To think my DF is super tight?

[couchgriffon]

I’ll try to make it short but at the same time I don’t want to drip feed.

I moved to the UK 2.5 years ago to be with my DP and am currently 6 months pregnant with our first child. My relationship with DF is pretty odd, he’s been there on and off during my own childhood, but since moving to the UK and settling down with my partner I have decided to keep him in my life as things have gotten better between us.

My DP has only met him a few times due to the distance but has each time commented on how tight DF comes across.

As an example, DF has just flown home from a 4-day stay at our place. He slept on our couch to save money, fair enough. DP and I are a young couple and not exactly that well off but manage to get by within our means. Still, DF never offered to pay for anything; I took him to Tesco’s a few times to do the shopping and paid for his beer, food, bus tickets into the city etc.. Brought him along to a private 4D scan which was quite costly and I thought we’d perhaps go out for dinner or something after as we see so little of each other, but he bought us a McDonald’s. On day 3, he ran out of Sterling (he had brought over £80 in total which was to cover airport and taxi transfers too), and refused to go to an ATM to take out more money, so we were stuck in the house as me and DP couldn’t keep paying for everything.

He’s bought our DC an outfit from Tesco so far and nothing else.. DP’s parents have financed quite a bit for us so I can’t help but feel odd. DF is not super rich, but he and his wife do have a nice apartment, a good car, they treat themselves quite often and go on holidays. He keeps going on about how he can’t wait to be a Grandad but I can't help but be put off by how tight he is. AIBU?

[couchgriffon]

brought under £80*

[Hengine]

Does he have much money?
Also he must have spent money on travelling
I think being a grandparent isn’t about how much money you spend

[HotSauceCommittee]

What country is he from? Is the exchange rate not in his favour?
As a younger woman and child, I felt the same about my DF, but as time went on and he benefited from being a baby boomer and all of us siblings becoming independent, it is very apparent that we were just very skint in the younger days. Nothing to be done about that. He sounds like he was just managing and trying to be nice with the Tesco Baby outfit. It’s not all about money and you really shouldn’t expect him to take you out. As a guest, perhaps you should have treated him?
I would never take my or DH’s parents food shopping when they were visiting, but get the supplies in before they arrived.
Is it, perhaps, you who is tight?

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Had he asked you to book a scan?

I think it’s mean if all he bought for you was a McDonalds. I’d expect you to pay for household stuff and food and meals out to be split with him paying for at least one.

[TheOneWith]

He’s flown over, and was staying for 4 days - taking him to Tesco ‘a few times’ expecting him to pay for your food shopping is really quite cheeky.

[couchgriffon]

I wasn't expecting him to pay for our food stuff; we don't have a freezer so have to go more or less every day. I have no problem paying for our food etc., but when he is grabbing beer and frozen pizza and putting them in the trolley, knowing I'll pay.. it just feels weird.

I always pay for my own food when I stay at his place.. and stock up their fridge.

[Lilacwine1]

Expecting you to pay for everything is beyond tight, he's taking the piss out of your generosity. Next time he wants to pay you a visit, and drain your finances, tell him you can't afford it.

[dailymailsucksbigtime]

He was your guest. It is usual to feed and entertain guests. Why did you expect him to pay for his own food and beer?

[boatass]

You don’t even deserve the Tesco outfit with that attitude.

[Dragonade]

Go and stay with him and do the same

[OhTheRoses]

I think if my dd was expecting and I lived abroad, I'd have bought dinner, stocked the fridge, seen if she was short of anything and committed to buying the pram. And I'd have booked an hotel. Yes, he's tight imo.

[Melliegrantfirstlady]

I do think it is mean that he expected you to pay for his alcohol

Are you certain he wasn’t skint? His actions imply he was

[couchgriffon]

He is not skint. He is booking an all inclusive holiday for him and his wife as I type.

Point taken, DP and I are the hosts so we should pay for food. It's just odd knowing he has all these expensive hobbies at home which he constantly talks about, but shows no interest in helping out his own pregnant daughter even if he knows we are not that well off.

[Gemini69]

He's a selfish Prick... don't invite him again OP

[Rudgie47]

He should have made an effort to pay for somethings like the food for 2 days and a meal out etc. When I stayed with friends I bought them loads to drink, alcohol but they paid for the meals. It should be 50/50 not you and your boyfriend paying for absolutely everything.

[BMW6]

Basic courtesy - you dont go and stay in someones home empty handed.
He's just tight. If he wants to come over and visit in future, don't put him up. He can stay in a hotel or B & B and come to you for a couple of meals. No more than that.

[BoxsetsAndPopcorn]

It's polite for guests to bring a gift but the hosts are the one step to provide food etc. I'd not expect guests to do that.

You sound very grabby, his ability as a grandad has nothing to do with how much cash he spends.

You may be struggling but it was your choice to have a child in those circumstances, no one else's. He shouldn't have to bail you out for making your own adult choices, that's down to your and your DP to work to improve on.

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

If my DF stayed with us he'd pay for everything, because he knows we can't afford frozen pizza and beer. Having an extra mouth to feed would leave us short at the end of the week.

[RedSkyAtNight]

He's incurred costs travelling to see you, and you've incurred costs paying for his food etc. it probably evens out.

I personally don't take gifts or expect to pay for food/drink when staying with family in the same way I would if it was friends.

[Waggingmyginger]

You're going to be a parent now. In the nicest way you are now the bank of mum and dad (or mum and mum or dad and dad or etc). You can't really be looking for someone to parent you now.
Time to be more equal.

[Juells]

He's incurred costs travelling to see you, and you've incurred costs paying for his food etc. it probably evens out.

The OP didn't have a choice about it though. I wouldn't land myself on a pregnant daughter and expect her to finance my holiday and my drinking. Who does that to a daughter?

I wouldn't have him to stay again. I doubt he'll suggest it again, but if he does say you can't afford him

[Juells]

You may be struggling but it was your choice to have a child in those circumstances

Should she not have a child in case her semi-absent father should deign to visit?

[SirGawain]

I would never go on and extended visit to friends or relatives without paying for a nice meal or evening out, especialy if the were not charging me for accommodation.

[LadyB49]

I travelled 6,000 miles to visit ds, DIL and dgs for 2 weeks. I paid for a full house food shop, paid for all lunches eaten out, ordered a takeaway one night. Paid to eat out a few dinners. Took loads of pressies also.

I try to make sure that they are not out any money.....it's bad enough having mum and MIL with you for 2 weeks :) :)

[AnneElliott]

When we stay with people we take wine and flowers and buy dinner for one night for our hosts, and go halves on everything else (lunches etc). Your DF does seem a bit tight.