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To ask partner to move out 5 weeks postpartum

(190 Posts)
Misswhitman Fri 27-Apr-18 08:12:31

My little boy is 5 weeks old and is my first child. My partner and I currently live in a flat that is owned by myself and my mother.

When I was pregnant he had his bouts of being unsupportive, he still went out drinking regularly, even close to my due date. He always gave me a time he would return but never stuck to it. Sometimes he would get so drunk he would come home and vomit.

I thought things would maybe be different when the baby got here. I had an emergency cesarian and on the way to go pick my mother up to see me post delivery he stopped at the pub. He also went to the pub when my son was 6 days old.

Since Friday he has been out after work every day except Monday. Granted not all of these occasions were to the pub, he also went to his siblings home, but he knew I was at home struggling with an ill baby and had no respite. He is leaving at 6am and returning home no earlier than 8pm. Two nights ago he asked if he could go watch Chelsea in the pub. Trying to encourage him to be respectful and ask if I need anything before making plans I happily said yes.

The next day he messaged me at 4pm saying he would be home in an hour, 9pm rolls around and no word, no answer on the phone either. Eventually he gets in touch at 10pm and says he’s out drinking with his dad. I went berserk because it was the 6th day bar one he had been out and I had genuinely thought he had been in an accident. I asked him not to come home.

Yesterday morning he asked if he could return and I let him, he spent the entire day in bed, vomiting and shivering due to his hangover. I told him I needed space but left it as he was in no fit state to go anywhere.

I desperately don’t want to be a single mum but I’m at my wits end. Am I being unreasonable wanting him to spend his spare time at home?

tinkertailorsoldierspyy Fri 27-Apr-18 08:14:25

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. LTB without a doubt.

Has he shown any interest in his son whatsoever?

kaytee87 Fri 27-Apr-18 08:14:26

He sounds like he has an alcohol problem. I'd kick him out, you've enough to deal with.

MyNameIsTotoro Fri 27-Apr-18 08:18:01

You sound very sensible. He sounds like an alcoholic/twat.

Kick him out and LTB. Hopefully you've not given baby his surname?

Chinesecrested Fri 27-Apr-18 08:18:03

He hasn't really grown up yet, has he? He's a father now, not an attention seeking big kid. He needs to man up, or get out.

Buggeritimgettingup Fri 27-Apr-18 08:18:39

Bloody hell you are definitely not being unreasonable. Get him out.

Misswhitman Fri 27-Apr-18 08:21:37

I think he does as he is always out with his friends down the pub. The unfortunate thing is his family and friends all think I’m being over the top about his drinking, including my mother in law. He loves his son but in terms of the practical side of things I get barley any help, as soon as he starts crying he’s back to me. He makes a holy show of being super dad in front of his family though.

I know it’s a terrible thing to think but he has such a big family and my mother in law is so obsessed with the baby (she visits every day) that part of me wants to stay together because I can’t bare the idea of splitting custody. I don’t know how i’ll cope without my son for a weekend or worse, at Christmas.

Misswhitman Fri 27-Apr-18 08:22:51

The baby hasn’t been registered yet, our appointment is Wednesday. He was dragging his heels because he’s got so much work on. He won’t hear of my son having my name.

SeamusMacDubh Fri 27-Apr-18 08:26:28

If you aren't married and he doesn't show up to register him, then you don't have to put him on the birth certificate but thats a big decision to make and has various implications down the line.

mummymeister Fri 27-Apr-18 08:26:34

So, I will go against the grain here. I think when it comes to babies the woman carrying them has a big advantage in that you have known for months whats coming and understood the disruption to your life. He hasn't really taken this all on board and hasn't realised that having a child is a massive life and game changer.

you need to sit down with him and explain how you are feeling and say that actually, next time the baby cries he can deal with it. but you do have to stick to it and you do have to let him take charge a bit even if he isn't doing things the way you would do them. change your routine so for example you feed the baby but he changes and puts to bed.

I know everyone else is going to pile in and say, you shouldn't have to do this but with some men you do. they need it spelling out and need to realise what the new normal is.

SeamusMacDubh Fri 27-Apr-18 08:27:09

Maybe a break might shock him into realising that his behaviour is beyond unacceptable and all that he has to lose.

Solasum Fri 27-Apr-18 08:27:14

Re the name, he is being an arse. My son has my name and his dad’s name, unhyphenated. This has worked well for us, both families use their bit of the name.

As you aren’t married you would be able to register the baby without him. Make an appointment and stick to it. And don’t give in over the name

DannyLaRuesBestFrock Fri 27-Apr-18 08:27:48

But you are a single mum already.

Why not be one without the vomiting, disrespectful, crappy father tosspot, loser.

kaytee87 Fri 27-Apr-18 08:29:15

Don't give the baby his name! This relationship is unlikely to last and you'll be the one left with the baby (as he's already demonstrated)

Fishface77 Fri 27-Apr-18 08:29:17

Your a single mum anyway but with a baby and a leech.

MyNameIsTotoro Fri 27-Apr-18 08:29:58

So what if he won't hear of YOUR baby having YOUR name. You're the one doing all the work whilst he gets pissed/plays super dad.

He doesn't sound like the sort who would step up and share custody anyway, and sod MIL on this, she's just enabling his terrible behaviour.

Ickyockycocky Fri 27-Apr-18 08:31:14

💐 Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I’m so sorry you are faced with this awful situation but I really think you should ask him to leave. I can’t see a future for you with this man and you need to be strong for yourself and your newborn.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 27-Apr-18 08:31:41

He's showing you who he is - which appears to be the same person who he was through the pregnancy and probably before. He prioritises nights in the pub and his friends.

You can try and change him; but if he hasn't done that for his own baby, I wouldn't rate your chances.

Smeddum Fri 27-Apr-18 08:33:38

But you are a single mum already

With the additional stress and responsibility for a useless, selfish twat.

Go and register your baby, by yourself. He can be added later if needs be, but for now, I’d go and do it by yourself.

PhoebefromFriends Fri 27-Apr-18 08:34:06

Do not give your son his name surname, your relationship sounds precarious so I would register the baby alone and give him your name or at least hyphenate it.

Your partner clearly can't cope and you have a newborn I would ask him to move out at least temporarily in the hope that would bring him to his senses.

I would call on any other support you have available to help you in the meantime.

HesterShaw Fri 27-Apr-18 08:36:16

I'd echo what the others said. Love, you are a single mum already. He won't change.

summerinthecountry Fri 27-Apr-18 08:39:16

Register the baby alone and ask him to move out.

Your mother in law needs to stop coming every day, it is too much, and once he is out she will try her best to get you to change your mind.

Do you have some family and friends that can come and help out for a while, you may like to have a buffer zone in the shape of a friend or two at the door for the next few weeks sending away his family.

He sounds like he has issues with alcohol and this isn't safe you or your newborn baby. You are most def not U.

Rainbowqueeen Fri 27-Apr-18 08:40:51

Don't give the baby his name. You can always change it later if things improve.

He sounds like an alcoholic to me. YANBU asking him to move out. It may be the shock he needs to get himself together. It will also give you time to think about what you want and need. Don't worry about what family say, they aren't the ones having to deal with it.

You only get one life.
Best wishes

Misswhitman Fri 27-Apr-18 08:41:28

I think part of the issue is that he thinks my mum is here to help me and his mum can be over every day if I need help so why am I complaining. My mum went away for a week to test this theory and it was bliss, he was so helpful. I’m not making excuses. I have tried sitting him down and talking to him, I’ve cried to him, it lasts a day. That’s why I was so furious this time as I explained to him when he took his brother to watch the football spontaneously on Saturday that it hurt that at his first bit of free time he didn’t think to come home and take me and the baby out. Apologies never last.

I’ve asked him to leave to give me some space, we can both figure out what we want but I’ve told him he can’t have both me and baby and the single life.

His family is massive and overbearing so even if he didn’t fight for custody his mother would.

humblesims Fri 27-Apr-18 08:42:40

He won’t hear of my son having my name
Get your son registered in your name. You are already effectively a single parent. He is not going to change. Start planning a better life for yourself and your son. Your DP should be shouldering responsibility and giving you support at this time not being a twat. flowers

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