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to not want DPs mother to have anything to do with baby?

(29 Posts)
JammyLittleDodger Mon 21-May-18 10:32:45

16 weeks pregnant with our first. MIL has never shown any interest in me and previously made some very questionable racist remarks in front of me (I am mixed race) - 'she's mixed race, BUT she's very beautiful' type of ignorance. She doesn't get on with her son (DP) and he didn't have a particularly nice childhood. She's made nasty remarks about me to people in the past, and her mother (who I have never met) stated to DP that I would 'never live up to his ex'. We don't really see her, and I've never had a relationship with her.

Are we being unreasonable to make a decision to not want her involved in DCs life? Or to even meet DC? Not sure whether to put feelings to one side and give her a chance or to go with my gut and stay well away? Is it different when they become a grandparent? I'm not sure if we are obliged to let her have a relationship with her grandchild. New to all of this and feeling morally torn.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 21-May-18 10:34:18

Always trust your instincts. She sounds horrible and will bring nothing positive into your child's life.

Hillarious Mon 21-May-18 10:35:35

You say you don't really see her and you've not had a relationship with her. It might be that she's just not interested. Problem solved without having to make an issue of it.

Aprilmightbemynewname Mon 21-May-18 10:36:43

My mil has nc with my ds.
Life is bliss.
Def recommend it.
Even better if dp is on your side too!!

Metoodear Mon 21-May-18 10:41:01

Tbh I would go with dp on this

What are his feelings

Metoodear Mon 21-May-18 10:41:36

However we are pretty much NC with mother in law

Feel better for it

JammyLittleDodger Mon 21-May-18 10:48:54

@Metoodear he is in agreement with me in wanting no contact but is feeling guilty, even though neither of us have much of a relationship with her. I'm really close to my family so the idea of nc is a bit weird for me!

Helendee Mon 21-May-18 10:51:13

Unless the MIL really is awful it's incredibly sad how many children are missing out on a loving relationship with their own flesh and blood, their grandparents.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Mon 21-May-18 10:52:52

Are you the Duchess of Sussex?

PositivelyPERF Mon 21-May-18 10:55:56

Unless the MIL really is awful it's incredibly sad how many children are missing out on a loving relationship with their own flesh and blood, their grandparents.

The mother is a nasty, racist arse. How much worse should she be?

GalwayWayfarer Mon 21-May-18 10:56:12

Unless the MIL really is awful it's incredibly sad how many children are missing out on a loving relationship with their own flesh and blood, their grandparents.

The MIL clearly is awful tho!

I don't think you should feel bad about not involving her with your baby OP. You're mixed race and she's been racist about you - whose to say she won't be the same about your mixed race baby? I can totally understand why you would want to protect your child under these circumstances. It's not morally wrong to put your baby first flowers

NanFlanders Mon 21-May-18 10:59:41

Hmmmm. Depends on what 'not particularly nice' means. Unless it was actually abusive, I'd find it hard to cut off a grandparent from grandchild. Perhaps keep it to the minimal levels you have now?

hammeringinmyhead Mon 21-May-18 11:01:16

If you do let her in, you are likely to get racist comments one way or the other - depending on its appearance, she's likely to make similar excuses about him or her being mixed race "but" etc. I don't think that's great to expose the child to when it's older.

pigmcpigface Mon 21-May-18 11:03:44

I think I would be tempted to give her another chance. Yes, she's awful to you, and the way she has behaved is inexcusable. But this doesn't necessarily mean she won't be a doting grandmother. I would keep contact VERY bounded, though - with some clear and agreed rules between you and your DP. It's vital that you are a team on this. Do be prepared to reduce to nothing in the event of any further toxic behaviour.

Confusedbeetle Mon 21-May-18 11:07:10

I don't think decisions like this should be made lightly. In fact, they don't have to be made at all until there is a direct reason. Why don't you just play it by ear and see how much interest she shows through your pregnancy? If there is none then you have an answer. Otherwise just see how it goes, She may show an initial interest and then drift off. No need for drama or announcements, take it steady. I don't know what your dp feels about his mother but you would effectively be cutting that relationship. Things often improve when baby arrives so don't prejudge. I am alarmed at the trend to go NC on MN. This should be only in extremes. It is known that a child benefits from good relationships with adults apart from the parents. She hasnt been nice to you but this may improve

stickygotstuck Mon 21-May-18 11:07:53

It's hard PO. I'd go along with your DP's thoughts. Long term, his side of the family will never be able to pin any future regrets they many have on you.

Regarding MIL's racist remarks, you seem to think it's more ignorance than anything else. From that POV, having a relationship with your DC would be the best way possible to educate MIL. If you think it's worth it.

I also think it is a shame that DC will have no relationship with the grandparents. Sometimes the aggravation is just not worth it but sometimes it's worth keeping at least low contact. Your advantage is that your side of the family are close, so DC will have them at least.

Only you and DP can decide. Good luck!

Racecardriver Mon 21-May-18 11:08:38

If a sons doesn't want his c own mother to meet his baby then I would take that as a sign to stay well away.

sockunicorn Mon 21-May-18 11:08:41

My DM isnt the best mother. Cruel, cold, never there. I have no memories of days out when I was little (yet money was no issue). She simply didnt have time for us. She is very manipulating and enjoys playing me and my siblings off against each other and is extremely mean. For example told my DS, quietly in a room, that she looked fat on her wedding morning (she didnt, shes a size 8 and looked gorgeous).

Anyway I would say she is a good granny. They seem to get a lot more time and love than I ever did. HOWEVER now my DDs are older they come to me with the same complaints I remember having. She doesnt actually spend time with them when they are there (but demands they go over), she shouts at them instead of speaking, she lies a lot in general conversations, she is mean to one and then not the other. She told my eldest DD "you need to see your dr, that cell phone is giving you cancer". hmm. Considering my DM has had cancer twice and her mother died from it, I wouldnt think this is something you would throw at a tween girl!

So I would go with your gut and listen to your DH. Leopards dont change their spots.

spookytime Mon 21-May-18 11:21:24

I didn’t trust my instincts with my racist, bigoted, sexist and dishonest ILs. FIL told my 12 week old baby that DH was <insert nasty insult> because he didn’t like the sport FIL liked. He called me a liar and a bitch when I told him off.

MIL lied to others about my baby to others as a punishment because she didn’t like his name. I also found out later she had told people that I had said “no gifts” when he was born. I confronted her and she said it was because we “had more money than SIL and she had to struggle so it made it fair”.

I could go on, I won’t. They are cut off now. Best decision we made.

Do it and don’t look back OP. Make sure DH is on board.

JammyLittleDodger Mon 21-May-18 11:23:09

Thanks everyone.

In regards to her racism being more ignorance than anything else, I understand how this seems better than her just being outright racist - I don't see it this way however. If someone hates you simply for the colour of your skin, you can teach others that they are wrong and not to listen to them. The ignorance of using phrases such as 'she's mixed BUT pretty' (trust me there are many more where that came from) is ingrained in to someone and a little harder to explain to a child. I find it much more hurtful than some idiot who wants to call me the n word.

We don't see her at all now, she knows I'm 16 weeks pregnant and we haven't heard a peep out of her. I'm not sure why she's like this. I'm sad my child may not know his gran, but also want to protect them from being hurt. Don't think I don't feel guilty about it, however vile I think she is!

notacooldad Mon 21-May-18 11:30:35

Are you the Duchess of Sussex?
The Duchess of Sussex doesn't have a MIL does she?

letallthechildrenboogie Mon 21-May-18 11:32:56

My parents haven't seen our kids (12, 10, 7 and new twins). This is because my mum is a manipulative witch and any positive value that she could bring to their lives would be paid for many times over by all the walking on eggshells a relationship would bring. I have tried instead to foster relationships with my dad's sisters and close older friends to give the kids some inter-generational support. Enjoy your baby and trust your own feelings.

Squirrelinatree Mon 21-May-18 11:34:23

I'm in very similar situation. During pregnancy DH and I were not in agreement- I wanted to refuse to let her see baby and he thought if she asked we should say she could. Anyway, ended up being a non issue as baby is now 16 weeks and MIL has shown zero interest and not asked to see him or even really acknowledged his existence. Hope things go better for you, although life without her drama is quite nice

JammyLittleDodger Mon 21-May-18 12:00:18

Thanks everyone. Such a tricky situation. I just want her out of the picture. We live so close to each other. I worry about bumping in to her even now because I dislike her so much.

If you go no contact with someone - do you tell them this? Do you just phase them out? As I said I am extremely close with my family and can't stand the idea of never speaking to them again. Never had to go nc before...

spookytime Mon 21-May-18 12:26:29

Just phase them out. DH told his parents (because they kept ringing us and threatening to doorstep us) and they sent him abuse for nearly two years. The police were involved.

If she’s keeping away just don’t contact her.

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