Someone else disciplining my child?

[AskinginApril]

Who is in the right?

9 year old son was misbehaving. I dealt with it.

My son then asked 18 year old family member to come somewhere with them. Would have been fine if they didn’t want to, but they said “no, because you have been naughty”.

Would you be okay with this?

[Wolfiefan]

Maybe the 18 year old didn't want to have to deal with such behaviour.

[KellyBailey]

Natural consequences, IMHO. Behave badly and people won't want to put up with you, that's a valuable life lesson right there.

[Idontdowindows]

He wasn't being disciplined by your family member.

Your family member declined to accompany your son because they weren't willing to deal with potential misbehaviour.

[Chickychoccyegg]

I'd be fine with it - hopefully a lesson learned for future

[Jaylabelle]

That's not disciplining him...

[charlestonchaplin]

That's not disciplining your child!

[Swissgemma]

I'm kinda with you... it does sound like an additional consequence... however rearranged as "personally, I didn't like your behaviour earlier and don't really want to spend time with you" it sounds more like thanks but no thanks (which I suspect is the intention)

[JustWanderingAbout]

18 year old probably thought he was backing you up?

[steff13]

I agree with PP, that's not discipline. It's a consequence of poor behavior.

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

it depends. I'm not trying to get you to share more than you're comfortable with, but here's a few 'for instances'

Was the 'behaviour' something that the 18 year old was worried might be repeated in his/her company? (eg, a very public meltdown, or theft or deliberately breaking something. anything that the 18 yr old might have a reasonable expectation that they'd have to deal with if it occurred again)

Was the behaviour a one-off, or a regular thing?

How effectively do you 'deal with it'?

[Happymummy1991]

I don't see a problem with that.

[Euphrasia]

It might hit home more because he realises his behaviour wasn't appreciated by someone he probably looks up to so they did you a favour. I realise that wasn't your question though. I personally wouldn't have a problem with it.

[arethereanyleftatall]

Yes, that's fine.

[greendale17]

18 year old probably thought he was backing you up?

^This

[LashingsOfHamAndGingerBeer]

Agree with others - 18yo did not discipline your child and simply gave a valid amd truthful reason for not taking your child where they wanted to go.

[Flisspaps]

Yes, I'd be ok with that.

[Glumglowworm]

They weren’t disciplining your child

They either felt the behaviour was likely to happen again and didn’t want to deal with it (fair enough) or they thought they were backing you up (because they’re 18 and I’m guessing not a parent yet and they read the situation wrong but that’s not a big deal)

Your son learned that if he misbehaves then people he looks up to won’t want to spend time with him. What’s so bad about that?

[GreenTulips]

I'd have no issues with that at all. 18 year old was right to tell him straight!!

[gillybeanz]

It takes a village to raise a child and they were backing you up.
I welcomed people telling my kids and backing me up if their behaviour was bad.
otherwise you run the risk of not only being the baddie all the time when you discipline them, or you can become accustomed to the behaviour and normalise it.

[Ellendegeneres]

Let me put it like this- my 5yo has been telling lies recently- big whopper ones. As a result, my friend, A, will not spend time alone with my kid because they’re concerned my child could lie about them when alone with them.
I have no issue with this- A is an adult and able to make a decision based on what they know.

Surely this is the same thing, only the 18yo may be perceived by you as a child doling out punishment. I’d support them. They’re not being spiteful or disciplining your child

[Happymummy1991]

Thinking about it the only way I think I would have a problem with this is if it was a distant family member that I see once a year or something then I'd be a bit okay but still fair enough. 18yo can choose not to and has every right to not want to if the child has been misbehaving.

[claraschu]

18 year old sounds a bit annoying, but I hate the word "naughty", which always seems condescending. If the relative had said, "No, because you are being a pain," or "you are being obnoxious" it wouldn't bother me coming from a close relative.

[SkippedReception]

Kind of agree, in that it's a kind of double punishment. However, I am on balance in favour of your family member. DC need to learn that rubbish behaviour means that other people don't want to be around you.