MIL stress re a new baby(20 Posts)
Hi all, I'm afraid this might be a long one...
My and DH's relationship with MIL isn't the best, she is very demanding of him (only child of a single mum, she relies on him for a lot) but totally ungrateful for all he does and very manipulative if she doesn't get her own way. We rarely argue but if we do it's mostly about her and her need to control our lives.
We currently have one DS (2) and another on the way. I'm determined that when D day comes, my DM will be the one to come and stay with DS. She has looked after him more than MIL and frankly I just trust her more, also she is retired and therefore more flexible. However she is only holiday for a week, returning 11 days before my due date. I wasn't really worried about it (nothing I can do to change it now!) until a friend had her baby 4 weeks early and now I'm winding myself up about it. There are other family members I would prefer to ask but they are further away than MIL and also I don't really think I can broach this without really hurting DH.
I know that she's his mum, loves DS a lot and has a right to time with him but my main worries are:
1. she would want to come in to meet the new DC with DS and I really really want him to be the first to meet the baby on his own. She is likely to go in a total huff if she's told she can't come in, she has form for this!
2. if she was there when we came home from the hospital we would struggle to get her to leave. I know my DM would see we were settled, had everything we need then head off but MIL would want to stay at least one night if not longer to 'help' and given the type of help given with DS arrived (literally only willing to hold him so we could do other stuff, no offer of doing anything else when I was feeding etc) I'm not too keen on that. With DS we said no overnight visitors for the first couple of weeks and despite being the closest family member she was really angry about this.
I know I sound awful for not wanting her involved but there is so much history of her causing problems, essentially throwing tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants, that I'm getting myself in a total stress. We had a conversation this morning that makes me think she's already suggested something about being the one the nursery know for an emergency pick up and it really worries me that it's started this early (5 months to go).
Feel free to tell me IABU and I need to stop overthinking it please!
Point 1) is that big a deal if she brings DS to hospital and DH asks her to wait for 5 min while your son meets her?
Point 2) your DH tells her to go home. Politely obviously.
I’m saying her assuming you’re having a girl! By her I mean baby.
For no 1 you are being unreasonable for no2 tell your DH he must man up and tell her to leave for you will do it less politely.
Not sure what to say except unless no one else can get him it looks like Mil.
We had no one to collect dd when other was born, frantic calls to neighbours!!
I think you will have to to grin and bear it. Sat your dm is a doing it but will let Mil know if you need her.then I would ask dh to honest..
Firstly you are very unlikely to go into labour early. For perspective, your mum is away for 7 days starting 18 days before DD so it’s likely she’ll be back in plenty of time.
You are going to make yourself ill if you stress about this for the next five months.
Just adopt a nod and smile approach to your mil.
Next time she mentions Nursery emergency pick up either just say, plenty of time to sort that out or tell her that if she needs to pick DS up while you’re in labour you just have to give her a code word on the day which Nursery will be given too (that’s how it works at ours).
If she starts on about looking after DS then just say that if she’s needed, you will be straight on the phone.
It’s not promising her she’ll be number 1 but it isn’t getting into a row about why she isn’t number 1.
You need to enlist some dm's from nursery!! Most will be willing to help in a birth crisis!! Once when we had a funeral and nobody to have dd, she went all day at nursery and teacher took her to her house afterwards!!
Whoever has your dc will probably want to meet the baby if they are bringing your dc in for you? If you want to avoid it get your dh to collect him.
Really try not to worry about it.
Tell MIL that your mum is having DS when your in labour but if your mum is unwell or unavailable then she will be next in line.
Tell her no-one will be allowed in the hospital, not even your mum then she can't kick off.
Be firm and united with DH in your rules. Don't worry, having the baby 11 days early is fairly unusual! 😊
I don't think yabu but maybe worrying unnecessarily.
I have had similar issues although my Mil is fantastic. (Dm is my problem)
Dh and I came back from hospital and then he collected sibling(s). This meant I had time to recover a little and my dcs were able to meet the new addition in a familiar environment which was much easier to manage. Could that be an option?
As for nursery/emergency you don't need to have a firm plan yet but I would check the policy. Ours is a password but that can be sorted on the day if need be.
I’m sure you are worrying needlessly.
Do you have a friend you could ask? I looked after my friend’s wee girl when she had no 2 even though family were nearby.
I think YAB a bit U about the meeting the baby thing. When we had DC2, my DM was looking after DD1 at our house. When we got back from the hospital (discharged 4 hours after birth) my mum, MIL, FIL, my DF and his partner were all waiting at our house with DD1! Everyone met the baby at the same time, it was fine. With regards to her staying too long, you’d need to enlist your DH to say ‘we need some peace and quiet to settle in at home now mum’.
I think that you are overthinking this op. Totally understand why you are though.
You are almost certainly worrying unneccesarily, but here's your 'tactic'
'DH, I am really definite on keeping your mum OUT of the practical arrangements around the birth. You know what she is like - you know that if she's there eg to drop off DS it will be a battle to make her give us the space we need and I so much don't want to fall out with her around the birth - it would be awful for her as well as us. Not fair on her as we both know she won't be able to back off and it will just put us in the position of having to chase her away and she'll get upset. Let's not do that. And, to be honest I really don't know how I'm going to feel straight afterwards and if she tries to push it right after I've given birth I will probably not be the most gentle with her.
I would rather we both manage her so that there is not a row or bad feeling, and let's do it in a way that doesn't make her feel excluded, but she needs to not be involved at that point or there WILL be bad feeling.'
Tantrums aside is she kind? Would she take care of your Ds should you go into labour early? Because if there's nobody else then she will have to do.
I do think you sound a little bit mean spirited in all honesty and bit peevish. I'm sure your MIL has picked up on that you really don't care for her and maybe that's why she's the way she is. Maybe.
You're overthinking ... BUT
You make the rules. Tell nursery the rules and tell them she has no right to change them
Set your boundaries now and don't wobble just be strong
Your baby will come when it's ready so keep MIL on side as you don't want to ruin your relationship and it would be sad if she wasn't second on the list (unless she's dangerous for your child)
Try not to fret just make rules and tell your DH it's not for discussion and except foe you and him
Thanks all. I know I’m probably worrying unnecessarily but DS was 5 days early so it’s preying on my mind.
Re DS meeting the baby, I know if we’re discharged quickly, everyone in the house is likely to the little one at the same time but if he comes into the hospital I really do think it’s important that he’s the first one to meet his brother or sister. Asking her to stay outside just for 5 minutes really could be a big deal - some days she would just accept it, another day it could be viewed as enough of a snub to threaten to end her relationship with us all and you just never know!
Tbh I’m really close to my mum and know I would be far more at ease knowing she was at home and would probably feel really sad if she was out of the country. Such a child!
You hold all the cards, call her bluff. If she threatens to cut contact take the manipulative cow at her word and let her do it. SHE loses out and she won’t do it or’s just manipulation to make you dance to her tune. Never back down l, ignore tantrums, let her have her huff at the end of the day she will be the one missing her grandchildren. My mil is so similar, her latest trick is to invent/play up illnesses and ask DH to take her to hospital. He shuts her down and she has learned that isn’t working, before that it was wanting to visit his dad’s plaque at the crematorium where she’d sit for hours. She wanted DH to feel guilty he takes her but has a half hour limit as she sat for 3 hours once talking at us. If she sta S it’s a bloody military operation tonget her to fuck off back home. Last Boxing Day we practically had to lift her out. We go back to work 27th so needed to get ourselves sorted out.
Again DO NOT GIVE IN as she’ll use manipulation all the time. When she threatens cutting you off, shrug and say ‘oh well that’s a shame have a nice life’ as you are too busy to pander to the daft mare!
Tell her the bit about your son meeting your new child is nOn negotiable, she waits outside for 5 mins or your DH collects your child from her and she stays put and waits longer
Please do not to worry about an early birth, however, I was in your exact same position many years ago. My first was emergency C section and my second was not long after so I was booked in for another C section. My own parents lived 300 odd miles away so MIL was drafted in to help, which I appreciated.
However after the birth my (then, now ex) H brought my son along with my MIL and stepdaughter for the first visit. To say it was a disaster would be the worlds greatest understatement! My poor little boy ran out of the hospital room and wouldn't come back.
He was quite poorly while I was in hospital and when I got home almost a week later I found him in a 24,hour old nappy, he had snot all over his face and encrusted up his left arm and for months, yes, months, all he would say to me was 'no'.
It was so traumatic for him and me, I could not enjoy my new baby and he actually, at two years old, scratched her face. They are in their late 20's now and don't have much of a relationship but obviously the greatest impact was on him.
Ironically, MIL used to tell me he was a sensitive soul! 😟
Please be strong and follow your instincts. Protect your little one.
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