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AIBU?

First Father's Day- missing it

27 replies

Polkadotraindrops · 20/05/2018 12:07

DD will be almost a year old on Father's Day. First child so it will be DH's first Father's Day. He knows I've made him a gift from DD but not what. I'd invited both our parents down so grandads could be involved too, although his parents aren't sure if they can attend yet & he is aware of this. His parents are currently trying to rearrange plans to be there.

DH wants to visit his brother who he will be seeing the following weekend at DD's first birthday party. He feels Father's Day isn't a big deal & DD is too young to know about it anyway so he should be able to spend the weekend away elsewhere. I feel he should want to spend the day with DD without me having to argue with him.

AIBU?

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YouAreNotImportant · 20/05/2018 12:09

It's his Father's day. Not yours.

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FASH84 · 20/05/2018 12:09

It's father's Day surely it's up to the father to choose what they want to do? Wouldn't you and DS go to his brother's too? It might be a nice family day

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Sparklesocks · 20/05/2018 12:10

I can see your perspective, but I think as it’s Father’s Day it’s up to him how he spends it - and he’s right that DD won’t know what’s going on.

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Waitingonasmiley42 · 20/05/2018 12:15

Yabu. She's too little to have a clue what day it is.

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user1487194234 · 20/05/2018 12:16

In the nicest possible way YABU

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Polkadotraindrops · 20/05/2018 12:26

@FASH84 no, they want to spend the weekend alone together. Sad

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Polkadotraindrops · 20/05/2018 12:40

I'm completely willing to be told I'm being U as is the unanimous vote. Thanks for the responses! I just wish he'd decided this before I'd invited both sets of grandparents.

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FASH84 · 20/05/2018 12:41

It's still up to him it's his day. How many mum's would love a day to themselves or with a friend or sister as a mother's Day gift and we'd all be saying she didn't shouldn't feel bad. DD won't have any idea what day it is, if it was Christmas or her birthday different story, but it's not it's his day his choice. Father's Day isn't even a real holiday it has only been celebrated in the UK since 1966.

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FASH84 · 20/05/2018 12:41

Maybe you should've both discussed it before either of you made plans

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Polkadotraindrops · 20/05/2018 12:44

@FASH84 we did. We had this plan in place that we'd spend the day together with DD but his brother has just invited him this week.

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gillybeanz · 20/05/2018 12:45

I think you should have discussed it first, but as it's Fathers Day it's up to your dh what he wants to do.
You sound quite controlling, I couldn't cope with such organisation from my dh, it would drive me mad.
YABVU

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Hissy · 20/05/2018 12:48

God i do so hate the way stuff like Father’s Day (complete hallmark occasion at the best of times AND a 1st Birthday can be used to guilt trip and manipulate

IT DOES NOT MATTER!

The baby knows nothing about any of this, so if your h wants to do something else more worthwhile other than a pointless Father’s Day, that’s absolutely his call.

Pace yourself, there are far more important things to plan and make a fuss of. Things the child will value and provide feedback and appreciation for.

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Niamhanna · 20/05/2018 13:03

Father's Day isn't a real thing - it's just so the card companies can make money.

You can celebrate fatherhood and motherhood whenever you want without the need for presents, cards or a specific day.

YABU.

Don't try to engineer special times. The best memories I have from childhood are things that happened spontaneously.

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Polkadotraindrops · 20/05/2018 13:07

@gillybeanz I think you're being a little harsh and making assumptions that I'm controlling based on one post (which is a very wrong assumption 🙈)! As I've already said, we discussed it and had plans to invite both sets grandparents & all spend the day together but since he's had another invitation hence wants to change plans.

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VladmirsPoutine · 20/05/2018 13:09

Yabu and precious.

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LML83 · 20/05/2018 13:11

you have plans together with both sets of parents, plans to celebrate him being a dad. He is being unreasonable as he agreed to plans and wants to ditch for a better offer.

Had you suggested parents visit and he said 'no thanks brother has invited me that weekend' sonwouldnt see a problem with him choosing but he has made plans with you he should reschedule brother.

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LML83 · 20/05/2018 13:13

@hissy It doenst matter what the celebration is, and your right the child won't know. But he shouldn't let down OP even if it was just a Sunday lunch. Plans have been discussed and made.

Can brother join? or could he go to brothers Fri night to Sunday morning then meet parents?

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FizzyGreenWater · 20/05/2018 13:16

You could leave Father's Day completely out of it though:

  • Plan is agreed between OP and her DH for a weekend where they invite both sets of parents to visit for a get-together (presumably not an insignificant amount of hosting, arranging, cooking etc.)


  • DH gets a last-minute offer he prefers. Is it a one-off, such as someone e.g. going abroad for work so he won't see them for the foreseeable? No, it's his brother that he's going to see the following weekend anyway.


  • DH bails on the weekend. Note this equates to also volunteering OP for solo childcare for the whole weekend that hasn't been discussed in advance, plus now solo hosting for both sets of parents or cancelling their weekend trip. Nice.


Ok? No, not ok at all.

If I were OP I'd be saying calmly that it's a shame he can't go, as you aren't available for solo childcare that weekend, which would be something needing agreement on in advance. As it is, you're going to be pretty busy with a lot of hosting, so no, he has childcare commitments.
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PotteringAlong · 20/05/2018 13:18

this equates to also volunteering OP for solo childcare for the whole weekend that hasn't been discussed in advance, plus now solo hosting for both sets of parents

It’s not going to be solo childcare if both sets of grandparents are there though, is it.

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FizzyGreenWater · 20/05/2018 13:26

Yes it is.

The grandparents are visiting. They're not coming as babysitters.

She's not the default parent and he gets to swan off if there are other associated adults around to take his role.

OP and her DH are equally responsible for their child.

Neither has the right to turn round and say, oh, I'm off for the weekend, see you Monday. Both are obligated to ASK the other parent if they're willing to have solo responsibility.

This is a good point to set the boundary. The DH is no longer in a position to agree to a weekend away unless he's got an agreement from his DD's other parent that they're ok with being sole parent for that time.

It's simply fair play.

Anything else is a slippery slope to Mum being the default parent, and Dad 'helping out' when he's 'able to.'

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Echobelly · 20/05/2018 13:28

It just doesn't mean anything for some people. We've never done mother's or father's day, or bought presents 'from' the kids to one another, if it's not important to him, it's not important.

I'd maybe organise a family get together on a day that's better for everyone and doesn't have the potential politics of it being father's day?

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Snowysky20009 · 20/05/2018 13:32

His Father's Day, his decision. Dp spends the day out on his bike in peace!

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timeisnotaline · 20/05/2018 13:35

He shouldn’t have unilaterally cancelled on some plans - perhaps he should cancel on his parents for you so you don’t have both sets? However for Father’s Day id try and do or support plans that my dh wants - it’s not abouthim spending
The day with the dc! I like some time to myself for Mother’s day :)

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Hissy · 20/05/2018 15:28

Him cancelling plans you’ve made with both your parents is rude. That’s 100% irrefutable


Mothering Sunday originally refers to visiting Mother Church and wasn’t originally anything to do with mothers.

Mother’s Day is a hijack, Father’s Day is even more of a contrived occasion, so let’s hope this crap dies out eventually so people don’t feel pressure to be here, so that, spend time with so and so.

He shouldn’t have bailed on you Op, but don’t manufacture more hallmark stuff than we already have.

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Smellyjo · 20/05/2018 15:43

I agree with others, his Father's Day is his choice and you can't decide how he should be feeling about it. BUT - I totally get where you are coming from in that Mother's Day is important to me, I feel it's a day where we should all be together and I get pampered a bit, so that's what I expected DH would want and I want to offer him. However it doesn't mean much to him,he feels it's commercial nonsense and doesn't care either way whether he gets a card etc. He wouldn't notice any difference between a homemade card or bought for etc. Which I think is mad! It may be different once kids are older and start making things independently but for now I need to accept those are his feelings and that my version of the occasion is just my version and not how it 'should' be.

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