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AIBU?

Am I being unreasonable to be angry with my son’s uni tutors?

347 replies

Ladymacbethshandwash · 18/05/2018 17:04

My 18 year old son is coming to the end of his first year of a performing arts degree. Since he was a little boy he wanted to become an actor so this was the natural route for him to take.

He has struggled with certain aspects of the course, namely the movement side as he is 6 foot 3 and as graceful as bambi on ice. He has failed his two movement assessments and passed his acting assessments. Today at his end of year tutorial his tutors told him he will never make it as an actor. They bluntly destroyed his dreams and sent him on his way. My 18 year old son is away from home, distraught because in his opinion his dream is over, his life is finished. He won’t come home and he doesn’t want to speak to me. Why oh why could they have not been a little more careful about the language they used? I know I’m his Mum, so I am obviously biased but he does have something, he’s funny, confident, handsome and he does have acting ability. Unfortunately he doesn’t believe this now, he’s so low I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
SneakyGremlins · 18/05/2018 17:05

And they definitely said those exact words?

Poor lad Sad

Ladymacbethshandwash · 18/05/2018 17:07

Yes those exact words. I know it’s a tough industry but come on!

OP posts:
glsgow107 · 18/05/2018 17:07

YABU he's 18.

Lougle · 18/05/2018 17:08

Perhaps they are being realistic? Actors have to be able to do what the script says, not 'what they can do'. Only people who have already made their mark get parts that are written to suit their style and way of being. Everyone else has to adapt to the role that is put in front of them. I think I read a statistic that something like only 25% of 'actors' are employed at any one time, and most of them are doing other jobs alongside acting to get through the lean months. It really isn't a 'career' for all but the fewest of lucky ones.

RedHelenB · 18/05/2018 17:09

As I understand it you have to have a hard shell for acting and face a lot of rejection. Maybe it is for the best and he can be happy with another Jess brutal job and amateur dramatics.

sexnotgender · 18/05/2018 17:09

It's a shame and I can understand why you would be upset for him.

It's such a hard industry though and maybe it's better to let people know rather than waste 4 years.

MrsMozart · 18/05/2018 17:10

They're twits.

Plenty of actors who have all the physical grace of a stuffed lemming.

Tell your lad to hold onto his dreams and to go for it.

And a handhold to you. It's shit then they're far away and you can't comfort them in person.

dinosaursandtea · 18/05/2018 17:10

Has he been kicked off his course? Is there a chance to repeat the year?

LondonGin · 18/05/2018 17:12

YABU. He’s an adult. Evidently he needed a reality check. He either knows the tutor is wrong and is defiant, bounces back, and improves. Or it’s what he was harboring all along and has confirmed his fears. Sometimes children aren’t as good as their parents make out or think. Years of being told “you’re amazing” by parents is bad. Your son doesn’t sound very resilient. If he did make it as an actor he would likely get kicked back so many times and rejected. How would he deal with that? He hasn’t even left the starting gate yet...

kitkatsky · 18/05/2018 17:12

He's entering an industry full of rejection. This won't be the last if he's serious and this really is his dream. I can imagine it hurts but he's 18 now- you can feel for him but not fight his battles anymore

UnimaginativeUsername · 18/05/2018 17:13

Were you there when they said those exact words, or is this what your DS is telling you?

He will have been upset about not passing and no matter how sensitive his tutors were in managing his expectations he may well have heard it as ‘you’ll never make it’.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 18/05/2018 17:13

Flowers and Cake It seems rather a sweeping generalisation- who do they think plays characters who aren’t graceful?... and really at 18 he’s probably still growing into his body after the sudden growth spurts of adolescence.

neighbourhoodwitch · 18/05/2018 17:14

God, there are ways of saying things. so insensitive. only some idiot's opinion... hope he doesn't give up. x

BlueJava · 18/05/2018 17:14

That seems incredibly harsh. Genuine suggestion - continue with the course and do Pilates on a reformer (not just mat) reguarly, say twice a week for an hour. I am a gambling woman, and I'd take a bet on that drastically improving his movement or totally fixing it.

5LeafClover · 18/05/2018 17:15

Did he have to audition for the degree course? He had enough potential for them to offer him a place 12 months ago how can that have disappeared. Is this a ucas University or a private provider?

Ladymacbethshandwash · 18/05/2018 17:18

5LeafClover, yes he had to audition. 700 auditioned for 32 places. I understand about how tough the industry is and so does he because he auditioned for parts prior to uni and has appeared on TV. So he’s by no means soft or under any illusions.

OP posts:
Lougle · 18/05/2018 17:19

Many aspiring medics are told they'll never be doctors because of one failed exam. Many aspiring pilots are told they'll never fly because of one failed sight test. Many aspiring vets are told they'll never be a vet because they didn't get enough work experience in year 10. Many aspiring barristers find out that a law degree is not a certain route to practicing The Law. A great many aspiring footballers are cut from squad teams after a week where practice didn't go so well. Aspiring professional gymnasts get pulled aside and told they are now heading for the recreational stream.....

There are only so many 'cherished' jobs and a very great deal more people who want to do them than the jobs available. Who asks 5-10 year olds what they are going to do when they're older and hears "Checkout operator", "Salesman", "Call centre Assistant", "Janitor", "Booking Clerk", etc? Nobody. Everyone is going to have a dream job when they're little. But the reality is that we can't all do that, whether we are limited by our skills, our circumstances, job availablity, or something else.

My advice would be to suggest that he digests the advice, then assesses whether there is an element of entertainment that he is good at that doesn't require movement, or whether he needs to reconsider the whole career choice altogether.

Ladymacbethshandwash · 18/05/2018 17:20

Unimaginative, they also sent him an email which he sent to me in which they stated that due to his ability he should seriously reconsider his place on the course.

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 18/05/2018 17:20

Sorry to hear that, but I’m confused. Have they kicked him off the course? If so, then I can more understand the despondency. If not, then (and on the basis he got in) he must have talent, he needs to take confidence from that, accept he’s not going to be Fred Astaire and face his second year with a positive attitude. As others have said, acting is full of rejection.

RedSkyAtNight · 18/05/2018 17:22

Not an area I know anything about, but is there no possibility to do a more drama (and less movement) focussed performing arts qualification elsewhere?

FuckPants · 18/05/2018 17:23

YABU he's 18.

So fucking what? The OP shouldn't care that her son is upset because he's 18 and legally he's an adult? Come the fuck on Hmm

It sounds like the tutors should have chosen their words more carefully.

BlancheM · 18/05/2018 17:23

Every actor has heard they won't make it at least 50 million times.
He just needs to concentrate on his course at the moment.

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Pengggwn · 18/05/2018 17:24

It sounds to me like they are trying to advise him on a serious level that he doesn't have the ability he believes he has, which obviously isn't what anybody wants to hear, but is almost certainly well-meant.

Brokenbiscuit · 18/05/2018 17:24

Would you prefer that they give him false hope about his chances of success? Let him invest a significant amount of money in pursuing a career in which he is unlikely to make it?

Perhaps they didn't deliver the message in the most sensitive way - it's hard to tell from what you've written. However, they may have felt that an honest appraisal of his chances in the industry was in his best interests - no matter how hard it might have been to hear it.

Your DS now has two options. One is to cut his losses and set out on a new career path, to which he may be better suited. The other is to pursue his dream of acting regardless of the feedback, and try and prove them wrong.

If he opts for the former, I guess he will need to consider where his real strengths lie and consider changing to a different course of study. If the latter, then best of luck to him - but do make sure he has some kind of back-up plan!

TBH, acting is a very harsh, competitive industry, so if he does want to pursue this field, he may need to toughen up to criticism and rejection. Treat this setback as an opportunity for him to review what he really wants and to develop his own resilience.

TwitterQueen1 · 18/05/2018 17:25

"Your son doesn’t sound very resilient" How very unkind LondonGin

The boy has worked all through school, exams and the selection process to get to his chosen uni, where he has spent a year working towards his lifetime goals - he's been told he won't make it. Sad If any of my 3 had been told that at the end of their 1st year that they were not good enough at their chosen subjects they would have been devastated.

OP, this must be so tough on him. Give him some time to process this, I'm sure he'll talk when he's read. His tutors could - and should - have come up with some suggestions for alternative courses or ways to maximise his skills and develop the physical side. At 18, he probably hasn't properly grown into his body anyway.

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