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AIBU?

I miscarried... and some family members haven't contacted me.

56 replies

gibson2018 · 25/04/2018 09:27

I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and both my sister and SIL haven’t contacted me.

My mum says it’s because she told them I didn’t want to talk about it.

But I think when someone is going through something traumatic, obviously they don’t want to talk about it but you can still send a message of support? My other sister, friends and work colleagues have all said 'if you want to talk about it, I'm here' or words to that effect.

My SIL contacted me a few weeks ago when I was only just PG as she is pregnant too. She was bleeding and worried so I talked her through what to do, where to go, and then supported her through the next couple of weeks on and off, so it feels like a kick in the teeth.

AIBU to expect contact from them? DM says it’s her fault as she told them I didn’t want to talk about it but if it was me, I would still ask after that person.

Who is BU?

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Kintan · 25/04/2018 09:31

Hmm not sure without knowing exactly what your mum said to them - did she tell them you were so upset that you didn’t want to be contacted and that they should leave you alone until you got in contact with them? If so (and they are normally caring people) they may not want to get in contact in case they said the wrong thing. Again it really depends on what your mum actually said. Sorry for your loss, I hope you are ok.

TheBlueDot · 25/04/2018 09:32

If your mum said you don’t want to talk about it, they are most likely respecting that.
It sounds as if they have asked after you via your mum, so it’s not as if they aren’t concerned about you.

Your SIL may also not know how to handle it - she knows it will be difficult for you knowing that she is carrying a baby - and would be extra cautious given your mum has told them you don’t want to talk about it.

I’m really sorry for your loss

applesisapple5 · 25/04/2018 09:35

I'm so sorry OP.

If I were you I would reach out to them and let them know what you want, a phone call or a coffee, to talk about it or not talk about it.
I had to tell my friends and mum not to call because I couldn't speak, I'm sure they think they're respecting your wishes.

64BooLane · 25/04/2018 09:36

They’re probably thinking you’d prefer to be left alone at the moment.

placebobebo · 25/04/2018 09:36

I'd say yabu here. If your DM has told them you don't want to discuss it, they will be worried about upsetting you and will have assumed you told her this. Your SIL will be treading especially carefully seeing as she discussed her pregnancy concerns with you a few weeks ago.
A lot of people are unsure how to address a situation like this and any action they do or don't take is designed from their end to not cause any further pain.
If you want to talk to them about it contact them, your mother's actions have already given you the conversation starter.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/04/2018 09:41

I'm so sorry. I went through exactly the same thing after miscarrying. Even though I ended up in hospital for a couple of days due to blood loss, it wasn't acknowledged by my family. The flowers/cards etc all came from work colleagues and friends. My mother also told me that she had told my family I didn't want to talk about it but I had never actually said that. Even if I didn't want to talk about it I don't know how this would translate to not sending a card.

Northernparent68 · 25/04/2018 09:42

I’m sorry for your loss. I think it’s a mistake to ask who is being unreasonable as no one is. Everyone is doing what they thought was the right thing to do, please do n’t fall out with your family over this.

BadPolicy · 25/04/2018 09:44

YABU. They are respecting what they believe your wishes are. If you want their support, contact them.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/04/2018 09:44

As for "not wanting to cause you pain", I think that people are just thinking about not causing themselves any pain when they ignore it rather than you. Not acknowledging it makes it easy for them to imagine that nothing has happened and it is no big deal.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/04/2018 09:47

They are respecting what they believe your wishes are. If you want their support, contact them.

Why should OP contact them so that they can offer support? Would you ignore those who are grieving in other situations unless they contacted you?

LizTaylorsFabulousTurban · 25/04/2018 09:51

What might help is if your mum contracted them again and said "actually Gibson would like to talk about it now". If my mum told me my sister didn't want to talk about something I would respect her wishes and let her make the first move. I don't think you can blame them for not being in touch, if anyone is to blame it is your mum but I don't think there was any malice in her remarks to them (unless there is backstory here)

LifeBeginsAtGin · 25/04/2018 09:51

How far were you OP?

If you suffered an early miscarriage some people don't see it as a baby, but late miscarriages can be very traumatic.

Hellsbellscockleshells · 25/04/2018 09:54

It’s a difficult position all round. I have miscarried and had friends who were pregnant feeling awkward and I eventually got pregnant and had a couple of friends who had found it difficult to conceive.
YABU - each time I wanted to spare their feelings however hard it was for me. I visited my sister who had given birth within weeks of my miscarriage and also another good friend who had given birth it was difficult for me (and her) but I wanted to do it. I also made two difficult phone calls to two separate friends who I knew were having difficulties conceiving when I was pregnant as I didn’t want them hearing it from someone else.
Contact your family members and say hi how’re you I know my mum has told you about my miscarriage it was difficult but I am trying to get over it I would love to meet up for a coffee/catch up if your free let me know or phone them if you prefer.
It is difficult but easier with support from friends and family take care 💐

elliejjtiny · 25/04/2018 09:55

I'm so sorry OP. I understand, I didn't even get a card from anyone after my 2nd miscarriage.

astoundedgoat · 25/04/2018 09:58

It sounds like it was a very early miscarriage (from the dates you mention) and you Mum has told them that you don't want to talk about it, so they are - as far as they are aware - respecting your wishes.

If you want to talk about it you have to tell them, or, as your Mum is so involved in telling people what you think, she should probably be the one to contact them and tell them that she got it wrong and actually you are quite sad that they haven't been in touch.

MargaretCavendish · 25/04/2018 09:58

If you suffered an early miscarriage some people don't see it as a baby, but late miscarriages can be very traumatic.

It is clear that the OP is upset; anyone who thinks they don't need to offer sympathy because they don't see it as a baby lacks basic empathy. However, I think it's quite clear that the problem here is that the mum has (I'm sure with good intentions) told them she doesn't want to talk about it, so I don't know why you're bringing up 'do you even deserve to be sad anyway?'.

LoniceraJaponica · 25/04/2018 10:02

"I'd say yabu here. If your DM has told them you don't want to discuss it, they will be worried about upsetting you and will have assumed you told her this."

I agree. If I had been told you didn't want to talk about it I would be worried about putting my foot in it.

Sorry for your loss

Cornishclio · 25/04/2018 10:02

Maybe your sister and SIL have been asking your mum and as she has said you don't want to talk about it they have not messaged you. I think if I was one of them though I would have at least sent a text saying thinking of you and anything you need just let me know.

A bunch of flowers and a condolences card I don't think is out of place because you are going through a bereavement even if an early miscarriage. I had one at around 10 weeks many years ago and still think of it now 30 odd years later and having had 2 daughters since.

astoundedgoat · 25/04/2018 10:05

As for "not wanting to cause you pain", I think that people are just thinking about not causing themselves any pain when they ignore it rather than you

KIND of, but I had an early miscarriage and although very few people knew (I literally started bleeding the day I started tentatively telling people), I honestly didn't feel that there was much to discuss (I wasn't bottling up any hidden grief either). Everyone is different.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 25/04/2018 10:05

Margaret I disagree. Some people don't see very early miscarriages as babies they are just cells.

Anyway, as has been said, perhaps they are going through the OP's mother to find out how she is coping and not wanting to intrude. But it's not worth falling out about a card or phone call - I'm sure they are concerned and wanting to do whats best.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/04/2018 10:07

I have to agree that I think your mum is at the root of this - but yes, even if I had been told you didn't want to talk about it, I would still have sent you a message to say "sorry to hear your sad news" or similar.

Really rather depends exactly what your mum said - if she said "Gibson doesn't want to talk or think about it" then they will not send messages as they wouldn't want to bring it up in your mind (as though you'd actually forget it!) - but if she just said you didn't want to talk about it then a message would have been ok.

Either way, I'm sorry they couldn't be more empathetic to you and show some support.

Sorry for your loss

juneau · 25/04/2018 10:08

Your mum told them you didn't want to talk about it - what do you expect them to do - not respect that? When I had a miscarriage only one of my siblings talked about it with me - and that was mainly because she was staying that weekend. My DBs and SILs didn't mention it. Nor did I talk to my SIL when she had one a few years beforehand. I figured if she wanted to discuss it with me she would start the conversation.

PoorYorick · 25/04/2018 10:09

If they were told not to contact you then that's why. They think it will upset you. Let them know your mum was wrong and you do want to talk about it.

I'm sorry for your loss.

MargaretCavendish · 25/04/2018 10:12

Margaret I disagree. Some people don't see very early miscarriages as babies they are just cells

But I'm not denying that some people think that - I'm saying that if they can't put that opinion aside and comfort someone they care about who feels that they have suffered an upsetting loss, then they're dicks. Empathetic people don't decide that other people don't get to be upset just because they aren't.

Also, for what it's worth, thinking it's a baby and being upset aren't one and the same thing. I don't think of my own three early miscarriages as babies, and I don't like other people calling them that. They were still really upsetting events - I didn't feel like I'd lost a baby, but I had lost pregnancies that I had hopes and dreams for. Again, I'm not saying that everyone should feel like that about their own losses, but deciding that everyone should feel exactly the same about things as you do is the action of a narcissist.

gibson2018 · 25/04/2018 10:12

This has all been really useful, so thank you for all your replies and your condolences.

It was early - 8 weeks - but it was very much wanted.

I think my problem is I expect others to behave the same way I would behave. I would always extend a hand to someone to let them know I'm here if they need me.

This thread as shown me that not everyone would do the same.

Thanks all

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