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To have the fucking rage with DH

(150 Posts)
hungryhippo90 Thu 10-May-18 21:41:31

So ok, I’m working on myself at the moment. Trying to regain some confidence. I finally gained confidence to try and get back to work, We’ve got a business but I don’t generate any actual income from it, there’s just my drawings from the business, that go into our joint account and that’s the end of it.

DH has been pressuring me into going into his line of work, I would be good, I provide some support to him at work, I generally take over the reigns if I feel I can.

I’d started to believe him that I could do this.

Then, I’d booked myself into training he has told me I should do for 3 years! Yes., 3 long years!

Broken down into a 3 day and 2 day split for this qualification that’ll mean I can actually earn some money.

First time he was supposed to be helping pick up and drop off DD from school, he picks and chooses where and when he works. He left it until a week before to tell me he had secured himself a little contract some 2 hours away so no chance at all of him. Being able to do school run, so he called his mum, who is brilliant and jumped straight into granny mode, DD stayed with her for a few days, she was open to helping this week, he said no, no I have to prove my point, I’m a father! I am capable of looking after my offspring.

He then gleefully told me today he had arranged to work from home so he could excel at “dad duties”
Fine. At least he’s taking it seriously.

He phoned me 20 minutes before after school club was finished, he wanted help to write up a contract for someone he worked with 2 years ago- he needs help so turned up at our door, hasn’t spoken to him since they stopped working tovether, but that’s not the point.

I said, you NEED to leave to get DD. You won’t make it in time. He left our house 3 minutes before after school club kicked out. It’s a half hour drive.

I called the school and one of the office ladies was concerned that DH mentioned he was working from home but refused to cancel DDs space and now he was late and didn’t even bother to call, but there I was on the phone fairly hysterical because they were supposed to be shut, I am 2.5 hours away and he just had one thing to do.

I’ve now just had a text saying DD won’t be in bed till 10pm tonight.

I am fucking raging. One day. One day. He doesn’t see what’s wrong.

wellBeehivedWoman Thu 10-May-18 21:56:31

He's being a fud and needs to get a grip. He doesn't get to decide that your DD isn't the priority when it suits him.

Clutterbugsmum Thu 10-May-18 21:56:49

Nothing wrong with him, He just doesn't want to.

He doesn't want you to work outside the home. He wants you to stay in the spot he decided is yours. And looking after DD is YOUR job.

Fruitcorner123 Thu 10-May-18 21:59:05

I found it quite hard to follow this but yes he sounds useless. how old is she and why won't she be in bed until 10? and why has he texted you to tell you this?

madeyemoodysmum Thu 10-May-18 21:59:08

I agree with clutter bugs

hungryhippo90 Thu 10-May-18 22:03:32

Sorry fruitcorner- I’m knackered- not that I make much sense the best of times! I’ve been up since 4am, I’m really drained

I felt like this was his way of sabotaging me, I want to feel better About me. I wanna have some extra money for us, but it doesn’t seem like it’s meant to be, it’s not even that though, how could he think it’s ok to just leave DD waiting like that? I can’t believe his actions today.

OfficerVanHalen Thu 10-May-18 22:03:52

I really feel for you because this is in a way worse than if he point blank refused to help or support you - at least then you could have an argument about how infair that is. But when someone is all yeah yeah look at me i’m so supportive with their words, but totally contradicts this with their actions, it makes it that much harder because it turns you into the big meanie picking fault with poor dh who is just trying his best. I would bet a pound to a penny he has form for this sort of thing and immediately turns every argument about anything into a dynamic where you’re being horrible and he is just a victim. I have no advice unfortunately but you might want to read this book: www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Passive-Aggressive-Man-Personality-Aggression/dp/0671870742/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforum-21 as a start to assure yourself that it’s not you, it’s him. Good luck

Audree Thu 10-May-18 22:11:17

He’ll learn. Give him a chance. When possible let him deal with the consequences.
I would not call the school to announce them he’s late.
If dd is in bed at 10, let him deal with her the next morning. I agree it’s not ideal for your dd, but she’ll be fine. They’ll both be fine and he probably won’t repeat the mistake.
My reaction is the same as yours and I tend to micromanage dh when he’s in charge of the house, but in retrospective I should let it go most of the time.

SandyY2K Thu 10-May-18 22:12:16

I understand your rage, but am concerned that he pressured you into this training.

You should do it because you want to, not purely to help him.

I know this isn't the point of your thread, but I see a lot of wives helping in the business that is solely in their husbands name...then when they split up...it's not so straightforward for her. Make sure you're a partner and seek adequate legal advice.

Very annoying about him not picking her up on time though. I feel your rage.

ReanimatedSGB Thu 10-May-18 22:36:41

One mistake could just be a mistake, two in a row sounds more like sabotage of some kind. I wonder if he wants you working for him but in a way that makes it pretty clear that he is the engine driver and you are the oily rag - and if you were to get this qualification, he would have to treat you as competent and professional rather than 'Oh, my wife helps out a bit.'

Were you quite confident before you met him, or before you had DC? Some men simply can't stand the idea of a woman, particularly their partner, being smarter or more competent than they are, so they set about destroying their partner's confidence while pretending they are supportive.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Thu 10-May-18 22:38:53

It's deliberate sad

redexpat Fri 11-May-18 07:08:12

Yep you cant trust him. It's sabotage to keep you in your place. Don't allow him to.

hungryhippo90 Thu 17-May-18 07:35:24

Thank you all, I just wanted to update quickly, I passed my training. I have interviewed this week. There is a business who are very interested in me, but are unsure as to where I would actually sit, as I originally wanted to work as a trainee site manager, but it seems that my skills and experience align me more with the role of an assistant. They are very interested in having their first female in this area of the company. It seemed like I had a job in the bag from thhe interview yesterday..... I am so excited.

He is very unhappy, hes told me hes unsure, hes even more unsure, hes telling me to hold out for more money, he thinks a different company would be better for me, and that I shouldnt work for them, hes now moved on to taking the piss out of the companies name.

the real kicker, he interviewed for this company, even with his experience a few years ago he was second choice as assistant site manager, they eventually got back to him because it hadnt worked out with their first choice, and he accepted, but hated it there and left within a week. He then did some freelance work on another site of theirs and kicked himself for not staying with them.

I think its an amazing opportunity, its good money, the employer are interested in specifically having a woman work in the general area that I want to be in, they like me. I would have the ability to be on site from start to finish- which is an opportunity I have never had, and its literally 2 miles from our doorstep. Would I be U to take this for myself? Its the closest large building site to us, being there will allow me to leave the house after 7am, and definitely be home to pick DD up from after school club. I dont want the guilt of wasting hours driving to an from work, which may well happen if i hold out for another company.

I also like that I feel the changes that this company are willing to make, arent there already, so these changes can be made specifically for me. this feels like an amazing opportunity that I dont really want to pass up, even if DH is right, and I would be paid about 3k less a year than "the bigger lads" will pay.

Soubriquet Thu 17-May-18 07:50:51

Take the job

He clearly wants you to stay at home

If it doesn't work out, you can apply elsewhere but take the job

Rainboho Thu 17-May-18 07:55:31

Take the job. Do it for you.

He is one of those men who pretend to be encouraging, but hate the possibility you might do well or actually even ‘outshine’ them.

Also, you might be grateful of your own independent life and income as suspect you’re actually waking up to what he is really like..

PinkSquash Thu 17-May-18 07:55:38

Take the job if you want it, your 'D'H is trying to stop you. Stay firm, It sounds an amazing chance!

BlueSuffragette Thu 17-May-18 07:56:07

Well done you. Go for it. Will be good for you. DD will also see you working in something you enjoy. Good luck. DH needs to get used to some changes coming his way.

borlottibeans Thu 17-May-18 07:59:07

If you turn it down you can't ring up a week later and change your mind. If you take the job and realise it's not for you, you can leave. Career-wise it's a no brainer, and given the other circumstances it sounds like a very good idea to have an independent income of your own.

prettywhiteguitar Thu 17-May-18 07:59:22

Take it !!!!

GreasyFryUp Thu 17-May-18 07:59:25

Hope you get offered the position OP. It may be £ less but to have your work site so close to home would be great.

IMissGin Thu 17-May-18 08:00:10

TAKE THE JOB

Please, take the job.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 17-May-18 08:00:29

Go for it. Totally. Put it to H (I struggle with the D here for some reason) that it is your gateway into the industry and you will work your way up to join the "bigger lads" in due course. (And then don't, unless one of them is also on the doorstep. Apart from anything else, 3k is soon eaten up by travelling costs.)

Nannyplumssillyoldelf Thu 17-May-18 08:02:39

Take the job.

mamas12 Thu 17-May-18 08:04:15

You take the job and let him make his own mistakes and clear up after himself
You will be fine and hopefully in time he will too as when you're bringing in the money and you are all reaping the benefits of a happy fulfilled family after awhile he will wonder why the fear
If on the other hand you hate then you will reconsider your job, yes you and your job not his

Quartz2208 Thu 17-May-18 08:04:33

Take it

He sounds jealous and you can’t let that hold you back

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