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To want DH to buck up?

(46 Posts)
Laserbird16 Sun 20-May-18 14:42:17

I'm just jack of DH's attitude when it comes to DD.

She's not even 2 and very focused on me. I have to read her a book, I have to carry her, I have to shower with her, fine... she is 21 months. But DH seems to take this very personally and 'opts' out of activities e.g. Sits and reads his own book at bedtime, yawns through singing a bed time song. It gets me so angry as the less engaged he is the less she wants him.

I've tried including him in on stuff and she'll generally accept it, like if I hold the book, he can read it. However, he gets really upset that she rejects him and won't settle for him and rather than being sympathetic I just want shake him as I then have to deal with the tantruming toddler and DH being all sulky.

She isn't an angel for me but I don't expect her to be. I just calmly carry on and try to distract her but DH seems to think all is lost so he hands her over to me. I feel it ruins family time as I fully anticipate DH saying he doesn't want to go to the park as DD won't play with him and I just take her myself. Fine it is efficient to divide and conquer but we have limited time together as a family as we both work full-time.

I do see he gets very hurt when she doesn't want him but surely he just needs to be a bit more resilient and she'll get there eventually...won't she?

Carycach100 Sun 20-May-18 14:44:53

Let him deal with her one on one without you hovering in the background

geekone Sun 20-May-18 14:47:11

Go away for the weekend let him have her to himself it will be great for both of them.

Laserbird16 Sun 20-May-18 14:48:17

Thanks mate. Great advice. Do one.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 20-May-18 14:49:53

Wow. If that’s how you talk to people giving you advice, which you’ve asked for, I think I’ll pass hmm

Is that how you speak to your husband?

Laserbird16 Sun 20-May-18 14:50:13

That is helpful geekone and yes I generally leave the house every Sunday morning for several hours but the issue is more when I am available she wants me and he just gives up and then gets all hurt

ICantCopeAnymore Sun 20-May-18 14:52:09

Wow, what a way to respond to advice. I was going to post something similar in that you both need to be firmer with her. You need to not be available amd he needs to say, "No, Mummy is busy" rather than giving in.

NeedForBlossom Sun 20-May-18 14:52:17

Let him deal with her one on one without you hovering in the background

^^ this. Why the aggressive response? hmm

fuzzyfozzy Sun 20-May-18 14:53:44

Yep, walk out leave him to it and say daddy gets a turn.

WhatCanIDoNowPlease Sun 20-May-18 14:54:36

Carycach100

Let him deal with her one on one without you hovering in the background

Today 14:47 geekone

Go away for the weekend let him have her to himself it will be great for both of them.

I don't know which advice you are objecting to and I don't know if the advice is meant to be sarcastic or not but they are both really good advices (???) For you.

BigFuckingManatee Sun 20-May-18 14:54:57

Wondering why you're not getting anywhere with him as you seem like such a lovely person...

Pickleypickles Sun 20-May-18 14:55:07

One more for the let him do it without you hovering. If mum is always an option she will pick it so make mum not an option.

WhiteCoyote Sun 20-May-18 14:55:43

He sounds ridiculously immature. I’ll have some words with him for you op grin

He really needs to spend more one on one time with her (and actually act like a bloody adult when he has her too). It’ll probably be hard for you to relax while he’s got her op, but you really need to just let him get on with it and let them form their own bond.

Frosty66612 Sun 20-May-18 14:57:21

I’d walk out the room and let him get on with it. She’ll probably be very upset at first and want you to be there but after a few times she’ll hopefully calm down and get more and more used to spending 1 on 1 time with him. Once she’s more comfortable with it you could start taking it in turns each night to do bath and story

cookiesfortheunicorn Sun 20-May-18 14:57:34

Leave them alone together, make it a regular thing. At that age a child tends to prefer one parent from the other.

MightyMucks Sun 20-May-18 14:58:06

If your response to the suggestion he might spend time alone with DD is that, then obviously YOU are the problem.

GrannyHaddock Sun 20-May-18 14:58:53

Could bring her something, like a new book or toy, that can be exclusively for them to read? Whatever, I expect she'll be Daddy's girl at some point.

LunaTrap Sun 20-May-18 15:01:19

I was going to post suggesting you disappear and give them some time alone together but I'm glad I didn't now! grin

TroubledLichen Sun 20-May-18 15:02:37

That sounds really tough, I think you’ve both got stuck into your roles, where you do everything for DD and he does nothing. What do you think would happen if your took a shower by yourself and let DH look after DD? I think the only way things are going to improve is if you back off, stop jumping in because DH isn’t doing things your way and let him be a parent. Going out for the day and leaving him to it would be a brilliant start.

MadeForThis Sun 20-May-18 15:03:58

Try and create something that is "their" thing to do and refuse to do it yourself. Go to a certain park or softplay, go for ice cream or to the library or a toddler group.

If they have something that is their thing to do they will start to bond.

Most kids will default to mummy as she is there most often.

AjasLipstick Sun 20-May-18 15:07:00

He sounds like a child. Don't facilitate this behaviour. He's not a toddler he's a Father. Can't abide this sort of shite...."men" like this are trouble if you ask me.

adaline Sun 20-May-18 15:07:11

Wow, aren't you polite? hmm

If you're the default carer then she's automatically going to go to you. Make yourself unavailable - cook dinner, have a bath, go to the gym, and let him deal with her on his own.

It doesn't need the both of you to put her to bed or read her a story!

Smeaton Sun 20-May-18 15:08:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheshireChat Sun 20-May-18 15:08:23

Kids have different favourites at different times, only way to deal with it is by removing yourself.

Mummy can't right now is a perfectly fine answer for both your DD and your DH. Also tell him you resent being the default parent and what does he suggest you do to improve the situation.

ocelot41 Sun 20-May-18 15:10:10

I had this, and really appreciated the advice to make myself scarce one afternoon a week. Why such a nasty response to a tip you asked for? Are you feeling really tired and getting a bit nippy?

I know I was at that point. If so, you have double the reason to grab a magazine and go sit in a cafe with a big slice of cake

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