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AIBU about DM and her neighbour’s adoption

(61 Posts)
feesh Thu 17-May-18 16:38:20

I can’t actually believe my mother sometimes.

I was chatting on Skype to her the other day, and she told me that her neighbour was adopting a 15 month old and was bringing them home that day, which is obviously hugely exciting news (I don’t actually know the neighbour, but I’m really happy for them regardless!).

Then DM said she was going round later with a present to meet the new baby.

I said, “But mum you can’t do that. I’m pretty sure —have read on Mumsnet— that adoptive families aren’t supposed to have visitors for 6 weeks.”

Anyway Skype started playing up, and all I could hear in the background was her going over and over ‘Why can’t I go and see them? What’s wrong with me visiting? I don’t understand why I can’t see them? What’s the reasoning behind not having visitors?”

When we got the call working again, she had moved on to something else, but I was so completely flummoxed by her not understanding that most new parents do not want visitors on their first day home with a new baby, that I said again, “Mum, you cannot go and see them, please don’t go round there, do you not understand that they need time to bond with the baby without anyone else being around?”

She said fine, I’ll just leave it on the doorstep then, I only wanted to meet the new baby.

Thing is, she totally would have gone around there anyway as she never listens to a word I say.

For some reason it’s really wound me up that she could be so utterly thoughtless and not able to understand why her presence might be best left for a few weeks.

So who IBU, me or her? Maybe I’ve got it completely wrong - I’d actually quite like to know if I have, so she can stop getting to me so much!

freddiepurrcury Thu 17-May-18 16:39:51

YANBU. I didn’t know that re visitors and adopted children but it makes perfect sense to me.

Witchend Thu 17-May-18 16:41:37

I've not heard anything about adoptive parents not being allowed people round for 6 weeks.
They might say don't have people to stay overnight or don't have too many at once, but dropping a present in from next door sounds fine and a lovely way to welcome them.

GabriellaMontez Thu 17-May-18 16:41:53

Never heard that. A 15 month old is hardly a baby. I think a card is nice. As long as she doesn't go in for the evening.

GothMummy Thu 17-May-18 16:42:35

She just sounds excited at the prospect of a new baby next door. I'm sure she meant no harm by it!

MakeMineALarge1 Thu 17-May-18 16:42:37

Your mum was probably just so pleased that they were bringing their new child home that she got caught up in the moment, thats all.

Gouldengirl9 Thu 17-May-18 16:43:12

I believe that not even new grandparents or other relatives are allowed to visit for a few weeks as advised by the health visitor/social services.

NiktheGreek Thu 17-May-18 16:43:22

I'm an adoptive mum and I've never heard of this. We had loads of visitors come to meet both our dc when they first come home. Certainly didn't impact on our bonding.

steppemum Thu 17-May-18 16:44:04

well, she is being a bit insensitive and you are over reacting.

I am sure that neighbours popping round to say hello is something that the family are perfectly capable of handling. And I bet they will be grateful and put her off coming in.
I wouldn't expect everyone to know or understand about an adoptive baby, she might not have come across this before.

Dozer Thu 17-May-18 16:44:24

Does she often pop into her neighbours’ then?

She is certainly BVU to go round that very day! Rather than just post through a card/small gift and hope to meet the baby soon.

But ultimately it’s not your problem. Her neighbours will probably be hmm

Dungeondragon15 Thu 17-May-18 16:44:40

I haven't heard anything about no visitors for six weeks. That would seem odd.

GothMummy Thu 17-May-18 16:44:43

Just thought....Im sure my friend had only had her 18 month old and 3 year old for a couple of weeks when I was invited round to meet them......

steppemum Thu 17-May-18 16:45:28

and when my friend adopted it was fine for us to come round, but we didn't cuddle the baby.

EB123 Thu 17-May-18 16:45:47

I've never heard of that rule? I think your mum was being really lovely wanting to welcome their new child.

MatildaTheCat Thu 17-May-18 16:46:48

You are quite right but if the neighbours have been advised to keep visitors away or low for a few weeks I dearsay they will be capable of opening the door an inch or two and explaining this.

postcardsfrom Thu 17-May-18 16:48:22

Your mother sounds sweet. Not sure why you're getting in a tiz about what she does with her neighbours. I'm sure the neighbours will decide for themselves whether or not they want to let her in and if she's being a nuisance or not.Not heard about this 6 week rule, seems impractical to me...

NiktheGreek Thu 17-May-18 16:49:06

There is no 6 week rule. This is bonkers!

sunshinejourney Thu 17-May-18 16:51:41

It's very common for new parents to stay home with the adopted child - no visitors, no busy trips out. They need a chance to begin bonding and for the child to begin the process of attaching (hopefully!).

Your mum probably didn't know this - it's nice you told her. I imagine a card through the door congratulating them and saying she'd love to meet the baby when convenient would be welcomed.

But yes - totally bonkers to go visit brand new parents the first day their baby comes home.

ThisIsNotARealAvo Thu 17-May-18 16:52:01

There is no 6 week rule, but some people advise what's known as funnelling, which is not introducing new people for 6-8 weeks. I do not know any adopters who have done this. When ours were placed, we couldn't wait to introduce close family and friends.

Strokethefurrywall Thu 17-May-18 16:52:43

What a massive fuss over nothing.

YABU. Jesus Christ, let your poor mother go and give a gift from crying out loud, you don't need to get your knickers in a twist over this!

Ilovecoleslaw Thu 17-May-18 16:54:15

DH's sister has just brought a baby home and in the process of adoption, and they're not allowed any visitors apart from her mum for a month!

DiamondsBestFriend Thu 17-May-18 16:55:51

If they had genuinely been advised to shut themselves away from the outside world for six weeks I’m sure that they are capable of saying so.

Your mum just wanted to take round a card, where’s the harm in that.

It’s none of your business IMO and not your place to start making demands of your mum based on information you know nothing about.

Userplusnumbers Thu 17-May-18 16:56:11

"that adoptive families aren’t supposed to have visitors for 6 weeks"

Do social services provide a guide as to how to prevent people popping round?

bridgetreilly Thu 17-May-18 16:57:48

YABU. She is being incredibly kind to her neighbours who I assume are perfectly capable of saying, 'Thank you so much. I'm afraid we're not really supposed to have visitors just now. Please do come back in a few weeks when we'll be much more settled and would love to see you.'

Dozer Thu 17-May-18 16:58:48

It’s not kind at all to visit on their first day at home with their DC.

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