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BIL being absolute dick

(208 Posts)
Pugwash1 Wed 25-Apr-18 07:50:19

Brief background, I have been very happily married to awesome DH for 18 years. DH has a brother 5 years younger and they are incredibly close. It's always been a long standing joke that if you take up with one you get the other for free. BIL is a totally different personality to my DH and that's fine. He likes to drink, likes the ladies, is loud and boisterous, the complete opposite to DH. I have loved him like a little brother from the start and he has always been welcome. He has his own key, comes away with us on weekends occasionally, invited to all my family events. He is family. And a complete dick at times.
Last year after caring for my awesome dad for 6 months who eventually passed away, 5 of us went away for a long weekend. This had been booked months before, a lot of money had been spent and I decided that actually the change of scenery would do me good for a few days.
One afternoon he was on another boat with some people he had met and I wandered over to take him fresh supplies of beer and tell him dinner would be in about 30 minutes and he just looked at me like a piece of shite and said "f@ck off you stupid c@nt". We are all in the military and I am not offended generally by swearing but it was done with such vehemence and nastiness. DH took him to task for it as did his girlfriend as I was too shocked to do so.
Cue weekend just gone and its his birthday. I have gone to massive effort over his gift which he was totally dismissive of and then that night in front of everyone at the meal he launches another verbal attack on me in front of everyone. DH was at the bar so didn't hear it, but it brought the table to a standstill. AIBU to be so upset about this. 2 occasions in 18 years isn't so bad in the great scheme of things I guess, but it's like I told DH. I'm not entirely sure if when absolutely wasted his true feelings towards me are coming out and it just seems to be pure hatred.
DH has spoken to him again and he was apologetic but to DH, not me. Honest to God I we can think of nothing I have done to cause this. I have said 3rd strike and he's out. Not wanting to drip feed I was in a very violent relationship many years ago and he ended up inside for 24 months as a result, and the I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive to BIL's behaviour because it brings aspects of that past relationship back to me. So am I being too sensitive or is he being a dick, and any suggestions?!

AnneProtheroe Wed 25-Apr-18 08:00:56

he just looked at me like a piece of shite and said "f@ck off you stupid c@nt"

And you think this is you being sensitive?

messofajess Wed 25-Apr-18 08:04:44

You are definitely not being over sensitive. Why are you waiting for a third strike?

Get your key back now

user1488622199 Wed 25-Apr-18 08:11:00

Why give him another opportunity to treat you like this op? Maybe if he had been truly apologetic and remorseful you could be the bigger person but he sounds like a petulant bully and no one deserves to be spoken to like that. Let your husband have a relationship with his brother and you focus on the people who deserve your time.

Thenewwiderworldthird Wed 25-Apr-18 08:11:55

I had a similar thing happen to me years ago. Very friendly neighbour who I had known for years turned on me a few times, swearing and nasty for no reason. Turned out he was seriously ill and undiagnosed at that point. He passed away a year later (brain tumour). My sis in law (doctor) said that if people suddenly do something very out of character like that she would always look into a tumour first.

Pugwash1 Wed 25-Apr-18 08:14:11

Anne, seeing it written down does give a greater degree of perspective! Just need to figure out what to do about it and I can't help but wonder what has caused this. DH initially brushed both episodes off as "you know what he's like when he's drunk" but then did speak with him about them when I explained the nastiness they had been said with. In 18 years I have never heard BIL speak to others like this.

MrsCrabbyTree Wed 25-Apr-18 08:16:22

I wouldn't be giving any more chances. Either he behaves like a decent person from now on or he is given the cut.

Awful situation for you and your DH.

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit Wed 25-Apr-18 08:18:02

Sorry but it would be NC for me. That's outrageous!!!

HumphreyCobblers Wed 25-Apr-18 08:18:06

And he waits until your DH is not there before he does it.

I have had someone turn on me like this. However apologetic they might be afterwards (and your BIL doesn't even sound apologetic) you never can't trust them again. And you don't know where it came from either. Basically it soured the relationship forever for me. I cannot trust or like them.

HumphreyCobblers Wed 25-Apr-18 08:18:29

never CAN trust them

ChasedByBees Wed 25-Apr-18 08:19:08

That is really, really unacceptable. I’m not sure why you’re giving him another chance when he’s not apologised to you.

TammyWhyNot Wed 25-Apr-18 08:19:34

I would not be waiting for a third strike.

Please ask yourself why you went to loads of trouble over his present after the first incident? He is your BIL. Your DH cab take the trouble.

He is either jealous of you and sees you as competition in his brotherly relationship, OR he just doesn’t get on with you, does his best for the sake of his brother but shows his true colours when drunk.

It’s probably the former.

If the latter: don’t fret. It’s OK for some people not to like you, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.

But. Why were you taking a grown adult beer? Why go to immense trouble over a present for an adult BIL especially one who was rude? Do you (and DH) treat him like an immature cuddly pet? If you do this could come across as patronising and also judgmental because he leads a different lifestyle.

Whatever is going on, summon your steely core of dignity. Without a heartfelt grovelling apology and explanation, directly from him, I would be telling your DH that I will not be mixing with him socially any more. Why would you put yourself in that position again?

It’s good that others took him to task. Now you stick up for yourself.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 Wed 25-Apr-18 08:19:51

The way you have written your OP makes me really think you're in an abusive relationship of sorts. There's no real difference. You seem to put yourself out a lot for this guy and he abuses you.

I am sorry but I would not see him any longer. I don't understand why the brother regularly comes away on your weekends with your husband. That's not on in my world. I also would not let a man who called me a cunt have keys to my house.

I'm afraid it would be Game Over. Have respect for yourself and distance yourself. And if your husband is any kind of man, he will unequivocally support you.

longtallwalker Wed 25-Apr-18 08:21:57

He sounds like the sort if out of order and spiteful, lazy teen who occasionally crops up on MN and who everyone advises should be turfed out of the family home. It's not just the awful language - said artfully while your DH is out of range, but they fact you seem to be fetching and carrying for him
Don't wait for the third strike.
He's out and he needs to grow up out of the role of younger brother and apologise to you personally

JamPasty Wed 25-Apr-18 08:23:44

No way would I be seeing him again, and I would be deeply unimpressed by DH's lacklustre response to BIL.

greenlynx Wed 25-Apr-18 08:24:39

Take your keys back or change locks. You are not over sensitive. You tolerated this too long. Next time it will be something worse.

LakieLady Wed 25-Apr-18 08:25:30

Wtf, he sounds like a total arsehole. Being drunk is no excuse, if he can't get pissed without being abusive, he needs to knock the grog on the head.

I'd avoid attending any events he's at that involve alcohol, tbh.

AppleKatie Wed 25-Apr-18 08:25:37

I think I would have to have it out with BIL and find out what is going on.

I’d ask DH to hide somewhere nearby so he can hear (but BIL doesn’t know he can) and I’d start it as a friendly ‘look BIL, I always thought we were family so what is going on with this random incidents...)

And see how far you get. If he is an arsehole to your face 1:1 and DH hears it then going NC will be much easier for you. If he’s apologetic then great.

What’s he been like in between these two incidents?

Thebluedog Wed 25-Apr-18 08:25:44

I understand you’re in a very difficult situation as it would be very hard for you to go NC with him due to the family dynamics. But I’d do a few things, firstly start to distance yourself from him, stop taking him beer and making an effort. He doesn’t seem to appreciate it, so stop now!
I’d also take him to one side when he’s not pissed, and tell him that if he ever talks to you like that again then it’s game over for you. No keys, no family holidays and it will not only affect him but the family dynamic he has now. Make sure your dh knows about this, backs you up and you may even want him there with you when you tell him

HonkyWonkWoman Wed 25-Apr-18 08:25:45

I'm sorry but I would not be putting up with this from anyone.
What I do think, is that you shouldn't be leaving it to your Dh or his Gf to take him to task. You should have done it at the time or If he was too drunk, after.
I don't understand, if you are so close, why you are not confronting him yourself. Tell us why?

BarbarianMum Wed 25-Apr-18 08:28:22

Agree, don't wait for a third strike. At the very least make sure you're not alone with him and make no further efforts for him. No more presents (your dh can buy them), no more weekends away, no more offering him drinks. Distance and blank. He sounds like he has a deeply held grudge towards you.

ClemDanfango Wed 25-Apr-18 08:28:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eesha Wed 25-Apr-18 08:30:13

What does your dh say about it all?

HumphreyCobblers Wed 25-Apr-18 08:30:59

and you had just lost your dad sad

your BIL is horrible

Bowlofbabelfish Wed 25-Apr-18 08:33:27

he just looked at me like a piece of shite and said "f@ck off you stupid c@nt

Well key back for starters. And tell him that how he spoke to you was totally unacceptable in any situation, ever, regardless of drink or anything.

Then step back. He’s a twat, he’s verbally abusive and you’re still being overly nice to him - why?

And as an aside, anyone who the phrase ‘oh you know what they’re like/it’s just what they’re like’ is used about is UNIVERSALLY a twat.

Unhealthily close relationship - back off, keys back and locks changed, and get a bit of distance.

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