To still be upset at dad's rejection?

[FedupofFortnite]

I'm bloody 40 years old. You'd think I'd be over it. Why does it still hurt so much?

I'm an only child and was brought up my my mum and grandparents - they were all wonderful. My parents weren't married and I wasn't exactly planned. My dad didn't want to know.
I didn't meet him until I was 19. He'd become very successful in that time and was just divorced for second time (no other children). He has since married his third wife and has been for over a decade. I don't like her or trust her, but that's besides the point as I've always been pleasant. She has made my life difficult as she doesn't seem to like me having contact with my dad and even once suggested I go through her rather than call or text him directly. She has been a nasty piece of work over the years, but I've ignored it all as I'm not good with confrontation and don't want to make things more difficult.

He just takes no interest. I try and I've tried for years. I have a near teenage child myself now and he takes very little interest in him either. He is involved with his wife's adult children and their own kids, but despite living very close by, he just doesn't bother with me or my son.

There have been a catalogue of things, but one that sticks out is that I wasn't invited to a very large 60th birthday party his wife threw for him a few years ago - I only found out after it happened, and she had told me to my face a couple of weeks before the party that there was nothing planned for it - an outright lie I discovered later. I didn't confront her, I regret that now.
The thing is, I'm never included in anything at all. We give each other Birthday and Christmas presents, and I never forget Father's Day - I even text his wife when it's Mother's Day to wish her a happy day.

He just doesn't reciprocate. I invite him round and he doesn't come, occasionally he will turn up to watch my son play football, but I could count the number of times on one hand - yet I always let him know the fixtures before each game, he replies about half the time. I have never stopped trying and hoping. I don't want to feel like I didn't make the effort, but I'm so tied and upset of always being rejected or ignored,

My marriage has recently separated and somehow it's made it all seem so much worse. I'm feeling pretty alone and generally vulnerable and upset right now.
Today I sent a message to invite him to come round for tea when his wife is away in a couple of weeks, and he replied to he is very busy with evening functions - just a brush off. It's another slap in the face and has made me irrationally upset today, have been in tears for the past hour which is crazy. I'm struggling as it is at the moment, and somehow I just want someone I can rely on. My mum is amazing, and I appreciate her so much, but somehow I just still need my dad - but then he was never there in the first place. I feel so ridiculous at my age, but I just want him to care about me.
Every time he just shows that he doesn't. And I bloody well wish it would stop hurting because I know he doesn't deserve my tears. I also feel like I really need to be over it at this stage of my life.

What should I do?

[Domino20]

You can't change the way other people behave, only the way that you react. I strongly advise you to drop all contact with him. Sorry.

[LadyDeadpool]

Let him go, just let them go out of your life because you're worth so much more than what they are giving you.

I had to do the same with my Dad he just didn't care and it hurt me more to keep fighting to have him in my life especially when my step mum blew up at me over a joke image I shared that had nothing to do with family at all and accused me of doing it to be horrible to him. I ended up having a huge panic attack but it gave me the strength to delete all of them including my half siblings from my facebook and my life.

I have some serious MH issues related to abandonment and I think it will always hurt to know I wasn't good enough for him. I don't think I'll ever be over it.

It's okay to be hurt though by other people but you can't control them you can't make them be the person they should be the only thing you can control is your life and cutting out the parts of your life that cause you pain is something you need to do for yourself.

There are millions of us out there for who family is a no go area, who weren't the children our parents wanted us to be and never will be but that's not our failing its theirs.

[FedupofFortnite]

for you Lady Deadpool. I think it's just that every time he demonstrates his lack of interest, it's that sense of abandonment and sense of not being good enough all over again.
I've always thought that perhaps if I didn't give up, it would get better. I agree that I'm probably just hurting myself more at this stage to persist.

[ItWentInMyEye]

I'm in a similar set up with my dad being uninterested, only difference being his wife is ok. He didn't even send me a card for my 30th recently! I just leave it to him to get in touch and if it's no hardship to me for us to meet up at mine or his then we do but I don't initiate it anymore.

[mumsbuns]

It's devastating when our biological parents can't or won't be what we need them to be.
Know that your dads behaviour towards you is not about you, it's about him.
I'd agree that he doesn't deserve your tears, but maybe you deserve to be allowed to mourn the fact that you never got to have a dad who was there for you, and that he has actually been fairly overtly rejecting of you.
It sounds like you've been hoping for a long time that he'd show you that he could be a better dad to you, and maybe you need to find a way to come to terms with the fact that he might not be able to/ want to.
Would some counselling be an option to give you a space to express your feelings? Hi

[Aprilmightbemynewname]

As a teen I was keen to forge a relationship with my df after non to speak of . Always secretly blamed my dm for his lack of involvement. When he married my sm without an invite I knew he was no St. When I had dc I encouraged a relationship between them. When he started not turning up and they sat at the window waiting I started it lose hope. When he won a large amount of cash and declared it all my sm money I felt totally worthless in his eyes. The day I rang and asked to speak to my df and sm asked who it was calling I gave up.
No more letting my dc down - or me. Went nc about 20 years ago and never looked back. He bought a big house - cash I heard, he sent me a card with new address but I have never been.
Grieve for the df you wanted but never had op.
Then move on.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

My lovely, this man is not good enough for you

He's a flawed inadequate person who does not deserve your anguish.

You've been very generous to want to have a relationship with him.

[FedupofFortnite]

Thanks for your replies.

The reason I've not cut contact thus far is that I still keep hoping. It's like the potential of a relationship outweighs the possibility of being hurt.

This has happened time and again. It's like it's stuck on a rinse and repeat cycle. I reach out and sometimes he responds and sometimes he doesn't. When he doesn't, the rejection stings and I feel unloved, foolish, and abandoned all over again.

So after the umpteenth time I decide not to contact him and not to be rejected or hurt by him again, "fuck him" I usually say, "his loss". But quitting is just a cover up for disappointment, for the feeling that he clearly thinks I'm not worth his time. And then time passes and I always decide to try again, only for the same thing to happen and to feel back at square one. But it's worse than square one as each time I'm left feeling a little more worthless.
Sometimes I've wondered if it's me. Perhaps if I'd had a better career and made something of myself, perhaps if I had more status he would be interested and proud of me. The reason I wonder that is that those things are very important to him, not to me, I'm more about people and relationships than chasing status. But then I realise that it's all such shite when I write it, and if it is because of something that superficial that he doesn't care, then it's really his problem and his failing, not mine.

And occasionally he does show interest. Which is perhaps worse, as it's the carrot of hope, the eternally just out of reach interest. He might unexpectedly turn up at my son's football or make noises about meeting up, or send me a text message. Each and every one of those times I start hoping. I start thinking maybe this is it, perhaps it's all going to work out and maybe he wants to be part of my life after all. But it never comes to anything. He comes to football once, and then doesn't for months. He'll text me back about meeting and then it doesn't happen - he's too busy, he's away on business, he has functions, he'll get back to me - and I wait, and wait. Months go by.

He missed my entire childhood and almost every significant event in my life. He's now missing it all in my son's life, and he is my son's only grandfather.

Despite it all I still want him present in my life. I don't even care about all that's gone past. So I continue to try. But he never comes through, and the absence of any sign that I'm in the least bit important or significant to him is painful.

I'm not sure it matters what age you are, as I was sure I would be over it by now. I wish I was. Perhaps the only way is to make that choice myself, take responsibility and cut him off for my own sake.

[Merryoldgoat]

He showed himself to be feckless and unreliable before you were born. It is NOT a reflection on you. How can it be? He didn’t even know you.

If you met a man and he told you he had a child he absolved himself of responsibility for, what would you think of him? Not very much. What would you think of the child? You’d think they were dealt a shitty hand in fathers but that they were lucky to not have the shit in their lives.

He doesn’t care about you OP. Every single action shows you that.

Move on with your head held high. Change your number, delete his and pretend he’s dead.

I’m 40 too btw. I’ve never met my ‘father’ either. He left when my mum was pregnant and I decided quite early I wasn’t but going to look for him. His loss. I’m fucking awesome and so are you.

[MsVestibule]

fortnite you know the answer to this one. My friend is a few years older than you and is in a similar situation to yours, but without the poisonous wife.

She tries to do what you do but then cracks after a while. I have told her so often that her dad will not change and is simply not worthy of her - yours isn't either.

You say he does occasionally throw you a few crumbs - is this in response to one of your messages, or does he contact you if you haven't been in touch for ages?

[Juiceylucy09]

Let him go as hard as it will be, it will takes guts but you will be free.

He sounds like a very person, he will reap the consequences one day but you can stop his control today.

Your mom must be heartbroken at how they treat you. Try focus on a new adventure for yourself.

[Juiceylucy09]

Just seen your update, you are already been hurt badly over and over.

[Juells]

When there's nothing but pain for you in a relationship it's time to cut it from your life. Every contact you have with him hurts you. Look after yourself.

[TheFatkinsDiet]

Ah op. He sucks. for you. I’d also go very limited contact with him. He doesn’t sound like having contact with him is doing anything to improve your life.

[TheFatkinsDiet]

*It

[Firgoodnesssake]

Sorry to hear this OP, his lacking is absolutely not your fault.

your biological father would appear to not have any paternal instincts. He is a type who wil never be able to step up tkt he plate, so to speak. He is selfish and incapable of seeing this from your point of view.

I have a teenager whose father is cut from the same cloth as your dad. It’s so painful to watch as I can appreciate how this must make my son, and you, feel.

Fact is, he doesn’t deserve you. And his new wife is a horrible human being, how dare she - try not to give her any of your brain space. Ignore.

Have you ever considered counselling, as this might help you to develop strategies to deal with this. Please consider this as for the situation to continue is torturing you.

[Strongmummy]

Your feelings are not irrational at all. His behaviour is making you feel rejected and worthless. To save yourself anymore heartache I would stop contact with him. I would then strongly suggest speaking to a professional about how he’s made you feel so you can work through this

[Mirrorwriting]

You need to b prepared for the fact that you probably won’t be mentioned in the will and it will go to SM and her children. Partially her influence, partly his fecklessness, nothing to do with you. Mourn the father you deserved. Move forward.

[FullOfJellyBeans]

I think it's totally understandable. However old you get you want the unconditional love and support of your parents. His wife sounds like a right piece of work too :(. I agree with PP that you should definitely consider counselling.

[BustopherJones]

OP, I think you do think that this is something to do with you. It isn’t. It’s just him. Can you imagine treating your child this way? I bet you’re horrified to even think about it. That’s the person you’re dealing with. He wasn’t good enough for you, and he still isn’t.

Some of your feelings about him date back to childhood. So they’re likely to be quite hard to figure out. If you are able to find a counsellor who could help you work through your feelings this may be helpful.

I’m so sorry you’re hurting.

[Happygolucky009]

Let go of this man, he isn't someone to rely upon.

Grieve for the relationship you would like but move on. To keep contact prevents you from accepting what he is and is like picking a scab! I went nc and although it's hard it's much easier than dealing with the day to day disappointments. Good luck

[CruCru]

Hi OP

I can understand your sadness. I wonder whether your relationship with your father is a stick that you use to beat yourself? If you are already feeling low, getting in touch with a man who has no interest in you or your children will not make you feel better.

I think you should be kind to yourself. Spend time with the people who make you feel good about yourself. Don’t initiate contact with this man and pause before you reply to his messages. Unfollow him on social media - you aren’t going to see anything that will make you happy.

[Marriedwithchildren5]

I imagine this is him everyday. To everyone. I always say if it wasn't for my mum, my dad wouldn't be as present as he is. You do need to concentrate on your life. Send him the odd txt for yourself. But don't depend on them being a bridge to your relationship.

[OldHag1]

Can you have a heart to heart with him? Cards on the table and tell him how you truly feel?

My Father abandoned me and my siblings, the youngest was 2. He was having an affair eventually married her and they had more kids.

I spoke to someone whose Father had died when he was younger I was about 20 when we had the conversation lots of emotional guilt about I would regret it if I didn’t get to know him. So I reached out and was rejected. I expected it. Apparently his wife didn’t want us to meet.

Roll on another 10 years he was diagnosed with cancer. He did not contact us not even when he was advised it was terminal. I didn’t go to his funeral. I have no regrets but you on the other hand want and need a relationship with your Father so if I was you I would have the heart to heart and tell him what you need from him. Ask him or yourself if you ever think you will get what you need from him. Tell him you were upset to be excluded from his birthday celebrations -his wife is a bitch btw-

[BarefootMe]

I really feel for you OP. My experience of family rejection is different from yours, but the solution may be similar. I have been ostrazised for years by both siblings (parents are dead). I know why one of them has done it, and after many years I can understand and forgive a lot of the hurt, as he was very hurt himself by an issue going back to our childhood. With the other one, I really have no idea why. What I want to tell you is that after many many years of trying to put it right, and getting nowhere, I realised with the help of counselling that the pattern of trying to make it work and being rejected each time, was really harmful to me. The constant cycle of rejection and feeling awful about oneself, and the depression that went with it - all of that is not a good way of life. With support I realised that nothing I did would change the situation, so I needed to 'love them and leave them'. Bearing anger and ill will towards them was no answer - it would have hurt me but them. So eventually I got the stage where I could accept that there will be no relationship, and in some ways, although terribly sad, it was also a relief - I could stop trying, and of course I stopped receiving rejection over and over. From that base I have managed to build a much happier relationship with myself and others I care ab out, I feel stronger and a lot of the anxiety and depression has lifted. I did not want to carry anger forward, so it has involved trying to forgive past hurts so as to move on and leave them behind, which is hard, but you do not want to remain bogged down in all they have done to hurt you.
I hope you will be able to do something similar. My advice would be - stop trying, and the pattern of rejection will recede. Go no contact. Its hard, but worth it. You will feel freer of all the hurts that go with this kind of non-relationship. When you have done it, try not to rehearse all the hurts. Get support to let it go. You will be in charge of your life, rather than at the mercy of someone else's choices about how they treat you. That is empowering. Good luck, I really wish you well.