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Ulterior motive to gift

(15 Posts)
LateLearner Thu 26-Apr-18 16:58:17

NC for this but regular poster.

Before I even start I'll say that yes I know he's an ex and "what does it matter" etc but still processing things so please bear with me.

I've fairly recently discovered that my now ex boyfriend was emotionally abusive in many ways. A bully, manipulative, controlling in a sexual, financial and other ways and generally not a nice guy underneath the "nice" he portrayed himself as.

For my birthday he bought me a block of driving lessons. I'm in my 40s and never been able to learn before now for a variety of reasons. The present had been discussed before my actual birthday and I told him that whilst very kind and generous that I didn't feel comfortable accepting because they cost so much and that I'd struggle to find money for any more once the block of 10 ran out and I could certainly never afford a car. I also had to pay out to renew my provisional driving license with a new photo and address. However he insisted and I figured that even if I couldn't afford any more then at least I'd have learnt the basics which would stand me in good stead for when I was able to afford more.

I'm trying to reconcile why someone abusive would do something so nice for me and give me this opportunity. But I'm also thinking that maybe he wasn't being that nice at all because it was what he wanted me to do and insisted despite my misgivings on affordability in the long run.

He lived 40 miles away so I'm also thinking he'd suddenly have stopped coming over as much once I was driving and thereby make me go to his. I'll never know in that one but just part of my thoughts in this.

AIBU to think this was part of his wider abusive controlling nature or maybe he was actually being nice? It matters as I'm still working through the abusive patterns in the relationship and have started the Freedom Program to help prevent history repeating itself.

Any thoughts welcome.

Whatshallidonowpeople Thu 26-Apr-18 17:00:49

How can anyone speculate on his thoughts? What do you mean you recently discovered...? Do you mean to someone else?

LateLearner Thu 26-Apr-18 18:28:54

No, I mean he was emotionally abusive to me. I've come to realise I'd normalised his behaviour so didn't see it as abuse at the time.

Coastalcommand Thu 26-Apr-18 18:52:06

So you learned to drive?

LateLearner Thu 26-Apr-18 20:45:14

I had the block of lessons but can't afford any more which what he knew would be the case.

Maybe I wasn't clear with my question in my post.

user1493413286 Thu 26-Apr-18 20:51:31

My abusive ex used to buy expensive presents or do things to look like a “nice guy” or show me how “well he treated me”.
It didn’t matter that I didn’t want an expensive tablet for and actually wanted 3 smaller gifts because it was more important to him to look generous and tell everyone what he got me/throw it in my face if I got upset at his abusive ways.
Not sure if that’s the case with yours. Also no one is all bad which is how they keep the relationship going by doing some nice things but they are always outweighed by the abuse no matter how much we try to convince ourselves otherwise

user1493413286 Thu 26-Apr-18 20:52:56

So really I believe things like that are part of the abuse and control

RedHelenB Thu 26-Apr-18 21:02:08

YABU to spend time thinking about this if he is an ex.,but I would carry on with lessons.

Prestonsflowers Thu 26-Apr-18 21:02:22

If you are able to, please try not to focus on the ‘nice’ side of him.
It doesn’t matter what his motives were in buying you that present.
All that matters is where you are now emotionally. Try and train your brain to move on as soon as you think of him.
Best of luck

LateLearner Thu 26-Apr-18 21:06:46

User that makes sense. He also previously bought me expensive sunglasses knowing that I only ever buy cheap ones as they get trashed because I wear them all the time and they get pushed up on my head so stretch, get yanked off by LO or I drop them or whatever. We'd actually had a conversation about this and then he gives me a pair of expensive ones literally a week after I bought myself new cheap ones. And then I felt really ungrateful. He said it wasn't an issue if I didn't like them and could exchange them but I was then restricted to having to get something from the same website for the same value and I hated knowing how much he'd spent. I eventually got him to get a refund and I chose a much cheaper gift that I really wanted and was half the price. He was annoyed. He also had a habit of letting me know how much anything he spent on me or for me cost. Again I told him I didn't like knowing the cost of things as he was much better off than me.

LateLearner Fri 27-Apr-18 14:24:45

Just realised the Easter egg he bought me was a caramel collection one despite the fact I'd told him I don't like caramel and don't like nestle chocolate. I wasn't expecting an Easter egg so again another example of him totally disregarding my thoughts, feelings and preferences on things yet looking like he's being nice.

LateLearner Sun 29-Apr-18 15:20:48

Another example has just sprung to mind today. We were meeting up somewhere so I could meet his kids and he said he'd bring a picnic. There were 5 of us altogether and he brought barely enough to count even as snacks along with some quiche things containing eggs (naturally) and tomato. Fine except I'd very clearly told him I couldn't eat eggs and don't like tomatoes. Apparently rly he and his kids had eaten most of the stuff on the way to meet us.

Other things have come to mind too. Wanker.

DragonMummy1418 Sun 29-Apr-18 15:32:12

Are you in contact with him now? I'd cut contact if i was you if you are.

LateLearner Sun 29-Apr-18 15:39:51

No, I blocked him after I finished with him.

pigsDOfly Sun 29-Apr-18 15:48:25

My exh was like that, still is come to that. He'd give you things that he decided he wanted to give regardless of whether or not you wanted them or they were of any use to you.

He does this with our adult DCs he will give them stuff that he has been given or things that they wouldn't use in a million years because they are to his taste.

I've always felt it was part of his controlling nature.

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