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Daddy to dad

(172 Posts)
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Thu 10-May-18 02:37:51

My kids 10,9, 7.5 came home after the weekend (father just moved in with gf who wants a baby) and told me that their father had told them they were too old to refer to him as daddy and that other kids would make fun of them as they were too old.

Cue automatic claws out reflex from me.

This has come out of the blue- they’re very young for their age, he’s always been daddy but explained that they had to move to dad.

They’re upset. AIBU by thinking... well it’s a bit unreasonable. Ex still refers to his own father as daddy!

Kids are upset, I’m annoyed but don’t want to lose my temper if I’m being overly sensitive.

CowbellPopular Thu 10-May-18 23:39:46

OP, I totally understand that you are of course trying to do what's best for your kids - it's natural to leap into action when our kids are upset!

However, I personally don't feel that the text was helpful. I believe this could have been raised with ExH in a less judgey, less hostile manner. After all, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt them!

KevinTurvey Fri 11-May-18 00:00:01

Her shouting he's my daddy now is seriously fucked up and disturbing, not to mention the pink Daddy pants shock I wouldn't want to my kids to be anywhere near this weirdness. Have you spoken to him about this? Wtf is he doing?

TheBogWitchIsBack Fri 11-May-18 00:05:19

I still call my parents mummy and daddy. I'm 36! I didn't realise it was odd until I met my husband and he commented on it.
I didn't change though.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Fri 11-May-18 00:09:32

@KevinTurvey - until I am blue in the face. I'm lying, the kids are lying (even when they tell him themselves)... My mind would never even go to that place it's so bizarre.

He earns great money but she earns more money and he follows money. I keep on top of what can be done legally but I am restricted at this point, though for not of trying.

mathanxiety Fri 11-May-18 03:50:54

I think your text was fine.

You are dealing with someone who is prepared to throw his children and his relationship with them under the bus for the sake of his relationship with this woman.

You are absolutely right to be completely unambiguous and to make it clear that you are speaking up without fear on behalf of the girls.

KevinTurvey Fri 11-May-18 04:35:19

Jesus Christ! What a god awful situation to be in. Can you reduce contact at all? Is it Court Ordered? Sorry I'm a bit pissed!

MismatchedStripySocks Fri 11-May-18 07:58:32

I find it weird when DSD calls my DH ‘daddy’ and she’s 14. Less so the 8 year old. I reckon after primary school it starts to sound a bit childish.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Fri 11-May-18 10:11:39

So many pps are missing the point. It's the "He's my Daddy now" comment and leaving pink "Daddy" pants where the DC can find them which is hugely inappropriate. Our DC have no clue about our sex life because they're our DC. Even my adult ones.

channingtatumspecs Sun 13-May-18 08:32:46

@WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue * I think all of them are several years too old to be using mummy and daddy.*
Ffs the youngest is 7! "Several" years old and they'd have been what? 7,6 and 4? And that's too old to say mummy and daddy without being babyish? How ridiculous! I have a mature almost 9 year old that still goes along with (not sure believes) in the tooth fairy and Santa! She calls me Mumma never Mum
If she started calling me Mum off her own back that's fine but the issue is TELLING the young kids it's not ok and they're babyish and silly to do so- it's weird and I'd imagine my kids would be heartbroken if I said that to them

PrettyLovely Mon 14-May-18 09:41:19

I am going to go against the grain here but are you sure your kids couldnt have exaggerated what had happened with the Daddy comment and the boxers? Perhaps she was joking around with them and the Daddy boxers are from a fathers day present?
I think the kids are picking up on your hate for him and her,, Kids are really loyal to their mothers usually and if they know you hate her they might say bad things about her or exaggerate/twist events to make you feel better. My step child has in the past to please his mother as he picked up on her hate.

I believe this hes my daddy drama happened two years ago, Has anything happened since, It sounds like because you hate him so much you are trying to pick at anything possible to find fault, Surely if they were that bad this would happen all the time.
You werent there on either of these occasions you dont really know how things were worded and you dont really know what happens in his house.
The way you talk about him especially reffering to him as idiot shows alot of how you feel about him and you are projecting it onto your kids.

Celticrose Mon 14-May-18 10:20:42

I am 59 and had no idea until I joined mumsnet that this was even a thingblush however I still call my 90 year old DM mummy but have also used mum. I refer to her when with other people as my mother. Again something I just do not think about in the great scheme of things.

moodance Mon 14-May-18 12:36:01

@PrettyLovely totally agree!

myfriendbob Mon 14-May-18 13:01:20

No-one appears to have picked up on the fact that his wanker told his SEVEN year old that she was too old to call him dadd...but HE calls his own father daddy!

PrettyLovely Mon 14-May-18 14:18:34

But did he myfriendbob? Or was he talking to the eldest about it saying as op said he didnt want them to get picked on for it, Perhaps he got picked on for it as a kid and didnt want it to happen to his own kids.
I think the fact he said he didnt want them to get picked on for it sounds like he wasnt saying it to be horrible.
The whole thing sounds completely blown out of proportion, Op texting him saying he shouldn't have said it to them and that he has to make it up to them shows alot about the whole set up.
Its childish, She should have asked him what had happened about it in person casually, not blaming him before he had anything to say, But ASK, HOW was it said and to certainly not to tell him what to do.
It comes across as bossy and overbearing.

The kids are feeding off all of the negativity its not right.
I can tell you in my own experience when RIDICULOUS things were made up or exaggerated by my stepchild his Mum believed it all it only got worse, until he started lieing about her...
She now ASKS if he says anything and we do the same back, knowing he can play off both sets of parents..
With all this back and fourth of he said she said and Mum getting cross and messaging or moaning you get damaged children.
They only get one childhood learn to work as a team.

HappyLollipop Mon 14-May-18 14:27:56

My DSC (10 and 8) still refer to my DP as daddy personally I find it a little weird especially that the 10 year old still calls him daddy as I probably stopped referring to my parents as mummy and daddy at around age 7 or 8 but I would never dream of bringing it up, it's not my business (and neither is it to your ex new gf) as long as they are happy with it they should be able to call their dad anything they like!

DN4GeekinDerby Mon 14-May-18 15:42:02

I'm sorry your kids were put in this stressful and bizarre situation Bananas. As many others said, it seems like the GF's thing is messing with his head too which is one thing but upsetting the kids is quite another. The text is probably the best way to deal with their side along with being as reassuring as possible for the kids.

I think by 9-10, I mixed daddy, dad, and father depending my mood and the situation. As I got older, I tended to use father/mother more to others to show a distance particularly when I wasn't living or in contact with them. I don't recall them or anyone else making comments or making fun of me for it though I'm sure I annoyed more than a few adults with how I talked about them in a rather pointed-surly-teen manner even to the most innocent questions or assumptions.

irishmissie Wed 16-May-18 10:19:16

I still call my father daddy and I'm
35, and if my mother was still alive she would be mammy! I'm
Irish but now live in England but my ten year old calls me mummy and his dad daddy, when did we get to a point in life that determines what children should or should
Not call ones parents? I think the problem is with your oh not the kids

CheeseAndTomSandwich Wed 16-May-18 10:31:34

My eldest son is 12 and 75% of the time he calls me mummy. I don't mind it. All his younger siblings do too. I can still remember the day my mum said to me "I think you're too old to call me mummy now". Think I was 11 at the time and I'm 36 now. I won't ever say that to my kids.

ExpectingFirst Thu 17-May-18 17:20:16

I am 29 years old and I still call my parents mummy & daddy, mum and dad just didn't sound right to me! I have no shame in it whatsoever.

Mooneyes Thu 17-May-18 17:41:31

Ew, Ew, they've got a dd/lg thing going on, and clearly hearing his actual children call him Daddy is putting him off his stroke, both literal and metaphorical.

Gross. Wonder does he buy the gf teddies and tell her she's been a naughty girl. I once strayed into a bit of reddit inhabited by these people, and I honestly felt like I needed a shower afterward

Namelesswonder Thu 17-May-18 19:18:10

Some very strange comments on here! My 13 and 10 year olds still say Mummy and Daddy to our faces, as do all their friends. 10 year old still sometimes comes out with Mamma (shock, horror!) Although 13 yr old has started saying Mum and Dad to her friends. It’s a word, term, what does it matter what a child chooses to call a parent? The important thing is that they choose the word they feel comfortable with.

Minxmumma Thu 17-May-18 19:26:55

My exh did this with our twins and they were under 10 at the time. One progressed from daddy to dickhead quite quickly after hearing his mates call him that in a pub...... I laughed probably more than I should have. Sadly (I think possibly) they ended up nc as he couldn't stay sober long enough to be responsible for them.

My brood are 22, 2 @ 16 and 1 baby. All of them call me Mummy, and can as long as they wish to.

At 42 I still call my parents Mummy and Daddy. Just the way it is in our family.

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