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To think this is passive aggressive

(12 Posts)
Batmanwearspants Mon 21-May-18 02:53:18

In-laws are currently on holiday, PiL, Sil and sil’s dp. PIL booked a 3 bedroom villa and basically said to us they were going and the rest of us were welcome to join if we paid for our flights. DP initially said we would go however a few months ago changed his mind. Reasons for mind change were cost of flights were just not something we can afford and he sufferers quite badly Fromm anxiety especially when on planes and has hit a low point recently (he is getting help for this). I was a little upset about his decision but told him I’d support him regardless.

PIL were upset when told but said they understood. They did offer to pay for our flights but the anxiety was the main reason and DP said no.

About a month ago MIL sent dp a long text basically saying that she wished we were coming and feels the family holiday was ruined and she won’t be able to enjoy it because we weren’t there. DP didn’t tell me about this at the time. She then sent another text the day before they flew out saying essentially the same thing and that he had ‘spoilt’ what would have been a good holiday.

I don’t really know how to support dp with this. He is understandably upset. I understand why PiL would be annoyed that he initially said yes but changed his mind but I feel like once they accepted it they should have moved on. Aibu in thinking my MIL is being quite emotionally manipulative about this? Or is dp being unfair by not going?

agnurse Mon 21-May-18 02:57:11

DP doesn't owe anyone an explanation as to why he's not going. An invitation is not a summons.

Don't emote for him (i.e. go on about how unfair it is). I suggest he just changes the subject if she goes on about it. "Mum, I'm not going. Now, how about those football results? Do you think X team will be able to get themselves out of relegation at the last minute?"

Batmanwearspants Mon 21-May-18 03:01:29

They’re already out there. Mil sent the last text the night before the flight and so I don’t even think it was an attempt to change his mind just her sticking the boot in.

I’m trying my hardest to bite my tongue tbh. I’ve just let him rant about it but inside I’m annoyed that she’s said those things when she knows how much he’s been struggling the last 6 months.

Jenny70 Mon 21-May-18 03:20:08

I do think it's mean, she's a grown woman who decided to do the holiday before your DH said he'd come - so they have reverted to their original plan basically. I can understand she is disappointed, but it does feel very vindictive to text him about it.

He can either agree his Mum is being nasty and ignore her. Or he can tell her that this behaviour is hurtful.... I would probably do the latter because I hate brewing on things. Something like:

Mum, laying the blame for a disappointing holiday on me, when I am already struggling with my mental health, is not fair (especially as you've not even left the country yet). You decided to take this trip and my health has prevented us coming. I understand you are disappointed, but blaming me before the holiday is even started is unnecessary and cruel. I hope you can change your own mindset and enjoy this trip, as you originally planned.

spatchcock Mon 21-May-18 03:23:30

"she's a grown woman who decided to do the holiday before your DH said he'd come"

Yes, this. They were already going on holiday and anyone joining them was just a bonus. So "the family holiday is ruined" is not really accurate.

Do they know the full extent of your DH's anxiety?

Batmanwearspants Mon 21-May-18 03:28:04

Yes they’re aware of his anxiety. His mum is also a GP so she gets it. She’s usually helpful about his anxiety until it impacts on her.

She has form for this tbh. She told him he ruined Christmas because he didn’t call her Christmas Day morning as he was with my family.

NoMoreCricketDartsOrFootball Mon 21-May-18 04:05:52

An invitation is not a summons. <--- This

Your MIL sounds very controlling. It's no wonder your DP has anxiety.

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 21-May-18 04:29:31

She has form for this tbh. She told him he ruined Christmas because he didn’t call her Christmas Day morning as he was with my family.

It isn`t really surprising he suffers from anxiety, is it? SIBU.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Mon 21-May-18 04:55:20

She’s awful. Let him talk about how awful she is as much as he needs to. Acknowledge how he’s feeling. I’m not sure why you need to bite your tongue. I’m very outspoken with DP about MIL’s quirks. I don’t know about your relationship but it certainly makes me feel better when I know my DP understands why I’m upset.

If I were him I’d text back and tell her she’s being unfair and unpleasant, and that if she’s that dependent on him to have a good time even on holiday then maybe they should take a break from contacting each other until she can redraw the boundaries required for a healthy adult relationship.

Few things annoy me more than adult women who try to control their grown children with emotional blackmail.

slowlywiltingpetal Mon 21-May-18 06:35:21

Maybe DH is fed up of hearing your views about MM, it's a common theme between male friends unless DM readers. So they had a joke that they couldn't really care.

I think it's sad you even go through his phone & Whatsapp / pictures etc.

The problem appears a lot deeper than what DH thinks about MM.

slowlywiltingpetal Mon 21-May-18 06:36:00

Oops wrong thread, sorry. Hopefully can get removed.

slowlywiltingpetal Mon 21-May-18 06:36:58

BTW OP neither of you ABU.

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