Not allowing my daughters to attend a wedding

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

This might be long but I will try to keep it as short as I can.

My ex's sister is getting married in June. I am also supposed to attend a wedding where my DP is the best man on the same day.

This day is one that falls on a day of my access.

Ex and I have a long history with going to court for access. Ex is egocentric and rather than thinking about what is best for the children's stability always puts his own wants and needs before theirs in terms of access (got drunk/hungover a lot and didnt turn up- cue me getting a court order, changes shifts to suit his lifestyle and expects me to change both the children's life and mine to suit his).

His last shift change was a year ago and the court order no longer suited him and he turns up to avail of access as and when he wants. If theres a racing festival on, or a friend's birthday or the opening of an envelope, he will say he cant collect the kids at the allotted time.

I have acted over the past three years under legal advice because he is such a tool, that if he is not there to collect the children (notwithstanding traffic delays, legitimate reasons) that I do not have to allow him to take them.

He has been told by a judge to stop complaining and that he works around the children: the children dont work around him. He has ignored this.

I am truly sick of being treated like a doormat. Last week, he let me know with 1.5hrs before he was supposed to collect the children from school that he wouldnt be there and I must go. He has a conviction from ignoring a court order to stop harassing me.

I stick to my court order as if I give him an inch he takes a mile. Then some more.

He and his sister arranged our daughters to be flower girls at her wedding. She has bought them dresses. No one ever asked me or even bothered to tell me the date. As I knew this was my day with the kids, I went ahead and made my own plans to go to my BIL's wedding.

I only found out the date of his sister's wedding because I know someone in the hotel it's happening in. The assumption has been all along that I would just give in and say yes.

Ive had everything from him from 'youre a cow/bitch/cunt/insert other word here' to 'thats her godmother/what do you think the girls would choose' to his sister saying that she thinks my approach to his access is 'inhumane' and accusing me of not turning up to court to remedy access (there was no court date, apparently he went to get application papers that I do not need to be there for and had no knowledge of).

She has said how devasatated she is, and why would I prioritise this wedding over hers: a) I didnt know when it was; b) no one told me of these plans.

I have sent Ex future access proposals, have always been reasonable (I may not like the bugger, but the kids love him and I have always facillitated as much of equal weekend access as I can because of this.) but he hasnt moved his backside to change the access order he claims is soooooo unfair to him. Hes had fifteen months to do this, and all I get is a weekly threat to 'take me back to court'.

He can do it! I even told him which form to get, how to fill it out and explained it to him.

I am just sick to my back teeth of being treated like a doormat. He slots the children in around his life, I get treated like a babysitter and my life and anything I want to do is ignored. Im still having this wanker control my life nearly six years after splitting up, because he knows that anytime he chooses not to step up, I will rush in and save the day because I wont let the children down.

There's a long DV history to this, so I am trying not to be resentful or a bitch because of that. I want what is best for the kids, which is exactly why I got a court order in the first place: stability and continuity.

I am just wondering whether IABU.

I can see both sides, I dont want to hurt his sister, but I want to stand up for myself as well.

(That was not short. Apologies.)

[leighdinglady]

Tbh I'd send the girls to their aunts wedding. He might be a Royal twat, but it's their aunt and always will be. They'll enjoy being flower girls too

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

Forgot to add- this wedding will be a phenomenal piss up and will go on for a couple of days. I wouldnt be comfortable with that ever- even on his time.

[Theknacktoflying]

What do your kids want to do?

Do that ...

[HoHoHoHo]

Which would the children prefer to go to?

[jollyjester]

Your access day not his so I wouldn't back down.

If hes going to spend the day getting drunk will he be able to care for the DC?

[DelphiniumBlue]

I can see he's a pain, but I don't think its fair on your girls to stop them being flowergirls at the sister's wedding, assuming you don't actually have to put yourself out.
As you do know what the date is, and you've got other arrangements yourself, I'm not clear what the problem is. Is it being suggested that you get involved with getting them ready etc?
Best to say you'll drop them at his/in laws ( so you're not hanging around for him) and then go off and enjoy yourself with your DP.

[SpacePenguin]

So much painful history in your post. And I can see that he's an utter twat. But, I think the kids should go to their aunt's wedding if that's what they want to do. How do they feel about it?

[LavenderDoll]

I would want them to be flower girls for their Aunt and God mother

[hairycoo]

yanbu id be keeping the children and taking them with you. they have has 15 months so its entirely his own fucking fault. plus i assume if its a drunkfest thered be no chance of him takin the girls then expecting you to com collect them when hes too drunk to look after them?

[coconutpie]

YANBU. I would not send the kids to his sister's wedding.

[NewYearNewMe18]

My ex's sister is getting married in June. I am also supposed to attend a wedding where my DP is the best man on the same day.

If ex would like to pick up the children, they can be flower girls. If not, they aren't. End of conversation.

People only get headspace if you allow it.

[flowery]

You go to the wedding you’re attending with your DP. Your daughters go to their auntie’s wedding to be flower girls. Is there any reason that can’t happen?

[Phillipa12]

YANBU, your ex has cocked up by agreeing to something not on his contact time. He should have liased with you before agreeing to his sisters request, if he had co parented amicably then im sure your dds would of been lovely flower girls at his sisters wedding and you would off had a fab childfree wedding to attend. Instead hes assumed that he can just have them and now the shits hit the fan you are the resentful bitch, ah well, nevermind, its not your problem, its his. Whatever you do dont back down!

[DelphiniumBlue]

Ah, seen you're worried about drinking, do you think the girls won't be looked after properly? How old are they, and will there anyone else who will look after them ( granny?)

[GreenTulips]

I hope you have everything logged and printed out.

Why aren't you taking him to court?

Go to your wedding!!!

He's being an arse and expects you to roll over .... time to stop

[SmashedMug]

I would let them go to their aunts wedding and be flower girls if it wasn't for what you said about it being a piss up. Likely thing is they'll barely be supervised by him and who knows who will end up looking after them. For that reason I'd keep them with you!

[hairycoo]

are the children invited to the wedding you are going to? if your dp is best man are they quite close family?

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

This is where I have a moral dilemma- the children dont know they are supposed to be flower girls. They know Aunty is getting married but have also not been told anything.

Its where I put my foot down and say 'no' youve screwed me around too much vs the children would enjoy this.

Im downtrodden after taking too much shite, I suppose.

The texts I have recieved regarding this have been unbelievable. Emotional blackmail 101.

Thankyou for your responses, my view is subjective so I wanted an objective viewpoint.

[BlueSuffragette]

I think your girls will be gutted if you don't let them go and be flower girls. Don't use them to prove a point with your ex, even if it is your time with them. They deserve better than that and in the coming years will probably resent you stopping them being bridesmaids for their auntie. You can sort out different contact arrangemrnts in the folowing weeks. If you dont want them thete too long, then pick them up during the evening do or early next morning if you are staying late at the other wedding.

[PeonyTruffle]

I wouldn’t let them go personally, he had long enough to tell you that it was happening and arrange the details.
Especially if they don’t know that they are ‘supposed’ to be there

He sounds like an utter nightmare

[RandomMess]

It doesn't sound like they'll be supervised in what will be a very unsuitable environment! How old are they?

TBH I would stick to the letter of the contact order because of his long term awful behaviour!

[teenagerparent]

How old are they? Are there grandparents or other relatives that you trust would look after them if he got drunk?

[Handsupbabyhandsup]

You need to put your children first. What's best for them.

And I echo the other poster that said you are letting him get into your headspace. Stop that and things will be lots better for you.

[ltk]

So when did they officially tell you about the wedding and invite the girls?

How old are your dds?

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

@DelphiniumBlue nanny will be blotto on the Bacardi!!!

DP is best man at his brother's wedding.

@GreenTulips everything is saved. I am not taking him to court because the court order doesnt affect my life or that of the girls. He wants the change, he can get off his hole and make an effort to do something for his kids for the first time in his life. I will not do the donkey work for his convenience. Hes a Mummy's Boy who has always relied on women and I am not rolling over to do something for him at 34 that he can do himself. Rawwwwrrrr.