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To cancel this date?

(134 Posts)
LiteraryDevil Thu 17-May-18 07:47:42

Been chatting to someone on OLD for a week and he's asked me out on Saturday night. We've been texting a bit since setting up the date but he takes hours to reply. Monday was when we first arranged things and he was texting during the day whilst at work and replying fairly quickly. As soon as it was arranged though the texts have dropped to just in the evenings. He has his kids this half of the week so has been busy with them but I also have kids, including a 3 year old, and still manage to text people back without it being hours in between. On Tuesday he took 8 hours to text back and then we chatted a bit. Yesterday I heard nothing at all from him but the dating app showed him to be active late on in the evening.
My profile clearly states in two places that I value good communication and that I see it as vital so this lack of communication is putting me off completely. There's no witty jokes or flirting. No comment about looking forward to meeting me in response to me saying that. I just feel like he's not very interested and I've very little interest in meeting him now.
Saturday night is going to be costly in taxi fares (about £20) and I've lined up a babysitter, new outfit etc. Seems a lot of effort for someone who isn't bothering to keep me interested.
Friends have said he might be shy, might be wary of texting after doing it too much before and being called needy, might be busy, might not be a great texted etc. So I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt and still meet him. Then came 24 hours of nothing at all and I'm thinking of cancelling.
For clarity I've not been bombarding him with texts. If he doesn't reply I don't contact him again until I hear from him. Our conversations have been about where we are going, work, the dating site and general stuff. Nothing very personal.
Other guys I've dated have been great at keeping in touch and have phoned me too before meeting up and we've exchanged a lot of information in the run up to the date. I feel like I don't know anything more about this guy apart from what his profile says so am very reluctant to meet.
AIBU to cancel the date? What would I tell him if I did?

DarklyDreamingDexter Thu 17-May-18 07:58:03

I think your instincts are right. If he was really interested he'd find time to squeeze in the odd text, even if he was very busy. If he's been active on the dating site, looks like he's still fishing and keeping you as a fallback. I'd probably text saying "Sorry, I can't make Saturday night" and see if he bothers to follow it up with suggesting an alternative date.

CaliforniaDream Thu 17-May-18 08:06:00

Some people are just terrible texters. It's up to you to decide if he seems promising in other ways but I would probably give him the benefit of the doubt and see what he's like in person.

pinkdelight Thu 17-May-18 08:10:56

Hard to say, I'd think it's a good quality that a dad is focusing on his kids and not spending his time with them texting his date. It sounds like you're used to a high level of texting from OLD but not everyone communicates that way and don't see it as their job to "bother to keep you interested". If you're not interested anyway and don't want a guy who doesn't text a lot then cancel the date, but it wouldn't put me off - it might be a sign that he's not too smooth rather than not being bothered. Indeed the other guys you've dated who were great at keeping in touch must've had other drawbacks or you wouldn't still be looking.

NurseButtercup Thu 17-May-18 08:18:02

I feel like I don't know anything more about this guy apart from what his profile says so am very reluctant to meet.

I think perhaps you should text him to say you'd like to have a chat before Saturday. His response will help you to decide if you should cancel or go on the date.

pilates Thu 17-May-18 08:19:23

I would give him a chance. Agree some people are manic texters and others cba. Unless I have something specific to say I wouldn’t just text for a chat.

Bluntness100 Thu 17-May-18 08:22:48

I think there is a difference between good communication and constant communication. You need the latter, texting daily is fine. Basically you're making small talk with a stranger. You haven't even met yet.

So calm down, go for the date. And stop the need for him to respond fast and constantly to keep your interest, he's asked you out. He has a life. He doesn't need to be constantly texting a near stranger.

As such, I think you're being overly needy. He may be a lovely guy an someone you get on well, but this need for constant validation he is interested and need for constant an immediate attention is doing you no favours.

Fundays12 Thu 17-May-18 08:23:27

I would go not everyone is obsessed with messaging people and he might be the best face to face communicator.

BastardMs Thu 17-May-18 08:26:39

I would cancel it. You see hear of so many women who've arranged dates through OLD and the blokes go quiet and then don't turn up. I'd not waste my time personally. It takes five seconds to tap out "looking forward to Saturday". Keep the sitter and go out with a friend!

RedWineAllMine Thu 17-May-18 08:27:57

I agree with PP. You're not in a relationship with him, so he doesn't need to text all the time. Plus you mentioned he was online on the site but hadn't text you all day, again he is allowed to do this as you guys aren't in a relationship. I think your looking too much into him not texting you back.
I'd definitely go because so far he hasn't really done anything wrong, and he is worth a chance, because you just never know! Plus he might hate texting. Suggest a phone call if that's what you would like and see what he says.

Perfectway Thu 17-May-18 08:29:16

I would speak on the phone first to suss him out a bit more. Also I would never do a Saturday night for a first date especially if it involves taxis and new outfits as I have known on sight someone is not my type and then it’s hard to get away. If you are not sure about him why not just meet for a coffee some other time?

Whatshallidonowpeople Thu 17-May-18 08:31:08

You sound too precious and demanding. He is probably not for you.

LiteraryDevil Thu 17-May-18 08:40:23

I did suggest a phone call. I see it as a good indication that he's just crap at communicating. Taking 8 hours to reply is rude.

BastardMs Thu 17-May-18 08:42:28

For what it's worth OP I don't think you sound precious or demanding in the slightest! If he's online on the dating site then he's got five seconds to type ten words to you. I wouldn't arrange something with a friend, let alone a potential date, and not send a quick text as it got near to the day.

VeganCow Thu 17-May-18 08:43:08

Couldnt be doing with all this texting. In the days before mobiles, people would make a date and not keep ringing each other in the days before the date. Why do you need to keep texting him? Surely if things move on, and you like each other and have 'the exclusivity chat', you will both come off the app, and texting will become the norm then, not now?

diddl Thu 17-May-18 08:44:38

Part of me thinks that now the date is arranged, why the need/want to keep texting?

Meet up, see how you get on.

What are you texting about?

Just day to day stuff that doesn't need an answer?

You sound too full on to me.

VladmirsPoutine Thu 17-May-18 08:45:15

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. You seem very intense about it and he's probably not for you. I couldn't deal with a date that wanted constant interaction and counted the hours in-between text messages.

DerelictWreck Thu 17-May-18 08:48:44

Hang on - you haven't even met yet and you're annoyed if he doesn't text you everyday?!

sonjadog Thu 17-May-18 08:49:26

It does sounds like you two might not be suited. I hate constant texting and the demands it makes on my time, but for some it seems to be really important. It sounds like you will end up getting frustrated with him if he isn´t a constant texter, so maybe you are better off pulling out of the date.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo Thu 17-May-18 08:50:13

Taking 8 hours to reply is rude.

In your opinion. I wouldn't think this at all. I'm not a prolific texter and often my friends and I will leave it days between replying to texts. If I needed a response within a certain timeframe then I would telephone.

You seem determined to cancel, which is fine. You are not obliged to go on the date. But I do think your expectations with communication are perhaps a bit more intense than most people. Hopefully you can find someone who feels the same way.

ChasedByBees Thu 17-May-18 08:52:22

I wouldn’t think taking 8 hours to reply is in the slightest bit rude. It’s entirely normal.

burnoutbabe Thu 17-May-18 08:53:02

i agree with not too much texting after arranging the thing (and i thing a Sat night dress up first date is a BAD idea, too much expectation - a Sat lunch or coffee meet much more casual and less expectations)

If you are texting all the time, it means not so much to say when you meat and also much more disappointment if its just a pleasant time.

I would text Friday morning to confirm all still on for the weekend (or ask some question about some aspect to not look like you think they may have cancelled).

In fact when i did OLD we'd agree a time to meet and a rough location but maybe not the exact spot. therefore you HAD to speak the same day to confirm where you are meeting and not have that huge worry of them not confirming back on the day and wondering if still on or not and should you turn up or not.

Tobuyornot99 Thu 17-May-18 08:54:12

Off the point slightly but when I was old I'd never commit a valuable Saturday night to first date, if you meet for a half hour coffee first there's much less riding on it if you turn out to be incompatible, the pressure is off a bit. Perhaps suggest a more low key first meeting?

sadandtired1 Thu 17-May-18 08:54:23

Yabu.

Why do you still need to keep texting now a date is arranged?

I hate endless text chitchat for no reason whole I'd rather put my phone down and do other things.

What on earth are you texting about?

Even so - So what is he's on the dating site still? Maybe it's just logged on, and even if not he's still entitled to look for other dates.

My last DP didn't do the meaningless text chit chat thing and I loved it about him.

Go on the date or don't but if you gave the reason I'd think lucky escape if I was him!

CoupleOfPushBacks Thu 17-May-18 08:54:48

DONT GIVE THIE GUY A CHANCE!!

You'll only waste your time. I refuse to meet up with people who are "shit" texters. If he was interested he'd certainly be finding the time to text you.

8 hours gaps is ridiculous. An hour maybe but 8 hours?!! I'd have binned him off for that.

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