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AIBU?

Trouble with new boyfriend's kids and mine

299 replies

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 16:43

Ok, I will try and keep this succinct and also not give away any outing details...

So my husband had an affair and left me and my 2 small children (3 and 5) last year. And around the same time, a guy at work went through a similar situation. He is the 'main parent' (sorry if not correct term, no offense is meant) for his son who is 6.5 (i.e. has him for 12/14 overnights etc.) and so am I for mine .

We ended up getting together and are mainly happy, and have gotten to the stage where we are thinking of a future together, so have been slowly introducing my kids to him and his kid to me. This is all going swimmingly and my kids think he is great and his son thinks I am great.

Here comes the problem if you are still reading. His son hates my kids. His child is 3 years older than my youngest and he just can't grasp the fact that my youngest is too little to understand and play the way he wants. As an example, yesterday he was trying to play the Nintendo Switch with my child and he just could understand why my child couldn't press the buttons at the right time. This lead to the mother of all tantrums and him saying he hates us and this is the worst day of his life and he never wants to see my kids again and why can't I just visit on my own.

I know all kids can have there moments, but this sort of interaction happens every time and normally several times a meet up - the melt downs last for around 45 minutes - 1 hour sometimes. My youngest gets quite upset as he can't understand what he is doing wrong and he thinks it is his fault that all this keeps happen.

I guess my AIBU is... should I just give up on this? Or am I expecting too much too soon? Has anyone been in a similar boat and has any advice to share. We try to do things like meet on neutral ground, like the park, or go to his so he feels it is 'his safe space' and we have been to mine. But every meet-up goes the same way. My kids are no angels, but they are good kids and they aren't doing anything 'on purpose' to upset him - if that makes sense?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2018 16:46

You should walk away. It’s a shame if you otherwise have a great relationship. But life is hard enough blending families when everyone gets on. If his son is so unhappy and angry he needs to focus on that.

It’s just not going to work. Sorry Flowers

Supermagicsmile · 07/05/2018 16:46

Sounds like your partner needs to have a strong word with his son! He's behaving very immaturely and needs pulling up on it!

mselastic · 07/05/2018 16:48

The tantrums age 6.5 isn't typical of kids that age.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/05/2018 16:49

You don't have to walk away from the relationship, but I think you do have to walk away from the idea of blending your families. All behaviour is communication -- he's clearly telling you that he doesn't want to be part of a bigger family, for whatever reason.

Give it time, cut back on the meet-ups. It sounds like the break up was quite recent tbh, I think you're all moving too fast.

LuluBellaBlue · 07/05/2018 16:50

I’d say it’s more to do with your new partner and his son and their relationship.
Is his son jealous maybe? It can be really tough on them. Def don’t give up on the relationship but I’d suggest father and son have some help such as counselling.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 07/05/2018 16:51

If your husband only left last year, I think it is way too early to be introducing a bf to your kids.

Nothing wrong with dating but I’d take a massive step back and try again in a year or so.

Loandbeholdagain · 07/05/2018 16:55

Hmmm, is he an only child OP? It will take quite a bit of adjustment to get used to two new siblings. I would read lots about how to prepare children for new sibling and apply that advice. I disagree that this is something worth walking out over. It’s early days! Lots of supervision and adult mediated play, and lots of TLC alongside firm but loving boundaries will work eventually (I’m talking over months and years).

ClownPockets · 07/05/2018 17:11

I'm currently 'blending two families for want of a better expression. It is hard bloody work. We have a good few children between us and we now live together with my kids full time and his come to stay regularly. It is a work in progress so please don't read this like I'm pretending to have all the answers, because I'm not. But I would say that you do need to take a step back. This boy needs reassurance from his dad that your relationship doesn't threaten his relationship with his dad. And this will take time. He's used to it being just them so you and your children represent a threat in his eyes. It can work but it will take patience and time.

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 17:11

Yes, he is an only child and he is home educated and doesn't get out to any meet-ups (I know this is not typical of HE families, where most are very active and social).

How long are you meant to wait until you introduce everyone to everyone (I am sincerely asking, not being snarky)... we thought 6-9 months was the 'done thing'. Happy for all and any advice, many thanks.

OP posts:
passmetheloppers · 07/05/2018 17:16

So what does your BF do or say to his ds when this happens?

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 17:16

I didn't add, that the children all knew each other previously and have had 'play dates' together. My new bf was worried his son wasn't socialising so we had a few meet-ups with them, previous to both of our relationships ending, as they had only moved here in the last 2 years to start his new job. The children haven't been told we are in a relationship, the meet-ups are sold to them as play dates, if that makes sense.

Sorry if this is a big drip feed. Just trying to stay as little as possible so I remain anon.

OP posts:
Solasum · 07/05/2018 17:16

How would that work going forward? If you wanted to blend the families, you’d surely want to treat all the children basically the same? Are you planning on homeschooling your kids too? If not, how will you explain to them all that one gets to stay at home but the others have to go to school? if the son is homeschooled with no experience of being round other kids, it is not surprising at all he is struggling.

I think moving in together at this point would be premature

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 07/05/2018 17:17

I would take way longer than 6 months with kids that young especially when your relationship ended suddenly and traumatically. Your kids are probably still reeling from that, let alone anything else. I wouldn’t introduce a bf to my parents at 6 months, let alone to kids.

The situation with the son’s education sounds bad too, he needs friends and socialisation. Why isn’t your bf doing this?

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 17:18

He tries to explain that my child is a lot littler and doesn't understand the same way he does, and he hugs and comforts him as he gets in a right state. He doesn't socialise with any other children at all, so I think this is a bigger problem than just my kids, iyswim.

OP posts:
ThisIsTheFirstStep · 07/05/2018 17:18

So in two years, the bf’s son has gone through a move and a divorce and losing his mother for 90% of the time??

Is it any wonder he’s stressed and acting out?

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 17:19

We aren't talking about moving in together @Solasum

OP posts:
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 17:20

No, @ThisIsTheFirstStep, and I don't 'blame' him at all, he is just a small child.

OP posts:
ThisIsTheFirstStep · 07/05/2018 17:21

I didn’t say you blame him but I’d say introducing a new partner to an already stressed and confused child is too much.

Even if you think you’re being subtle, kids aren’t daft. He likely realises there is something going on beyond play dates.

LunaTrap · 07/05/2018 17:22

Why isn't your boyfriend taking him to home education groups so he can socialise? It sounds very intense if it is just him and his Dad at home together all the time.

JiminyBillyBob · 07/05/2018 17:23

Stop putting your poor little boy through it! It must be horrible for him.

You don’t have to split up. Just stop tying to rush into being a blended family!

KC225 · 07/05/2018 17:24

I think the fact that is home schooled is a massive drip feed. It doesn't sound as if he is coping very well with his parents break up. Does he spend alone time with his Dad? Is his Dad the one ehp.hone schools him?

Why the rush? You only broke up last year why would you want to move with someone else already. And 'mainly' happy? Are you settling?

WoodenCat · 07/05/2018 17:26

Perhaps the issue is that you’re telling the children that this is a play date, so it’s a meet up for them, but the reality is that 6.5 yr olds don’t want to play with 3 year olds! They often struggle with anyone more than a year younger because development is so fast they can do so much more - but emotional development, particularly for a child without siblings, means they can’t grasp the need for being truly kind / taking turns / letting a little one win. A 6 year old is unlikely to have that degree of empathy. I think you’re expecting too much for your bf’s child to eg play Nintendo switch without getting cross. Tantrums are another matter of course.

If you said you and your bf were friends who wanted to meet, and made sure all dc had attention and age-appropriate activities, it might take the pressure off them having to play nicely together?

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June1966 · 07/05/2018 17:27

He is only 6 and a half. Very little still. Of course he doesn't understand the developmental stages of other children, particularly if he is home educated and doesn't meet that many other children in his day to day life. He probably has high hopes each time they come round or he starts a game with them, only to find that it's not working how he imagined/hoped and so all that hopefulness and expectation is dashed and he doesn't know how to deal with the disappointment except by saying the things he says.

When your eldest is 6.5, I think you might find you have a little more empathy with your partner's son because you will be able to see that he is still only very little.

What I would say though is that at the moment, the age gap seems monumental between the children developmentally, but in a few years' time, they will all be able to enjoy similar activities.

I think you need to wait a while for your own children to grow up to meet him, iyswim.

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 17:28

My bf is not taking his child to HE groups as he works full time 9-5, his mum has him all day and is meant to be doing this. She just doesn't. I know this isn't ideal, as I am sure most reading would agree, but it is not really my place to tell them how to parent/educate their son. I don't want to be that woman who meets a new man and then is butting into their family set-up, even if I know it isn't great.

And I thought we were taking it slow, the odd play-date here and there, but it seems I am wrong from reading these posts. Thank you for the advice, this is all new to me.

OP posts:
FrogFairy · 07/05/2018 17:28

How does your bf manage to work and home educate his son?

If this boy has always been HE I can kind of understand why he is struggling with being around your kids on top of all the other changes in his life.

I think for now you need to slow down on the time the kids spend together and your fb needs to work on socialising his son (sorry if that sounds like dog training) by taking him to places he can get used to other kids in general. Parks, classes, activities. I feel a bit sorry for this little lad who it seems does not know how to be with other children.

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