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In thinking she was goading me?

(30 Posts)
wallyfeatures Wed 16-May-18 18:39:58

Met up with some acquaintances for coffee and chat. Not hard and fast friends but a group together by circumstances and geography. Today it seemed that everything I said was contradicted by another attendee. For example, we talked about holidays and I mentioned that I was doing a long-haul this year without the children. She then pipes up about how she could never leave her children behind and had given up a chance for a big holiday when her children were little. Conversation then moved on and there was chatting about work-related stress. I mentioned that my husband had suffered an episode last year. She then starts talking about how she doesn't know where all this stress that everyone is suffering from has come from as it didn't exist ten years ago, and when she hears that someone is stressed at work she doesn't believe it. So then near the end of the meetup we were talking about supermarkets and the opening of a new budget one nearby. I was saying how good it was and how the prices were really reasonable and the fruit and veg offerings good - and guess what? She wouldn't go near that supermarket and she would rather pay a higher price and get better quality. She was, of course, talking out her arse as this supermarket as well as stocking budget options also offers organic and such like ranges and often comes out top in blind-testings. It just felt like she was out to disagree with me. What do you think? Am I overthinking it? I've never had anything like this with her before, in fact with anyone. I'm quite easy-going and happy go lucky. I gritted my teeth and did not bite but it is now making me think about not attending any more meetups because it feels like she's out to undermine me.

NeedForBlossom Wed 16-May-18 18:42:17

Just smile and nod and carry on as you were.

Don't stop going if it's one person and you enjoy everyone else's company.

Sparklesocks Wed 16-May-18 18:43:27

She sounds exhausting! Any chance she’s just quite negative?

The stress thing is complete rubbish, people have always been stressed only how there’s more of an effort to talk about it and tackle it.

If it’s just a one off maybe she’s just having a bad day, but if it continues maybe stop seeing her 1 on 1.

Sparklesocks Wed 16-May-18 18:44:14

Sorry I meant don’t let her have 1 on 1 convos with you, steer it back to others in the group.

wallyfeatures Wed 16-May-18 18:46:25

She was just so negative but it all seemed to be aimed at me, little insignificant me. It's put me right off. The others are quite sweet but I wouldn't be devastated if I had to knock the meetups on the head. I might attend next time and keep a watching brief. I started to keep a score card in my head today. Maybe I could think up 3 or 4 things to bring up next time and see how she scores, whilst also seeing if she is negative to the others. Although I didn't notice anyone else copping it today.

RadiantResults Wed 16-May-18 18:47:48

Start making outlandish statements and say 'im sure you agree hyacinth'. She'll soon stop.

wallyfeatures Wed 16-May-18 18:49:01

I was thinking of channeling Mrs Brown's Boys with a 'that's nice dear', but thought it might be a bit obvious.

wallyfeatures Wed 16-May-18 18:51:26

She might not get the Hyacinth reference as she's not a Brit. Actually, thinking about it, I wonder if there is a racial element to it. All the people there today are from the same part of the world, apart from me. The only other people similar culturally are away so maybe she was a bit annoyed that I was there to disrupt the meeting in that way. I maybe never noticed before because this is the first time we have been monocultural (apart from me). Or maybe she doesn't doesn't like me - oooer!

wallyfeatures Wed 16-May-18 18:51:49

But the others are sweet as.

Mannix Wed 16-May-18 18:53:37

You say this is the first time it's happened so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was having a bad day?

wallyfeatures Wed 16-May-18 18:55:33

Maybe Mannix. Or maybe it's been lost in the crowd as it were. I'll see what happens next time.

Dieu Wed 16-May-18 18:57:08

She sounds like an unhappy, insecure person, and this is reflected in her need to be contrary. This isn't about you at all OP, so don't take it personally, but rather it's about her projecting her shit onto you.

ConciseandNice Wed 16-May-18 18:57:20

It could be (and I say this as someone who did it once) she didn’t realise she was doing it? It does sound exhausting. I found out that whenever I was with this one particular person, who i actually really liked, I ended up sounding relentlessly negative about things she was saying. I can honestly say I never meant to or even realised. She then said something really mean and passive aggressive to me which brought me up sharp. I didn’t look at her the same way again and we stopped speaking. I thought her really mean. I honestly didn’t know. I’m not usually like that. So maybe it’s something you bring out in her and she doesn’t know?

LemonysSnicket Wed 16-May-18 18:57:43

Well it sounds like you’re normal and she’s just a bigot and a snob!

TheBogWitchIsBack Wed 16-May-18 19:00:36

Some people are very very odd and they like to be contrary for the sake of it. As soon as you say you like something, they will declare they hate it and vice versa.
I think it comes from jealousy or some deep seated dissatisfaction about something.
I've known a few people like this over the years and none of them were very happy people.

Dieu Wed 16-May-18 19:01:48

If this is a newly established group, then she is also clearly trying to mark her place in the pecking order. Like she will be the strong, wise one by offering all her unwanted opinions. hmm

wallyfeatures Wed 16-May-18 19:09:57

It's a fine theory Dieu, but thinking about it, all the people there today have known each other for a very long time as they were expats together in another country. But maybe she is trying to put me in my place? I have to say though, the others have been nothing but welcoming and sweet. I am very aware of not being a noisy talkative person and always try to leave spaces for others to talk, or bring them into the conversation, or just shut my mouth for a bit thinking 'I've talked enough, now it is someone else's turn'.

Nesssie Wed 16-May-18 19:12:53

She’s either so self absorbed she doesn’t realise she’s doing it or a complete snob!
I bet the other members noticed it and were internally rolling their eyes!

happypoobum Wed 16-May-18 19:13:37

It sounds to me like she is jealous of you OP.

Dieu Wed 16-May-18 19:13:50

That's because you have more self-awareness and tact in your wee finger, than she has in her whole body!

mellicauli Wed 16-May-18 19:14:16

My Mum's a bit like this - she enjoys a bit of controversy. Start your conversations by asking her opinion rather than giving yours. If you want a bit of fun, you can disagree with her.

(PS She's probably jealous if you are going long haul without the kids this summer..I know I am !)

Trilogy18 Wed 16-May-18 19:18:19

OP you need to draw up a bingo card and every time she contradicts you just take it out of your bag without comment and mark a cross in a square.

Eventually she will have to ask and you can just tell her what you are doing in a very matter of fact way. I suspect that will put a stop to it!

wallyfeatures Wed 16-May-18 19:22:49

Getting lots of ideas here, thank you people!

Maybe it is an idea to ask for her opinion first, and then suss out whether to chip in with anything or not. Bit of a pain having to think about everything before opening mouth though (I'm guarded enough as it is!)

Don't be jealous mellicauli! We have had hardly any time away from the children as we have no close family nearby. This is only the second time away from the little ones, and it is to celebrate a big anniversary. I would rather have a couple of nights as a couple more frequently than big holidays, but it makes economic sense for family to visit for longer periods of time. But we chose this life so no complaints from me grin

Do you reckon happypoobum? But she seems to have such a lovely life. I'm very average and ordinary in comparison.

Nesssie you could be right there. I'm going to be a heck of a lot more observant next time. I do hate the politics of it all. Or maybe she was just having a bad day, like someone suggested earlier on.


wallyfeatures Wed 16-May-18 19:23:58

Trilogy I would love to do that, but I think it might start up a riot. It will be a mental scorecard only.

wallyfeatures Wed 16-May-18 19:26:24

Thank you everyone for being a sounding board. Husband is away again and I needed adults to whinge at! I have to sign off now as the littlest one is still awake despite it being an hour and a half since official bedtime. Best go and do some parenting.

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