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AIBU?

To expect more from DH than this?

64 replies

3boys3dogshelp · 27/04/2018 01:37

I’m feeling increasingly resentful of the amount of time my DH is spending out of the house but I’m not sure if it’s him being selfish or me being lazy and/or a bit depressed.
In the last two weeks he’s been here for 3 bedtimes. He’s worked 2 late shifts, but the rest of the time he’s doing various hobbies. He’s taken them to school 3 mornings.
The kids aren’t babies anymore (youngest 4, not at school) but they are generally hard work and they are definitely worse when I’m dealing with them on my own every night. I work PT.
I’m knackered, really fed up and I feel like a doormat. I’ve been feeling really down and I’m not being the mum I want to be but everything feels like too much work. He knows this and hasn’t changed his plans at all.
Tonight he’s got home on time but gone out 15 mins later to go for a bike ride until 9.15. He’s announced after coming home that he’s actually working late again tomorrow, which means home after 9. We’re out on Saturday so he won’t be doing bedtime then either. He can’t understand why I’m grumpy. AIBU??

OP posts:

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Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2018 01:40

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Your husband apparently decides to be a parent only when it suits him. I wouldn't put up with this bullshit for one second.

3boys3dogshelp · 27/04/2018 02:06

Thanks
I’ve tried explaining why I’m upset about it and he makes the right noises then does as he pleases anyway. Yesterday he was 3 hours late home. Today (bike ride planned) he left on time. But if I say that I’m being petty and he can’t help it if he has extra work to do.

OP posts:

3boys3dogshelp · 27/04/2018 02:07

How much time out is reasonable?? I honestly don’t know what other people do.

OP posts:

IlikemyTeahot · 27/04/2018 02:31

he's a selfish twat, you have my sympathies.....apologies I may be projecting here.

Do tell him what an arse he is xx
(projecting again sorry)

3boys3dogshelp · 27/04/2018 02:37

I’m honestly wondering if I’d be better off on my own. But I don’t want to do it on my own all the time. Feels a bit like cutting off my nose to spite my face. And the kids think he’s great and I’m boring and naggy so they’d be devastated.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 27/04/2018 02:45

That is not equal parenting.

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/04/2018 03:16

Ask him to come up with a solution that gives you both equal leisure time. And that has him doing 50% of bed times.

Coyoacan · 27/04/2018 03:30

And the kids think he’s great and I’m boring and naggy so they’d be devastated

Only you can decide if you want to keep on living like that, but separation would not necessarily mean that he disappears out of their lives. It seems like the normal arrangement is every other weekend and one night during the week. Which might possibly mean they would see more of him than they do now and you could be properly rested so that you aren't such a "nag".

Rainbowqueeen · 27/04/2018 04:05

So in the last fortnight there were 14 bedtimes. He was there for 3 and working for 2. And doing hobbies for 9.

I am not surprised you are resentful and other people definitely do not function like this.

You need to have a discussion where you both agree on a plan going forward. It should involve you both having equal leisure time and both equally sharing the hard parts of the day.

Work out for yourself before you sit down with him what would work for you. He seems happy to ride in the dark- would you prefer him to cycle in the morning? Can he cycle to work and so get his exercise in that way?

Make it clear to him exactly how you are feeling and that things need to change.

TroubledLichen · 27/04/2018 04:09

Of course he’s a cyclist... take up your own hobby, even if it’s going to the nearest pub for a glass of wine with a book! But seriously leisure time should be a 50:50 split, it’s obviously not feasible he does bedtime when he’s on a late shift or the school run when he needs to be in work early, but for every night he devotes to me-time you should get the same back. It’s called an equal partnership. He’s either in this with you or he’s not.

Littlelambpeep · 27/04/2018 04:13

I would leave the house once he gets in.

kirsty75005 · 27/04/2018 05:14

The problem is the unbalancedness, not the fact of being out of the house per se.

My husband and I both have serious hobbies on which we spend a fair amount of time. It works well because we're considerate of each other ie.

both of us ask the other if it's OK before organising an activity.
both of us keep track in our heads of who's been doing what lately and make a point of keeping things more or less even.
both of us try to organise our activities for times that impact less on family life.

newdaylight · 27/04/2018 05:25

I always think the solution at these times is for you to decide on s hobby (drawing class, gym, yoga, running, craft clubs, anything) and tell him you're doing some of those things for 2 or 3 nights next week.

And do it. And if he says he can't be there tell him its up to him to find a babysitter.

Also disappear at 9am Saturday morning on a hobby and come back at 2pm, telling him about it as you're leaving

If he doesn't like it, maybe he'll then understand.

ivykaty44 · 27/04/2018 05:30

Dose of his own medicine....

ivykaty44 · 27/04/2018 05:31

Calendar on the kitchen wall - if it’s not written on it’s not planned & happening, no more than half the week can be allocated to one parent

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 27/04/2018 05:44

I don't think it sounds all that horrific...

If there are 14 bedtimes and you split them half each (ie in theory you do 7 and he does 7), he's done 3 instead of 7. But he's also worked late twice, so I don't think you can really count that. I would probably rather do bedtime at home than be sitting in an office late.

So you're left with 2 nights where he did hobbies instead of his share of bedtimes. That does seem unfair, but is it usual, or is it just this particular fortnight? Can you insist he picks up a couple of extra nights in the next fortnight so you get some time out?

newdaylight · 27/04/2018 06:08

If there are 14 bedtimes and you split them half each (ie in theory you do 7 and he does 7), he's done 3 instead of 7. But he's also worked late twice, so I don't think you can really count that. I would probably rather do bedtime at home than be sitting in an office late.
Note that if he has hobby planned he can suddenly get home from work on time...

mrscampbellblackreturns · 27/04/2018 06:31

Well, my DH works away a lot and does a lot of cycling at weekends so I pretty much do the majority of child related stuff.

However I work part time and my children are at school so I have 2 days a week to do what I want so it still feels pretty equal to me.

I think you just need to talk to him.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 27/04/2018 06:36

Is there only me wondering who else attends the hobby with her dh?

Wisdens · 27/04/2018 06:47

Is there only me wondering who else attends the hobby with her dh?

Twenty post in and we are already insinuating he’s cheating.....

ferntwist · 27/04/2018 06:51

He’s being really selfish OP, you’re not being lazy. He manages to leave work early when he wants a bike ride, but not to fairly help in parenting his own children. Do you have any time for hobbies or yourself? It doesn’t sound like it.

Hippywannabe · 27/04/2018 06:54

Have to be honest and say it was my first thought! Has he always been like this or is this is a recent thing?

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Toast3 · 27/04/2018 06:58

So, even though he enjoys his hobbies he doesn’t think that you might like one...what would happen if you got a hobby? It’s not very balanced and I can see why you’re fed up!

Karigan1 · 27/04/2018 07:01

Honestly I think it depends on what he does. There are some jobs where you do just have to work late sometimes. Mine is one of them. It’s easy to say oh he’s just being a parent when he wants to but that isn’t necessarily the case. Before resentment builds anymore sit down with him and talk about his work and find out what it is that’s keeping him late. Has he got a particular client situation? Is a colleague sick so he’s picking up double work? Talk and find out first!

Quartz2208 · 27/04/2018 07:20

I think a starting point is agreeing with him over two weeks he has to be home in the evenings say 5/6 of them. If he needs to work late and he can’t meet that his hobbies time suffers as at the moment family time is bottom of the pile and that isn’t being petty.

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