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To ask why this man seems to hate me so much?

(123 Posts)
Art3misZeee Tue 24-Apr-18 23:00:47

I need some clarity here. I’m quite introverted and have had a lot of mental health issues, diagnosed with depression, anxiety and MPD but with a lot of help these have been manageable. Finally got myself out on the horse after so many years and back into a nighttime access education course to pursue a career I’ve always wanted.

The course is counselling/psychology. On the first day we were put into ‘peer groups’ groups of 4 who we would do activity work with. From day one this man (he’s gay and always really friendly and funny with everyone else) has made it clear he doesn’t like me. Giving me the cold shoulder, won’t speak to me unless forced, when forced to speak to me won’t look me in the eyes, very dry with me and won’t give me answers if I try to speak to him. It was very awkward but I put it off as everyone being new and still getting to know each other.

It’s been a month and a half now and things might have kicked off tonight before class. We were both early and He was being his normal dry self with me, not looking at me or really answering etc then he complaining about possibly not completing the course, I asked why as he was doing so well. He ignored me, I repeated my ‘why’ and he turned to me, gave me one of the ugliest glares and snapped “I’m not talking about it! I’ve already talked about it with ‘Abby’!” Name of another woman in our group, not her real one btw.

That kind of made me snap. I just felt this horrible bundle of emotion in my chest and I blurted out “Can I ask you something? What’s your problem with me? Why don’t you like me?” He looked shocked and then said something along the lines of “Well, that’s a harsh question...” and I replied with “Not really a yes or no would do.” And he said “Well it’s not a yes or no question.” At that point I just gave up and said “I’ll take that as a yes then.” Which made him look at me with complete disgust and said “We’re in class. I don’t think now is the time.” And turn away.

I genuinely don’t know what I’ve done to this man to be treated like this. I understand not everyone will like or even tolerate me but it’s like this man has gone out of his way to make me feel like dirt. He doesn’t even give me the common courtesy of looking at me when speaking, I feel so tiny when it boils down to speaking in the group.

Can someone tell me if I’ve done something? Or what would you do in this situation? I hate the awkwardness and the lump in my throat this confrontation has caused but it’s made me feel so bad and has started to kill whatever small but if confidence I had left. I also feel like an idiot for my outburst and don’t know what to do about it. Really feel like walking away from the course. sad

QOD Tue 24-Apr-18 23:05:26

How awful for you 🙁
I’m an over compensator and over sharer when I’m nervous so I know I piss some people off when they first meet me. Enough folks have said to me ‘ohhh you’re lovely really but I didn’t like you at first/was scared of you/thought you were really sarcastic (etc) but I get you now! ‘
For me to know I need to reign myself IN sometimes.

Could you be like that?
I’m probably faaaar off the thingy

GreenTulips Tue 24-Apr-18 23:05:36

Well he's not going to be very good at councilling if he can't communicate effectively can be?

OP you just need to block and ignore he's nothing to you really just passing ships and your life/success/happiness does not depend on this mans thoughts or actions

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 24-Apr-18 23:05:37

Most likely case is you remind him of someone that hurt him/he already hates. You will probably cover this at some point during your course. I hope that personal therapy is compulsory on this course before either of you are allowed to counsel clients.

AnduinsGirl Tue 24-Apr-18 23:06:13

I don't think you did anything wrong. Sometimes these things DO build up - when you know you're being treated badly but take it, take it, take it...it just comes out sometimes. Sounds like he wasn't expecting it and then tried to regain the snotty high ground.
Even if you don't pursue him for an answer, i bet he backs off a bit now. You'll probably never know why he took against you though.

ButchyRestingFace Tue 24-Apr-18 23:06:43

Can someone tell me if I’ve done something? Or what would you do in this situation?

Impossible to know whether you've "done" something. He may simply have formed an immediate, irrational dislike to you without even knowing why himself (it happens). Doesn't make his behaviour okay, of course.

In terms of what I'd do, I'd pay him as little attention as he pays you and try not to waste any headspace on him. Are you frequently being put into groups with him? If so, could you speak to the tutor, explain the situation (calmly) and ask not to be grouped with him in the future?

DalmatianSpring Tue 24-Apr-18 23:09:49

You can’t honestly think that we could possibly know why this man doesn’t like you. It could literally be one of a thousand things. Maybe it’s something you’ve done, maybe he has good reason, maybe he doesn’t. We can not tell.

CrustyCob Tue 24-Apr-18 23:10:09

Would it not be an idea to talk to the course leader ?
Why tell us that he is gay, is this relevant?

moontree Tue 24-Apr-18 23:12:39

Art3misZeee

I hear you. I have a sense a lot of the time that people don't like me and it does hurt. I just felt this horrrible bundle of emotion is very familiar to me too. I have similar MH diagnoses and issues to the ones you mention and I know how hard it is to shake the sensitivity off when it seems other people don't like us.

I wish I had some coping advice to give but I have never mastered this myself.

cake and wine

Noqonterfy Tue 24-Apr-18 23:15:25

Hes an arse. Some people are. Ignore him. Can you change groups?

moontree Tue 24-Apr-18 23:17:14

FWIW Art3mis I had someone I met at college for the first time who I had a dificult relationship with tell me months later during one of our rows "I sensed you were trouble from the first day we met." I still do not know what I did on that first day to nake him think that and I found it very hurtful. I still wonder.

In this case the guy had form for putting people down and controlling beahviour, as I found out a few months after we met. He was very bitter towards me becaus he is black and came from a poor background and I am white and came from a lower middle class one.

I am saying all this because sometimes it isn't us, the issue is their sensitivities and baggage.

Art3misZeee Tue 24-Apr-18 23:20:18

I know my feelings are over dramatic but I have been through so much personal therapy and came through on the other side. There has been a lot of positives in my life and this was the first ‘negative’ thing so it’s possibly hit me worse than I thought it would.

I talk when I’m nervous. I chat and try to be friendly like you, QOD. But I do ‘tone it down’ if I think I’ve talked too much.

Dalmatian, I know no one her can tell me EXACTLY why this guy doesn’t like me. But spitballing and having MN as a sounding board really seems to help. Particularly when I feel quite low and emotional.

In my personal opinion I haven’t done anything to him. Literally he was like this on the first day so I didn’t really ‘try’ with him that much.

Crusty, I mentioned his sexuality to ex out the possibility of ‘fancying’ me. Not that I consider myself so attractive. It was just Incase someone brought it up as a reason.

SparklyLeprechaun Tue 24-Apr-18 23:20:44

I once developed an instant and deep dislike for a colleague over of a throwaway comment he made in a meeting. It took me a long time to get past the dislike. So it could be something minor that rubbed him the wrong way, it could be something more serious that you're not aware of, it could be something someone has said about you. Who knows?

Art3misZeee Tue 24-Apr-18 23:25:05

I talked to my teacher about it before I left. Our ‘peer groups’ are decided from the very start and can’t be changed. I understand this and we are adults so I will try to deal with it.

She suggested that my outburst might have been seen as confrontational so perhaps that’s why he reacted in the way that he did. I understood her point so I suggested sending him a message explaining why I apparently jumped out at him and maybe apologising if it caught him off. But she has said sleep on it and don’t make any rash choices because I could do that or I could just leave it. It has to be in my best interest.
sad

NotTakenUsername Tue 24-Apr-18 23:26:59

DioneTheDiabolist

Most likely case is you remind him of someone that hurt him/he already hates. You will probably cover this at some point during your course.

I agree with this.

TERFousBreakdown Tue 24-Apr-18 23:27:24

There is such a thing as irrational dislike. I have it for a colleague of mine, and I can't help it. There's just something about him that rubs me the wrong way and - despite having given it a lot of thought and despite me respecting him as a professional - he gives me the shudders.

I hope he doesn't know and I make every effort to be neutral/friendly to him. But I'll be happy the day I don't have to work with him anymore.

It's not his fault and not really mine either in that I don't voluntarily feel this way. It feels rather like attraction to someone except that it's reversed.

Having said that, you may reasonably expect him to be polite to you and I would recommend you ask that of him.

Art3misZeee Tue 24-Apr-18 23:29:46

It’s lovely to hear from someone similar, moon! It’s a right old shitty feeling, isn’t it? It felt like this horrible hot bubbling in my chest going up my throat that just had to come out. And then when it did it hurt. I wish I didn’t take things so personally but like you I don’t know how to deflect these things or how to control the feelings. flowers I agree about the baggage though. Everyone on this course has experienced counselling and has ‘baggage’.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 24-Apr-18 23:31:33

I’m not sure he’s ready to do this course just yet. Are you? That sounds tough and you’ll have people like that for real in therapy.

Personally I’d ignore what transpired. If you apologise, he will take it you confirm that you’re in the wrong when you’re clearly not if hes treating you in this manner.

TatterdemalionAspie Tue 24-Apr-18 23:32:22

Why do you keep trying to talk to him when he's made it plain that he doesn't like you? confused Did he start that conversation, or did you?

Also, he's right - it wasn't a yes or no question that you asked him.

It's hard when someone doesn't like you, but not everyone likes everyone!

Efrig Tue 24-Apr-18 23:33:19

Perhaps you remind him of someone or it’s some kind of anti chemistry. You know how you sometimes just click with someone and have an immediate rapport? Well, the opposite can occur where you find yourself automatically repelled by someone and it’s just impossible to find something to like about them. Perhaps it’s just a case of that.

Plantlover Tue 24-Apr-18 23:34:23

Don't message him! You confronted him already.

Ignore,ignore, ignore.

strawberrylove Tue 24-Apr-18 23:36:54

I would suggest reading the following book...grin I am only part way through the second chapter and already highly recommend haha! Who cares what he thinks? Not worth giving a f**k xx

stayanotherday Tue 24-Apr-18 23:38:16

I wouldn't bother with him and treat him with the disdain he treats you, just speaking when you have to and ignoring you the rest of the time.

Whatever the reason is he's not going to tell you as he's had the opportunity. Pity he can't just behave like an adult and get on with it.

TatterdemalionAspie Tue 24-Apr-18 23:38:17

Ah, I see that the peer group of 4 is a permanent arrangement. That is awkward. I would stop trying to win him over or talk directly to him and just give him plenty of space. The harder you push, the more you'll repel him.

dontbesillyhenry Tue 24-Apr-18 23:38:28

Maybe she mentioned he was gay to avoid the usual 'he prob fancies you' assertion
Not everyone is a raving homophobe 🙄

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