Daughter harassed at school - how to progress

[carlinsleap]

Our eldest daughter is experiencing sexual harassment from another pupil in her year at school.

My wife and I have three daughters, all of whom are generally well
behaved all around - no trouble at school at all, etc.
There have been several times where we've had to speak to their schools about difficulties one of them may have been having, but we've always done so with the attitude of knowing that there are many sides to a story and that being open and speaking with the school is the best way to go.

The latest incident is quite a bit trickier and my wife and I are very anxious to ensure that we deal with it in the best way for our eldest daughter who is 15 years old.

She is just about to sit her GCSE's next month and so is already under a lot of pressure as it is...but over the last few weeks, she has had to deal with some very inappropriate, sexually explicit comments from a boy in her year at school.

The comments started out as what I would classify as inappropriate, "bar-room" comments about my daughters appearance - comments that probably would fit straight into what most people would see as a grey area that I'm sure would offend as many people and may make others smile.
Most importantly, my daughter wasn't bothered about them - but the comments have quickly progressed and got much worse.

The boy in question is now openly using sexually explicit & detailed language about her body and what he would like to do to her.
He has made these comments directly to her, about her as she walks past (said loud for her to be able to hear) and also to her friends.
He has even mimicked sexual actions in her personal space some comments.

We had a chat with our daughter who was very emotional about it.
She told us how self conscious she feels and how she has started to avoid any group this boy would be part. If she is sitting or in any area where this boy might arrive, she feels too intimidated to stand up or move around in case he says something else.
After the latest set of comments, she was in tears at home.

I have spoken to the school about this today.
They were very apologetic and tried to assure me that this would be dealt with swiftly.

Because of the severity of the issue, I wanted to deal with it slightly differently. Whereas I would normally present the school with the details from our side and let them decide on the best way to deal with it, I did try my best to be as authoritative as I could...telling them that regardless of any other other factors involved, that without question, this must stop immediately.

I also did my best to take let the head of year know that the boy needs to be aware that I am prepared to take this further if it does not stop immediately, without my daughter being subjected to any further comments from the boy or his group of friends - if he decides to share the details with them.

What I am unsure about is what we could or should do next.

If school speak to the boy and it stops without anything else being said to or aimed at our daughter, then she and we are happy to leave it there.
If it doesn't stop, or if anything is aimed at our daughter from this boys wider group of friends, then I want to make sure that we choose the best course of action next.

Do we pursue it further with the head of year at school?
Do we go to the head master or governors?
Do we/can we speak to our local community police officer?

Has anyone dealt with anything similar?

Thanks

[butTIRFlies]

Speak to the head.

[leggere]

What a shame, your poor dd! I think next step the governers. If it continues, the LEA. If not handled properly then inform ofsted how it was handled. They can't deal with individual cases but they put info on record, then refer to it in future inspections. Not too sure about the police. On the one hand it may embarrass dd further, on the other it teaches her that this is totally unacceptable and to inform police. Hopefully someone will come along on MN who has dealt with similar, successfully.

[leighdinglady]

I'd have him warned that you'll go to police and he'll probably shut up then. I'd tell him that myself. It's harassment and a criminal offence. I'm not sure if I actually would go to police and criminalise a child that may well grow in to a lovely man, but I'd certainly tell him that I would

[WellThisIsShit]

Hopefully the school will deal with it right from the first notification this is happening, but it sounds like you have your doubts?

Is this because of the nature of the harassment and that it’s gond unchecked/ unnoticed so far?

Or is it because of concerns about the head of year or any of the other teachers likely to be involved... or the schools culture overall?

It’s gelpful to work out where your feelings are coming from so you can best form a plan of action.

For example, if it’s less about the school and teachers itself, and more that you’re struggling with the gravity of what’s happening, I’d research ways to label and describe this behaviour.

Words that show the gravity of what’s happening, vs ‘naughty boys having a laugh’ minimization, so you have a response ready in case of any nonsense like that! I’d look up the ways sexism and harassment cap girls performance at work and in academia, to show why they should care, beyond ‘hurt feelings’, and why society is rejecting this disgusting behaviour eg metoo campaigns, the everyday sexism campaign etc.

Then focused more on the schools next response, starting from hoping to make this level of head of year action work... (but can be applied upwards should you need to escalate).., Can you make sure there’s a way for you / your dd to keep communication open about this issue with the head of year? A way to report any more incidences? And the teacher communicating back with your dd/you? The way the school have decided to handle it? A zero tolerance policy? The way they want this behaviour recorded and reported by your dd? Etc...

I’ve found that building in a communication loop like this is very useful, otherwise you get communication issues, and a sense of ‘reporting into the void’ where there’s no personal or human accountability, and people can just forget about actually doing anything because after all, they don’t have to pick up the phone, or sit in a room and look at your dd/ you and her in the eyes to explain how they’re helping.

Good luck. Your poor dd.

[Bom7]

Follow up your meeting with an email and cc the chair of governors. This document might help as it details the schools obligations which you can refer to.
assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/667862/Sexual_Harassment_and_Sexual_Violence_-_Advice.pdf
Good luck

[VanillaPriscilla]

If it doesn't stop I'd email the CoG , I would state that you have given the school a chance to deal with it and you will now be notifying the police
hopefully that will sort it out
If not , I would contact the police without hesitating
There's only so far that you can be reasonable
Your poor daughter

[Northernparent68]

Op, what do you mean you did your best to be authorative and did your best to let the head know. If someone is sexually harassing your daughter you be authorative and lay the law down.

[AmazingGrace16]

You could remove her from school under safeguarding concern having spoken to the Head. She could revise at home for her exams and just come in for them. She of course shouldn't have to but it would stop everything.

[therealposieparker]

Seriously? I would go in, both of you, and be angry. Show no agreement or willing to listen about "the other side". This is repulsive. Next step is angry.
Governors, police and Ofsted.

[Omelette233]

I’d be finding out where he lives and going around and speaking to the parents.

[Queenie8]

This is a safeguarding issue. Your DD should not be subjected to this abuse. I would expect that the school is allowed 24 hours to formulate a plan of action, and as a minimum that the boy is suspended (whether that is within school or completely from school for a period of time). If I wasn't satisfied with any plan of action I would immediately contact the Chair of Governors, and the Police. The boy is above the age of responsibility. You must deal with this swiftly and firmly for your daughters safety.

Good luck 🤞

[carlinsleap]

Basically, I want to be sure that I can back up the threat I have made
to escalate this "to whatever level is necessary" if it isn't resolved immediately - which would ultimately mean involving the police - if that is what we need to do.

I don't want to involve them, mainly because I don't want my daughter to go through such an official and daunting process at a time when she wants to concentrate on exam revision and getting the grades she needs for college.

However, I've made the - via the year head - that this is the escalation we'd be making should their intervention not work and I just want to be sure that this isn't something we'd not be able to back up if it is something the police might not be able to get involved with - if, for example, it is something they may refer back to the school or local authority.

When I say "I tried my best to be authoritative" with the school - I meant that I made it clear to the year head that although we were happy to allow them to decide on how they would make an initial attempt at intervening, it needed to involve the threat that if this first attempt to stop it happening wasn't fully complied with, then we would be escalating it immediately.

I just want to be sure that I know what the best escalation path to follow would be

[nellieellie]

I’d make it clear to the school that any more incidents and Id be going to the police. It IS harassment and that is a criminal offence. You could say that you would like that passed onto the boy and his parents. Keep a diary of incidents - hopefully there will be no more, so do a backdated one. If you’re unsure of dates, do approximates.

[JoanOfNarc]

This is sexual harassment which is an offence and should be treated as such. Has your daughter received emails or texts?

[magoria]

I agree with the police if the school don't sort it sharp.

It is sexual harassment.

[Neolara]

Governors would only get involved if you were to make an official complaint and if you went down this route you would have to follow the complaints policy which should be available on the school website. A complaint would normally be upheld if the school had been shown to do something wrong e.g. not follow a policy or just be generally rubbish at dealing with something. If the school took robust and appropriate action against the boy who is making your dd's life a misery and the boy went on to say something awful to your dd again, it's more the fault of the boy than the school. Making a complaint to governors is unlikely to be particularly helpful or useful in that context. (Governors can't take decisions to sanction or exclude pupils.) Im this situation I think you would need to escalate to the head or the police. If it was my dd, I would certainly consider involving the police. I would let the school know that this was my plan. Of course, if you felt the school hadn't taken you concerns seriously or hadn't dealt with the offending boy appropriately and in line with school policies, then it might be appropriate to make an official complaint. Most school complaints policies require parents to discuss issues with the head before involving governors.

[JoanOfNarc]

I think you've done the right thing to take it to the Head. I would follow it up with an email outlining how seriously you are taking this and highlighting it as a child protection issue. I would also mention the clear possibility of perusing this with the police. Are there any emails or texts?

As a side, and I don't wish to kick you when you're down as you are doing a great job, but as a father of 3 girls I think you should rethink what you consider harassment. You talk about 'bar room' comments as though some harassment is acceptable. It really isn't and I think this is a message all our children need to under stand.

[YouTheCat]

I'd go to the police. This boy has broken the law.

[JoanOfNarc]

Tbh OP, I would involve the police. The school may even do that anyway. I have seen it happen at my children's school for seemingly less than this. Schools tend to come down very hard on this these days.

[Iluvthe80s]

Im very sorry your DD is bei g subjected to this. I agree with pp. Follow up your conversation with an email, summarising what you discussed, your expectations and action you will take if this does not immediately stop. The school have a duty of care to your DD. If you do not get satisfactory response then I would escalate to the police. I would reference this in the email

[Goshitshighuphere]

You could remove her from school under safeguarding concern having spoken to the Head. She could revise at home for her exams and just come in for them. She of course shouldn't have to but it would stop everything.

That is terrible advice. They will be revising in lessons from now until GCSE.

[Iluvthe80s]

I agree why should the daughter be the one to stop going into school ? She is not the one at fault here !

[MinisterforCheekyFuckery]

I have spoken to the school about this today.
They were very apologetic and tried to assure me that this would be dealt with swiftly

It sounds like the School are in agreement that this boys behaviour is totally unacceptable and are fully intending to tackle it. I would give them an opportunity to do so before involving Governors, Ofsted, threatening to pull her out of school etc as some posters are suggesting.

I would follow up your phonecall with an email just so you have a response from them in writing that you can refer to later if the situation does escalate. Perhaps in your email you could explain that, although you are happy for the School to investigate and determine an appropriate sanction for the boy in the first instance, you would like school (and indeed the perpetrator) to be aware that you will contact the police if the harassment continues.

[Bobbybobbins]

We have had this recently at my school - sounds like a very similar situation but a serious one off rather than ongoing. Boy was excluded for a couple of days and spoken to by community police officer.

Would escalate to head and chair of governors immediately if anything else occurs.

[Motherbear26]

Your poor dd. It does sound as though the school intend to deal with this horrendous issue properly and swiftly. However, if they fail to resolve this, complain directly to the head, making use of the words safeguarding, duty of care and ofsted.