To ask if anyone else has 'wobbles' in long term relationships?

[2beloved]

To clarify, I love my OH so dearly and we've even been trying for a baby this year. I would never cheat, but I'm having this period of time where I'm really missing the thrill of the chase. The desire you feel when you meet someone and get to know them and the whole build up. The flirty looks etc. I've started in a new job lately and two of the men there have been asking about me to colleagues and lots of stolen looks and flirty comments (which I'm not reciprocating) but it's made me feel a bit sad because OH and I are so comfortable I feel like I'll never experience that again. It doesn't help I'm mid twenties and all my friends are in a very different place in life to me and are still single and dating and discovering what they want

I love being comfortable and in love 99% or the time. And starting a family and sharing a home means so much more than all of this, it's trivial I know and I won't act on it: but does anyone ever go through periods of missing the desire? Or AIBU?

[GalwayWayfarer]

I think this is pretty normal. It's inevitable that the 'thrill' of a new relationship is lost after time and it's not unreasonable to be nostalgic about it!

Long term relationships are about making the choice, over and over, that what you have in your relationship is worth more than that thrill. It sounds like you are making that choice and know you're happy - so don't beat yourself up too much about perfectly normal reminisces about the thrill of the chase. Just be careful you aren't fixating on it - it's easy to think the grass is greener and get caught up in that!

[2beloved]

@GalwayWayfarer Thank you. I really needed to hear that

[TheHulksPurplePanties]

I think it's perfectly normal. In fact I think it would be far stranger if you DIDN'T get "wobbles". Just because we're married doesn't mean the rest of our instincts, desires, etc disappear. But as the PP said, it's about making the same choice over and over again.

[pandarific]

An aside, but are you planning to get married before you have children op? Please think about it very carefully - you are financially vulnerable after having children and you are much more protected if you are married. There are many many threads on here about it.

[AdamantEve]

I’m glad you posted this OP - I’m a bit older than you and already have children but I’ve also recently started a new job and I think meeting new men reminds you that other people exist and there are other possibilities out there.

I’m the same as you in that I wouldn’t reciprocate any flirting etc but I have had some pangs of nostalgia for my single days.

I agree with posters above though, I think it’s all quite normal.

[LoveInTokyo]

What everyone else said but especially what pandarific said.

I think MNHQ should collate all those “DP and I have two DC and I stopped work to be a SAHM but we never married because we thought it was just a piece of paper and now he has walked” threads and make them into a sticky on the conception board.

[2beloved]

@pandarific @LoveInTokyo We have been together several years and got engaged a few months ago. Hoping to marry in 2020 but both don't mind if we get lucky and have a little one before then

[LoveInTokyo]

I would just go and read some of those threads if I were you.

What will you do if a little one comes along and then another little one and maybe you stop work or go part-time and 2020 comes and goes and it’s just never the right time or you never have enough money until one day he ups and leaves and marries another woman within 6 months? It happens, unfortunately.

Don’t want to derail your thread but there have been so many examples of exactly this sort of thing recently and there are always people saying “you shouldn’t have had kids before you had the piece of paper” but then of course it’s too late by then.

I actually think this is going to be a huge danger for this generation. So many people have this idea in their heads that marriage is outdated, or that there’s no stigma in having kids before you’re married (which of course there isn’t anymore) that they don’t really need it. But it’s not until something bad happens that they realise being married would have given them so much financial and legal protection.

[pigeondujour]

That is quite a derail though. It's not like her partner is saying "marriage is just a piece of paper so let's not bother" which would make that advice more relevant. It's normal to have a year or two of engagement before marriage; you can't completely eliminate risk.

And yes it's totally normal to have those wobbles, OP. I think most people have a grass is greener thing sometimes whether they're single or in a relationship. I know on the odd times I feel wistful about it not being 'new' again I'm not accurately remembering it including all the things I hated about being single and wouldn't want to go back to.

[maxthemartian]

To be honest - I had wobbles in long-term relationships in my twenties, lots of crushes, and always wound up splitting up.
Met DH at 32 and haven't wobbled in ten years.
But we're all different of course.

[LoveInTokyo]

True pigeondujour, but the only threads where it wouldn’t be a derail tend to be the ones where the worst has already happened.

Which is why I think these horror stories would make a good sticky in the conception board. You need to think about this stuff before you get knocked up, not afterwards.

[Icklepickle101]

I think wobbles are very normal.

I’m also shouting from the rooftops to consider marriage before children. I didn’t with DC1 because me and DP were both reasonable people, we were going to spend he rest of our lives together blah blah blah. We didn’t, he fucked me over massively after I found out about the OW and left me penniless without a roof over our heads and there was nothing I could do about it.

[Echobelly]

Yes, wobbles are normal. We've been married nearly 11 years, together about 15. There have definitely been times I've felt what I'd call 'not loved up', but I've always been able to understand it as just as a phase and it does pass.

[totorosumbrella]

If you have a job that earns enough to support yourself and DC if you should find yourself single and you jointly own any property it doesn't matter if you're married or not. And that's got nothing to do with what the OP posted about!

[Storminateapot]

I know what you mean. I've been with my DH 30 years, married 20, 3 teenage kids. Watching the royal wedding yesterday I felt a bit sad & wistful for the days when we were madly in love like Harry & Meghan clearly are.

That's not to say we don't love each other or want to change anything, but it's just a bit .... ah, I'll never have that again...

[TotHappy]

I had almost exactly what you're describing op, at almost exactly the same age. I was very tempted to act on it, whilst knowing that would be an awful thing to do and i mustn't, just because that thrill of feeling that someone's attracted ti you, that look in their eyes... It's heady.
I would second what a pp said, do not fixate on it, do not daydream about it because while that might seem innocent, it will make you more likely to slip and do something you'll regret, or at least just make you dissatisfied with your relationship because it's not like the imaginary life in your head.