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AIBU?

To want OH to back me up?

27 replies

GoldilocksTheGraceless · 26/04/2018 13:12

My OH and I were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend and hit it off 4 years ago. We're now engaged with a mortgage and enjoying our first pregnancy. So it feels like we have a lot to thank our friend!
Sadly, we visited this friend and his fiancée over Easter and he told me that I am 'living with a curse and I would be irresponsible by getting pregnant and passing on this curse'. He was referring to my mental health which is and has been stable for 10 years. Little did he know that we had just conceived.
Just to be clear, his tone was patronising and belittling, not joking at all and he failed to see why I would find that offensive.
I should say that this firmed is getting married in September and my OH is his Best Man...
This weekend is the friend's fiancee's birthday. I have said that I'd rather not go because I'm still hurt by his comments (which she supported him in), and I don't want to be spending my time with people who believe this about me and my future child.
However, OH still wants to go without me. I appreciate that they have been friends for years (they went to school together etc) but what has to happen for my OH to put me first?

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TeasndToast · 26/04/2018 13:18

What did he say to them at the time? Or you for that matter ?

willynillypie · 26/04/2018 13:20

This is not super helpful but I would not be able to be with someone who didn't back me up, especially with just a friend (as opposed to MIL or something). It's a sign of things to come and you need to lay down the law right now and explain his friend said something highly shitty and he needs to make it clear it was disrespectful and hurtful and you want an apology. You are having his child and getting married and should take priority.

HollowTalk · 26/04/2018 13:22

Bloody hell, what a horrible bloke! And your partner wants to stay friends with him? Why would he want that?

Smeddum · 26/04/2018 13:24

I’d expect DP to support me in that situation. Just as I’d support him if someone said something so offensive (and ill informed!) to him.

GoldilocksTheGraceless · 26/04/2018 13:26

@TeasndToast at the time, he stood by my side and supported me in responding to the friend and his fiancée so I did feel backed up then.

I feel so disrespected by this person, and I don't usually let people in general get to me like that, but this is a really close mate and I know he didn't say it without really meaning it. I don't think I can go so far as to ask my OH not to be his BM, but surely not to go to this bday event?

Thank you all for your support xx

OP posts:

Bramble71 · 26/04/2018 13:28

I would absolutely expect OH to back me up. You're not being unreasonable at all, in both respects. The so called friend said a horrible thing and your partner didn't stand up for you. It's an unpleasant and worrying situation.

bonnyshide · 26/04/2018 13:30

I wouldn't be attending birthday event or the wedding until I received an apology if I were you.

lindyhopy · 26/04/2018 13:33

I think he could back you up by having a word and telling friend how out of order he was but I don't think that means the friendship is over and he shouldn't be allowed to go for his birthday party. If you don't want to go fair enough but OH should go if he wants.

GoldilocksTheGraceless · 26/04/2018 13:33

So actually there was an apology about an hour after it happened... but you know when it just feels like a 'tick box' exercise rather than a genuine apology? It was as though they just wanted to shut me up kind of thing. Though that kind of puts the situation in a worse place because they probably feel like they have already apologised 😩 life is so messy sometimes! Definitely wish I could walk away from this so called friendship and have my OH wall confidently along with me

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 26/04/2018 13:34

How can your OH be friends with someone who disrespects you like that? It's ridiculous.

downthestrada · 26/04/2018 13:40

This is a crap situation sorry OP. It's one of those things that doesn't go away easily. And then you're left feeling unreasonable when it was actually this friend's fault in the first place. He caused it.

I would want my OH to have a word with him to explain how you BOTH feel. When your child arrives, it's going to be awkward knowing what this friend thinks. You might feel judged (even though you shouldn't) and your OH needs to let him know that he has caused an bad situation that may stay lingering for some time.

inTIRFace · 26/04/2018 14:10

" 'living with a curse and I would be irresponsible by getting pregnant and passing on this curse'. "

It's unfashionable to say but I can;t help but agree.

DragonMummy1418 · 26/04/2018 14:17

You don't have to see this man at all.
You don't have to have him in your life if you don't want.

What an arsehole! I'm actually raging for you!
Mental illness is not a curse, it's brain chemistry not working properly, the same way that liver disease is your liver not working or diabetes is your insulin not working properly!

I'd really recommend staying away from him and keeping your child away from him too! He could do some real damage saying something like that to a child!

DragonMummy1418 · 26/04/2018 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

inTIRFace · 26/04/2018 14:25

Why?

Our second son was born with a genetic condition passed on by my husband and died when he was 3. Because of this we made sure we wouldn't risk it again (vasectomy).

I don't expect sympathy or a change of opinion because of something I've only just revealed but I'm intrigued as to why I am disgusting.

Mental illness is as much a curse as any other disease? It can't be 'snapped out of' by the person with it and they have as little control as someone with a physical illness.

Liver disease (to use your example) is a curse and if it's likely passed to your children then it should be a factor in your decision to have children.

DuchyDuke · 26/04/2018 14:33

I have a cousin who’s mum had epilepsy and passed it onto her and her entire life has been horrific. But same can be said about people with Cancer and other conditions. Where do we, as a society draw a line? For ex - Sudden death runs in part of my dh’s family, have seen healthy children die suddenly because of it.

WowIFreelStrange · 26/04/2018 14:34

OP clearly mentioned it is a mental health problem. although we don't know what extent, not ALL mental conditions are passed on to offspring.
so you were wrong to say that. completely @IRL

OP I hope you're ok.

Hefzi · 26/04/2018 14:38

@inTIRFace I deliberately chose not to have children because of my MH issues: I couldn't stand the thought that I might pass the tendency on, or that hypothetical children might see me in the depths of despair and think it their fault/responsibility or cause them other damage by their exposure of living with someone with major recurring depressive disorder and GAD. I see completely where you are coming from.

But OP, at the same time, I understand your upset about what's happened, and send you congratulations on your pregnancy.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 26/04/2018 14:45

Are you offended because he might be right?

Is your MH strong enough to bring up children with all the stresses and sleepless nights etc they bring?

inTIRFace · 26/04/2018 14:47

@Hefzi

I can talk about this because it was several decades ago and although it will affect me for the rest of my life, it isn't raw.

It's a sad reflection on society when MH problems cannot be discussed. People think they're woke but by distinguishing between MH and PH disease they're showing their own ignorance.

I have mild and currently unmedicated MH problems and current evidence suggests that this is not genetic. If this had been different then it would have been a consideration in our decision to have children. I don't see my bi-polar as a curse as much as a facet of my personality; at the same time I wouldn't wish it on anyone and can see how stronger 'versions' can ruin lives.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/04/2018 14:54

DM has mh issues. Sectioned on a regular basis. Bipolar, manic depressive.
Regular electric shock therapies.

My self I am very happy person. No MH problems. Definitely no curse. I don't believe it can be passed on.

ConciseandNice · 26/04/2018 15:01

I actually have some sympathy both ways, as pp have said. A terrible disease whether physical or mental that can potentially be carried is a curse. Bad mental health runs in my family and it has destroyed many people over many generations. I still remember also those photos of that woman with MND breastfeeding her newborn baby in her hospital bed, unable to move and knowing she was going to die in the following few months. Her mother died of the same thing. She knowingly had a baby knowing she was dying and her daughter would also die of it as an adult. It was a haunting image and made me feel upset and sick. If we can at all consider these things we certainly should.

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TeasndToast · 26/04/2018 15:08

Hmm well it’s tricky then as your OH did stand up for you at the time plus he apologised, even if it seemed like he didn’t mean it. I would be annoyed with my OH going still though.

You can tell your OH that when the new baby arrives you won’t want anyone who thinks the baby is cursed to be around it. So friends or not they can fuck off.

WhiteCoyote · 26/04/2018 15:30

It’s fine to have that opinion. It’s absolutely NOT fine to say it out loud to someone, to them and about them.

He was being a prick and I’d have been furious with both him and my partner for not standing up.
I think this will permanently affect your friendship OP, even if he apologises no one is going to forget what he says. I’d completely refuse to go to his wedding.

GoldilocksTheGraceless · 26/04/2018 16:16

Ok, firstly I'm genuinely grateful for all comments. This includes some comments which are unfashionable (I like the way your phrased that!), comments which started discussing the bigger issue about my friend's opinion, and of course I really appreciate those of you who have directly answered my question.

I went back to my OH and asked him to reconsider his stance, after thinking again about how vulnerable it makes me feel when we spend time with this person and his fiancée. He has reconsidered and agrees that it is important to show solidarity with me for the time being, at least until I feel confident with this person again (if ever).

Regarding the wedding, it's going to be an almighty drag, but so far I think I'll stick to our commitment and put on a brave face for the isolated day.

When the baby arrives (fx all goes to plan!) then I will be refreshing the memory of this friend to make damn clear that this child never hears a word of disrespect from him or his partner.

Thank you all so much, x

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