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To not reply....

(65 Posts)
jomialola Thu 26-Apr-18 11:57:06

First post so please bear with me... and its a bit of a long story ! My MIL left my husband when he was 18 months old and went to live in New Zealand with another man. There was no contact between them for 20yrs or so and then his cousin got in contact and we all started talking. She came over here and tried to explain her reasons for leaving and then we visited her. My husband then decided he couldnt forgive her but I kept in contact with her mainly for the sake of our children. I then received an email from her last week saying she has made a pact with herself that she is through doing things for other people and she is now acknowledging defeat and withdrawing from it all. We can still see what each other are doing via facebook but it is now time for her to move on. So......I'm stuck between writing back to her saying what about my kids and being cross or just not replying at all....Please be kind wink

GreenEyedGoose Thu 26-Apr-18 12:00:56

This woman has shown that she is not very nice. She left her 18 month old child for 20 years and now can't accept that your dh may not want to have much to do with her.

Quite frankly it is doing your dc a favour not having someone like them in her life.

I'd reply along the lines of 'history repeating itself then' and silently tell her to fuck right off.

TheStoic Thu 26-Apr-18 12:00:57

“OK. Good luck, and all the best.”

Trinity66 Thu 26-Apr-18 12:02:47

Oh wow what a horrible woman she is, clearly hasn't changed at all since your DH was a child. The best thing to do would be ignore the email I guess but I'm not sure I'd be able to resist replying!

DidNotThinkItWouldHappenHere Thu 26-Apr-18 12:03:20

Doesn't sound like she's done much for your husband in the intervening 20 years!

I guess some people can rewrite history so they don't come out of it badly.

You, your husband and your children are better off without her imo.

Trinity66 Thu 26-Apr-18 12:03:43

I'd reply along the lines of 'history repeating itself then' and silently tell her to fuck right off.

Oh yes, send this ^^

TestingTestingWonTooFree Thu 26-Apr-18 12:05:13

I think I’d reply with “what do you think I should tell your grandchildren is the reason that you don’t want to be in touch?”. She sounds very selfish though.

bobstersmum Thu 26-Apr-18 12:06:02

I would honestly say good riddance! What a horrible person, is she mentally unwell do you think? Bizarre behaviour from start to finish.

Bexter801 Thu 26-Apr-18 12:09:58

Wow,she doesn't half sound self centred,I wouldn't entertain it...reply cool smile best of luck

aaaaargghhhhelpme Thu 26-Apr-18 12:12:27


Seriously. I’d block and ignore her. What a heartless woman. Poor dh. Hope he’s ok

Joanna57 Thu 26-Apr-18 12:14:17

Methinks there is far far more to the MIL's story than just leaving with another man.

Was your DH father a twat, that gave her no other option, than to move to the other side of the world?

mavismcruet Thu 26-Apr-18 12:14:43

Wow what a cruel woman. If it were me I’d have to reply letting her know how awful she is.

Definitely something along the lines of history repeating itself and you protecting your kids from her rejection. I’d also tell her you are blocking her on Facebook and not to make contact with you again.

Possibly the most sensible thing to do would be ignore and block, rather than retaliate. I’d wouldn’t be able to do that though, I’d have to say my piece.

Sorry op, she sounds really shitty flowers

TheViceOfReason Thu 26-Apr-18 12:21:58

"Funny how history repeats itself. THIS behaviour is why DH couldn't forgive you. How very sad that having contact with your own grandchildren isn't considered good enough and "not for yourself". Well, it's you that loses out ultimately. I will be blocking you on FB immediately and do not contact us again - i will always put my kids first and will not allow them to be available when it suits you."

Lonesurvivor Thu 26-Apr-18 12:23:27

Delete her from Facebook, she doesn't deserve to see what any of you are up to or be any part of your lives.

AornisHades Thu 26-Apr-18 12:23:31

Have your dc got any kind of relationship with her?
If not then I'd be inclined to send a last message saying you're going to respect that choice but she is never to contact the dc. If they do then it's more complicated.

Littlechocola Thu 26-Apr-18 12:24:06

I wouldn’t reply. I also wouldn’t want her to be able to watch mine and the dc life from afar (social media). She’s either in it or she’s not.

ittakes2 Thu 26-Apr-18 12:32:32

I think sending her a message about history repeating itself or leopard not changing its spots and deleting her from Facebook seems a like a good idea! Once is a mistake, twice is a character flaw your kids don't need to witness!

FizzyGreenWater Thu 26-Apr-18 12:35:23

Wow you should have listened to your DH.

'I wasn't aware you had ever done much for other people anyway to be honest, your track record is pretty appalling! But yep probably for the best - your grandkids won't hear your name any more, don't worry. Best of luck with living selfishly - it'll suit you down to the ground. Bye!'

QueenofSerene Thu 26-Apr-18 12:35:45

What a horrible woman, I’d cut your losses, your DH did fine without her for 20yrs so surely this is no big loss. My mums family split up when she was a child and all her siblings got split off to other families in the foster system and they’ve gradually found us children via Facebook but to her they’re strangers and she doesn’t want them in her life.

HappyFeet1212 Thu 26-Apr-18 12:35:59

It depends really on lots of factors
- What were her reasons for leaving
- What was she like when you met her
- Did you like her

It's easy to judge & be harsh, but talking to her, maybe through skype is the best way to move this forward.

Maybe she always hoped that your DH would forgive her & is grieving at his decision.
Maybe it would help her to know that you value her as a grandmother & so do your children. Maybe she needs to hear that even if she can't have a relationship with your DH, there is the hope that she can have a relationship with your children & so something good can come out of this.

Just be honest & nice. There's no need to be angry, that won't help anyone.

Rafflesway Thu 26-Apr-18 12:36:47

Exactly what lonesurvivor says!

Your DC do not need this woman in their lives and your DH most certainly doesn't. speaking from experience 😡

InsomniacAnonymous Thu 26-Apr-18 12:36:49

Joanna57 "Methinks there is far far more to the MIL's story than just leaving with another man. Was your DH father a twat, that gave her no other option, than to move to the other side of the world?"

That's right, Joanna. It must be a man's fault. hmm

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 26-Apr-18 12:40:01

I like the “History repeating itself.”
I’d want to add. “I see you still haven’t grasped that children have feelings.”
And delete from Facebook.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 26-Apr-18 12:41:27

Cross post. I’ve just read Happyfeets comment. Yes, perhaps you should try this first.

Oldraver Thu 26-Apr-18 12:42:20

If she was happy to fuck off half way round the world and abandon and 18 months old (who does that ?)...Then I wouldn't hold out much hope for her wanting a relationship with her grandkids..

I think the 'through doing things for other people' is crock of shit as well

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