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Someone else disciplining my child?

(249 Posts)
AskinginApril Tue 24-Apr-18 22:46:46

Who is in the right?

9 year old son was misbehaving. I dealt with it.

My son then asked 18 year old family member to come somewhere with them. Would have been fine if they didn’t want to, but they said “no, because you have been naughty”.

Would you be okay with this?

Wolfiefan Tue 24-Apr-18 22:47:42

Maybe the 18 year old didn't want to have to deal with such behaviour.

KellyBailey Tue 24-Apr-18 22:49:15

Natural consequences, IMHO. Behave badly and people won't want to put up with you, that's a valuable life lesson right there.

Idontdowindows Tue 24-Apr-18 22:50:30

He wasn't being disciplined by your family member.

Your family member declined to accompany your son because they weren't willing to deal with potential misbehaviour.

Chickychoccyegg Tue 24-Apr-18 22:50:50

I'd be fine with it - hopefully a lesson learned for future

Jaylabelle Tue 24-Apr-18 22:51:24

That's not disciplining him...

charlestonchaplin Tue 24-Apr-18 22:52:57

That's not disciplining your child!

Swissgemma Tue 24-Apr-18 22:53:24

I'm kinda with you... it does sound like an additional consequence... however rearranged as "personally, I didn't like your behaviour earlier and don't really want to spend time with you" it sounds more like thanks but no thanks (which I suspect is the intention)

JustWanderingAbout Tue 24-Apr-18 22:53:35

18 year old probably thought he was backing you up?

steff13 Tue 24-Apr-18 22:53:42

I agree with PP, that's not discipline. It's a consequence of poor behavior.

KeepServingTheDrinks Tue 24-Apr-18 22:53:54

it depends. I'm not trying to get you to share more than you're comfortable with, but here's a few 'for instances'

Was the 'behaviour' something that the 18 year old was worried might be repeated in his/her company? (eg, a very public meltdown, or theft or deliberately breaking something. anything that the 18 yr old might have a reasonable expectation that they'd have to deal with if it occurred again)

Was the behaviour a one-off, or a regular thing?

How effectively do you 'deal with it'?

Tartanscarf Tue 24-Apr-18 22:54:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happymummy1991 Tue 24-Apr-18 22:54:42

I don't see a problem with that.

Tartanscarf Tue 24-Apr-18 22:55:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Euphrasia Tue 24-Apr-18 22:55:54

It might hit home more because he realises his behaviour wasn't appreciated by someone he probably looks up to so they did you a favour. I realise that wasn't your question though. I personally wouldn't have a problem with it.

arethereanyleftatall Tue 24-Apr-18 22:55:57

Yes, that's fine.

greendale17 Tue 24-Apr-18 22:57:38

*18 year old probably thought he was backing you up?*

^This

LashingsOfHamAndGingerBeer Tue 24-Apr-18 22:58:06

Agree with others - 18yo did not discipline your child and simply gave a valid amd truthful reason for not taking your child where they wanted to go.

Flisspaps Tue 24-Apr-18 22:58:14

Yes, I'd be ok with that.

Glumglowworm Tue 24-Apr-18 22:59:44

They weren’t disciplining your child

They either felt the behaviour was likely to happen again and didn’t want to deal with it (fair enough) or they thought they were backing you up (because they’re 18 and I’m guessing not a parent yet and they read the situation wrong but that’s not a big deal)

Your son learned that if he misbehaves then people he looks up to won’t want to spend time with him. What’s so bad about that?

GreenTulips Tue 24-Apr-18 23:00:07

I'd have no issues with that at all. 18 year old was right to tell him straight!!

gillybeanz Tue 24-Apr-18 23:02:57

It takes a village to raise a child and they were backing you up.
I welcomed people telling my kids and backing me up if their behaviour was bad.
otherwise you run the risk of not only being the baddie all the time when you discipline them, or you can become accustomed to the behaviour and normalise it.

Ellendegeneres Tue 24-Apr-18 23:08:53

Let me put it like this- my 5yo has been telling lies recently- big whopper ones. As a result, my friend, A, will not spend time alone with my kid because they’re concerned my child could lie about them when alone with them.
I have no issue with this- A is an adult and able to make a decision based on what they know.

Surely this is the same thing, only the 18yo may be perceived by you as a child doling out punishment. I’d support them. They’re not being spiteful or disciplining your child

Happymummy1991 Tue 24-Apr-18 23:12:01

Thinking about it the only way I think I would have a problem with this is if it was a distant family member that I see once a year or something then I'd be a bit hmm okay but still fair enough. 18yo can choose not to and has every right to not want to if the child has been misbehaving.

claraschu Tue 24-Apr-18 23:24:00

18 year old sounds a bit annoying, but I hate the word "naughty", which always seems condescending. If the relative had said, "No, because you are being a pain," or "you are being obnoxious" it wouldn't bother me coming from a close relative.

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