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To think if it’s a party you pay?

(43 Posts)
Zeze247 Thu 26-Apr-18 12:22:48

Every year a friend plans a day out for her DDs birthday ‘party’ every year we go along as it’s a very close friend of my dds every year it turns out that we have to pay for ourselves. This year I’ve said we aren’t going but my dd is upset at missing the party. AIBU not to go and to think this isn’t a party?

TheStoic Thu 26-Apr-18 12:24:14

Do you also give a birthday present?

MissionItsPossible Thu 26-Apr-18 12:25:31

Not necessarily. I think more details are needed.

Lucisky Thu 26-Apr-18 12:25:42

Does she tell you beforehand that you have to pay your own way? If so, that's no U, perhaps she can't afford it?

Ikabod Thu 26-Apr-18 12:29:06

YANBU. I would expect the party parent to pay for the invited kids, but parents pay for themselves. My DPs couldn't afford to take loads of kids for a day out on our birthdays, so we had parties at home. I think if you can't afford to pay for the kids to attend your child's party, you need to do something you can afford, not expect all the other parents to stump up!

Bexter801 Thu 26-Apr-18 12:30:47

I do think if someone has arranged a party,that guests invited shouldn't have to pay their own way....however I wouldn't let your dd miss out because of this.

GreenTulips Thu 26-Apr-18 12:33:46

Does she pay her own way to parties her DD is invited to?

She must be aware of the etiquette?

SleepFreeZone Thu 26-Apr-18 12:34:02

I honestly think it just depends on the activity and amount of children involved.

For example my eldest son doesn’t cope well with parties and so for his birthday we take him and his friend, plus my mummy friend and her son’s subling out somewhere for the day. It costs us probably £30 for three extra tickets and we obviously pay for their drinks and food. I wouldn’t invite them and expect them to pay and I wouldn’t invite the children and expect the adult to pay.

ScattyCharly Thu 26-Apr-18 12:38:14

Well it doesn’t sound like a party! Especially if you take a present as well.

Kitsandkids Thu 26-Apr-18 12:43:35

I think it depends how it's presented. If I was told, 'we're going to the zoo for A's birthday. Fancy joining us?' I would assume I would pay.

If I was told 'this year for A's birthday party we're having it at the zoo. You're all invited. Hope to see you there at 11am' I would assume they were paying.

If they're good friends, you know this happens so can just assume you'd pay, and you can afford it I'd still pay to take your child.

RedSkyAtNight Thu 26-Apr-18 12:44:06

I agree it's not a party - it's a day out with friends.

corcaithecat Thu 26-Apr-18 12:46:24

I take my DS and 2 friends for an outing for his birthday but I expect to pay for them, entry fees plus food, snacks etc.
I can't imagine expecting his friends' mum to pay.

Piffle11 Thu 26-Apr-18 12:47:42

Agree with Kitsandkids. If you have to pay your own way, you're basically being invited to tag along on their day out. If it's being presented as the DD's party, then I think they should pay.

BarbarianMum Thu 26-Apr-18 12:49:40

Join us on a day out and bring a present isn't a party and shouldn't be presented as such. And its fine to urn down the invite.

Juells Thu 26-Apr-18 12:53:30

I'd bring two presents along, one OK one if the party is being provided, and one cheap shit one if you have to pay for yourself. Good present would be kept for the child of someone who isn't a CF.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 26-Apr-18 12:54:04

You are joining them on their day out. I can see why you’re annoyed. Do you also provide a present? How about saying. Dd would really like to go on her own. Would you be ok to take her? That way perhaps they’ll offer to pay or if not, you only have one ticket to fork out for. Would that work? And if your dd accidentally slips out the real reason you’re not going, all the better.

pigmcpigface Thu 26-Apr-18 13:07:26

Oh gosh, I think it would depend on the circumstances.

With all the usual caveats about how difficult it is to assess someone's financial circumstances etc etc etc... Say you have a poorer child in a wealthier group of friends - is it wrong for parents to want the same kind of party for their kid that others have? Is it wrong to ask other to pitch in a bit then?

I only have grown-up analogies! I have four close friends, who don't know each other. Two of them are mega-wealthy. Two are not that well off - not utterly struggling, but they recently took a hit to their income. When I'm out with the former couple, I split drinks, taxis etc 50/50 and sometimes I have to say "I'm sorry, we can't afford that", which can be a bit embarrassing (they have a penchant for extremely expensive restaurants). When I'm out with the latter couple, I try to find subtle ways of buying additional rounds! They don't have a car, so I'm also a taxi service for non-drinking events (of course, I never drink and drive). I don't see this as unequal treatment of friends, but as responding to different circumstances.

Of course, it's much harder when you don't know people that well and you're not sure of their circumstances. The behaviour could be grabby, or it could be a sign of struggle.

UserV Thu 26-Apr-18 13:09:10

Had this a lot when mine were kids, yet when WE had 'trips' for their birthdays, none very few of the parents came (maybe 2 or 3 out of 10,) but we always went (or just me,) and had to pay for me AND the child(ren.)

Very annoying. I would be saying no if it were me as you don't want to be paying for your child AND yourselves.

UserV Thu 26-Apr-18 13:09:40

Had this a lot when mine were kids, yet when WE had 'trips' for their birthdays, very few of the parents came (maybe 2 or 3 out of 10,) but we always went (or just me,) and had to pay for me AND the child(ren.)

Very annoying. I would be saying no if it were me as you don't want to be paying for your child AND yourselves.

blackteasplease Thu 26-Apr-18 13:10:38

I agree in principle but also would still.go of my dd or ds wanted because I guess my aim.is for them to have fun!

Lots of people here just do a picnic for the party and everyone is quite happy. They usually provide the food but I wouldn't care if they didn't. In fact we brought food anyway last time as had the grandparents staying.

Notso Thu 26-Apr-18 13:12:34

I think it depends how it's presented. If I was told, 'we're going to the zoo for A's birthday. Fancy joining us?' I would assume I would pay.

If I was told 'this year for A's birthday party we're having it at the zoo. You're all invited. Hope to see you there at 11am' I would assume they were paying.

If they're good friends, you know this happens so can just assume you'd pay, and you can afford it I'd still pay to take your child.

Exactly this.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 26-Apr-18 13:13:15

Does she let you know beforehand that you will have to pay. I think if she lets you know, than it is your decision to go or not. Mabey she cannot afford to take everyone out herself. Just tell your dd no, we will invite X to tea another day.

stayathomer Thu 26-Apr-18 13:14:34

Your child can't miss out because you have a beef with the way the party is done. It's not right and technically you shouldn't give a present, but then it's not the birthday child's fault so do. Vent about it but go ahead and go

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Thu 26-Apr-18 13:17:23

I think it depends if they call it "her party" or just a day out for her birthday. Its a tricky area though - I accepted an invite for DS to go to a trampoline party for a 3 year old friend. I then learned that if I want to accompany him in the trampoline hall (bear in mind he is 3 and it is an open session on a weekday afternoon) I not only have to pay £10 but also register with them, give all my details, book a session, etc etc.

I honestly wouldn't have accepted if I knew how much hassle it would be.

Starlight2345 Thu 26-Apr-18 13:20:10

If it’s a trip to farm theme park it’s not a party

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