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DH wants to go on holiday...without me!

(343 Posts)
whatstheweatherupto Mon 30-Apr-18 11:02:31

Not really sure how I feel about this situation so wanted some unbiased opinions…

DH and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 3, 1 DC who is just about to turn 18 months . We have had our ups and down like all couples but are generally happy. The last couple of years have been a struggle as I don’t think DH was prepared for how much things would change having DC but we’re slowly getting through it.
DH‘s best friend is female. This bothered me when we first got together, as we were all very young and DH wasn’t very good at introducing us and wanted to keep us apart which made things worse, however after all these years I can honestly say that I have no issues with her, I class her as a friend as well and actually find it nice that DH has such a close friend. I have no trust issues with her as I know she Is not remotely interested in DH and has recently started seeing someone

DH and I do not get a lot of time together as we both work full time. He works shifts whereas I work Mon-Fri hours. We share pick ups and drop offs of DC as much as possible, although the majority of childcare and housework falls to me as DH struggles with sleeping being on a shift pattern. However his shifts does mean that every couple of months he ends up with a full 10 days off work. He also plays golf nearly every other Saturday and will use his annual leave to book days off around this schedule. He also plays football some Saturday mornings before golf for a local pub team so some weekend days he can be out from very early until late which obviously eats into the time we have together with DC.

At the end of last week he came home saying he had been talking to his friend and for the first time in years she has the some of the same time off as his (she also works shifts in a similar industry to him but they rarely seem to have more than 1 day off together) and that they have been talking and wanted to go away for a few days. He did ask me if me and DC would like to come as well but unfortunately I cannot have the time off due to work commitments so we wouldn’t be able to.

He told me how much they were looking to spend and then spent the majority of the weekend looking for holidays for them both and they are now on the verge of booking to go away for 5 nights.

For the record my issue isn’t him going away with his friend, its more the issue that he wants to go away and leave us for 5 days when we get limited time together as it is. Yes he would be just sitting around the house on those days off as I would be at work and DC at nursery but we would be back in the evenings and he would be able to pick DC up a bit earlier. There is also loads of work that needs doing around the house. It’s also his attitude to the money he would be spending. They’re looking at spending about £500 altogether (food, drink, airport parking etc) and when I said that could be put towards some new carpets in the house his answer was it’s his money, he works hard for it so he wants to enjoy it for a change!

Not sure what I am looking for her, part of me thinks he is being unreasonable, but then part of me does think he should be able to go and enjoy himself.

OP’s posts: |
GertieMotherwell Mon 30-Apr-18 11:04:25

Not in imo

GertieMotherwell Mon 30-Apr-18 11:04:49

On! Sorry

MyFriendFlickaWasAHorse Mon 30-Apr-18 11:05:58

I think the fact the friend is female is neither here nor there. This wouldn’t happen in our family. Neither dh nor I would go for a longish holiday without the rest of the family. Maybe it’s different though, as I’m a sahm so we only have to worry about booking time off for one of us in order for us to have time off together iyswim.

theeyeofthestormchaser Mon 30-Apr-18 11:06:56

every couple of months he ends up with a full 10 days off work

What does he do with these ten days? Do you get the same amount of leisure time/time away to pursue your hobbies?

Not on. Selfish bellend.

Unless you can have the same amount of money and time away...

Aprilmightbemynewname Mon 30-Apr-18 11:07:20

So he still thinks is he is single without a dc?
He is giving up time he could have with his dc for his female friend?
He sounds a real catch, talking about his cash too!!
And 'enjoy it for a change' !! What a cunt.
Let her have his company, for the long haul - have his stuff in the garden for his return.

endofthelinefinally Mon 30-Apr-18 11:07:50

No no no.
Very selfish of him and completely inappropriate.
I would be devastated if my husband did this.

BarbarianMum Mon 30-Apr-18 11:08:24

Why doesn't he take your dc with him, you should suggest it? Or stay home, take them out of nursery and spend some time w them?

Do you get anything approaching as much free (child free) time as he does?

BuntyII Mon 30-Apr-18 11:08:35

Um no shock

endofthelinefinally Mon 30-Apr-18 11:08:43

The comment about HIS money is awful.

DuchyDuke Mon 30-Apr-18 11:09:15

I personally think it isn’t right when one partner goes on an expensive holiday without their family. He sounds like a dick to be honest.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie Mon 30-Apr-18 11:09:36

I go away without my husband and vice Versa every year.

I'm going to France by myself this summer and he's going to Japan for three weeks with friends in the autumn

I don't think separate holidays is a bad thing and absence makes the heart grow fonder.

That said. We don't have children and I guess if he's leaving you to do all the work that's another issue.

MyFriendFlickaWasAHorse Mon 30-Apr-18 11:10:42

hmm at “enjoying it for a change”. He sounds like an entitled brat or someone who thinks they are or wants to be single / childless.

Pressuredrip Mon 30-Apr-18 11:10:55

You don't want to say no and come off as being jealous and insecure, but if this was a bloke friend would you be happy about it? I wouldn't.

Dvg Mon 30-Apr-18 11:11:19

No way my partner would go on holiday without me but even more so with the opposite sex.

AnnabelleLecter Mon 30-Apr-18 11:11:56

I would let him go....for good.

You can do better!

GlueSticks Mon 30-Apr-18 11:12:53

it’s his money, he works hard for it so he wants to enjoy it for a change!

Unfortunately, he is a grown up with grown up responsibilities and money earned generally has to go on things which are needed, not just on a jolly.

As most of the time household tasks and childcare fall to you, it is now time for him to make up for that. His shift patterns mean you pick up most of the work when he is on shifts, so equally he needs to pick up most of the work while he is not on shifts.

part of me does think he should be able to go and enjoy himself.

f he and his friend are both off at the same time, they can spend time catching up while you are at work and DC is at nursery. Though, tbh, most dads I know would be pleased with the chance to take DC out for a day or two on their own - unless he doesn't enjoy spending time with his DC, which I would find odd and upsetting.

Sweetheart Mon 30-Apr-18 11:14:43

I don't see a problem with this to be honest. My dh and I have often had trips away without each other or the kids in our 17 yeas of marriage - in fact I'm off to Spain for 5 days in May with some friends and he is free to do so also.

Fatted Mon 30-Apr-18 11:14:59

Personally, I'd be pissed off. I have more time off than I my husband because of shifts etc. I spend most of it at home sorting stuff out, or taking the kids out etc.

I can understand he wants a break etc, but it's only fair if you get that break too. So if he's set on booking it, tell him you will be booking the same amount of time away and spending the same amount of money on your own.

motorpink Mon 30-Apr-18 11:15:08

DH and I have been on loads of separate holidays. At least twice a year we have weekends away with friends. I have already been to London and Milton Keynes this year and he is away next week to Aberdeen.

The 'he is leaving is for 5 days' sounds very needy tbh

MyFriendFlickaWasAHorse Mon 30-Apr-18 11:16:09

Totally fine to have trips away without each other as long as both are free to do it and the money isn’t needed for something else, like a family holiday or household stuff, like carpets.

Bluelady Mon 30-Apr-18 11:17:24

I'd tell him it absolutely isn't a problem and wish him a lovely time. That you hope he enjoys it just as much as you're going to when you go to Paris with your best friend in September.

TheDrinksAreOnMe Mon 30-Apr-18 11:18:20

I go away without my husband but every time I do it involves training for my hobby/job so there’s no rest. I couldn’t imagine doing that “just for a break”.

Trinity66 Mon 30-Apr-18 11:18:51

hhmmm I'm torn, I mean I'm going away with 3 of my best friends for 5 nights this year as we're all celebrating a certain birthday but I'm sorry I just wouldn't fancy my Dh going away with another woman, it's that simple

MyotherUsernameisaPun Mon 30-Apr-18 11:21:26

I don't know how I feel about this. If it's a rare treat and not a regular thing I wouldn't have an issue with it.

I think if this situation was reversed and a woman wanted to go away for a few days with her best friend and her husband was saying he didn't want her to, people would be saying she should be able to go.

What I do think is important is that you're given the same opportunities to have a break and time away as well. So I would say to him that it's fine for him to go away but that you also need a break and when the time comes that you want to take it, he has to do his share to make that happen.

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