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To not want DP to take this job?

(65 Posts)
sharkirasharkira Fri 27-Apr-18 09:59:22

Arrg, life giveth with one hand and taketh away with the other..

Dp has an opportunity to take a job, its a fixed contract and comes with a load of benefits including a very good salary which could really set us up for life. Due to a combination of cocklodging ex partners, bad luck and poor financial decisions, I seriously doubt if we (particularly me) will ever me eligible for a mortgage in the future. With this job we could actually afford to buy somewhere and it could be a real investment in our future.

But. It's abroad and he will be away for up to a year.

I have virtually no friends, and no family in this area. Only a few of Dp's close family and friends. I will be almost completely alone here without him sad In all honesty, I think I'm too needy to be without him for such a long period of time, I've always hated the idea of being in a long distance relationship because I need that close contact with my significant other. Without it I think I will be very depressed.

Tbh I think I'll also be super jealous. The country the contract is in is somewhere I have always wanted to visit but apparently due to the nature of the work I won't be able to go with him. The idea of him having fun out there while I'm stuck here all alone is crushing me.

He says he would be doing it for us, so that we can pay for a beautiful wedding and a house for our long term future. I just think it's too much of a sacrifice and not a price I'm willing to pay. But I also don't want to hold him back! Will he hate me if I stop him from doing it? Wibu to tell/ask him not to take the job? Aibu to not let him do this temporarily so that we can have a better life in the future?

I'm just feel so gutted right now at the thought.

keepmoving Fri 27-Apr-18 10:02:14

One year will fly by. I did it and although it wasn't in a different country and I missed DH it was absolutely worth it. Wouldn't do it now with DC so easily but otherwise I'd go for it!

Justanotherzombie Fri 27-Apr-18 10:02:33

I personally think you would be unreasonable. If your relationship is strong enough for marriage it’s strong enough for him being away a year. It would be short sighted to make him stay for a shit reason such as jealousy.

keepmoving Fri 27-Apr-18 10:03:10

Also as you've always want to go there, could he negotiate/you pay for a couple of flights during the year so you get to experience the country on holiday?

Winchester13 Fri 27-Apr-18 10:03:58

Aww it’s a tough one. I wouldn’t like my dp to be abroad without me for a year, I would really miss him and find it really hard.
But I couldn’t really stop him going if it was a really good opportunity and something he really wanted to do.
You might just have to tell him exactly how you feel but let him decide in the end and if he does go away just keep thinking of the future.

yakari Fri 27-Apr-18 10:07:02

Break it down - does he have any trips home or is it a full year stint? Can you visit for weekends or meet half way? Do you have kids - and are they in school? If no kids or not in school - why do you have to stay where you are? Can't you move back to where your friends/family even just for the year?
Once you break it down it might not seem so insurmountable.

sharkirasharkira Fri 27-Apr-18 10:08:56

I know that logically it seems the best thing to do but emotionally I'm just distraught.

I think it would be a bit different if I had family and friends for support and company, they would keep me busy and the time would indeed fly. But because its just me it seems like an absolute lifetime. I do go regularly to visit family (who live in another part of the country) but that's only once every few months and in between will be nothing but sitting at home on my own.

I'm not sure yet if there will be the opportunity for visits. The country is pretty far from here and multiple flights will eat into that all important salary. There are certain times of the year I can't take off as its too busy.

Euphrasia Fri 27-Apr-18 10:10:20

This might also give you the opportunity to try to be a bit more independent. Join a sport or something and see if you make some friends. I'm currently on my own as DH is working away but to be fair, I'm used to it. It's hard but not permanent. If it's not working out you can rethink it. Keep thinking that this will be worth it in the end. Good luck!!

sharkirasharkira Fri 27-Apr-18 10:11:49

I can't move back to where my family are, they live in London and its astronomically expensive, which I why I left in the first place!

flossietoot Fri 27-Apr-18 10:13:24

You need to make a life for yourself. Even if he was still with you, it is completely unhealthy to have no other friends. Do you have kids?? They are a great way to meet other people through the school and getting them involved in things. Or if younger you could hook in with Surestart or Homestart or other groups you can take kids too x
Let him go and use it as an opportunity for your own personal development

DuchyDuke Fri 27-Apr-18 10:14:58

Can’t you go with him?

QuiteLikely5 Fri 27-Apr-18 10:14:58

I would give him your blessing. It’s a small sacrifice. He will get holidays and so will you. You don’t need to fly out to where he is you can meet in the middle.

Buying a home outright for a years work is not to be sniffed at. And is a rare situation to find yourself in

Battleax Fri 27-Apr-18 10:15:37

A house and a wedding in exchange for a year of self development? Come on.

DairyisClosed Fri 27-Apr-18 10:15:47

If I were your bf I would resent you for stopping me. Why don't you just move back to wherever your family is for the year?

MyotherUsernameisaPun Fri 27-Apr-18 10:16:00

First things first I would really bottom out why you can't go with him - presumably the country isn't unsafe if it's somewhere you've always wanted to go? If not, what is his reason? Does he have to live in company housing or similar? Even if he is working long and unsociable hours it might still be better for you to be there.

If it's really an impossibility I think you have to remember that a year is not a long time in the grand scheme of your lives. It will fly by. You would likely be able to visit him and he will be able to come home and see you. Plus there is whatsapp and Skype for regular contact. It's not easy and I don't envy you but it is absolutely manageable and if it would set you up for life it would be worth the sacrifice.

The third question is whether a similarly good opportunity is possible in the U.K. - if he is likely to get a really good and well paid job that he would enjoy as much here, it's less of an issue to turn this one down. But if this is a rare opportunity you have to ask whether it is too big to lose - and wonder if he would resent having to turn it down?

KirstenRaymonde Fri 27-Apr-18 10:17:25

Completely understand your feelings and why you wouldn’t want him to go, but I think considering the benefits you need to let him go. A year will fly by! Can you fly back and forth for weekends/weeks even if you can’t be there all the time?

ThisIsTheFirstStep Fri 27-Apr-18 10:18:11

Could you spend the year on building your life and confidence so you're not so reliant on him? Make new friends, get some hobbies, do what you need to do to be a full person without him.

KatharinaRosalie Fri 27-Apr-18 10:18:34

You would be U to hold him back just because you would be bored and lonely. Why don't you use this time to make some friends?

Aridane Fri 27-Apr-18 10:18:41

Go with him? or use this as an opportunity to gain some independence and develop some friendships.

notapizzaeater Fri 27-Apr-18 10:19:20

I'd tell h8m to grab the opportunity with both hands and be looking at groups /clubs etc I could join

It's no healthy to be so dependent on each other and will do you good to build some friends.

LifeBeginsAtGin Fri 27-Apr-18 10:19:46

There are many families where one partner works abroad.

My father worked away and I remember him once going away for 9 months. But it was his job, he loved it and we survived.

Try not to let your neediness spoil a great opportunity. Join a gym or evening class and makes some friends and make a life for yourself too.

OakIsBetterTho Fri 27-Apr-18 10:20:55

I appreciate how you feel about the situation is making you struggle to see how it would work but I think you'd be mad to stop him doing this, and you run the risk of him resenting you evermore for essentially scuppering your chances of buying a home together, at least in the near future.
A year will fly by. You'll be fine and in a way, I can't help but think it may be the perfect opportunity for you to gain some independence.

scaryteacher Fri 27-Apr-18 10:21:09

It's a year, that's all. It is not as hard as you make it sound, honest. Dh was away for 2 years before I moved to join him, and I only saw him at holidays and half term. I was teaching full time and ds was at prep school, so between school runs, my teaching and marking load, and dealing with all the stuff to keep a house going, I didn't have time to miss him.

I used the time (well, what time I had) to hog the remote, do some studying, and if I wanted to go shopping one day without being moaned at, I could do so. Look on it as time to pursue things that you otherwise wouldn't.

You also say that you won't ever get a mortgage without this. It's short term pain for long term gain. You would regret later I think, not taking this opportunity to sort out your future. Life doesn't give one that many great opportunities, and to turn one like this down would be madness.

ShweShwe Fri 27-Apr-18 10:22:09

You really really can't stop someone from doing something like this. You might stop him, he might agree not to go - but know this - it will be between you for ever and ever.

As others have said, you should take this opportunity to widen your own horizons - hopefully to the point where you are no longer so needy and dependent on just one other person.

Theknacktoflying Fri 27-Apr-18 10:22:30

As others have said, it would be an ideal opportunity to spend some time on you and be on a better financial footing.

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