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Babysitter affair AIBU?

(95 Posts)
Orangewater33 Thu 26-Apr-18 15:35:43

Need to get the small details in so this could be a little lengthy..
A few months ago on a weekend away with my bf he takes a call from one of his exes, he's on good terms with all his exes and this doesn't bother me at all however I later found out that rather than an 'ex' this is a girl he slept with when she was his teenage babysitter fifteen years ago.
He's vague about what age she was then(15/16/17?) but certainly 17 was the maximum, he was in his mid forties(single at the time)..
I was appalled and considered honestly ending things with him, we had a long talk about it and I explained how I felt and how inappropriate I thought it was that she was still calling him(she's now married with kids) he told me he understood and felt bad and that he would cut contact with her.
Fast forward to last night and his phone rings he goes into the office, I'm half asleep on the sofa but go into the office to get my glasses and hes on Skype with some girl...'oh this is my friend xxxxx' I say hi and go back to the other room..he arrives a while later and tells me 'oh thats xxxxx the babysitter'...I'm obviously pissed off and a bit what the hell I thought we had this conversation, why is she skyping you at 11 o clock at night? Why are you answering? Why did you tell me you understood it wasn't cool and you were cutting contact but clearly you didn't listen to a word I said?
His idea is that there is nothing between them and they just say hi every so often...which I think is incredibly naive at best...you dont skype another guy at almost midnight when your husband is out of the house and doesn't know, especially in that situation? Or am I being OTT?
I'm so upset apart from this I feel we have a great relationship and he's very loving and kind..I just really am dissappointed and lost a lot of faith when I realised that when I was sincerely explaining my feelings the first time and thought he was sincerely listening it was basically going in one ear and out the other.
It's the morning after and he wants me to 'cheer up' and 'doesn't want to argue' but I just feel grim. I'm not a jealous person and like I said he's friends with all his exes and sees them regularly and there's no problem..this just feels wrong and I'm being made to feel like the controlling girlfriend 'I'll tell her my girlfriend doesn't want us to talk anymore'...argh.

NotExactlyHappyToHelp Thu 26-Apr-18 15:40:06

I’m sorry but to me I couldn’t get passed the fact that in his mid fourties he had sex with a child. I don’t care if she was of the legal age I would still consider her in this situation to have been a vulnerable child.

That to me is the big problem not whether he still talks to her.

Trinity66 Thu 26-Apr-18 15:41:03

Bloody hell, the age 15/16/17 is important here, 15 & 16 are both underage (in Ireland anyway) and even 17 is a bit creepy as well. Also, besides that, he totally ignored all your concerns, honestly I don't know if I could stay with a guy like that

Eatalot Thu 26-Apr-18 15:44:07

Wtf. You dont seem worried your bf could potentaially be a child abuser or at the least a total creeper.

HariboIsMyCrack Thu 26-Apr-18 15:50:21

So he abused a relationship of trust with someone who may well have been under age and is treating you with a total lack of respect. He sounds like a prize, OP.

No, you are not being OTT.

inTIRFace Thu 26-Apr-18 15:51:04

The age is important.

It changes things from being absolutely fine to illegal.

Mousefunky Thu 26-Apr-18 15:54:22

The age is highly relevant as he possibly broke the law. He sounds like a bit of a creep in all honesty... what self-respecting person in their mid fourties has any remote interest in a teenager? I am late twenties and have zero interest in teenagers.

OnTheRise Thu 26-Apr-18 15:54:41

I’m sorry but to me I couldn’t get passed the fact that in his mid fourties he had sex with a child. I don’t care if she was of the legal age I would still consider her in this situation to have been a vulnerable child.

This.

Onlyhavetwohands Thu 26-Apr-18 15:56:18

You say she was his babysitter. What were the circumstances?

Imsosceptical Thu 26-Apr-18 15:59:18

Agree with every comment, the red alarm bell is ringing off the scale, what on earth are you doing with this creep?

DiddimusStench Thu 26-Apr-18 16:00:08

Of course the age is bloody important!! If she was 15 he RAPED her!! At the very best, he abused a position of trust to have sex with a child.

TheDrinksAreOnMe Thu 26-Apr-18 16:00:20

Ooooooooooh hell no

This man sounds like a sneaky creep. Run!

Imsosceptical Thu 26-Apr-18 16:02:10

Also, have you considered that maybe he is keeping on friendly terms with her because he’s terrified she might actually walk into a police station one day and discuss the relationship she had with him when she was 15....???? It always bites back eventually .....

BitOutOfPractice Thu 26-Apr-18 16:02:40

He sounds absolutely grim OP

You don't need to "cheer up" you need to dump him

Orangewater33 Thu 26-Apr-18 16:05:45

Apparently she was the age of consent in this country and yes that was exactly my thoughts too...this is something hanging over him the rest of his life.
He was a single dad and she was coming on to him for some time. Eventually the mum found out and allowed the relationship to continue because he was 'keeping her daughter out of trouble' the whole thing is so messed up.

Hissy Thu 26-Apr-18 16:06:55

So he finds teenage girls sexually attractive.

Do you have kids yourself?

TammySwansonTwo Thu 26-Apr-18 16:07:57

Don’t tell me - you’re quite a bit younger than him?

It’s utterky disgusting and possibly criminal. I’d end it as soon as he admitted this.

halfwitpicker Thu 26-Apr-18 16:08:41

WTAF? Keeping the daughter out of trouble?!

And he's still in touch with her, wow

rebeccabecca Thu 26-Apr-18 16:09:03

I'm sorry but this made me feel a bit ill. I couldn't get past it.

Sparklesocks Thu 26-Apr-18 16:09:28

As PP have said, there was a change she was underage which is illegal, and should be cause for concern. But even if she was over 16, I still think it’s a bit creepy. I know it’s above board and everything but I do judge men in their 40s who sleep with such young women barely out of puberty, it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. That’s my personal opinion.

Even if she was of age at the time and some time has passed and she’s older, I would also ask why he was keeping in touch with her. Surely they have zilch in common? What do they talk about? Age differences don’t matter as much when you get older, but when one party is so young you do wonder what shared interests they have. So I would be suspicious that they’re having an affair, or think he likes keeping her around as she makes him feel good about himself – after all she’s a young woman who is showing interest in him.

Honestly OP I would be wary.

Justanotherzombie Thu 26-Apr-18 16:10:02

Oh goodness, he’s a creep. What kind of man does that! Not a good one. I’m sorry OP but you have not chosen a good one.

Twounder1 Thu 26-Apr-18 16:10:42

He's basically had sex with a minor..
I'd ditch him. If she was 15, for one it's illegal. An two.. Doesn't it creep you out?

Imsosceptical Thu 26-Apr-18 16:11:43

It’s so messed up as you say, he’s a creep, let’s be honest, you are worth more, you deserve better xx

BubblesAndSquarks Thu 26-Apr-18 16:11:56

My partner talking to ex's would be an fairly big issue, and I also wouldn't do that out of respect for my partner.
My partner sleeping with a teenager in his 40s I would have ended it the second I found out.

flubdub Thu 26-Apr-18 16:13:04

No no. NO NO NO NO NO.

I've been in a similar situation where my DP has had female "friends".
Women know women and what they can do.
Turned out my DPs "friends" always tried to ruin my relationship, and caused horrendous amounts of trouble between us. It's happened 3 times with him.

He needs to stop it, NOW.

He shouldn't be doing it anyway if t makes you uncomfortable. Don't let him down play it and make you feel like you're over reacting.

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