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Daddy to dad

(172 Posts)
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Thu 10-May-18 02:37:51

My kids 10,9, 7.5 came home after the weekend (father just moved in with gf who wants a baby) and told me that their father had told them they were too old to refer to him as daddy and that other kids would make fun of them as they were too old.

Cue automatic claws out reflex from me.

This has come out of the blue- they’re very young for their age, he’s always been daddy but explained that they had to move to dad.

They’re upset. AIBU by thinking... well it’s a bit unreasonable. Ex still refers to his own father as daddy!

Kids are upset, I’m annoyed but don’t want to lose my temper if I’m being overly sensitive.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Thu 10-May-18 11:01:07

It should be their choice. I know a 13yo who still calls his mum "Mummy", I think it's sweet.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Thu 10-May-18 11:03:36

Y2 Gubbins?! shock Harsh. Poor boy. DS2's in Y2 and they all still say mummy and daddy.

blackteasplease Thu 10-May-18 11:03:38

I think they should be allowed to do what they choose.

Mine are 9 and 4 and call exh Dad or Daddy interchangeably. The little one sometimes uses his first name but more as a joke than anything else.

I had to fight my Mum so hard for the right to call her Mum and not Mummy when i was a teen!

blackteasplease Thu 10-May-18 11:06:24

Just read the update about the gf. That's seriously weird!

IRefuseToAgree Thu 10-May-18 11:40:18

This really doesn't matter. It's between him and the kids. It doesn't matter what other people think is ok or not it's up to him and the kids.

I'd keep completely out of it if I were you.

YearOfYouRemember Thu 10-May-18 11:53:22

Utterly ridiculous to dictate that someone can't call their parent mummy and daddy no matter their ages.

My kids are 12-17 and the oldest and youngest still call me mummy. The middle one calls me mother grin.

I'd be saying why is he not old enough to have to stop calling his father daddy but his younger than him kids are hmm.

Is this girlfriend led I wonder.

theLandslidebroughtmedown Thu 10-May-18 11:59:39

she's nuttier than a squirrel smothered in peanut butter

I've not RTFT yet but that actually made me LOL!

DD(13) calls us mummy/daddy (mum/dad in front of her friends). Growing up I would have thought she was weird but it's just who we are to her and what she wants to call us and I love it

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 10-May-18 12:07:14

What's MAOR?

A typo blush

should be MAJOR

DadDadDad Thu 10-May-18 12:24:16

Obviously, my username means I'm an expert on this topic. grin

It never occurred to me to tell my children when to switch from Daddy to Dad - it's just a natural thing they pick up from siblings and (presumably) schoolfriends. I wouldn't criticise them for either word.

BurningGubbins Thu 10-May-18 12:34:35

PerfectlySymmetrical yep, but this was in the 80s so perhaps a different time, but it’s something that has stuck in my memory. And he really did stick out as being the only one who still said mummy. This was in South Wales, just to add to that part of the thread!

BurningGubbins Thu 10-May-18 12:38:34

Thinking about it, perhaps it was a level of independence thing. By Y2 (J2 in old money) the vast majority of the class were walking to and from school alone. You didn’t really see parents at the school, even those that came by car would walk to the car where their parents would be waiting.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Thu 10-May-18 14:05:23

Having read the update: bleurgh. Some weird incest fantasy going on there.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Thu 10-May-18 14:09:31

Times have changed Gubbins. DD's only allowed to walk home from school alone now in Y5, school rules. And I have to sign a form giving permission.

NurseButtercup Thu 10-May-18 14:27:05

She upset my eldest two years ago when driving my kids home and they thought they had seen their dad in town by turning round and hissing 'he's not your daddy- he's my daddy!'

Wont even go into the underwear she buys him, just to say that some have 'daddy' printed across the arse. Kids saw this, not me- I dont raid his underwear drawer.

When I read your op I suspected the beginning of your exh's eventual withdrawal from his children. This was the exact same thing my dad said to myself and my siblings. However, this update right here has left me speechless...

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue Thu 10-May-18 15:57:15

Having read the update: bleurgh. Some weird incest fantasy going on there.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks The Daddy/Little Girl dynamic is nothing to do with incest. There’s no incestual link whatsoever.

Branleuse Thu 10-May-18 16:47:00

oh ffs, whether shes got some daddy fantasy or not, shes jealous of his ACTUAL children, and hes enabling it/encouraging it.

Id actually stop my kids going there for that.

ICantCopeAnymore Thu 10-May-18 16:48:30

@Ebeneser

Sounds South then! I've lived both South East and South West and it's the same generally.

Branleuse Thu 10-May-18 16:49:11

well of course theres an incestual link. Its an actual incest fantasy.

It doesnt mean that hes interested in his own children of course, but his girlfriend doesnt seem to be able to make the separation, and its completely inappropriate for her to say that to the children.

balsamicbarbara Thu 10-May-18 16:51:05

well of course theres an incestual link. Its an actual incest fantasy

Hmm, calling your partner "daddy" is an incest fantasy now? So what the heck do you think it means when he calls you "baby"!?

Dixiebell Thu 10-May-18 16:57:02

I went through agonies as a teenager about what to call my parents. I got to an age where I felt embarrassed to call them mummy and daddy, but had always done so, and thought I might upset them by calling them mum and dad. I remember being mortified when a friend read a birthday card on our mantelpiece from me addressed to mummy. I felt like this for years! So, I think it’s good to say to kids that they can use either, but yes, should be them to decide, otherwise they have to feel like they are doing something wrong whichever way round they prefer it!

FriendlyOcelot Thu 10-May-18 16:57:15

I always cringe a little when I hear grown adults use mummy and daddy. It sounds a bit try-hard-to-be-posh to me. I’m sure it isn’t in all cases but I can’t help the involuntary toe curl when I hear it. It just sounds weirdly disfunctional grin and as if you aren’t on an adult level with your parents yet.

Anyway on young kids it’s fine and your ex and his new gf sound unhinged

Dumbledoresgirl Thu 10-May-18 17:00:06

MollyDaydreamThu 10-May-18 10:14:47

I'm not a fan of older children/adults using baby talk.

So I take it you call your parents Mother and Father? Because Mum and Dad are baby words too.

This subject always riles me a bit. I am in my 50s and call my parents Mummy and Daddy. Maybe it sounds infantile or posh or weird to some of you but it is my name for my parents, nothing to do with anyone else. I wouldn't refer to them by those names if talking to someone else, if it makes a difference, and all of my children gradually changed from calling me Mummy to Mum, and I have no problem with that. I just don't think it is anyone else's business.

In this particular case, I definitely think the gf has something to do with this. I would be having words with the ex.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Thu 10-May-18 17:01:56

Why on earth would you call your partner "daddy"? Except in the sense of telling the DC to "give it to Daddy" etc? confused

She said, "He's not your daddy, he's my daddy." 😷

Branleuse Thu 10-May-18 17:16:06

telling your partners children not to call him daddy because he is HER daddy now, and you think thats not fucking weird and bordering on incest fantasy?

Calling your partner baby doesnt mean you start demanding that you stop calling an actual baby a baby or that they are pretending to BE an actual adult baby (usually)

NewPapaGuinea Thu 10-May-18 17:18:43

I’d go with Mumsie and Daddykins. Let the children decide when they want to seap to Dad. It’ll probably happen if they get teased, but that’s just part of growing up

Branleuse Thu 10-May-18 17:19:28

Ive seen people like this on fet - they are generally mentally unwell and whilst it doesnt mean that they want to abuse real kids, she is bringing her sexual fantasy about being a little girl and having a daddy pampering her into his real childrens lives, by getting jealous of them and demanding they act differently around him and stop using the name for him that theyve always called him, because to them, its now all part of their sex game

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue Thu 10-May-18 17:20:59

well of course theres an incestual link. Its an actual incest fantasy.

Branleuse Incorrect. The Daddy/Little Girl dynamic isn’t a Father/Daughter fantasy; that’s totally separate. There is no incestual link with Daddy/Little Girl. You don’t have to like it, but there’s no need to spread such ignorance.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Thu 10-May-18 17:25:16

Thank you Branleuse, you made the point that I was trying to make.

InsomniacAnonymous Thu 10-May-18 17:34:19

It makes no sense that he thinks his children are too old to call him daddy, when that's what he calls his own father! confused The children should've said that to him.

YearOfYouRemember Thu 10-May-18 17:41:05

The kids are too young to think and stay that.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Thu 10-May-18 17:41:21

She has always been very jealous of them.

At first I tried to be understanding as she doesn't have kids, and it's a lot to be thrown in the deep end with three to suddenly interact with. Her behaviour and the things she says/does are so weird sometimes.

Ex knows that I am not happy with them being left alone with the Nutbag and tries to avoid it (1- because hed get an earful if she said something that upset them and 2- because she wears the financial pants in relationship. He might wear the daddy knickers but that is in name only).

I am limited legally as to what I can do (at this point) but keep tabs on it. I have absolutely no doubt that shes jealous.

Im going to text The Idiot and just explain that the kids are upset. I'm just conscious that with a big change in one half of their family dynamic they feel that they are being distanced. As my 9 yo told me 'I don't want him to be my dad, I want him to be my daddy'.

I think she feels as though she is being told to grow up and go away from him.

Hopefully he will take on board what I have to say.

moodance Thu 10-May-18 17:48:57

Haven't read all of the thread as i think it has gone off topic.

I don't think daddy, dadda is appropriate for over 6's.

I think daddy is a class thing...unless you are middle class or upper middle it's okay and of course the children go to public school.

Nothing worst then hearing a child screaming daddy. My sister is married to a man who has 3 children aged 10,9 and 7, it makes me cringe when they call him daddy or worse dadda YUCK.

But I also find it pathetic when the 10 year old has her hair in pigtails and has food over her face and clothes ... but I guess some people will think that's normal... However personal opinion I think it's babyish.

If they are planning on having a baby then they could be actually be preparing the children that an actual baby will be saying daddy : dadda.

ICantCopeAnymore Thu 10-May-18 17:55:17

My sister is married to a man who has 3 children aged 10,9 and 7, it makes me cringe when they call him daddy or worse dadda YUCK

This is the most bizarre thing I've read on Mumsnet since I joined.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Thu 10-May-18 17:58:52

Don't forget that 10yos can't have their hair in pigtails. I must tell half the girls in DD's class. hmm

ICantCopeAnymore Thu 10-May-18 18:00:04

Someone who posts things like that must have some serious, worrying issues.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Thu 10-May-18 18:00:27

I never gave it any thought before this came up with my own children. I have a 71 year old aunt who when speaking about my grandparents refers to 'remember when mummy did' or 'daddy would have hated this'.

Its just the norm in our family.

(now thinking that I am a weirdo! confused)

coffeecupofmilk Thu 10-May-18 18:03:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gottagetmoving Thu 10-May-18 18:07:59

My son doesn't like his 10 year old calling him dad, he prefers him to call him daddy. grin
I think the child should decide when they change from 'daddy' to 'dad'
Your ex shouldn't tell them it has to be dad and my son shouldn't be telling his son it must be daddy.

Mrsbird311 Thu 10-May-18 18:17:09

how very odd! I still call my mummy, well mummy!! And our kids 17 and 14 still call us mummy and daddy. Honestly never heard of having to start calling them mum and dad!!!
Honestly, tell their father to stop being an arse and they will call him what they like!!! What a dick

mathanxiety Thu 10-May-18 19:57:43

QueenArseClangers Thu 10-May-18 10:45:33
Eeeeeeew, it’s her dirty sex name for him and she doesn’t want anyone else using it.
Grim.

SleepingStandingUp Thu 10-May-18 10:59:28
Eww he's clearly having flashes of his partner when he hears "Daddy" shouted randomly and its making him feel uncomfortable. How weird. I've really never understood the appeal personally. If my DH asked me to call him Daddy I'd be looking for a new husband and I can't think of anything more likely to wilt DH than me calling it him!

................
YY to these comments.

As for the GF hissing at them that he was her 'daddy' - I have no words.

The pair of them richly deserve each other, and they do not deserve the company of your lovely children, OP.

To interfere in the parental relationship and upset the children so much because they have a little fetish going is beyond the pale.

Myimaginarycathasfleas Thu 10-May-18 20:18:51

I think daddy is a class thing...unless you are middle class or upper middle it's okay and of course the children go to public school.

Oh dear, well I am those things as are my DC but their DF grew up on a council estate and went to a grammar school. We’d better tell him it’s Dad for him from now on...

Popfan Thu 10-May-18 20:38:27

My 10 year old DS still calls us mummy and daddy but mum and dad when around his friends. I'm not going to tell him to change! He'll do that in his own time.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Thu 10-May-18 21:58:47

Messaged The Idiot just explaining that not wishing to start an argument that they were upset by his comments. That they were insensitive and thoughtless (comments, not kids wink). That if they wish to call him dad they would do so. Asked him to make it up to them.

Haven't heard anything but I didnt expect/hope so. I just hope he apologises for upsetting his kids when he sees them.

hotsouple Thu 10-May-18 23:19:19

Does the GF want to call him "daddy" in bed or something?

Puffycat Thu 10-May-18 23:24:32

It’s entirely the kids choice and what they feel comfortable with.
We are dad, daddy, mum, mummy depending on where we are, who we are with and how the dc’s feel.
I never would dictate what we should be referred to by our beloved sprogs 😉

CowbellPopular Thu 10-May-18 23:24:51

I think you've gone too far and need to apologise to your ExH. Imagine if you revieved that text from him.

hotsouple Thu 10-May-18 23:25:39

Sorry I hadn't finished RTT

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Thu 10-May-18 23:27:47

No idea hotsouple but the pink undies with 'DADDY' printed across the back may be an indicator.

I have only seen my OH cry on a couple of occasions, but the time the kids came back saying 'daddy wears pink knickers with daddy written across his bottom' was one of them. Crying with laughter.

I genuinely don't care what they are up to unless it upsets my girls. I've simply told them that he will always be their daddy regardless of what he is called. I've asked him to address their feelings the next time he sees them and after that... I can't do any more.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Thu 10-May-18 23:32:35

cowbell if I received that text from him I'd be mortified I'd upset the kids so much.

They have interpreted this as he doesn't want to be their daddy anymore (having heard a more of what they have had to say today, this is the case). If they want to change to calling him to dad then I really think it should be their choice. I asked was I being unreasonable so I could hear opinions about this, so thankyou for your advice. I... just want my kids to be happy.

DropZoneOne Thu 10-May-18 23:33:36

My 10 year old DD mixes up calling us mummy/mum. She announced last year that I was to be mum but I'm still mummy a lot of the time. It's up to her, there's no magic cut off point.

CowbellPopular Thu 10-May-18 23:39:46

OP, I totally understand that you are of course trying to do what's best for your kids - it's natural to leap into action when our kids are upset!

However, I personally don't feel that the text was helpful. I believe this could have been raised with ExH in a less judgey, less hostile manner. After all, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt them!

KevinTurvey Fri 11-May-18 00:00:01

Her shouting he's my daddy now is seriously fucked up and disturbing, not to mention the pink Daddy pants shock I wouldn't want to my kids to be anywhere near this weirdness. Have you spoken to him about this? Wtf is he doing?

TheBogWitchIsBack Fri 11-May-18 00:05:19

I still call my parents mummy and daddy. I'm 36! I didn't realise it was odd until I met my husband and he commented on it.
I didn't change though.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Fri 11-May-18 00:09:32

@KevinTurvey - until I am blue in the face. I'm lying, the kids are lying (even when they tell him themselves)... My mind would never even go to that place it's so bizarre.

He earns great money but she earns more money and he follows money. I keep on top of what can be done legally but I am restricted at this point, though for not of trying.

mathanxiety Fri 11-May-18 03:50:54

I think your text was fine.

You are dealing with someone who is prepared to throw his children and his relationship with them under the bus for the sake of his relationship with this woman.

You are absolutely right to be completely unambiguous and to make it clear that you are speaking up without fear on behalf of the girls.

KevinTurvey Fri 11-May-18 04:35:19

Jesus Christ! What a god awful situation to be in. Can you reduce contact at all? Is it Court Ordered? Sorry I'm a bit pissed!
?

MismatchedStripySocks Fri 11-May-18 07:58:32

I find it weird when DSD calls my DH ‘daddy’ and she’s 14. Less so the 8 year old. I reckon after primary school it starts to sound a bit childish.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Fri 11-May-18 10:11:39

So many pps are missing the point. It's the "He's my Daddy now" comment and leaving pink "Daddy" pants where the DC can find them which is hugely inappropriate. Our DC have no clue about our sex life because they're our DC. Even my adult ones.

channingtatumspecs Sun 13-May-18 08:32:46

@WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue * I think all of them are several years too old to be using mummy and daddy.*
Ffs the youngest is 7! "Several" years old and they'd have been what? 7,6 and 4? And that's too old to say mummy and daddy without being babyish? How ridiculous! I have a mature almost 9 year old that still goes along with (not sure believes) in the tooth fairy and Santa! She calls me Mumma never Mum
If she started calling me Mum off her own back that's fine but the issue is TELLING the young kids it's not ok and they're babyish and silly to do so- it's weird and I'd imagine my kids would be heartbroken if I said that to them

PrettyLovely Mon 14-May-18 09:41:19

I am going to go against the grain here but are you sure your kids couldnt have exaggerated what had happened with the Daddy comment and the boxers? Perhaps she was joking around with them and the Daddy boxers are from a fathers day present?
I think the kids are picking up on your hate for him and her,, Kids are really loyal to their mothers usually and if they know you hate her they might say bad things about her or exaggerate/twist events to make you feel better. My step child has in the past to please his mother as he picked up on her hate.

I believe this hes my daddy drama happened two years ago, Has anything happened since, It sounds like because you hate him so much you are trying to pick at anything possible to find fault, Surely if they were that bad this would happen all the time.
You werent there on either of these occasions you dont really know how things were worded and you dont really know what happens in his house.
The way you talk about him especially reffering to him as idiot shows alot of how you feel about him and you are projecting it onto your kids.

Celticrose Mon 14-May-18 10:20:42

I am 59 and had no idea until I joined mumsnet that this was even a thingblush however I still call my 90 year old DM mummy but have also used mum. I refer to her when with other people as my mother. Again something I just do not think about in the great scheme of things.

moodance Mon 14-May-18 12:36:01

@PrettyLovely totally agree!

myfriendbob Mon 14-May-18 13:01:20

No-one appears to have picked up on the fact that his wanker told his SEVEN year old that she was too old to call him dadd...but HE calls his own father daddy!

PrettyLovely Mon 14-May-18 14:18:34

But did he myfriendbob? Or was he talking to the eldest about it saying as op said he didnt want them to get picked on for it, Perhaps he got picked on for it as a kid and didnt want it to happen to his own kids.
I think the fact he said he didnt want them to get picked on for it sounds like he wasnt saying it to be horrible.
The whole thing sounds completely blown out of proportion, Op texting him saying he shouldn't have said it to them and that he has to make it up to them shows alot about the whole set up.
Its childish, She should have asked him what had happened about it in person casually, not blaming him before he had anything to say, But ASK, HOW was it said and to certainly not to tell him what to do.
It comes across as bossy and overbearing.

The kids are feeding off all of the negativity its not right.
I can tell you in my own experience when RIDICULOUS things were made up or exaggerated by my stepchild his Mum believed it all it only got worse, until he started lieing about her...
She now ASKS if he says anything and we do the same back, knowing he can play off both sets of parents..
With all this back and fourth of he said she said and Mum getting cross and messaging or moaning you get damaged children.
They only get one childhood learn to work as a team.

HappyLollipop Mon 14-May-18 14:27:56

My DSC (10 and 8) still refer to my DP as daddy personally I find it a little weird especially that the 10 year old still calls him daddy as I probably stopped referring to my parents as mummy and daddy at around age 7 or 8 but I would never dream of bringing it up, it's not my business (and neither is it to your ex new gf) as long as they are happy with it they should be able to call their dad anything they like!

DN4GeekinDerby Mon 14-May-18 15:42:02

I'm sorry your kids were put in this stressful and bizarre situation Bananas. As many others said, it seems like the GF's thing is messing with his head too which is one thing but upsetting the kids is quite another. The text is probably the best way to deal with their side along with being as reassuring as possible for the kids.

I think by 9-10, I mixed daddy, dad, and father depending my mood and the situation. As I got older, I tended to use father/mother more to others to show a distance particularly when I wasn't living or in contact with them. I don't recall them or anyone else making comments or making fun of me for it though I'm sure I annoyed more than a few adults with how I talked about them in a rather pointed-surly-teen manner even to the most innocent questions or assumptions.

irishmissie Wed 16-May-18 10:19:16

I still call my father daddy and I'm
35, and if my mother was still alive she would be mammy! I'm
Irish but now live in England but my ten year old calls me mummy and his dad daddy, when did we get to a point in life that determines what children should or should
Not call ones parents? I think the problem is with your oh not the kids

CheeseAndTomSandwich Wed 16-May-18 10:31:34

My eldest son is 12 and 75% of the time he calls me mummy. I don't mind it. All his younger siblings do too. I can still remember the day my mum said to me "I think you're too old to call me mummy now". Think I was 11 at the time and I'm 36 now. I won't ever say that to my kids.

ExpectingFirst Thu 17-May-18 17:20:16

I am 29 years old and I still call my parents mummy & daddy, mum and dad just didn't sound right to me! I have no shame in it whatsoever.

Mooneyes Thu 17-May-18 17:41:31

Ew, Ew, they've got a dd/lg thing going on, and clearly hearing his actual children call him Daddy is putting him off his stroke, both literal and metaphorical.

Gross. Wonder does he buy the gf teddies and tell her she's been a naughty girl. I once strayed into a bit of reddit inhabited by these people, and I honestly felt like I needed a shower afterward

Namelesswonder Thu 17-May-18 19:18:10

Some very strange comments on here! My 13 and 10 year olds still say Mummy and Daddy to our faces, as do all their friends. 10 year old still sometimes comes out with Mamma (shock, horror!) Although 13 yr old has started saying Mum and Dad to her friends. It’s a word, term, what does it matter what a child chooses to call a parent? The important thing is that they choose the word they feel comfortable with.

Minxmumma Thu 17-May-18 19:26:55

My exh did this with our twins and they were under 10 at the time. One progressed from daddy to dickhead quite quickly after hearing his mates call him that in a pub...... I laughed probably more than I should have. Sadly (I think possibly) they ended up nc as he couldn't stay sober long enough to be responsible for them.

My brood are 22, 2 @ 16 and 1 baby. All of them call me Mummy, and can as long as they wish to.

At 42 I still call my parents Mummy and Daddy. Just the way it is in our family.

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