told. Obviously I'm aware people can pretend to be what they want. I am cautions and aware. I don't know if I believe that people 'change' but I do think people should be given a chance..

Would you give someone like this a chance? Or run for the hills?

astoundedgoat Mon 21-May-18 12:04:12

Run for the hills. There is simply nothing to be "torn" about. You don't actually have to have a relationship with everybody who seems nice & fanciable. If they're literally the definition of "red flag" you just don't get involved.

HollowTalk Mon 21-May-18 12:04:30

Oh for heaven's sake, OP! You know you need to run for the hills! Don't be drawn in when you've had full warnings. His past involves drug dealing, drug taking and violence? That's not a colourful past! That's a terrible past.

Of course a lot of men like this can be charming. How else would they get laid and have a following of loyal men? You are walking straight into a nightmare situation with your eyes wide open.

astoundedgoat Mon 21-May-18 12:05:47

If somebody is generally known to be a violent drug dealer, the fact that he hasn't been to prison YET doesn't make it magically all right.

Aprilmightbemynewname Mon 21-May-18 12:07:04

Depends what you are hoping for ime. I had a 3 month fling with a similar man. Both knew it for what it was and both walked away smiling..
Me very smiley!! blush

rollingonariver Mon 21-May-18 12:07:17

It depends if that was when he was a child? My partner was very similar when I met him and now he's turned his life around completely and he's the most loving partner. I think if it continues into adulthood it may just be who they are.

Bombardier25966 Mon 21-May-18 12:07:42

People can change. What is his behaviour like now, to you and to others?

I've had relationships with "gangster" types and been treated with nothing but respect. I've had relationships with perfectly respectable types that have manipulated and treated me like crap.

Don't let others try to control what you do, but as with any new relationship, be aware of any unacceptable behaviour.

Roomba Mon 21-May-18 12:08:12

I've failed to heed far more minor warnings before and always lived to regret it.

Run. Far away. You know this or you wouldn't even be asking.

lindyhopy Mon 21-May-18 12:08:49

I would get out now.

CocoDeMoll Mon 21-May-18 12:08:56

I’d want to form my own opinion of him if I was you. Reputations can get overblown and people can change.

What’s he like with his kids?
What do you like most about him?

Mari50 Mon 21-May-18 12:09:18

That you have to even ask is depressing in itself....
I wouldn’t even have given someone like this the time of day to begin with.

OfaFrenchmind2 Mon 21-May-18 12:10:11

Yeah, no. Why court trouble? At the risk of being very insensitive, why get involved with somebody that has "a few different mental disorders" and an history of violence and drugs? This is a recipe for disaster, not easy to walk away from.

Cornettoninja Mon 21-May-18 12:10:35

I would err on the side of steering clear but I'm old with dc.

What does he say about his past? Is he open and honest? Do you detect pride or remorse?

I would agree that it sounds more like he's been very lucky to not see the inside of a prison rather than not being involved with anything that would justify a sentence.

Cosyhusky Mon 21-May-18 12:17:42

He’s very open and honest about the things he has done. He sounds remorseful against them all besides the one where he hurt the person who abused his children. Which I 100% understand.

From what I understand, he changed as soon as he got custody of his children which was 10 years ago. He’s brilliant with his kids. You can tell he worships them, which is what makes me think that maybe he has changed.

I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get out of it. So far it’s just been light hearted fun, which has been a breath of fresh air to me.

CocoDeMoll Mon 21-May-18 12:23:42

Parenthood can change people. It sounds like that here

I agree with the poster who said you can get treated like shit by a ‘good guy’ and like a goddess by a ‘bad boy’. Often their reputation doesn’t show how they are in a relationship.

Cornettoninja Mon 21-May-18 12:29:33

Well it doesn't sound overtly like you need to run screaming but I would (if I knew you irl) advise taking it very slowly and against giving the benefit of doubt if anything pings your radar. It's a nervy way to live but that's up to you.

I like to believe in reform and second chances but that's a tough ideal to live up to personally. It's also worth remembering that you will have a reputation by association. Rightly or wrongly that's what happens so you should be prepared for enemies in areas you didn't have before. Not necessarily dangerous but certainly uncomfortable. There's no way he hasn't affected people beyond his realisation even after a decade.

TerfsUp Mon 21-May-18 12:31:02


Whiterabbitears Mon 21-May-18 12:31:35

Do you have kids OP? I wouldn't want my kids around someone with a past like that, nice guy or not. The problem is people like this are nice at first, but if he has a few mental health disorders that's not going to change is it? What happens if he becomes unwell? Are the behaviours linked to that?

PolkaHots Mon 21-May-18 12:36:49

I would have a fling with someone like that, but definitely not see it going any further. But I am pretty good at not falling in love with every guy I sleep with!

YesItsMeIDontCare Mon 21-May-18 12:37:37

I married a "nice guy". Emotionally and financially abusive and treated me like shit. Now married to the "bad guy" and yes, treats me like I'm the best thing that ever happened to him (I am 😁). Thing is though, the "bad guy" was 25+ years ago.

How long ago was your chap the bad guy? 5 years or less I'd probably run.

SendintheArdwolves Mon 21-May-18 12:44:10

He’s very open and honest about the things he has done

How can you be sure of this? Yes, he may have talked about it a lot, but how can you be sure that his account is honest? You need to find ways to independently verify what he is telling you if at all possible.

He sounds remorseful against them all besides the one where he hurt the person who abused his children. Which I 100% understand

Ah. of course. The person he violently beat/attacked/revenged himself against had abused his children. I'm not saying this isn't true, but it does sound a bit....convenient, no? He is "admitting" to violence which most people would consider, if not justified, then at least understandable, and even (dare I say it) a little bit heroic? Be very careful, OP.

He’s brilliant with his kids

From what you've said, he sounds like he is the primary carer. Is this the case?

Be wary of deciding a man is a "brilliant father" on the strength of witnessing a few hours of interaction. The bar for "brilliant father" seems to be set depressingly low and I've seen otherwise reasonable women insist that someone is "amazing" at fatherhood just because they occasionally take their kids to the park and don't actively burn them with cigarettes.

fannyfelcher Mon 21-May-18 12:44:32

You know what the Judgement on this forum makes me sick.

In my younger years I was involved in drugs, lived with a dealer and was a total twunt of a person. I also had a shit childhood and a reputation as a violent loose cannon with a short fuse. I still have that reputation as far as the people I walked away from think. But I walked away from that lifestyle.

I am also bipolar and a survivor of abuse.

Twenty years on I am about to start a PhD, volunteer in underprivileged schools improving SPAG and creative techniques, am looking at foster caring now my kids are older and I am a god damn delight to be around. But yeah, listen to the chinese whispering gossip that goes back forever, that's a REALLY accurate way to gauge a persons worth innit.

BadTasteFlump Mon 21-May-18 12:45:40

Do you have DC? If so I would say put them first, even if the risk is tiny, and 100% keep away.

If you're single I would still keep away, actually, because I would still see too many red flags. But obviously you're only putting yourself at risk hmm

AlisonCHaynes Mon 21-May-18 12:46:52

Yeah, sounds like a keeper.

Mousefunky Mon 21-May-18 12:48:48

Run for the hills quick fire.

I dated a man a few years ago for nine years and I had absolutely no idea what he was like as a person before I met him, no one warned me. He was lovely at first, a real charming gentleman. It soon changed and he became violent, emotionally abusive and controlling and yes, he was also a criminal and drug addict (though he hid it from others well).

You have been warned and you need to listen to those warnings.

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