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Should I tell my mum?

(332 Posts)
MousyLousy Thu 26-Apr-18 15:59:37

I have NC for this as it's very outing. Please be kind with me as my head is spinning.

I'm in my early 20s. My dad decided to up and leave my mum about 3 months ago now. They've been married 25 years and always seemed happy to us (adult) kids. He moved into a flat near my house, which is about half an hour from my mum's, and said it'd be nice because he could see me (and my DC) more.

He's been acting really shady the past few months and made weird excuses for things. My mum wondered if he left her for another woman.

Dad decided to take us on a coastal weekend away which was quite nice but felt a bit forced. He went out to watch football one night with my DP and my sister and I went snooping as we felt like we were being lied to. Yes, I know IABU to have done this, but it was very fruitful. Turns out he has a whole secret life. We found:
- receipts for a very posh restaurant for a meal and drinks for 2 people amounting to an eye-watering £425
- an annual joint gym membership for himself, his new woman and her four children
- a receipt for work done on a new 7 seater Audi Q7
- John Lewis order forms for furniture amounting to thousands being delivered to an address just down the road from his flat. Some of it under her name and some under his.

Since we found her name we did some googling. She's 30. He's almost 50. She's only a few years older than me. One of her kids only looks slightly older than mine.
We found this address where furniture has been delivered to. The house was purchased in September for half a million pounds - we're in the North so this is a lot of money. It's a huge house.

My dad swears there is no other woman and is blaming the divorce on my mum; says she was hard to live with and fell out of love with her. Thats certainly true, my mum is difficult and we never had a good relationship when I was younger. But she does love my dad to bits.

So here's the thing. He sent the divorce papers through on Wednesday. He is suggesting she keep their family home (worth approx. £400k) her car (£20k) and the money in their joint account (not sure, around £80k), if he can have both of their rental properties (worth probably £400k joint), his car (£50k) and his pension (£???). My mum is thinking of agreeing to this.

My issue is:-
1) I think he has money stashed away. He's a managing director and earns £130k a year. He's obviously put a lot of money into this new house with his new woman, and bought a new car outright and furniture and god knows what else. Mum found he's funnelled over £15k in small increments out of the joint account throughout Jan and Feb without her even noticing.
2) my mum gave up her job when we were little at his request so she could be a SAHM to us kids. She never went back to work and instead does lots of volunteering projects and bakes from home which is pretty much non-profit, maybe £1k a year. Because of this she has little-to-no personal savings, just the money in their joint account. She also has no recent work experience and no pension except a tiny one from when she used to work before having us. She's found herself a job but it's only just over min wage due to her lack of experience and 'modern' skills with computers etc. My dad always said his pension would have them sorted for retirement but now he's planning to keep it himself.

What do I do? Tell my mum about the affair so she can counter his divorce and get a better, fairer settlement? Pretend I don't know and keep out of it due to the risk of falling out with my dad?

Sorry for the rambling. sad

WhiteCoyote Thu 26-Apr-18 16:01:35

If this were me I’d tell your mum so she could take the bastard for all she’s entitled too.

I may be bitter and biased though grin

Aprilmightbemynewname Thu 26-Apr-18 16:02:43

Personally I would gather enough evidence to make sure dm had a better future than the one your df is currently facing her with.
Imo your loyalty should be to her.
He is a cf.

kokolokoko Thu 26-Apr-18 16:03:30

Wow, that's a hard situation to be in. If I was your Mum I'd want to know. Your father has been dishonest and he should be pulled up on that, your mother also deserves to know all the facts regarding the finances before making a decision. Good luck OP and don't put too much pressure on yourself to do whats best for everyone, it's impossible!

MousyLousy Thu 26-Apr-18 16:09:42

I just hate the idea of telling her as she'll be devastated and upset I didn't tell her straight away. My dad will probably never speak to me again and it was really bad for us to have gone through his pockets.

TorviBrightspear Thu 26-Apr-18 16:12:04

Tell your mum. Your dad's actions risk leaving your mum worse off. He has no moral highground if he's willing to do that.

Fridasfridgefreezer Thu 26-Apr-18 16:13:20

Tell your mum. Your dad is trying to fleece her.

Aprilmightbemynewname Thu 26-Apr-18 16:15:11

Your priority needs to be your dm.

Idontdowindows Thu 26-Apr-18 16:15:11

Tell your mother. Make sure she gets decent legal representation.

Yes, it will hurt her, but it will her here more financially and emotionally if you do not tell her now.

Hopefully it will also make her angry enough to fight for everything she is entitled to.

theculture Thu 26-Apr-18 16:15:25

What will happen if you don't tell her

I will be easier for you not to be the messenger but she will still be massively upset - and poorer

Can you ask someone, a friend, family member to tell her?

ShameOnFew Thu 26-Apr-18 16:16:11

Because of this she has little-to-no personal savings, just the money in their joint account.

Not the point, I appreciate, but if your mum is being offered a £400k house, a £20k car, £80k cash and has a pension she's hardly destitute given you live in a cheap part of the country.

Dad sounds like a git though. Sorry he's put you through this.

TheDrinksAreOnMe Thu 26-Apr-18 16:16:37

Fuck that, tell your mum

Racmactac Thu 26-Apr-18 16:17:32

Advise your mum that she should proceed with financial disclosure so she can be 100% sure about what he has. Don't agree to anything until they have done that.

You can then help her to go through bank accounts etc and you will probably find the discrepancies

Or you could just tell her what you've found. Bastard.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 26-Apr-18 16:18:03

Tell your Mum. Poor lady.

Help her get the settlement she's entitled to.

Whether or not your Dad forgives you depends on what he values more - a relationship with you and your DC or money...

humblesims Thu 26-Apr-18 16:20:51

Or...tell your Dad to play fair regarding divorce settlement otherwise you will tell your Mum.

HollowTalk Thu 26-Apr-18 16:23:12

I don't think you need to tell your mum all that you've found out, to be honest. He's left home and he can spend his money on furniture etc.

However, she needs a red hot lawyer. He can suggest whatever he wants, but that doesn't mean that's what he's going to get.

Trinity66 Thu 26-Apr-18 16:25:31

Tell her.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Thu 26-Apr-18 16:25:34

The pension share for your mum is extremely important, she needs to get proper legal advice.

TakeMeToKernow Thu 26-Apr-18 16:25:42

Blimey.

YABU to tell your mum. It will indeed devastate her and your Dad is entitled to a new (and private) life, just as your mum is.

If your dad is trying to put some time and distance between the breakup and the revelation of a new relationship, then, it might not look like it, but he is trying to minimise the hurt to your Mum and I’d try not to jeopardise that.

I’m sure some others will correct me if I’m wrong, but courts don’t apportion “blame” and so citing adultery in the divorce won’t be a benefit - it’ll just end up more painful a process if he defends the allegation sad

But

Your Dad is BVVU to want to not split his pension! That is seriously U!!

Unless he’s proposing some spousal maintenance rather than a clean break?

BewareOfDragons Thu 26-Apr-18 16:25:47

Tell your mum about the affair.

Tell her not to give up her rights to his pension. It will be worth a bloody fortune, and she will need to retire, too.

AntipodeanOpalEye Thu 26-Apr-18 16:26:41

I would tell my Mother in the scenario you've outlined. It's not as if she isn't going to find out later. I'm sure he plans on presenting OW and 4 DC's after a period of time post divorce and lie about the timeline. If he is hiding funds that she would be entitled to her is not only cheating on her emotionally and physically but financially.

VanillaPriscilla Thu 26-Apr-18 16:28:57

tell your mum
it's unfair not to
she is making her decision on what she knows at the moment not what's being hidden from her

mydietstartsmonday Thu 26-Apr-18 16:29:34

You don't have to admit to snooping.

Your mum needs a good solicitor and then maybe a PI (though you are doing a good job) it just gets it out of it being you that found out the info
The fact that he is blaming her when she is down.
You need to make sure your Mum is financially OK
She needs 50% of everything including his pension and if he paid money towards that house part of that house.

If he remarries his wealth could end up with her family.

MousyLousy Thu 26-Apr-18 16:30:14

I just hate the idea of telling her as she'll be devastated and upset I didn't tell her straight away. My dad will probably never speak to me again and it was really bad for us to have gone through his pockets.

flumpybear Thu 26-Apr-18 16:30:42

Confront your dad and tell him tondo the right thing by your mum - he sounds like a shit bag

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