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To think we all have shit mothering moments?

(82 Posts)
Realisticpessimist Wed 16-May-18 18:59:21

I am making this post as I am thinking that surely someone else feels the same way. Perhaps a younger mother who has just had a new baby and feels like a failure, or even someone with older children like me who still makes mistakes, yet still feels ashamed and defective sometimes.

Originally, I thought I'd make less mistakes as my children got older. Instead, they are growing, changing and adapting, becoming little adults and I seem to messing up more and more.

My circle of friends are very 'well to do' and quite frankly bullshit everything. I'm the oddity of the group in the fact that I am not middle class, etc... and without stereotyping, these group of friends are different from other friends I have had.

They don't share if they are struggling, or if their baby kept them up all night. Or if their teenager is being moody, grumpy and disobedient. Instead they gloss over everything, saying all is perfect and well within their family homes.

And for some of them it may well be, but I am of the thought that at least one of them must be like me, messing up sometimes and just not admitting it.

I think I am a good mother, or at least I try to be, but sometimes I lose it. Today I arrived home from work to find piles of washing up from my 16 year old daughter who has no lessons or work on Wednesday's. After doing an 11 hour shift I was shattered, the sight of the washing up got my hackles up. Then when I opened the door going into the lounge, my daughter had decided to leave the very full bin up against the door instead of emptying it, meaning rubbish fell all over the floor. My daughter was lounging around on the sofa, watched me pick up the rubbish and boom, I lost it. Shouted "are you just going to sit there and watch me pick up this fucking rubbish?!"

I apologised after. We spoke. She said sorry for not doing the washing up and leaving the bin near the door.

So yes, I fucked up and I'm not proud. But I refuse to believe I am the only mother who has lost it, screamed or shouted at her children. Day to day I definitely don't, but God there have been moments where I'm so overwhelmed I do just lose it.

I know I'm an adult and should know better, but even I have my breaking points.

Then there were the things that happened with my kids when they were babies.

One time my daughter's father put her on the changing table and she rolled off. Another time it was the sofa. I fell asleep once in the lounge with my toddler and woke up to the toddler in the kitchen playing with the rubbish from the bin. Another time my daughter got hold of a washing up capsule, which I then had to prise from her mouth before she tried to chomp it down. And of course I've lost my children before, one time a shop having to go into lockdown because my two year old daughter was hiding in a shop cabinet because I took my eyes off for her two seconds.

Over the years, I have made so many mistakes. Yet my two children are now 16 and 13, well rounded and happy and I am proud of them.

So AIBU to think that the mistakes I've made, whilst not something to be proud of, are fairly mainstream? And that most parents have lost it during their years of parenting at least once?

I always try to be a better mother, but I feel like I surely can't be the only one who has fucked up multiple times.

I suppose I feel like there's a large pressure to be a perfect mother, whereas no one is and this pressure can be damaging. Especially to new, vulnerable young mums who are unsure and won't realise it's normal not to be perfect.

ConciseandNice Wed 16-May-18 19:05:35

I raise my hand to the ‘fucked up multiple times’. You do the best you can do. But you know what, it’s never enough. My adult children had a charmed life. Honestly they really did. Loving, stable home, financially secure, travelled the world as kids. They have told me now the times I have let them down. Honestly it hurts. A lot. But having spoken to friends I know that their lens is not mine and when my kids are parents they’ll understand and not be so mean. As long as you love them, feed them, make sure they are safe or are managing risk- then you are doing ok and you can feel safe in the knowledge that you are doing your best. Fuck ups happen even when you don’t know they happened! Apparently!

zinger Wed 16-May-18 19:09:48

No one is perfect, I've messed up loads during the last 17 years. I think it's good for the kids to see in a way, shows your human.

WeWere0nABreak Wed 16-May-18 19:13:38

I screamed at my 2 year old yesterday. She was being so naughty and I'd been up all night being sick whilst trying to breastfeed a newborn who never sleeps - but that's no excuse. Her little face when it crumpled and she sobbed for daddy will never leave me - she was scared of me sad

She'd forgotten it 1 min later, but I never will, and I will take a minute to breathe the next time. Bath time isn't as important as my daughter's trust in me! Definitely we all make mistakes.

icelolly99 Wed 16-May-18 19:15:18

Yep, me too; all sounds completely usual to me. Why can't people be more honest with each other about this IRL? I think I'm quite good at being 'real' with my close friends about everday life!

gamerwidow Wed 16-May-18 19:19:11

We all do things wrong what’s important is that we learn and try to do better next time.
Noone is perfect but as long as your intentions are good and you get it right most of the time you’re doing ok.

thecatsabsentcojones Wed 16-May-18 19:19:28

I hate this glossing over thing. Everything is perfect, the children are angels - we've all seen it and it's bullshit. Get beneath the veneer and it's all going on.

You're doing fine, motherhood is exhausting and tough. Nobody does it 100% perfectly.

luckiestgirl Wed 16-May-18 19:19:43

Oh that’s all normal normal normal. Please don’t worry. You’re only worrying about it because your friends dont talk about that stuff. My friends are open about that sort of stuff all the time. You’re just a human doing your best. Be kind to yourself.

PukousMucous Wed 16-May-18 19:20:11

Well I think if you can list all your mistakes in one post you're doing well. I fuck up numerous times a day, not in a big way but often.

And if people ask I usually say I'm fine, not to lie so much but because one of my ways of coping is to not relive all the times I cocked up. Even with close friends if I can make it look like I've got the show on the road it can help me keep my shit together.

Afonavon Wed 16-May-18 19:20:59

I have lost my children in supermarkets

Both have rolled off the bed as babies.

DD landed head first on the road as two month old when I dropped her.

DH slammed the boot down on DD’s head when she was eight.

I used sarcasm a lot when DD was small, which wasn’t a great idea. She has ASD and confused her no end (she wasn’t diagnosed at the time).

Turnocks34 Wed 16-May-18 19:22:07

God yes. I am struggling with my four year old son. I really advocate, or thought I did, a more gentle parenting. But he’s so fucking cheeky. I don’t hit but I shout and he does get sat on the bottom stair.

I have never let him get away with anything, but I have friends who constantly gush about how well behaved their pre schools are and mine is such a handful at times I wonder if I’m doing or have done something wrong.

My nearly two year old won’t stop breastfeeding. I need to be forceful and go cold turkey with him but it’s so hard when I know that at 2am a quick feed will mean another 5 hours of uniteruppted sleep, compared to hours of crying and shouting ‘mama milk mama milk’. I resent it.

I don’t give my all to my job, I’m too tired most days to teach every lesson effectively so I don’t. I’m then too tired to be a brilliant mum. I feel like I paid along being an average teacher, an average mum, definitely an average (soon to be) wife, and I’m fucking exhausted. Despite he fact I’m not excellent at anything I have nothing left to give at the end of the day.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a shit storm rant 😳

Elementtree Wed 16-May-18 19:23:50

Yes, I think we do, inevitably, fuck up on occasion. Failing and then mopping up the aftermath and continuing to try to be better is an important life lesson for kids though.

Imagine being a perfect parent and never having to say sorry and never having to put yourself back together and then change your approach. Now, how the hell are kids meant to follow that act? Are they to be perfect too? Surely it's more important to see that people are fallible and the world doesn't need to fall apart?

Turnocks34 Wed 16-May-18 19:24:13

Oh and my kids always look like shit. Always. Every fucking night I iron their clothes, an hour after wearing them they are filthy, they look so dishevelled. My good friend has two children the same age who always look immaculate. Clean.

I also haven’t washed my hair for a week. I only ever wash my face with baby wipes. Today I forgot to brush my teeth.

BitchQueen90 Wed 16-May-18 19:24:19

Yep, lost my temper with 4yo DS the other day because he would not stop going on about wanting sweets/biscuits/chocolate crap even after I'd said no a million times. Shouted at him to just be quiet. He cried and I said sorry and we had a hug.

When he was a baby he fell off the bed and out of his bouncer.

I've been a single mum since he was 10 months old. It's hard and I have my moments. Somebody I vaguely know who works at our local shop told me before that I was doing a brilliant job with him and what a lovely boy he is. It's nice to hear other people say things like that when I doubt myself.

katmarie Wed 16-May-18 19:25:07

My ds fell off the sofa today, he's 4 months old. He screamed the place down, and my heart broke for him. It happens, you really do feel shit about it. But the way I see it, it would be a bigger problem if you didn't feel shit about it. If you didn't care that would be a much bigger sign of a problem, than the occasional fuck up due to tiredness, distraction, confusion, being overly emotional, trying to do a million things at once. You try and do your best, and accept that you're only human. If nothing else it's an opportunity to teach your kids what a genuine apology should look like!

WheelyCote Wed 16-May-18 19:30:18

Oh yes quite a few, pleasedtheyve made it to 16 and 18...not sure how that happened

Oly5 Wed 16-May-18 19:34:24

Yes constantly. I am a shouty mother and I never thought I would be. But they drive me nuts.

pallisers Wed 16-May-18 19:35:34

I wouldn't have apologised for shouting at her about the bin in the first place OP tbh - seems like a fairly reasonable response.

My friends are a mixture of all classes but mostly fairly well-off and we complain about our kids and tell war stories about our parenting all the time. It is the only way to get through the teen years. I don't know anyone who doesn't have some shit to get through and some mistakes made.

ChilliMum Wed 16-May-18 19:40:06

Me too. They have been dropped as babies, lost in stores and I have lost my rag more times than I want to remember. I'm only human and so are they. No-one is perfect and they know that. We talk it through and hug it out afterwards.

bumpertobumper Wed 16-May-18 19:41:20

A good enough mother is good enough

MissWilmottsGhost Wed 16-May-18 19:45:52

Oh god I fuck up loads blush

When all is calmed down we sit down for a chat and a cuddle and discuss what went wrong and apologise for any shouting.

Everyone makes mistakes, it's how we handle the aftermath that is important. I want DD to know it is ok to fuck up now and then, that people who love each other can forgive mistakes.

I don't want her to think she has to be perfect.

So I lead by example grin

Mousefunky Wed 16-May-18 19:48:02

They sound like stepford wives. Nothing and no one is perfect nor is it good all of the time. We all have shit LIFE moments so of course we all have shit parenting moments too.

HellenaHandbasket Wed 16-May-18 19:50:12

I fuck up all the time. Am not really a sharer though so am more likely to not discuss stuff with others.

PuppetOnAString Wed 16-May-18 19:57:43

I fuck up all the time. I’m sure I end up yelling more than I should (I dont intend to yell at all), because they won’t just get in the sodding car or put their shoes on or just leave the house and we end up late for school. It’s exasperating.

I’ll never forget my eldest rolling off the bed or the times we’ve lost them. It’s imprinted on my brain.

I hope they know how much I love them, I tell them and cuddle them all the time.

LegallyBrunet Wed 16-May-18 19:59:38

God I fuck up loads with my stepson... and he isn’t even mine! The worst was when I took him to the toilet in a restaurant and didn’t realise he’d taken his shoes off, so when I pulled his trousers back up he slipped, lost his balance and smacked his face off the floor. Thankfully nothing was broken but there was a lot of blood and I can still hear his scream. He was crying, I was crying, my MIL was crying because I was so obviously upset over it... I don’t think my OH knew who to calm down first

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