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To have told my mum to die, since she seems so adamant she will?

(190 Posts)
WhyDoIBother59 Sun 20-May-18 21:25:04

I'm staying with my mum for a few weeks. She can be very stressy and a martyr.
My sister is also staying, for a different reason.
She has been insisting upon cleaning up after us (to the point of blocking the doorway if one of us is trying to take our own cup to the kitchen) we're both adults with our own households and respective children so perfectly competent at cleaning and such!
She's also spent the day saying she's killing herself, going to drop dead etc, while also screaming at us if we do anything she deems messy (sprinkling crumbs on the counter even if we immediately reach for the cloth to clean it). It's been stressful and I'm looking at alternative accom.
My sister cleaned the living room earlier, vacuumed etc, while my mums back was turned. Mum tried to wrestle the vacuum off dsis as soon as she heard it being used. Mum finished the vacuuming herself and then went back to the kitchen, my mum was having another stress meltdown in the kitchen (shouting about how she's run herself ragged to the point that she can't even do x and y properly) so I went into the kitchen and said right, I'll do the dishes and put them away you sit down and have a cuppa.
Cue hysterics.
I'm telling her what to do in her own house, how dare I, she just wants the dishes done right now (I intended to) and the parting shot of "I'm going to drop dead soon, you only get one mum"

So I said "fine then. Die if that makes you happy. I've been trying to help you but that clearly upsets you, too".

So now I'm a cunt who told her to go die.
I give up, honestly. I'm searching for alt accomodation but I'm in the area for work and she offered. I won't accept again in future.

Aibu, and how do I deal with her until I sort something else? Nearest affordable hotel looks to not be available until Wednesday.

10storeylovesong Sun 20-May-18 21:27:26

I’m attending my MIL funeral on Tuesday after she passed very suddenly, only 2 hours after I left her house. Luckily my last memories were happy ones. I’m guessing you wouldn’t be able to say the same. YABU.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops Sun 20-May-18 21:28:13

What's got her so wound up? And yanbu. If she's got a problem, you might have made her realise.

If it's any consolation, my grandma used to do the "I want to die" routine. Took her years.

BlackeyedSusan Sun 20-May-18 21:28:18

oh goodness.

I can see why you snapped.

WhyDoIBother59 Sun 20-May-18 21:31:33

I have no idea what's got her so wound u, I have tried to talk to her but just get more of the same.
10storey while I'm sorry for your loss I don't think that's an excuse sorry.
Anyone could drop dead tomorrow it doesn't give them an excuse to act like a dick. If I'm U Fair enough but I don't think "well they might die" is a valid reason to put up with shitty behaviour.

MargaretCavendish Sun 20-May-18 21:31:40

I’m attending my MIL funeral on Tuesday after she passed very suddenly, only 2 hours after I left her house. Luckily my last memories were happy ones. I’m guessing you wouldn’t be able to say the same. YABU.

I'm really sorry for your loss, but this is incredibly unfair. If your last memories are happy that's presumably because she wasn't being incredibly manipulative and difficult, as OP's mum is. This sounds very hard to live with, and while what OP said obviously wasn't ideal (as she clearly knows) making her feel guilty for being irritated by awful behaviour isn't fair or kind.

Tiredspice2 Sun 20-May-18 21:33:28

Don’t give yourself a hard time. It just slipped out, because actually she was being really annoying, hard work and martyr, and that’s exhausting!! My mum is quite a lot like this, and when she starts behaving like this I actually ignore her for my own sanity.

ConciseandNice Sun 20-May-18 21:33:52

YANBU. I would have responded in the same way if pushed to the brink like that. Emotional manipulation is the fountain of much misery. Let’s hope she doesn’t cark it though as you’ll only feel bad. Make up if you can and never stay there again!

DearMrDilkington Sun 20-May-18 21:34:42

Is she usually like this?

Cheby Sun 20-May-18 21:36:14

YANBU. You snapped after some pretty extreme provocation.

Is your DM well? She sounds incredibly anxious.

abbsisspartacus Sun 20-May-18 21:36:36

My response would have been could you die quietly please your giving me a headache

Seriously move move fast! Even a bedsit would be better than this drama

WhyDoIBother59 Sun 20-May-18 21:38:16

Not usually like this, but normally I only spend a few hours with her or just talk to her on the phone. I live quite fair away, see. She used to get like this sometimes when I was a kid, I found it quite upsetting and scary and would just go upstairs and cry for a bit.
God that sounds awful written down

WhyDoIBother59 Sun 20-May-18 21:38:50

I don't live here! Still have my own home!
Please remain calm, I'm just here for work! grin

abbsisspartacus Sun 20-May-18 21:40:06

grin is it worth it? wink

betterbemoreorganised Sun 20-May-18 21:40:12

YANBU it’s a no win situation for you, unfortunate that you snapped but totally understandable. Try and make the peace at least you’ll feel better,try and avoid staying again if possible
The stressy martyr is a common problem with mothers

FullOfJellyBeans Sun 20-May-18 21:41:11

Has she always been like this, does she suffer from massive anxiety or does she just love being a martyr? She does sound very frustrating flowers

WhyDoIBother59 Sun 20-May-18 21:43:37

I don't know if she's got anxiety, she's never been treated/to a doctor about it at least but I don't have a clue how I'd even wrestle her to a doctor about it. I think that's best left alone but she could certainly do with therapy at least, because it must be a pretty miserable existence being so annoyed all the time

staffiegirl Sun 20-May-18 21:45:02

Bloody hell, she sounds like hard work. I bet you're exhausted from all of the drama.

I don't think your response to her dramatic 'I'm going to drop dead soon' comment was unreasonable; it was in context IMO.

WhyDoIBother59 Sun 20-May-18 21:45:13

Not really, I might just tell the client I have had a sudden emergency and fuck off home sharpish! grin

Flisspaps Sun 20-May-18 21:49:04

My stepdad hung himself on Tuesday.

You have a fucking choice. Find somewhere else to stay. Check yourself into a shitty hotel if need be. She has no right to be an arsehole, but what you said was fucking beyond awful.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Sun 20-May-18 21:49:08

I would have lost my shit too

Go for a walk and deep breaths and walk

She seems to be very very anxious so what’s going on with that ?

TemptressofWaikiki Sun 20-May-18 21:50:04

*10storeylovesong Your comment was massively uncalled for!

Smallhorse Sun 20-May-18 21:52:07

What a horrible thing to say to anyone. But to your own Mum?

penguinsnpandas Sun 20-May-18 21:55:00

That sounds very like she has ocd and can't cope with other people doing things. I think its not nice to wish her to die and it will have hurt her a lot. I would move out and apologise but urge her to seek help, cbt therapy has the most success but long waiting lists.

JaneJeffer Sun 20-May-18 21:55:14

I don't see what other people dying have got to do with the OP!

My DM is also a martyr and likes to "kill" herself doing stuff but will not sit down and relax no matter how much she is told.

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